电影字幕对白留级之王1

电影字幕对白留级之王1 VAN WILDER Coolidge College was Timmy? established in I've learned that you can't treat Who knows this? It was in your every situation as a freshman facts. life-and-death matter... The first day of spring semester. because you'll die a lot of times. A time to say good-bye to the Write that down. parents once again... - I don't have a pen. - Well, and say hello to a few new student remember that then. bodies. And you know something, Timmy? As for me, well... I think you've got the balls to I like to start off each semester make it here. with a certain time-honored Call me nuts... tradition. but I believe in you. A ritual, if you will, that allows You see, Timmy, you can't let this me... lead you all the time. to get my head in the right place. Sometimes you've gotta heed this. Okay, so Suk Mee's a little old... I think you've got a lot of heart but she is just so damn good. in there, mister, don't you? She's great with these quick Don't you? I mean, look around you. jobs... Timmy? plus there is no substitute for Great work, Van. Thanks! decades of experience. Remember my credo, Timmy. That looks amazing. Don't be a fool. Stay in school. That is perfect. You're a pro. God, I love this place. A pro. Hey, Van. Hey, Van the man. Look at me. I called you last night, Van. Pro. My name is Van Wilder, and this is Well, gosh, that was great. Thanks my home... for the quick job there. Coolidge College. I need these in minutes. The last, well, seven years have Super. gone by way too fast. We've got a jumper! This school's given me so much. I Hold on, son. You don't want to do just can't seem to give enough this. back. I didn't want to come here either. - That's Van. - That's him! They made me come! Oh, my God! They made me! - Wow. - Yeah. Wow. First year can be kind of scary, I was the first-ever male can't it, Timmy? cheerleader at Huntington High! My name's not-- The first ever! But you know what I've learned in Give me a V! Give me an A! my seven years here at Coolidge... Give me an N! What does it spell? 1 I see a rabbi, and he's performing They are getting bigger, aren't a circumcision... they? on himself though. I'll get that. You'll become disciplined. Looks like we got one more. Your mind will become a weapon. What's your name? I'm sorry. You really just don't I'm Taj Mahal Badalandabad. fit the profile. Where are you from, Taj? We're just gonna do a little bit I'm an exchange student from of word association. Banglapur, India. Cookies! Welcome. What can we do for you? - My name is Van. - Hi, my name is My exchange program culminates at Terry. the end of this school year... Let's get it started then, shall at which time I must return to my we? home country... Big finish. where I do not have many friends. Medic. I would like very much to spend my - Having us both at the same time... remaining days here as your - Will definitely lighten your assistant. load. Okay. We're just gonna do a little - We will bend over backwards for word association. you. - There's nothing too big... Say the first thing that comes to - we can't handle. - And we mean your mind. Milk. nothing. Tit! - We'll stay on top of you... - And Oh, Mommy. ride you all semester. Most Indians would say "cow" Basically, we're saying we won't because they are sacred... blow the job, Van. but I hear ”milk," I think giant By the way, can you tell me if jugs. there'll be any international You see, I cannot go home a travel? virgin. Seriously, I swear to God, I'm I came here to study the great really uncomfortable now. American art of muff diving. It's time you should go. To smack clam, munch rug... Not one acceptable candidate. dine at just one American pink What is wrong with the youth of taco stand. today? You know, I wanted to-- how is The Internet, dude. it-- park the porpoise. Fries their brain cells, man. I want to take it through the car It's cool, Colossus. We'll find wash, baby. somebody. And get it waxed. I want to wax C-los, get your ass off my shirt. it. Wax it! You really should have him You know, and air dry. neutered, man. Air dry that shit, yeah. That's up to him. And I would like to be your 2 assistant very much... researched by our own Gwen Mr. Van Wilder. Pearson... You'll need a copy of my class and each article skipped over by schedule so you can take notes. the majority of the student body. You'll also handle my finances. I don't care. I won't pander to I lecture at the freshman crisis them. group every other Monday. "Lite Beer vs. Dark-- The I'm spearheading the Save the Showdown" by Darius Grayson. Swim Team Speedo Spectacular... - Is that the same-- - and the Bloated Belly Beer Bash Pulitzer-prize winning Darius to Battle Bulimia this semester. Grayson. This is Sick Boy's room. Not a He was an alumnus of our week's gone by he hasn't had an journalism staff. ailment. He wrote his best stuff in detox. Shingles, hepatitis, crabs. That Still does, I'm told. was his fault. I have got a very challenging - Matzo ball soup. Jewish assignment for you. penicillin. - Thanks, Van. A story that nobody's been able Don't pick at it. Moving on. to get. I'm moving my : to :, my : - About what? - No, no. It's about to :... whom. and my : till Wednesday. It does not look good. You owe $, for the speed boat. That's the end of the first Cancel my guest lecture at the half... Wharton School next week. and the Chickadees will need a I feel like going somewhere miracle to come back and score. tropical. Tahiti. Are you writing Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to this down? step away from Van's vehicle. - Yes, sir. - You owe $ , for the Wilder! thoroughbred. He's got no business parking Schedule a massage after my golf there. That's my spot. game tomorrow afternoon. They need me, Ted. - With a happy ending? - Ah, yes. This is the first time in my life And another $, for your son's I'm glad I'm deaf!. tuition and housing this I can't hear the boos! Now, listen semester. up. Tuition? Van is still in school? I'm only gonna go over this one For the better part of a decade. more time. "Depression: Is Prozac really the In the event they switch to a zone answer?" defense... "Famine-- Crisis in Rwanda." we must swing the ball around the "Tracking Tuition: Where does our perimeter. money really go?" This ball club is the heart of Each article well-written and this institution. 3 You win, it beats. You lose, it I will be up when I'm done with breaks. my presidential You're not boxing out, Big Papa. responsibilities. You're my Windex man. Okay, I'll wait for you upstairs. I want you shining glass. Who's my alabaster princess? We gotta D up out there. Darius. You are. You are. I want you all over that ball like Relax, guys. They're just a fat kid on a cupcake. Doritos. What are you looking at? Your mom Listen to me, you little fuck said you left your legs at home. stains! For God's sake! When I count to three, you will I'd do anything for you guys... jump or be banished from this house which is why I'm throwing you a forever! little soiree tomorrow night... One, two-- but not without a W tonight. Fuck! You want to know why? Nobody wants Excuse me. Where can I find Van to celebrate a loss, guys. Wilder? Hey, man, you gonna invite those In the Guiness Book of freak honeys from Mt. Holyoke? World-fucking-Records, man... I already did. under "Raddest fucking dude They said they'd try to make it alive"! if they weren't humping the Okay. Thanks. Matadors. In any one of these three rooms, - The Matadors? - What? Gramps. Come on. We got a ball game to win. Sweet Joseph, my son's a fairy. Let's go kick some Matador tail-- Dad, what are you doing here? How bad do you wanna be... - Thank God. - No jammies. a Delta? - Party foul. - No, don't-- Oh, Would you walk on broken glass? dear God. Let the shards tear into your Next time you'll know better. Achilles tendon... Seven years, and no degree. You causing acute achondroplasia... should have graduated twice by which could lead to now. non-congenital dwarfism as you I've done a lot in seven years. got older? If you don't have your doctorate, Ease up on the medical terms. Just you haven't done enough. keep it simple and terrifying. But you have wasted enough of your Gordon, there are very few things time and my money. more terrifying than Pack up your panties, son, non-congenital dwarfism. because we are headin' home. Hey, Richard. Ready to study? I'm staying here with my friends. Gwenny, I said :. It's :. Fine. Maybe your friends can pay I'm in the middle of an -year your tuition. tradition here. Because this morning I placed a 4 stop payment on this semester's I don't have the resources to pay check. for your services anymore. I'm sorry, son. A good soldier does not leave his Sometimes in life you have to commander... realize a poor investment... just because he lies wounded, and cut your losses. arms torn off at the sockets... Write that down. intestines spilling out onto the I need more time. mud, picked at by the birds. There's got to be something that I will stay on at no charge. we can work out. Okay. What is that intoxicating scent Exactly how much money do you you're wearing, Doris? have? I have cats. - He has only $. - Damn, Van! Meow! What the hell you gonna do with Maybe you could put me on some $, man? sort of extension... Congratulations, Taj! Your first program? blow job. - A little pay-as-you-go? - Are In my country, a woman's mastery you trying to seduce me? of her gastronomical releases... Who, me? No! is the ultimate aphrodisiac. You know, maybe this isn't such Desiree is the foremost a good idea. connoisseur of chili con carne... Being bad seldom is. and a TA at Coolidge. Oh, yeah. I wish I had teachers like that. That's the shit. And just like that, Topless Guess what. I'm feeling a little Tutors was born. cold sore coming on. X... Maybe we shouldn't do this for equals... six? three to six weeks. Yeah! Shut up, bitch, and give me some We knew you could do it. sugar. Desi told me how she and a few of Fill this out. It's a standard her grad school pals... payment plan extension form. could use some extra income. You mean, we didn't have to-- Taj proved to be an excellent But aren't you glad we did? company accountant... You can either mail this in or as well as our most valued client. drop it off. Excuse me. Go, baby, go! I'm looking for information on a Mail it in! current student here, Van Wilder. Mail it in! Mail it in. Freshman year. I'll get the Van, you must make four monthly others. payments of $ , each. - Wait. There are more of these? I'm sorry, Taj. I'm gonna have to - Actually, there are many more. let you go. It seems Mr. Wilder didn't quite 5 come out of his shell... correct. until mid-sophomore year. So what's your boyfriend's name? Thanks. Does he go to school here? It's like this itchy, rashy - Does he appreciate you? - That's burning sensation. none of your business. And it hurts when I-- You know what? You're right. - Dance? - When I pee. His name's Richard. He's premed. - You hooked up with a burner. - Van, you have a : with the swim Yeah. team. She seemed like a nice girl, said On it. it was her first time? - You have an assistant? - Yes, Always check the quality of the I do. turf before you step onto the Is there anything you can tell me field. about yourself... Listen, go to the campus hospital, that I haven't already found out see Stu. from your public records? Tell him Van sent you, and I'll be at the quad tomorrow night remember-- Don't be a fool. Wrap at :. Sound good? your tool. - It's a date. - It's an interview, Thanks, Van. Thanks a lot. not a date. Don't thank me. Thank penicillin. Gwen, first dates are interviews. Crazy kids with their crazy VD. You going out tonight? - You must be Van. - Hi. Rob's coming over. I'm closing in I'm Gwen Pearson, staff writer on that diamond, Gwen. for The Liberator. The dynamic duo will seal the deal Okay, look, that old bag is tonight. stronger than she looks. Good luck, ladies. I'm doing a human interest piece Somebody got awfully dressed up on you. to quiz me on my anatomy midterm. I'm flattered. I'd love for your I'm so sorry, baby. I totally piece to be on me. forgot. But sadly I don't do interviews. - I have an interview for the Never have, never will. I do lunch. paper. - At : at night? My editor did say this would be Can't you postpone it? Gwen, a challenge. first exam-- most crucial. Van, second date with Emily. It's not like you're on a deadline Blue. Brings out your eyes. Kid's for the Boston Globe. got killer eyes, not unlike It's the only time he had yourself. available. I'll call you as soon - Has anyone told you that before? as I get back. - Yes, my boyfriend. Bye. Is it true that this is your He? seventh year at Coolidge? All right. Gwen, all right! Carry the two-- Yes, that's You're just in time. 6 - Take your clothes off. - I'm not I admit I applied for this job... taking off my clothes. because I wanted to cut loose and It is the Naked Mile Run. shake my rump... Everybody else is in their but I do not believe that this birthday suit. dilemma will be solved by Except that guy. partying. - I have a few questions for you. Can I help you, son? - In time. This is gonna be fun. I certainly hope so, Mr. Wilder. You know that three-letter word I come to you in desperation. that starts with F? I'm Panos Patakos, president of So you're quite the campus man, the Lambda Omega Omega heading events like the Jäger fraternity. Olympics. I'm sure you're aware of our... Yes, well, you haven't lived... stigma. until you've shot putted blitzed Yeah, you guys have had the best on Jäger. GPA the last years. - Heinie? - This was a really bad Indeed, but believe it or not... idea. the best GPA doesn't get you laid. Are we gonna reschedule or what? - Damn well should. - Amen. Who's a big boy? This month marks our th Oh, God! anniversary. Those things could raise the I am here to ask you to aid us in Titanic. throwing a party... You Van Wilder? a party we can be proud of... The strip club owner got tired of a party people will actually show using his B squad... up to. so he came back for the starting Gosh, I'd really love to help, but lineup. I have a bamboo oar stuck up my Topless Tutors was dead. Gangees. We are truly up the Ganges River It's very scary stuff. without a bamboo oar. I just don't have the time. We're still $ , short of your How much is your time worth? next tuition payment. Panos reminded me that I had Taj, I learned a long time ago one... that worrying is like a rocking very valuable skill I'd yet to chair. tap-- It gives you something to do, but my undeniable ability to throw it doesn't get you anywhere. one hell of a party. Write that down. I was hanging on by a thread, but Don't even sweat it, Taj. I've got I was still making tuition. a plan. The strawberry! Eat the - Let's go get fucked up. - Sounds strawberry! It's worth ! good. - Don't you think I know that? - Is that all you think about? You treat me like a child. 7 I don't like the way you He's throwing a big party tonight. condescend me. You should be there. - Don't do that! - Frankly, you're - This is really a pimpin' good juvenile. time. - Yes, it is. Guys. Look who's checking out the I know Ms. Pac Man's special. Badalandabad. Her name's Naomi. She's fun. She's cute. She That's "I moan" backwards. swallows. I put in a good word for you. But we gotta talk, guys. Hey, Tajy. Let's boogie. Huddle up. Come on. Team meeting These are the most pathetic bunch here. of pledges. Cowboy. All right. You picked 'em. I look at you guys, and you know Hey, babe. what I see? - Why aren't you in costume? - I A collective GPA of , ? can't stay. I have to work tonight. Yeah! No! You're gonna miss the biggest I see a bunch of party animals... party of the year. crouched in attack position, Well, I gotta go. ready to strike. - I'll call you tomorrow. - What? Am I right? This party so rocks, Richard. No one even knows we're here. - This party sucks rectum, Au contraire, mon frères. Girls! Jeannie. - Okay. I'd like you to meet Sherri and Where the hell is everyone? Terri. Mad props for this pimpin' good Two girls utterly infatuated... time... with men who have larger than go out to those hung and handsome normal... bad boys... medulla oblongatas. of Lambda Omega Omega. Pearson, I got a hot news tip for Thanks for the good time, fellas. you. It's Friday night. Get out of - Let's get you some skates. - I'm here. not here to skate. I know. I'm just doing some final For some reason, my editor thinks revisions to this piece on you're a story. euthanasia. What do you think? Oh, I read that. Made me want to As a story, I think... kill myself. you're a little soft. I'm kidding. Wow, all this time I thought I was - Where's my Wilder story? - There more to you than just some flaccid is no story, Elliot. story. The guy's a joke. He tries to turn A dilemma has arose up front. every interview into a date. - Don't know if we got our point A good writer gets her story no across. - Crystal clear, guys. matter what. - This is incredible. - percent. Please get me the Wilder piece. Don't go anywhere. 8 Seriously. Van is a godsend. Van Wilder's phone. I do not I would have paid him way more foresee that to be a problem. than a grand for this party. And that guy she's with-- all I would have cashed in my Israel kinds of wrong for her. bonds. - Sick Boy, how are you doing? - - How do you put a price on dignity? Van, the shingles are all gone. - How do you put a price on poonani? That ointment really worked. - Yes! - Oh, God! Thanks. Oh, my God. Feel it! Lookin' good there, buddy. Whoa. Trick or treat. What's - He'll call you back. - going on? Unbelievable. This vaginal discharge won't let Van Wilder's phone. us partake in the party. - Terrible. - I think so. Yeah. Graphic. - Hang on. - Unbelievable. I'm sure we can accommodate a few Van's room. Saturday night, yeah. more, yeah? That's-- How did you-- From the No can do. We're at maximum paper? capacity. Yeah, that's fine! Okay, thanks. - What are you doing here? - You - No problem confirming. Bye. - two know each other? This writing, it's just-- That's my girlfriend, gluteous I was just wondering if you erecti. could... slam the door in my face. - You must be premed Dick. - Yeah, Van, you must listen to me. that's right. Because of her article, everybody - What's it to you? - Thanks for wants to have a party thrown by Van the story. Wilder... What story? the party liaison. Brilliant, Pearson. Your cash camel has arrived! I have been inundated with people We need to talk. telling me... This is why I don't do interviews. how much they enjoy reading about You totally slammed me. this guy. You journalists and your They want more, and so do I. I want irresponsible reporting. you to do a follow-up. I recorded quotes that you got I did your story, Elliot. I'm not money from the Lambdas to throw doing another one. them a party. Even if I tell you it's gonna be Recorded? What are you, bugged? on the front page of the graduation Do I need to frisk you? issue... Why is my story such a big deal in two months? to you? And I quote, "Van Wilder is a Because I didn't want the party pimp." students to know I threw the party. Sick Boy. Can you believe she They paid me, but that's not the wrote that? only reason I did it. 9 Lambdas are cool in their own government. right. People just needed to He's nothing more than a mild realize it. rectal itch. I'm sorry. I didn't know you had You know what you do about a mild a benevolent agenda. rectal itch, Gordo? There's two sides to every story, - What's that, Richard? - You Gwen. scratch it. I have a chance to make front page Then you scratch it some more. of the graduation issue... The more you scratch at it, the which is a huge deal to me. worse it gets... Let me get the other side. until finally you have nothing There's this function I'm hosting left but a raw, chafed... tomorrow night. possibly infected anal cavity. If you want... you could tag Then it's won. along. When all you had to do from the - I'll be there. - It's a date. start was take a medicated pad... It's an interview. and smother it. Remember, today's assignment is All right, people, midterm is about shadow. next week. So don't get too hung up on Here you have your five detail. categories-- All right, everybody? commerce and trade, so forth and Oh, Lord! so on. So much sinew, I need a bigger What you doing? pencil. I'm in the middle of class. You : p.m. Yeah, that's fine. know, that five-letter word. Word spread around campus. My I thought we could spend some time calendar was filled with parties together... to plan. for the story. Van Wilder, party liaison, was I want you to have this. born. - Yeah. - And thank you. At the Hillel House, I broke All right, things to remember-- bread. commerce and trade-- And then I broke the boredom. Everybody just file out in an They said I did them a mitzvah. orderly fashion. That's Yiddish for "good deed." What? Come on. Hop in. Write that down. I am not getting in that thing Oh, yeah, she came too. with you. This is the second party of his If you want the story, you'll get she's gone to. in this thing with me. Sounds serious. Threatened? What happened? Is everyone okay? Threatened? Please. Wilder. I'm president of both my Are we gonna get in trouble for fraternity and the student being in here? 10 It's cool. Equipment manager owes stay in school. me a favor. I introduced him to his - Why? - I like it here. wife. What about your future? Life is all about developing - You take life way too seriously. relationships, Gwen. - Life is serious. I hope you can skate. I used to party with this guy who So the deal is, I score... once told me... you cooperate and answer all my "Don't take life too seriously. questions? You'll never get out alive." - I miss-- - Dinner for two, me He used to write for the school and you. paper. Clothing optional. He kept babbling about the Come on! differences between light and Holy crap. dark beer. My brothers play hockey... Very strange, but good advice. for the Rangers. You think about the future too My dad just didn't see me as a much, you kinda forget about the sound investment anymore. present... But he gave up on me and my mom obviously. long before I ever came here. And I am really enjoying the Maybe seven years of tuition... present right now... is a good way to remind him that sharing a penalty box and a you're still angry. tri-latte with Gwen Pearson... So how long have you and premed who believes censorship reflects Richard been together? society's lack of confidence in - Since my freshman year. - I bet itself. he's a tighty whitey guy. You actually read that article? - Excuse me? - White, elastic band, Okay, look, I read the damn constrictive. article, but don't tell anyone... You can tell a lot about a person because if word gets out that I by the kind of drawers they wear. read, my reputation-- Like you. Granny panties, I bet. shot to hell. Does that allude to me being the She's smart, she's beautiful... plain, boring type? she can skate. I just wanted a visual. She's not for you, dude. She's too I think it takes a lot more than high-strung. the kind of underwear one wears... Besides, babes that fine-- to define them as a person. they're way into themselves and Like what? shit. Like their actions. After this weekend, we should For instance, most people... have sufficient funds... want to get out of school so they to cover your next two payments. can make money. I mean, this girl is dynamite. You're trying to make money to Too bad she's dating Strapper 11 John, MD. - I'm sorry. - Look, I'm sorry. - Where did you find that? - In This semester's marks could your room a few days ago. determine the next ten years of our I'm trying to spark this bong, but lives. this damn thing won't light. Do you realize that? That's no bong! It's for my You know... schlong! you shouldn't take life too Hold on. seriously. You mean I put my mouth on your You'll never get out alive. cock pump? What the hell is that supposed to Oh, damn! mean? I have a date with Naomi tomorrow I'm late for my study group. night... She was getting awfully chummy and I just wanted to bring my A with the rectal itch. game. Son of a bitch. Disappear! Taj, come on! That's what I'm here Yes, superior leader, sir. for, right? It's time to excise that Now, follow my foolproof plan... cancerous lump. and I'm gonna help you put the Forget him. Let's crap in the bang in Banglapur. chapter room and make the pledges All you need are the three clean it up. fundamentals-- scented - It'll be fun. - I wish I could, candles... Gordo. massage oil... I got dinner at Gwen's parents' and Barry White. house. Write that down. Sounds special. Is Wilder gonna - Hey, no cock pump. - No cock be there? pump. Hey, guys. Hey, Richard. Barry White. Is there anything I can do for you - I'm gonna go wash my hands now. today? - Oh, Gwen! Dear Van-- Your labia feels so good around Here you go, Taj. Get your rave my swollen phallus. on, man. I'm fairly confident I'm going to - Thanks. - You got it. ejaculate. "See you tonight. Gwen." The I'm releasing my seminal fluids invite to the parents' house. inside of you now! This is big. This is very, very Are you okay? big. Yeah. Why? - Doesn't she have a boyfriend? Didn't you-- - Details. It's kinda hard in seconds. I'm off. Taj, you're in charge. Damn it! I do not think I'm capable of You know the kind of pressure I'm handling such a responsibility. under with my exams. Listen to me. Do you know why I 12 chose you as my assistant? Surely you have a career in mind. So you could teach me how to muff Not really. dive? I'm still looking for that Well, yeah, but also... dare-to-be-great situation. because you have the potential to Maybe you should start looking be great. for that dare-to-be-employed - May I help you? - Yeah, I'm Van-- situation. You made it. The student body finds Van so Evelyn, this is one of your intriguing... daughter's acquaintances from that my editor has asked me to do school. an exposé on him... There's room for one more? for the school newspaper. By all means. Come in, please. Isn't that wonderful? Definitely be out of the question - That will be quite the unless they all agreed with us... page-turner. - It'll be a very and we talked it over. well-written article. Excuse me, gentlemen. Gwen is an extremely gifted Excuse me, gentlemen. journalist. Van, this is Dr. Henke, Are you and Richard in the same proctologist. fraternity? Oh, well, holy crap. I hope you're Oh, no. not on call tonight. Van isn't exactly Delta Iota Dr. Beaverman, OB-GYN. Kappa material. Van Wilder, G-L-A-D to meet you. Richard, you rascal, you never And of course, Gwen's father. told me that you were a DIK. I'm gonna go out on a limb here. Not that you had to. Dr. Pearson? I'm gonna go get another bottle - Indeed. - Indeed. Super. of champagne. All right. So... am I here for a - Richard, will you help me open physical? it? - Sure. 'Cause I'm gonna need a few Wow. cocktails before I start coughing If he's here, who's running Hell? for you fellas. - What are you doing out there? - What are you doing here? - I - Proving a point. don't know. Your friend doesn't fit in. He's No, thank you. a virus, and I'm the vaccine. Mr. Wilder here is quite the - I can't believe you're doing collegian. this. - Pop quiz. True or false. He's in his, what, sixth year? You and that GDI have been Lucky number seven, actually. spending an inordinate amount of - What are you studying, son? - time together. I dabble in a bit of everything. True. Now here's a multiple I've tried to experience all that choice question for you. Coolidge has to offer. You're A, an asshole; B, an 13 asshole who isn't staying at my Yeah, I know... place tonight... but sometimes guys can do some - or C, all the above? - What's pretty childish things. B again? Let us proceed. Gwenny, I'm kidding. I apologize. - Is he ready? - Ah, yeah, he's - Gwenny, where are you going? - ready. To go save Van. It's go time. God only knows what my parents and Such a good boy. their stuck-up friends are doing Oh, stop for a second. Stop. to him. Okay. Keep going. Okay! All right! For the love of God. You're a natural, Dr. P. Hey, what Smile, buddy. are you looking at? Lovely. - Henke, you're up. Come on. - All It's all about presentation, right. gentlemen. Easy, sailor. Well, I'll be damned! All right, Wilder, let's dance. Poor guy just needed a little TLC. It's a good day to die, McDoogle. I got it, guys. No problem Oh, yes. whatsoever. Jesus! Criminy! Let the damn baby have his ball What happened to you, Wilder? back. Don't think I don't remember. Thank you, brothers. You got an A in my freshman It's not like he can see out of economics class. it anyway. You remember one thing-- Loser. Apathy is the glove into which Awesome work, sisters. evil slips its hand. Special delivery! I'll write that down. - Time out. - What the fuck, You do that. You're not fooling Jeannie? anybody! "From the sisters of Sigma Theta You're only fooling yourself!. Tau." Dig in, guys. - Why don't you walk? - I think Oh, they're still warm. I'll walk from here. - So creamy. - They're awesome. Are you stalking me? Because that Oh, they're so creamy. would be super. God, these are excellent. My mom did want me to invite you Guys? Richard? to her Tupperware party next week. Think I've had these before. Was that a-- Oh, my God! Judges' ruling. I love this song. Uh-huh. Yeah. I do believe that I know. was a joke. It is the White Barry. I want to apologize for what Is that for me? Richard did the other night. I long to rub you the right way. It was a really immature stunt. You're such a bad little 14 Badalandabad. love, folks. No harm, no foul. And if Milty Mingleton can shove - Are you all right? - Never himself... better, my jasmine flower. into that weenie bikini... That feels so good. then you don't need to be shy Oh, my God. about making your donations now! Take me. Thank you, Milty! I want you now. After we put all the water back Now! in the pool... Shit! we'll be accepting donations in Don't tease me. the form of... This is the culmination of my cash, Visa and full-frontal being. nudity. Baby, I'm about to culminate. Now, Hutch, take over. get over here. That's right, folks. Save the Tajy, I'm so hot. swim team. - I feel on fire. - Oh, yeah, me Bikini-clad judges for a too, baby. fund-raiser? That's pretty - Burning up. - Oh, yeah, baby, ingenious. I'm burning up. Sex sells, Gwen. Sex sells. You are most amazing to make me It's not too late for you to enter feel so... the doubles breaststroke if you damn hot! like. I wonder how T-Bad's date's No, thanks. I forgot my suit. going. I just came across a bit of Scented candles, massage oils, interesting information. Barry White. All right, look. Yeah, we can't be too far from The vet assured me that canine climax, huh? semen is perfectly healthy. - Why do I always fail? - You put In fact, surprisingly rich-- too much pressure on yourself. You've been units shy of Don't worry about the money. I'll graduating for the past figure something out. semesters. More importantly... Whoa. You went klepto on my when the time is right... transcripts. it'll happen. What's going on with you? You'll find the one. You're actively trying not to get I need to see the grade out of here. transcripts for Van Wilder, Why are you doing this? Do you please. ever stop playing the in-depth I don't think so. reporter? Student transcripts are I just want to know why you're confidential. Sorry. putting off your life. Swim team really does need your Not for the paper. For me. 15 I have no comment... This girl's got you thinking, man. for either of you. It's not good. External occipital - Not good at all. - Hey, you! protuberance. Please move banner a skosh higher, Posterior gluteal line. huh? Dorsal appendage. Gwen. You got all this. I'm gonna go-- - Was the last one right? - Yeah, I'm gonna go make some calls for that's right. the party, okay? Wrong! The dorsal appendage - Hi, Van. - Hi, Donna. exists only in marine-equipped Hey, guys. mammalia. - What are you doing in here? - I knew you weren't listening. I had to talk to you. - What's wrong with you? - Nothing. I thought a lot about what you I'm fine. said, and-- Let's get out of here, go grab a Well, just-- beer. just take a look at this. Are you insane? You know my Yeah. Doodles. midterm and finals ritual. I attended class today. Just I study till :. Nine solid hours about stayed the whole time too. of sleep. I'm glad you went to all your Protein shake in the morning. classes today. Okay, very cute. And a few that weren't mine. And also correct. Stepped into the wrong one. Which gives us hours and Liked what I heard, stayed. minutes of study time. That's great. It really is. So, honey, please focus. All It really is. But don't do it for righty? me. I have confirmations from the Do it for you. African-American Club... Maybe I'm doing it for both of us. the Gay and Lesbian Caucus, MECCA, I shouldn't even be talking to you HEPA, PETA. like this. This multi-coalition party was a And I shouldn't be in the women's masterful plan. locker room! It should triple our income. I But sometimes you gotta let your just hope it's enough. heart lead you... Van, you must listen to me. even if you know it's someplace We are merely one party away from you know you're not supposed to be. accomplishing our goal. How often does your heart lead you What if she's right, huh? into the women's locker room? What if I'm avoiding graduation - This would be a first. - Why do because I'm scared? I find that hard to believe? Listen to yourself, meathead. I'm not saying I've never been in You've never doubted yourself in here before. your whole life. I'm saying it's usually a 16 different part of my anatomy that finding a donor with the same blood does the leading. type... Oh, my God. and just the right chromosomal I just couldn't believe it. Gwen anomalies. and Van in the women's locker room. A perfect match, connected I mean, I just couldn't believe forever. it. So anyway, let me tell you But that would mean one of them something. would have to be dead. I'm sorry, fellas. The bakery's Gwenny, I'm just saying that closed. they're a match. - I'm here to enlist your services. Just like you and me. - Let me guess. Lucky girl. "Come as your favorite Gwendolyn Elizabeth Pearson... drunk-on-jis, come-gargling frat I'd be honored if you and I boy party"? surgically and spiritually... Then your mom can come. grafted our lives together. It's gonna be a bachelor party. Richard, I don't know what to say. One last night of debauchery with Just say yes, because I've got the fellas... even more amazing news. before settling down with my Northwestern called this morning. fiancée, Gwen. They wanna interview me. Oh, please, you didn't think They're gonna send some recruit she'd be interested in a fuckup alums to campus for written and like you? oral exams. That ought to be enough to get you And then I am in! started. Oh, man, Northwestern. Hello? That's great. I'm so happy for you, Casey. I'm just using Gwen's Richard. computer. Be happy for both of us. The Is Gwen there? I need to talk to Richard and Gwen life plan is her. kicking in. She's at Richard's getting ready Northwestern. I am the shit. for the engagement dinner tonight. Your father wants to get us a Message? place in Forest Grove as an Nope. That's all right. engagement present. Bye. Thanks for coming. - My parents know about this? - Lindsey and Rob make such a great Yeah, I told everyone. couple, don't you think? Where are you going? Yeah, I'm happy for them. I'm not sure, and for some They're gonna make a great reason... married couple too. You know why? I feel really good about that. Because they love each other? I can't hold on Because they're compatible. There's no easy way Like a heart transplant patient Hey, Van, can I borrow-- 17 My God, what happened to you? knot? - I got hit by a big truck. - Are Seriously, I'd really like to you okay? hold that date open. I'm all out of love That is none of your business. And I'm so lost without you you know what? I know you were right You're none of mine. Believing for so long Sounds to me like your rectal itch Dope song. What's it called? was getting a late-night booty "Gwen Used Me For Her Story, Then scratch. Married an Ass Wipe... First, my bitch turns down my and Ran Over My Heart With a Big proposal. Then she runs into that Metaphorical Truck." loser's arms. Originally performed by Air Now I don't even know where my Supply. bitch is. Who's Air Supply? Wilder's got some big blowout How old are you, Sally? tonight. Maybe your bitch is gonna I'm old enough to be jealous of be there. that Gwen girl. You do not call her that, gonad! Okay, you can do this. Hey, guys. Just giving you all I'm all out of love the . I'm so lost without you I'm a counselor for the Further I know you were right believing Leaders of America's overnighter. for so long The bus doesn't leave for a few You must be Gwen-- the truck hours. Is there anything I can do driver. before I go? Hey. Excuse me. Gwen! Anything at all? Hey, hold up a second. What are Okay, listen up. We've got one you doing here? quick stop off before we go. What am I doing here? What were Tit wad! you doing in there? All right, thank you, man. Enjoy As smashed as I am, I'm pretty yourself. sure that's my room, wasn't it? All right, sister. Enjoy yourself. What was that girl, a freshman? Power to the people. She reads at a sophomore level. - How you doing, my man? - What's This was a big mistake, Van. I'm up? leaving. I hate to break this to you, Ming, Why are you here? Did you come to but you ain't Asian. hire me to do your bachelorette Man, you ever heard of Tiger Woods, party? bitch? 'Cause your party pimp has You better get out of here before already been booked by your I hit you upside the head with a fiancé. three iron. - My fiancé? What are you talking What's wrong with you? Enjoy about? - When are you two tying the yourself. 18 - What's wrong, dog? - Nothing. Don't worry, Van. We'll get you out, I don't feel like partying. man. That's a first. Delta Iota Kappa rules! Hey, Van. I just wanted to come Damn it, Gwen, pick it up. I know by and extend an olive branch. you're there. - ID, please. - It's a terrible You know I have my Northwestern picture of me, but-- interview next week. Well, I'll be the judge of-- Look, I need you to help me There's nothing fake about this "release"... ID. some pressure. Did you sit behind me two You know, help me "relax." semesters ago? Just so we're clear, I'm talking I think I remember this behind. about intercourse. I mean, you sitting behind me. I know you had a fling with Wilder. This whole rivalry thing has And it's okay. You just had to get become a tad childish. it out of your system. Well, I hope we can put it all I just hope you used some behind us and be friends. protection. That's what Gwen wants. And I wouldn't want our future You have absolutely no idea what children to be tainted... Gwen wants. because Mommy went slumming one Say hi to your gerbil for me. night back in college. Okay, kids. Why don't you go "release" your own This is our Uncle Jäger. pressure? That's right. Drink up. And just so we're clear, I'm This tastes like shit. Do you have telling you to go fuck yourself!. any scotch? Hi, partner in crime. Is there Gotta go. Sorry. Bye. anything I can do for you today? Bye-bye. Call me. Oh, my God! Gentlemen. We make such the fab team! Trooper. Last night, I was so like Bonnie We got an anonymous tip that and you were so like Clyde. And now there's some underage drinking this. going on here. Would you shut up? I'm trying to Hutch? pleasure you. Hell no, man. I've been at the Sorry, Richard. Pleasure away. door all night. - PS, this is an awesome room. - Good enough for me. Have fun, PS, shut the fuck up! guys. Here, I'm done with all of this. All right, Trapper. Stay cool. - The Wilder story's not done. - - I love you, man. - No, man. Read it before you criticize. I love you. He got expelled today. Is that in Those circus midgets cannot hold your story? their booze! 'Cause it should be. 19 - Is Van here? - He don't wanna see and all of our athletics-- those you. are all so minuscule? - Excuse me? - Look. And I guess so is a promise... - Why don't you just leave him made to a wet-behind-the-ears kid alone? - Home wrecker. from India whose only dream... Oh, thank you! Thank you! was to bury his face in a beautiful Out of my way! woman's lotus patch. Stop packing! You can appeal the You have shown me a life I could expulsion. It's in the school only dream about... charter. back home while masturbating in my "Any student may appeal an father's woodshed. expulsion before the university Most importantly, you saw judicial board... potential... and state his or her case within in me. hours of being discharged." If you do not see potential in Do you want my hot tub, or should yourself, then you are a blind man. I just give it to Milty? I'm leaving. We can get the law club to help. Then leave. But leave the They owe you after the "Sue Me, honorable way. Screw Me" soiree you threw. You've been looking for that Thank you. I appreciate it. I'm dare-to-be-great situation. really not interested. It is at your doorstep. - You're not hearing me-- - It's We need to talk. over, Taj! Get me the law club. Fuck you, Van Wilder! It's ridiculous! It's You heard me. I say-- I say... preposterous! fuck you, you-you-you-- It's ludicrous! By God, it's you--you-- impetuous! you pussy ass motherfucker! - So does that mean you gonna help You-- You dicksucker! us? - Oh, it's on. Don't sugar coat it, Taj. Let Van stay! Let Van stay! Tell me how you really feel. Seven Let Van stay! Let Van stay! years. We are now in session. Mr. Wilder. Seven years! I've accomplished You were found in violation of nothing! Article, Section B of Coolidge's There's no reason to stay here bylaws-- anymore! soliciting of alcohol to extreme Sure, sure. You've made tons of minors... friends... which is grounds for immediate who in the drop of a rupee do expulsion. anything for you, and that doesn't You have opted to appeal. mean much? The floor is yours. Who cares about Sick Boy and the Ladies and gentlemen... charities you've helped... as you know... 20 I've been a student here for seven graduating with a leisure studies years, and I've-- degree. Let Van stay! Let Van stay! I am pleading to this committee, Order! Order! Settle down, reinstate me. everyone. Let me audit my last six classes, - Continue, Mr. Wilder. - I'm okay. take the finals... I've learned a lot here at and leave Coolidge with a degree. Coolidge. God, I've bled... Let the record show that... crimson and blue for nearly a when I attended class... decade. I did receive exemplary marks. This school has given me so much. However, it was only when I met a Let me repay Coolidge... special someone... by parting ways as a graduate. that I realized what I was doing-- What are the courses Mr. Wilder hiding. needs in order to graduate? See, after this is real life, and Biology, English Lit, Calculus, I wasn't ready for that. Economics... I don't know why exactly. - Sociology and Political Science. I do know that I don't wanna end - Wow. up like my father... - That's quite a load. - Well, Van whose whole life revolves around can handle quite a load. work. If we expel him, there could be But I see that now. some sort of a coup d'état. And I'm ready to move on. He broke a rule. He should pay the Well, that's that. Good luck, consequences. loser. Who's ready for lunch? Well, let's take a vote. - Mr. Bagg, you will be quiet. - There's five of us here. Majority What's any of this got to do rules. with... I vote reinstatement. that he's guilty of an infraction - Mr. Bagg? - Expulsion. that deserves expulsion? Miss Haver? Mr. Wilder. Reinstatement... I can't argue against the over and over. infraction. Okay. Mrs. Seay? I was responsible for that party, Expulsion. so what happened was my fault. Professor McDoogle? I'm here to lay myself at the mercy You know, I've waited a long, long of this court... time for this day to come. and suggest an alternative Either way... punishment. Van Wilder's tenure here at Make me graduate. Coolidge is over. If you'll kindly take a look at my Let's see what the kid's made of. transcripts... He's in! He's in! you'll see I'm units from - Hey, Jeannie. - Look. 21 I just wanted to explain about the great job, really. whole, you know, Richard thing. Richard! I was just talking about Me and Richard's unspoken bond you. blossomed the other night in one Hey, surprise. I'm on your oral beautiful... exam board. symbiotic act. Look, come in here. I want you to - What sort of act? - Messing up meet your future alumni. that Van Wilder party. - I gotta go-- - No, come on. It's And then we bumped uglies. a great time. It was the best ten seconds ever. Look, it's Richard. Ever. Finished his written exam in only Yes, these interviews are minutes. This kid is a dynamo. somewhat of a formality... Richard, I want you to meet Dr. but I think it's crucial we Stern. like-minded people get to know one Dr. Fine. another. It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. - I knew you'd come to your senses. Bagg. I've heard a lot about you. - Hello, Richard. - Dr. Brown. - This is something Look. I know we have a lot of of a formality. surgery to perform on our We just want to get to know you relationship. better. But right now I am prepping for the And Dr. Smelnick. biggest moment of our lives. Richard, is there something you I have a written exam first, and want to say? then an interview with five You look like you want to get Northwestern alums. something out, son. All doctors. Oh, my God! That's why I came-- to help make - Vile. - Oh, it burns! you your shake. I'm bleeding! - That'd be terrific, Gwenny. - Dear God, that's wretched. I'll see you downstairs. "Oh, I kept the first for another But hurry. Interview's in a half day. hour, other side of campus. Yet knowing how way leads on to Sorry about that. way... Northwestern. I am the shit. I doubted if I should ever come You certainly will be. back." Gwenny, thank you. I want you to tell me what Robert Good luck, honey. You deserve it. Frost was trying to express here. I certainly do. I'm gonna need at least one more Cytosine. booklet. Nothin' but net, my man. - What? - In other school news... Now remember, before any final, we have an update on the "Wilder take a pregame dump. Watch." Thanks for coming in. You did a The rigorous day has been a success 22 for Van the man. boy... Five finals in the can with one who this reporter knows Professor McDoogle's advanced firsthand to have a serious econ final to go. problem... Van! Van, wake up, wake up, wake with premature ejaculation. up. And in reaction to this - Your final's in exactly seven lynching... minutes! - All right. Van put in more effort in six days It's the moment of truth, people. than most have all semester. I'm so glad you could fit us into Win or lose, we should thank him your schedule this morning. for reminding us what we're all Wouldn't miss it for the world, capable of. sir. That's simply what he does-- All right. he inspires the uninspired. Pass these out. Thank you. Van. Hurry. The night of fun and It's getting to be that time of the fornication's upon us. hour. Hey, have you heard from Gwen? And your time is up, Mr. Wilder. No, she-- she hasn't yet called Pencils down. back. - Thank you. - For four years... Right. I'll be down in a minute, I have been grooming myself for the okay? real world. - Okay. - See ya, V. I, like many, define the real world Jesus. This is some pad you got as stuff that happens after here. graduation. Decorated in early fuck. But I was wrong. It took a man by Well, I made it a point to the name of Van Wilder to teach me personally come down here, that. Wilder. You've all undoubtedly been to one I wanted to give you the results of Van's parties. of your test firsthand. He's probably touched your life in And just as I expected... some way, whether you know it or you succeeded. not. - Ninety-one percent. - What? Watch Van do belly flops into a I'm proud of you, Wilder. pool... I've been waiting all these years but make sure you see he's raised for you to realize your potential. $ , That's why you and I had friction? to give the swim team a next I thought it was 'cause I fooled season. around with your daughter As you're all aware, Van was almost freshman year. expelled. Why? What-- You fooled around with What you probably don't know is my daughter? that he was set up... What? by a pathetic, egomaniacal frat Hey, I know you. 23 - Thank you very much. - You're the Meet my new girl. best, Van. You look so-- Hey, I couldn't have did it without Wow. you. Appreciate it. - Wow. - I was hoping you'd say I need you to fill this up with ice. that. Pack as much as you can inside. - May I? - As long as we cuddle - Okay? Excuse me. I'm sorry. - I'm afterwards. sorry. There's so much that I need to My name is Orissa Punjab say-- the article-- Nizamabad. I was scared that you wouldn't I've just transferred here from come. Banglapur. Well, I was trying to decide what Excuse me. Can you tell me... panties I should wear. where I might find the raddest Which ones did you choose? fucking dude alive? None. Yeah, by the pool, Gramps. It's gonna be a bachelor party. Hey, I know you, man! Oh, fuck. One last night of debauchery with Congratulations, Van. I knew you the fellas. had it in you. You can't even-- Dad! I can't believe you're here. I mean, this girl is-- I can't believe you graduated. - I was wondering-- - I'll do it. A friend of yours... I'm getting my shit together. Just sent me this. one second. I'm proud of you, Van, graduation I can't do this! or no graduation. Oh, man. My mama never told me I'd Thank you. And I'm sorry that I be doing this. spent... I want to chew the-- such a buttload of your money for And then-- I don't know how. so long. Kids, this is what white jockey It's by far the best investment I blowin' hookers will do to you. ever made. - You did good. - Let's get this man "leid." 24