PART 05 The Crackpots and These Women

THE WEST WING 'THE CRACKPOTS AND THESE WOMEN' WRITTEN BY: AARON SORKIN DIRECTED BY: ANTHONY DRAZAN TEASER FADE IN: EXT. BASKETBALL COURT - NIGHT In a basketball court outside the White House, we see Bartlet, playing a game of basketball with a few of the White House staffers, including Toby, Josh and Charlie. Surrounding the court are Secret Service Agents. We hear the basketball bouncing. BARTLET [OS] Oh, man. I'm sorry. Toby takes the President to low post, shoots over him, and makes the shot off the backboard. JOSH Oh yes! CHARLIE That's how you do it now. TOBY Game point. CHARLIE Mr. President you look a little winded. The President, with hands on his knees, tries to catch his breath. BARTLET I'm fine. CHARLIE Maybe you want to sit out for a minute, sir. BARTLET Why would I want to do that? JOSH Cause people are bound to be pretty upset when they find out we killed the President. TOBY Sit down, sir. BARTLET All right, game point. Let's go. JOSH Sir... BARTLET I'm playing. TOBY Mr. President, there's no shame in calling it quits. All you have to do is say, 'Toby, you're the superior athlete,' and slink on off the court. BARTLET Take the ball out, Toby. TOBY You're really going to keep playing? BARTLET Take the ball out. Let's go. TOBY Oh, this is perfect, you know that? This is a perfect metaphor. After you're gone, and the poets write, 'The Legend of Josiah Bartlet,' let them write you as a tragic figure, sir. Let the poets write that he had the tools of greatness, but the voices of his better angels was shouted down by his obsessive need to win. BARTLET You want to play or write my eulogy? TOBY Can I be honest with you, sir? BARTLET Mr. Grant! Bartlet waves to a car in the sidelines. Toby, Josh, and Charlie looks as a Secret Service Agent opens a side door of the car and out comes a very tall black guy, possibly a professional basketball player. He approaches Bartlet and shakes his hand. JOSH Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Who's this guy? BARTLET I'm making a substitution. TOBY Who is this guy? BARTLET Mr. Grant's a new member of my team. TOBY A ringer, perhaps? BARTLET Mr. Grant is a federal employee. TOBY You know the thing about you, Mr. President? It isn't so much that you cheat. It's how brazenly bad you are at it. BARTLET I beg your pardon? JOSH Toby's got a point there sir. BARTLET When have I ever cheated? TOBY Up on Florida, playing mixed doubles with me and C.J. You tried to tell us that your partner worked at the American Consulate in Vienna. BARTLET And she did! TOBY It was Steffi Graf, sir. BARTLET Well, I will admit that the woman bore a striking resemblance... TOBY It was Steffi Graf, you crazy lunatic! You think I'm not gonna recognize Steffi Graf when she's serving a tennis ball at me? JOSH Steffi Graf's won quite a few championships, sir. We've had many opportunities to see photographs. BARTLET Be that as it may, Toby Ziegler, Josh Lyman, Charlie Young. I would like to introduce Mr. Rodney Grant. Mr. Grant is Associate Director of the President's Council on Physical Fitness. Game point. Your ball. Let's go! TOBY Whoa, whoa, whoa. BARTLET What? TOBY Not so fast. BARTLET What's the problem? TOBY Mr. Grant, your name sounds awfully familiar... Before you joined up with the President's Council on Physical Fitness, a council, I might add, the President would do well to avail himself of... Is it possible, that you played some organized ball? GRANT Yeah, I used to play a little with my friends. TOBY And where was that? GRANT I'm sorry? TOBY Where would that be? GRANT Duke. Toby and Josh laugh out loud, while Charlie looks at Grant. TOBY This guy was in the Final Four! BARTLET Take the ball out, Toby. Game point. Let's go. TOBY Alright. BARTLET The new man. TOBY [to Grant] I'm taking you to the hole. Toby dribbles the ball into low post. Grant guards him. Bartlet is guarding Josh on the other end of the court. Toby tries to shoot the ball. JOSH You got it! Mr. Grant, with quick reflexes, blocks the ball hard, making it go out of bounds. Toby almost falls down. TOBY Oh! BARTLET Let the poets write about that there, Byron. TOBY Charlie, guard the new guy. Charlie walks in front of Grant and stares at him. SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES. END TEASER * * * ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA - DAY Donna comes out of the bullpen while Josh is walking by. Josh, surprised, continues walking down the hallway as the ever loyal Donna walks with him. DONNA You have a staff meeting. JOSH That's... where I'm going. DONNA I'm just telling you. JOSH Yes, but you see that's obviously where I'm going, and yet you tell me anyway. DONNA And you don't find that adorable? JOSH That you seek to control me? DONNA Yeah? JOSH Love it. DONNA Donald hasn't called me yet. JOSH Who's Donald? DONNA Donald? JOSH Yes. DONNA From the thing? JOSH Right. [stops by a side table to get coffee] Can we clear up a few things about my level of interest in the revolving door of local gomers that you see, in the free time you create by not working very hard at your job? DONNA Excuse me? JOSH You work hard at your job. DONNA How hard? JOSH Very hard. DONNA And I am? JOSH Not at all controlling. DONNA Thank you. You have a staff meeting. JOSH On my way. Josh walks on towards the door, and stops and turns back as he hears Donna's voice again. DONNA Wait, uh, there's another thing. JOSH What? DONNA Hang on. JOSH Donna? DONNA Hang on. [takes out a note from a folder] Here it is. Leo wants you to meet someone named Lacey from the National Security Council in his office after staff. JOSH Thank you. [takes the note, continues on his way, and walks out the door] DONNA What do you think it's about? JOSH I don't know. But this is the White House, so it's probably not that important. C.J. quickly walks past Donna and catches up with Josh. C.J. Josh! JOSH Ma'am. C.J. There's an article I want you to read in the New Yorker. JOSH What's it about? C.J. Smallpox. JOSH The disease? C.J. No, the dessert topping, Josh. JOSH Okay. C.J. Yes, the disease. CUT TO: INT. ROOSEVELT ROOM - CONTINUOUS We see some of White House staffers seated around the table, including Toby, Mandy, Sam, Cathy and Margaret. MARGARET We do it at the first of every month. CATHY We've missed a few months. SAM But, generally speaking, we try to do it on the first of every month. TOBY We've done it twice in 12 months. SAM We're a little behind. MANDY I still don't know what we're talking about. TOBY It's 'Throw Open Our Office Doors To People Who Want To Discuss Things That We Could Care Less About... Day' MANDY Well, that sounds goofy, doesn't it? SAM It's not so bad. You talk to them for a minute. You give them a souvenir pen with the Presidential seal on it. MANDY This isn't a waste of time? MARGARET Oh, it's definitely a waste of time, but it's one of Leo's pet office policies. MANDY Why? LEO [walks in] Good morning. TOBY [whispers to Mandy] Sadly you're about to find out. LEO Andrew Jackson, in the main foyer of his White House had a big block of cheese. TOBY Hmmm. Some of the White House Staffers giggle lightly. LEO I am making a mental list of those who are snickering, and even as I speak I'm preparing appropriate retribution. [beat] The block of cheese was huge--over two tons. And it was there for any and all who might be hungry. TOBY Leo, wouldn't this time be better spent plotting a war against a country that can't possibly defend itself against us? LEO We can do that later, Toby. Right now I'm talking about President Andrew Jackson. SAM Actually, right now, you're talking about a big block of cheese. LEO And Sam goes on my list! SAM What about Toby? LEO I'm unpredictable. [beat] Jackson wanted the White House to belong to the people, so from time to time, he opened his doors to those who wished an audience. MANDY And then he locked the doors behind them and made them eat two tons of cheese. LEO It is in that spirit... SAM Hang on. Mandy doesn't go on the list? LEO Mandy's new. SAM So it's just me... on the list? LEO Yes. It is in the spirit of Andrew Jackson that I, from time to time, ask senior staff to have face-to-face meetings with those people representing organizations who have a difficult time getting our attention. [beat] I know the more jaded among you, see this as something rather beneath you. But I assure you that listening to the voices of passionate Americans is beneath no one, and surely not the peoples' servants. JOSH [walks in with C.J.] Sorry, we're late. Is it 'Total Crackpot Day' again? LEO Yes, it is. SAM And let us please note that Josh does not go on the list. LEO [to Josh] Actually you've got a thing right now. JOSH Yeah, I know. Donna told me. LEO Margaret, hand out those appointments would you? Josh walks out with Leo from the Roosevelt Room into the HALLWAY. JOSH What's up? LEO First of all... [smacks Josh in the head] JOSH Ow! LEO That's for 'Total Crackpot Day.' JOSH Yeah, yeah. They enter LEO'S OFFICE. Standing in the middle of the room is JONATHAN LACEY. Josh offers his hand. LEO Second of all, this is Jonathan Lacey. JOSH Josh Lyman. LACEY Good to meet you. [points at the door] Mr. McGarry, would you mind? Leo closes the door and stands behind Josh. LACEY [to Leo] Thanks. [to Josh] I only have a few moments. I know you're busy too. JOSH What can I do for you? Lacey opens a folder on the table. In the folder, attached with a paper clip and a cardholder, is a green-colored card. He takes it and gives it to Josh. LACEY I'd like you to keep this card on your person at all times. If you keep it in your wallet and you lose your wallet, your first call isn't to American Express. It's to us. JOSH [looking at the card] Who's us? LACEY I'm sorry. I thought you knew. I'm with the N.S.C. JOSH [still looking the card] They told me that a minute... What's the card do? LACEY Tells you where to go in the event of a nuclear attack. JOSH [swiftly looks up] You're kidding me. LACEY Obviously, we want to get everyone up on Air Force One or into one of the underground command centers as quickly as possible. JOSH [very distraught] Sure...well,um...Okay, I really, um, I don't know what to say. LEO [to Lacey] I guess that's it then? LACEY Should you have any questions, you should feel free to call. JOSH Sure. Sure...and my staff goes with me or do they have separate...? A long silence fills the room. Lacey looks at Leo, who looks away. JOSH [surprised] Oh, God! Sorry...you know what? I just got it. Sorry...Ok, sure. [takes out wallet] I'm just gonna stick this right here next to my, uh, my video club membership and there's no reason, I guess, why my staff ever has to know anything about it...So there it is. [puts wallet back in pocket] And I think the best thing to do is just forget all about it. I'll go now. Leo opens the door. Josh takes a last look at Lacey, walks out and sees White House staffers passing through the hallways. He looks left, looks right, looks left, looks right again, and walks away. FADE OUT. END ACT ONE * * * ACT TWO FADE IN: INT. BRIEFING ROOM - DAY The senior staff are preparing the President for a press conference. Sam, Mandy, and Leo are sitting in the blue chairs in the room, while Toby is walking around in the aisle. Mrs. Landingham carefully watches Bartlet as he walks left and right behind the briefing room's podium as he looks at a bunch of papers through his glasses. SAM Last week's rise in the producer's price index coupled with the increasingly tight labor market have sparked a growing concern over future inflation. Do you share that concern, sir? BARTLET No, Helen, I don't. The U.S. economy is fundamentally... SAM Ah! I wasn't Helen there, sir. Actually, I was Sandy King. BARTLET From the... Miami Herald? SAM She moved to The Sun-Times. BARTLET But, your voice sounded the same as when you did Helen. SAM [different accent] Do you share that concern, sir? BARTLET No, not at all. The U.S. economy remains fundamentally strong as the steady decline in unemployment reflects, which I think is cause for satisfaction, not gloom. The solitary aberrant spike in the P.P.I. is not cause for overreaction. SAM You might also want to point out that there's been no corresponding increase in wholesale prices. MANDY Yeah, so Mr. President, if you could further see clear to not answer that question like an economics professor with a big old stick up his butt, that would be good too. BARTLET I AM an economics professor with a big old stick up my butt, but I'll do my best for you there, Mandy. MANDY Thank you, sir. SAM [to Toby] That's it for the economy. TOBY Let's move to guns. BARTLET We don't need to do guns. TOBY Sir, they are absolutely gonna ask about guns. BARTLET I'm not saying they're not gonna ask about them, Toby. I'm saying I'm all set. TOBY How 'bout one or two questions, Mr. President? BARTLET [looks at watch] Is it time for my 10 a.m. scolding? LEO Are we gonna have this argument, again? TOBY [with hand raised a little] Mr. President... BARTLET Let's do guns. TOBY Sir... BARTLET Let's do guns, Sam. Toby drops his hand, looks at the President and continues to pace the aisle. SAM Mr. President, is there any reason to believe this victory, this weapons ban bill, will have any significant reduction in crime? BARTLET Yes, next question. TOBY Mr. President... BARTLET Ah! Mr. Ziegler from the Coney Island Killjoy. You have a follow up? Bartlet picks up the cup beside the microphone in the podium, finding it empty, puts it back. Mrs. Landingham gets up from her chair and walks to the podium. TOBY You're gonna take the question. We're lucky enough to get the question, you're gonna take it and blow it off? BARTLET Yes. TOBY Due respect, sir, may I ask why? Mrs. Landingham takes the cup from the podium and starts to walk out through the back exit. BARTLET 'Cause I'm weak-willed and stupid. LEO Let's do this another time. TOBY Four days ago sir, we talked this over. BARTLET Then I talked it over with some other people. TOBY Which people? BARTLET I have lots of other people. TOBY Sir, I believe we are missing a huge opportunity here... Toby and the President continue to fight in the background. Just outside the BRIEFING ROOM, we see Josh standing by the door staring through space. C.J. walks past him. She notices him and looks back. C.J. What's going on? JOSH Hmm? C.J. What's going on? JOSH Oh, we're doing the thing. C.J. Why aren't you in there? JOSH I was just going in. Mrs. Landingham, coming from the Briefing Room, walks behind C.J. with the President's cup in her hand. C.J. Good morning, Mrs. Landingham. Where are we in the saga of Toby and the President? MRS. LANDINGHAM They seem to be having a disagreement. C.J. A disagreement or a fight? MRS. LANDINGHAM Well, it certainly has the potential... BARTLET [OS] [shouts] Oh, for God's sakes Toby! MRS. LANDINGHAM There we go. Mrs. Landingham walks out the door. C.J. looks at Josh, who is still staring to space. C.J. [to Josh] Let's go in. [beat] Josh! JOSH Hmm? C.J. Let's go in. [walks inside with Josh] TOBY Sir... BARTLET I'm not gonna come out and say the bill we just passed is worthless. TOBY If we could just admit its weaknesses. MANDY Toby? TOBY Why not? MANDY It will infuriate the left, it will energize the right and everyone in the middle will feel they just got yanked around...I'm sorry, Mr. President, did you want to answer that? BARTLET Yeah, my answer was gonna be 'because I said so,' but you did pretty good. MANDY Say nothing of taking a victory and declaring defeat. SAM Yes. MANDY Look, Toby, by changing some words... TOBY By changing some words, the world can move or not by changing some words. BARTLET What's your point? TOBY I have many points, sir. I choose not to make them right now. BARTLET [eating a bagel] Well, on behalf of everybody in the west wing, Toby, let me just say that that's a relief. Cathy, standing behind Josh and C.J. has just delivered a message for Sam. SAM Excuse me, Leo. LEO Yes? SAM Cathy tells me my first 'cheese' appointment is here, but I think preparing the President for this press conference should be a priority. C.J. I agree. LEO No. C.J. Leo, it... LEO No! SAM But I really need to get... LEO You're not getting out of these appointments. C.J. This is a very important press conference. LEO This is a thoroughly unimportant press conference. SAM I think this press conference is about our future. BARTLET [still eating] I think this press conference is about we haven't had a press conference in a while. LEO Sam, go. CHARLIE [walks in] Mr. President? [points at his watch] BARTLET We're going too. TOBY Sir... LEO [to Toby] We'll pick this up this afternoon. CUT TO: INT. SAM'S OFFICE - DAY Sam just came in to his office. He sees a nerdy BOB ENGLER sitting in a chair beside the door. SAM So, you are from the United States Space Command? BOB Not a lot of people know about us. SAM This is my first time. BOB We're a little nerdy, I'll admit. SAM You camouflage it well with your clothing. BOB I'm used to that, Sam. SAM What can I do for you, Bob? BOB In a nutshell? SAM So to speak. BOB We'd like the White House to pay a little more attention to UFOs. SAM Are we paying any attention at all right now? BOB No. SAM Thank God. Like we don't have enough trouble with the First Lady and her Ouija board. BOB I would like you to show the President some data we've collected on some possible extraterrestrial contact. SAM I really can't do that. BOB May I ask why not? SAM Because the President will either yell at me or laugh at me. Either way, it won't work out well for me. BOB This morning at 6:35 a.m. local time, air traffic control in Honolulu picked up an unidentified flying object flyin