英文笑话

英文笑话 1. When I showed my dad my report card I said, “Remember, Dad Thomas Edison got bad grades in school, too.” He said, “Fine, stay in your room until you invent the light bulb.” 2. Bobby: Dad, I?m too tired to do my homework.. Dad: Now, my boy, hard work never killed anyone yet Bobby: Well, I don?t want to run the risk of being the first.. 3. Reggie: We have got a new dog- would you like to come around and play with him? Ron: Well, I don?t know-does he bite? Reggie: That?s what I want to find out. ( 表 关于同志近三年现实表现材料材料类招标技术评分表图表与交易pdf视力表打印pdf用图表说话 pdf 语从句) 4. Mother: Homeland, you are right my dearest mother! Little son: Homeland, you are right my dearest grandmother! Mother: Why do you say so? Little son: Isn?t your mother my grandmother? 5. Tom: Daddy, I want to watch TV. Dad: No electricity tonight. Tom: Then let?s watch TV with a candle on. 6. Two children were admiring the famous statue by Rodin entitled “The Thinker”. “What do you suppose he?s thinking about?” said one, to which the other replied, “I should imagine he?s thinking about where he put his clothes!” 7. Mary: Mommy, why do you have so much gray hair? Mommy: I expect it?s because you are so naughty and cause me so much worry. Mary: Oh – you must have been terrible to Grandma! 8. Tom: Mummy, do you love me? Mother: Of course. Tom: Then why mot divorce from daddy and marry the man at the candy store? 9. Teacher: Correct this sentence: It was me that split the ink. (who) Pupil: It wasn?t me that split the ink. 10. Magician (to youngster he has called up on the stage):Now, my boy, you have never seen me before, have you ? (完成时 ) Boy: No, Daddy. 11. Tom: How is your little brother, Johnny? (新一) Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tom: That?s too bad. How did that happen? Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won. (最后一句用中文) 12. As two boys were passing the vicarage, the vicar leaned over the wall and showed them a ball. “Is this yours?” he asked. “Did it do any damage, vicar?” said one of the boys. “No.” replied the vicar. “Then it?s mine.” 13. When I was waiting in line at the bank, I noticed a woman holding a small child at one of the windows. The boy was eating a roll, which he thrust at the teller. The teller smiled and shook his head. “No, no ,dear.” said the boy?s mother, and then, turning to the teller, “I beg your pardon, young man. Please forgive my son. He?s just been to the zoo”. (完成时) 14. A little boy knocked on the door of his friend?s House. When his friend?s mother answered, he said, “Can Julian come out to play, please?” “No, I?m afraid not.” Said Julian?s Mum. “It?s too wet.” (Can 疑问句) “Well, then,” asked the lad，“can his football come to play?” 15. “I wish I?d lived in olden times.” (虚拟语气) “Why?” “There wouldn?t be so much history to learn.” 16. The physician I work for often plays games with some of his young patients to test their knowledge of body parts. One day, while pointing to a boy?s ear, the doctor asked , “Is this your nose?” Immediately the child turned to his mother and Said, “I think we?d better find a new doctor!” (had better) 17. Did you hear about the young boy who was making a nuisance of himself playing in the of an airplane? One of the passengers was so annoyed she finally told the boy, “Listen – why don?t you go and ;lay outside?” 18. “Why are you crying, sonny?” “My brother?s lost his school cap, and he hit me.” “But why should he hit you ?” “I was wearing it when he lost it.” (过去进行时) 19. The nurse had given the twins a bath. Later heard the twins laughing in bed ,she said, “what are you children laughing?” (完成时) “Oh, nothing,” replied Edna. “Only you have given Edith two baths, and haven?t given me any.” 20. Bob: Would you please give me some pain-killers, Doctor? Doctor: What?s wrong with you, boy? Bob: Nothing. But I am afraid Mum will get a headache when I give the school report to her. 21. A teacher entered the classroom and noticed a girl student sitting near the door with her feet in the aisle and chewing gum. “Ethel,” exclaimed the teacher, “ take that gum out of your mouth and put you feet in.” (祈使句) 22. Teacher: Is everyone here today? Student: No. Teacher: Who isn?t here? Please stand up. 23. Frank: Day after day , the boy and his dog went to school together. Then the day came when they had to part . Hank: What happened? Frank: The dog graduated. 24. Teacher: I hope I didn?t see you looking at someone else?s paper, Jack. Jack: I hope so too, teacher. 25. Teacher: Frank, you?re late for school again. In Fact, you are late every day. Frank: But I won?t be late tomorrow. Teacher: Nice to hear that. But can you tell me why? (中文) Frank: Because it?s Sunday tomorrow. 26. Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have? (虚拟语气 what do I have) Student: Big hands. 27. Teacher: Silent, please! This afternoon, I want to tell you about the hippopotamus. Please pay attention, all of you! If you don?t look at me, you?ll never know what a hippopotamus is like! (要求学生看老师) 28. Professor: If there are any dumb-bells in the room, please stand up. There was a long pause, the a lone freshman stood up in the rear. “What? Do you consider yourself a dumb-bell?” The Professor asked. Freshman: Well, not exactly, but I hate to see You standing all alone. 29. Professor: Wake up that fellow next to you. Student: You do it, Prof, you put him to sleep. (make him sleep 用法) 30. Prof: Name two pronouns, please. (代词) Student: Who, me? Prof: Good. Sit down, please. 31. The professor rapped on his desk and shouted, “Gentlemen, order!” The entire class shouted, (order 的两重含义) “Beer!” 32. Student A: If the Dean doesn?t take back what he said to me this morning, I am gonging to leave (college.)-------------,the school Student B: What did he say? Student A: He told me to leave college. 33. Teacher: Can you tell me anything about the th Great scientists of the 18century? Pupil: Yes, sir, I can. They are all dead. 34. Teacher: If you had five chocolate bars, and you younger sister asked you for one, how many would you have left? (数字 虚拟语气) Terry: Five! 35. Student: I don?t think I deserve an absolute zero. Professor: Neither do I, but it is the lowest Mark that I am allowed to give. 36. Teacher: Johnny, why are you late for school every morning? Johnny: Every time I come to the corner, a Guidepost says, `School--- Go Slow`. 37. Peter dozed off while his teacher was talking. Teacher: Peter! Tell us, what?s the biggest in the world? (最大) Peter: Well, well---eyelids--- Teacher: What? Eyelids? Peter: Yes, sir. Because as soon as I shut my eyes, the eyelids cover everything of the world. 38. Teacher: Your typing is improving, Mary. There are only seventeen mistakes here. Mary: That?s great! Teacher: And now I?ll look at the second sentence--- 1. Teacher: Your typing is improving, Mary. There are only seventeen mistakes here. Mary: That?s great ! Teacher: And now I?ll look at the second sentence… 2. Teacher: Tommy, name five things that contain milk. Tommy: Butter and cheese, ice-cream and two cows. 3. Teacher: A noun is the name of a person or thing. Now, who can give me a noun? First boy: A cow. Teacher: Very good. Another noun? Second boy: Another cow. 4. One day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition “If I Am a Manager”. All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason. “I am waiting for my secretary.” Was the boy?s answer. 5. Teacher: Who is your favorite author? Terry: George Washington. Teacher: But George Washington never wrote any books. Terry: You got it. 6. Teacher: Frank, what is a cannibal? Frank: Don?t know, sir. Teacher: Well, if you ate your father and mother, what would you be? Frank: An orphan, sir. 7. Michael: Teacher, is there life after death? Teacher: Why do you ask? Michael: I may need the extra time to finish all this homework you gave us. 8. One student in the world-history class asked our professor, “Is it true that history repeated itself?” “Indeed, sir,” came the reply. “Particularly if you fail it”. 9. “I have one teacher who is so forgetful he gave the same test three weeks in a row. If he does that two more times, I may pass it.” 10.Teacher: Tom, do you know what?s the meaning of „Don?t? trouble trouble till trouble troubles you?? Tom: It means you „d better not raise your hand if you can?t answer any questions. 11. “Gerald,” asked the teacher, “What is the shape of the earth?” “It?s round .” answered Gerald. “How do you know it?s round?” continued the teacher. “All right, it?s square then,” he replied. “I really don?t feel like getting into an argument about it!” 12. Teacher: Vincent, if you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many Dollars would you have? Vincent: One dollar. Teacher(sadly): You don?t know your arith-metic. Vincent: You don?t know my father. 13. During the examination of Military History, a student was asked to tell the number of Soldiers in American Armed Forces in any year he liked. “221 B. C, it is ZERO.” Came the answer immediately. 14. Wife: Mother says she nearly died laughing over those stories you told her yesterday. Husband: Where is she? I?ll tell her some funnier ones. (形容词比较级) 15. A husband and wife are in bed and the wife snuggles up to hubby and says, “Sweetheart, how many others were there before me?” After a few minutes, the wife says, “Well, I?m waiting.” And her husband takes a deep breath and says, “Well, I?m still counting!” (现在进行时) 16. Mother to daughter: “What kind of person is your new boyfriend? Is he respectable?” “Of course he is, Mom. He?s thrifty, doesn?t drink of smoke, has a very nice wife and three well-behaved children.” 17. Wife: Why don?t you put the cat out as I told you? Absent-minded Professor: I did put something out. Oh, God! It must have been the baby! 18. “I told my wife I would shoot any man who had flirted with her at the seaside.” “What did she say?” “She told me to bring a machine-gun.” (虚拟语气) 19. My 16-year-old son?s room was always a mess. I told him he couldn?t go out with his friends until he had cleaned half of it. Just a few minutes later, he was heading for the front door, whistling. When I confronted him, he said, “But, Mom, you told me it didn?t matter which half I cleaned. So I cleaned the top half!” 20. Mr. Brown was out walking one day with his wife and his very large family. In the street he was stopped by a policeman who grabbed him by the shoulder. “Hold on!” protested Mr. Brown. “What have I done ?” “I certainly don?t know what you?ve done,” answered the policeman, “but I want to know why the crowd is following you!” 21. Father: Well, Tom, I talked to your teacher today, and now I want to ask you a question. Who is the laziest person in your class? (最高级) Tom: I don?t know, father. Father: Oh, yes, you do! Think ! When other boys and girls are doing and writhing, who sits in the class and only watcher how other people work? Tom: Our teacher, father. 22. Son: Dad, is French difficult to learn? Father: My boy, at the beginning it is, but after that it becomes easy. Son: That?s great! I?ll learn the latter half. 23. Geoffrey says to his father(who is looking at his son?s report card), “So I don?t get the highest marks in the class, do you get the highest salary in the office?” (最高级) 24. Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. “Please God,” she said , “ make Naples the capital of the capital of Italy.” Her mother interrupted and said, “Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?” And Julie replied, “Because that?s what I put in my geography exam!” 25. Father: You know, Tom, when Lincoln was your age ,he was a very good pupil. In fact, he was the best pupil in his class. Tom: Yes, Father. I know that. But when he was your age, he was President of the United States. (过去式)