幽默笑话

英语小笑话~ 1.Keys to Success 成功的关键 One day a father was teaching his son and said, "The keys to your success are keeping your word and cleverness. Once you give somebody a promise, you must carry it out on matter what will happen. This is called 'keeping one's words.' "What is cleverness?" asked his son. "Cleverness is that you'll never make such a promise, " the father answered.一天，父亲教育儿子说：“一个人成功的关键就是严守诺言和足够聪明。一旦你给了别人承诺，无论发生什么事，你都得实现它，这个就叫‘守诺言’。” 儿子问：“那么什么是聪明呢？” 父亲回答：“聪明就是任何时候都别做这样的承诺。” 　 2.A Useful Way Father: Jack, why do you drink so much water? Jack: I have just had an apple, Dad. Father: What’s that got to do with it? Jack: I forgot to wash the apple. 一个有效的方法 爸爸：杰克，你干嘛喝这么多水呀？ 杰克：我刚才吃了个苹果，爸爸。 爸爸：可是这跟喝水有什么关系呢？ 杰克：我忘了洗苹果呀。 3.A Present 　　 Kate: Mom, do you know what I’m going to give you for your birthday? Mom: No, Honey, what? Kate: A nice teapot. Mom: But I’ve got a nice teapot. Kate: No, you haven’t. I’ve just dropped it. 凯特的礼物 凯特：妈妈，你知道我要给你一件什么生日礼物吗？ 妈妈：不知道，宝贝，是什么呀？ 凯特：一把漂亮的茶壶。 妈妈：可是我已经有一把漂亮的茶壶了呀。 凯特：不，你没有了。我刚刚把它给摔了。 　　　　 　4. I Have His Ear in My Pocket 　 　Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" 　"A kid bit me," replied Ivan. 　"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother. 　"I’d know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket." 　　　　 他的耳朵在我衣兜里 伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？” “一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。 “再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。 “他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。” 　　　　 　 5. A Good Boy 　　　　 Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" 　"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. 　"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" 　"She is the one who sells the candy." 　　　　 好孩子 　　　　小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。 　　　　“昨天给你的钱干什么了？” 　　　　“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？” 　　　　“她是个卖糖果的。” 　　　　 6.　Drunk 　　　　One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he 　　　　asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two 　　　　policemen as four then I am drunk." 　　　　"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!" 　　　　醉酒 　　　　一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲 　　　　回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！” 7. Tom: William has asked me for a loan of five pounds. Should I be doing right in lending it to him? 　　　　Jack: Certainly. 　　　　Tom: And why? 　　　　Jack: Because otherwise he would try to borrow it from me. 　　　　汤姆：威廉向我借五英镑。我该不该借给他？ 　　　　杰克：当然应该了。 　　　　汤姆：为什么？ 　　　　杰克：否则他就该跟我借了 8. Mother: Why are you jumping up and down? Tom: I've just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle. 　　　　妈妈：你为什么不停地跳上跳下的？ 　　　　汤姆：我刚吃完药，可我忘了先摇动瓶子了 9. Nest and Hair 　　　　My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom. 　　　　"What kind of bird?" my sister asked. 　　　　"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child. 　　　　"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her . 　　　　"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. " 　　　　Notes: 　　　　(1) inform v.告诉 　　　　(2) nest n.窝；巢 　　　　(3) description n.描述 　　　　(4) encourage v.鼓励 　　　　(5) resemble v. 相似；类似 　　　　 　　　　鸟窝与头发 　　　　我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外 的树上垒了个窝。 　　　　“是什么鸟呢？”我姐姐问她。 　　　　“我没看到鸟儿，老师，只看到鸟窝。”那孩子回答说。 　　　　“那么，你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗？”我姐姐鼓励她道。 　　　　“哦，老师，就像你的头发一样。” 10.　I've Just Bitten My Tongue 　　　　"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother. 　　　　"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?" 　　　　"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! " 　　　　Notes: 　　　　(1) poisonous adj.有毒的 　　　　(2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因为我刚咬了自己的舌头。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的缩略形式。 　　　　我刚咬破自己的舌头 　　　　“我们有毒吗？”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。 　　　　“是的，亲爱的，”她回答说，“你问这个干什么？” 　　　　“因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。” 11. Customer: Waiter, I've only got one piece of meat in my dish. Waiter:Just a moment, sir and I'll cut it in two. 顾客：服务员，我盘子里怎么只有一块肉？ 服务员：先生，请稍候，我去把它切成两块。 12. Tom's excuse Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day? Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, School-Go Slow. 汤姆：我每次路过拐角，一个路标上面写着：学校----慢行。 13.外语的重要性 A cat and her four kittens ran into a large dog. When the kittens cowered, the cat let out a series of loud barks, scaring the dog away. Turning to her kittens, the cat said, You see how important it is to know a second language.  一天，一只猫妈妈领着4只小猫在路上走，却遇到了一只大狗。小猫们吓的蜷缩成了一团，这时猫妈妈吼出了一连串的汪汪声，大狗被吓跑了。猫妈妈转过身来对几个小猫说，孩子们，看看掌握一门外语是多么的重要呀！ 词汇短语： 1.kitten 小猫 2.cowered 抖缩;蜷缩;畏缩 3.run into 遇见，例如： Turn right at the second traffic light, you will run into a Wal-mart 第二个交通灯右转，你会遇到一个沃尔玛 4.let out 发出， 例如： let out a cry of pain 发出一声痛苦的叫声 14. 小明上英文课时跟老师说：May I go to the toilet? 老师说：Go ahead. 小明就坐了下来。过了一会儿，小明又跟老师说：May I go to the toilet? 老师说：Go ahead. 小明又坐了下来。他旁边的同学于是忍不住问：你不是跟老师说要上厕所吗？怎么不去？ 小明说：你没听老师说「去你个头」啊！ 15. 某日刘洪涛遇到外宾，上前搭话曰：I am hongtao liu，外宾曰：我TM还是方片七呢！ 16. 江青会见外宾，要求翻译要严格按她的意思翻，不许走样。外宾一见到江青，立刻拍马屁道："Miss Jiang, you are very beautiful." 翻译照翻，江青心花怒 放，嘴上还要谦虚一下：“哪里，哪里”。 翻译不敢怠慢，把江青的话翻成英文："Where? Where?" 外宾一愣，还有这样的人，追问哪里漂亮的，干脆马屁拍到底："Everywhere, everywhere." 翻译：“你到处都很漂亮。”江青更高兴了，但总是要客气一下：“不见得，不见得”。翻译赶紧翻成英文："You are not allowed to see, you are not allowed to see." 17. 某人刻苦学习英语，终有小成。一日上街不慎与一老外相撞， 忙说：I am sorry. 老外应道：I am sorry too. 某人听后又道：I am sorry three. 老外不解，问：What are you sorry for? 某人无奈，道：I am sorry five. 18. 英语老师问一个学生，“How are you是什么意思” 学生想how是怎么，you 是你，于是回答“怎么是你？” 老师生气又问另一个同学：“How old are you ?是什么意思？” 这个同学想了想说：“怎么老是你。” 19. 一位在美的留学生，想要考国际驾照。在考试时因为过于紧张，看到地上标线是向左转。 他不放心的问道:turn left？ 监考官回答：right. 于是他立刻向右转。 很抱歉他只有下次再来。 20. A：What’s on your hand？ B：Watch. A：How to spell that？ B：T-H-A-T~