生活大爆炸台词-第一季-03集

03[Howard]:Allright,justafewmorefeet.And...Hereweare,gentlemen,theGatesofElzebob.[Sheldon]:GoodLord.[Leonard]:Don'tpanic.Thisiswhatthelast97hourshavebeenabout.[Howard]:Stayfrosty.There'sahordeofarmedgoblinsontheothersideofthatgateguardingtheSwordofAsaroth.[Leonard]:Warriors,unsheatheyourweapons.Magicwielders,raiseyourwands.[Sheldon]:Lockandload.[Howard]:Raj,blowthegates.[Raj]:Blowingthegates.Oh,myGod,somanygoblins.[Howard]:Don'tjuststandthere.Slashandmove.Slashandmove.[Leonard]:Stayinformation.[Howard]:Leonard,yougotoneonyourtail.[Leonard]:That'sallright,mytail'sprehensile.I'llswathimoff.[Raj]:Igothim,Leonard.TonightIspicemymeadwithgoblinblood.[Leonard]:Raj,no,it'satrap.They'reflankingus.[Raj]:Oh,he'sgotme.[Howard]:Sheldon,he'sgotRaj.Useyoursleepspell.Sheldon!Sheldon?[Sheldon]:I'vegottheSwordofAsaroth.[Leonard]:Forgetthesword,Sheldon,helpRaj![Sheldon]:ThereisnomoreSheldon.Iamtheswordmaster[Howard]:Leonard,lookout.[Leonard]:Damnit,man,we'redyinghere.[Sheldon]:Goodbye,peasants.[Leonard]:Thebastardteleported.[Raj]:He'ssellingtheSwordofAsarothoneBay.[Leonard]:Youbetrayedusformoney?Whoareyou?[Sheldon]:I'maroguenightelf.Don'tyoupeoplereadcharacterdescriptions?Wait,wait,wait!Somebodyjustclicked“BuyItnow”.[Howard]:Iamtheswordmaster![Sheldon]:Whoo!I'mallsweaty.Anybodywanttologonto“SecondLife”andgoswimming?Ijustbuiltavirtualpool.[Leonard]:No.Ican'tlookatyouoryouravatarrightnow.[Howard]:Soundslikeyourneighbor'shome.[Leonard]:Excuseme.[Sheldon]:Don'tforgetthemailyoutookaccidentallyonpurposesoyou’dhaveanexcusetotalktoher.[Leonard]:Oh,right,right,right,right,right.[Howard]:Stealingsnailmail,veryoldschool.Ilikeit.[Leonard]:Penny,themailmandiditagain…He...Oh,sorry.[Penny]:Hi,Leonard.ThisisDoug.Doug,thisismyneighborLeonard.[Doug]:What'sup,bro?[Leonard]:Notmuch.Bro~[Penny]:Iseverythingokay?[Leonard]:Yeah,Ijust...Igotyourmailagain.Here.[Penny]:Oh,thankyou.I'vegottotalktothatmailman.[Leonard]:Oh,no,that'sprobablynotsuchagoodidea.Youknow,civilservantshaveadocumentedpropensityto,youknow,snap,so...[Penny]:Okay.Well,thankyouagain.[Leonard]:Noproblem.Bye.Oh,andbye,bro.[Sheldon]:Pennyforyourthoughts.[Raj]:What'sthematter?[Leonard]:No,I'mfine.Penny'sfine.Theguyshe'skissingisreallyfine.[Howard]:Kissing?Whatkindofkissing?Cheeks,lips,chase,French?[Leonard]:Whatiswrongwithyou?[Howard]:I'maromantic.[Sheldon]:Pleasedon'ttellmethatyourhopelessinfatuationisdevolvingintopointlessjealousy.[Leonard]:No,I'mnotjealous.I'mjustalittleconcernedforher.Ididn'tlikethelookoftheguythatshewaswith.[Howard]:Becausehelooksbetterthanyou?[Leonard]:Yeah.Hewaskindofdreamy.[Sheldon]:Well,atleastnowyoucanretrievetheblackboxfromthetwisted,smolderingwreckagethatwasonceyourfantasyofdatingherandanalyzethedatasothatyoudon'tcrashintoGeekMountainagain.[Howard]:Idisagree.Loveisnotasprint.It'samarathon.Arelentlesspursuitthatonlyendswhenshefallsintoyourarms...orhitsyouwiththepepperspray.[Leonard]:No,I'mdonewithPenny.I'mgoingtobemorerealisticandgoaftersomeonemyownspeed.[Raj]:Likewho?[Leonard]:Idon'tknow.OliviaGeiger?[Sheldon]:Thedieticianatthecafeteriawiththelimpandthelazyeye?Well,Idon'tthinkyouhaveashotthere.IhavenoticedthatLeslieWinklerecentlystartedshavingherlegs.Now,giventhatwinteriscoming,onecanonlyassumeshe'ssignalingsexualavailability.[Howard]:Idon'tknow.Youguysworkinthesamelab.Therearepitfalls.Trustme,Iknow.Whenitcomestosexualharassmentlaw,I'mabitofaself-taughtexpert.[Leonard]:Look,Howard,ifIweretoaskLeslieWinkleout,itwouldjustbefordinner.I'mnotgonnawalkintothelab,askhertostripnakedanddanceforme.[Howard]:Oh,thenyou'reprobablyokay.[Leonard]:Hello,Leslie,Iwouldliketoproposeanexperiment...[Leslie]:Goggles,Leonard.[Leonard]:Right.Leslie,Iwouldliketoproposeanexperiment.[Leslie]:Hangon.I'mtryingtoseehowlongittakesa500-kilowattoxygen-iodinelasertoheatupmycupofnoodles.[Leonard]:I'vedoneit.Abouttwoseconds,2.6forminestrone.Anyway,Iwasthinkingmoreofabio-socialexplorationwithaneuro-chemicaloverlay.[Leslie]:Wait,areyouaskingmeout?[Leonard]:Iwasgoingtocharacterizeitasthemodificationofourcolleague-slash-friendshipparadigmwiththeadditionofadatelikecomponent,butwedon'tneedtoquibbleoverterminology.[Leslie]:Whatsortofexperimentwouldyoupropose?[Leonard]:Thereisagenerallyacceptedpatterninthisarea.Iwouldpickyouup,takeyoutoarestaurant,thenwewouldseeamovie.ProbablyaromanticcomedyfeaturingthetalentsofHughGrantorSandraBullock.[Leslie]:Interesting.Andwouldyouagreethattheprimarywaywewouldevaluateeitherthesuccessorfailureofthedatewouldbebasedonthebiochemicalreactionduringthegoodnightkiss?[Leonard]:Heartrate,pheromones,etcetera,yes.[Leslie]:Whydon'twejuststipulatethatthedategoeswellandmovetothekeyvariable?[Leonard]:Youmeankissyounow?Canyoudefinetheparametersofthekiss?[Leslie]:Closedmouth,butromantic.Mint?[Leonard]:Thankyou.ShallIcountdownfromthree?[Leslie]:No,Ithinkitneedstobespontaneous.Whatdoyouthink?[Leonard]:Youproposedtheexperiment.Ithinkyoushouldpresentyourfindingsfirst.[Leslie]:Fairenough.Ontheplusside,itwasagoodkiss,reasonabletechnique,noextraneousspittle.Ontheotherhand,noarousal.[Leonard]:None?Well,thankyouforyourtime…Noneatall?[Howard]:Sheldon,ifyouwerearobotandIknewandyoudidn't...wouldyouwantmetotellyou?[Sheldon]:Thatdepends.WhenIlearnthatI'marobot,willIbeabletohandleit?[Howard]:Maybe…althoughthehistoryofsciencefictionisnotonyourside.[Sheldon]:Okay.Letmeaskyouthis.WhenIlearnthatI'marobot,wouldIbeboundbyAsimov'sThreeLawsofRobotics?[Raj]:Youmightbeboundbythemrightnow.[Howard]:That'strue.Haveyoueverharmedahumanbeingorthroughinactionallowedahumanbeingtocometoharm?[Sheldon]:Ofcoursenot.[Howard]:Haveyoueverharmedyourselforallowedyourselftobeharmedexceptincaseswhereahumanbeingwouldhavebeenendangered?[Sheldon]:Well,no.[Howard]:Ismellrobot.[Leonard]:Hey,what'sgoingon?[Sheldon]:Internet'sbeendownforhalfanhour.[Raj]:Also,Sheldonmaybearobot.[Howard]:Sohow'ditgowithLeslie?[Leonard]:Oh,wetriedkissing,buttheEarthdidn'tmove.[Sheldon]:Oh,I'veseenthatlookbefore.Thisisjustgoingtobetwoweeksofmopingandtediousemosongsandcallingmetocomedowntopetstorestolookatcats.Idon'tknowifIcantakeit.[Raj]:Youcouldpowerdown.[Howard]:Well,asusual,Wolowitzhasthesolution.IhappentoknowaplacewherethereareplentyofeligiblewomenandLeonardcouldhavehispick.[Sheldon]:Oh,goodLord.[Leonard]:oh,god,that'sagoodsong.[Sheldon]:Ifyou'recompilingamixCDforadoublesuicide.Oh,Ihopethatscratchingpostisforyou.[Leonard]:Iknowwhatyou'rethinking.I'vetakenyourasthmaintoaccount.There'safelinegeneticistinSanDiegowho'sdevelopedthecutestlittlehypoallergeniccalicos.[Sheldon]:Leonard,listentome...[Leonard]:I'vebeenthinkingaboutnames.I'mkindoftornbetweenEinstein,NewtonandSergeantFuzzyBoots.[Sheldon]:Leonard,doyoureallythinkyoucansatisfyyourneedforarelationshipwithageneticallyalteredcat?[Leonard]:Maybe,ifit'sacute,little,cuddlycat.[Sheldon]:Oh,comeon,Leonard...ThisisobviouslyaboutPenny.[Leonard]:Itdoesn'tmatter.Thewoman'snotinterestedinme.Thewomanrejectedme.[Sheldon]:Okay,look.IthinkthatyouhaveasmuchofachanceofhavingasexualrelationshipwithPenny…Nevertheless,Idofeelobligatedtopointouttoyouthatshedidnotrejectyou.Youdidnotaskherout.[Leonard]:You'reright.Ididn'taskherout.Ishouldaskherout.[Sheldon]:No,no,nowthatwasnotmypoint.Mypointwas,don'tbuyacat.[Leonard]:No,butyou'reright.Ishouldmarchoverthereandaskherout.[Sheldon]:Oh,goody,we'regettingacat.[Penny]:HeyLeonard.[Leonard]:Goodafternoon,Penny.So,Iwaswonderingifyouhadplansfordinner?[Penny]:Youmeandinnertonight?[Leonard]:Thereisaninherentambiguityintheword“dinner”.Technicallyitreferstothelargestmealofthedaywheneverit'sconsumed.Sotoclarifyhere,bydinnerImeansupper.[Penny]:Supper?[Leonard]:Ordinner.Iwasthinking6:30ifyoucango?Oradifferenttime.[Penny]:Uh,6:30isgreat.[Leonard]:Really?Great.[Penny]:Yeah,Ilikehangingoutwithyouguys.[Leonard]:Usguys?[Penny]:Yeah,youknow,Sheldon,Howard,Raj.Whoall'scoming?[Leonard]:They...mightallbethere.Orasubsetofthemmightbethere.Algebraicallyspeaking,therearetoomanyunknowns.[Penny]:Okay,whatever,itsoundslikefun.[Leonard]:Great.Didwesayatime?[Penny]:Six-thirty.[Leonard]:Andthat'sstillgoodforyou?[Penny]:It'sfine.[Leonard]:Causeit'snotcarvedinstone.[Penny]:No,six-thirtyisgreat.[Leonard]:I'llgetmychisel.[Penny]:Why?[Leonard]:To...carvethe...Okay,I'llseeyouat6:30.[Leonard]:HowdoIlook?[Sheldon]:Couldyoubemorespecific?[Leonard]:CanyoutellI'mperspiringalittle?[Sheldon]:No.Thedarkcrescent-shapedpatternsunderyourarmsconcealitnicely.Whattimeisyourdate?[Leonard]:Six-thirty.[Sheldon]:Perfect.Thatgivesyoutwohoursand15minutesforthatdensemolecularcloudofaramistodissipate.[Leonard]:Isittoomuch?[Sheldon]:Notifyou'rearugbyteam.[Leonard]:Bytheway,ifitshouldevercomeup,youdidn'tjoinusbecauseyoustuffedyourselfwithachickencarbonarasubatQuiznos.[Sheldon]:WhywouldIjoinyou?[Leonard]:Noreason.Oh,youknowwhat?Maybethisisn'tsuchagoodidea.[Sheldon]:Oh,no,no,well,nowthere'salwaysthepossibilitythatalcoholandpoorjudgmentonherpartmightleadtoaniceromanticevening.[Leonard]:You'reright.Alcohol,poorjudgment.Itcouldgowell.[Sheldon]:Ofcourse,thereistheotherpossibility,thatthisdatekicksoffaratherunpleasant6monthsofthetwoofyoupassingawkwardlyinthehall,untiloneofyoubreaksdownandmovestoanotherzipcode.[Leonard]:Youcould'vestoppedat“itcouldgowell”.[Sheldon]:IfIcould've,Iwould've.[Leonard]:Imean,I'maperfectlyniceguy.There'snoreasonwecouldn'tgototherestaurantandhavealovelydinner.Maybetakeawalkafterwards,talkaboutthingswehaveincommon.“Youlovepottery?Ilovepottery!”There'sapause,webothknowwhat'shappening.Ileanin,wekiss.It'salittletentativeatfirst,butthenIrealizeshe'skissingmeback.She'sbitingmylowerlip!Shewantsme!Thisthingisgoingthedistance!We'regoingtohavesex!Oh,God,oh,myGod.[Sheldon]:Isthesexstartingnow?[Leonard]:I'mhavingapanicattack.[Sheldon]:Oh,wellthen...calmdown.[Leonard]:IfIcouldcalmdown,Iwouldn'tbehavingapanic.That'swhytheycallitapanicattack.[Sheldon]:Allright,allright,wouldyoujustsitdown.Yeah,sitdown.Now,closeyoureyes.[Leonard]:Why?[Sheldon]:Justdoit.It'srelaxationthroughbrainwavemanipulation.IreadapaperaboutitinJournalofAmericanNeuroscience.Itwasalittlesparselysourced,butIthinkthebasicscienceisvalid.Iprobablyhaveitheresomewhere.[Leonard]:WhoamIkidding?Ican'tgothroughwiththis.Youneedtocallherandcancel.[Sheldon]:WhatshouldItellher?[Leonard]:Idon'tknow.TellherI'msick.Notthekindofillnessthatwillmakeherwanttocomeoverandtakecareofme,but,butnothingsocriticalthatshe'llfeeluncomfortablegoingoutwithmeinthefuture,ifIwanttotrythisagain.[Sheldon]:Gotit.SoI'massumingnothingvenereal?I'lljusttellherthatyouhadaroutinecolonoscopyandhaven'tquitebouncedback.[Leonard]:Givemethephone.[Sheldon]:Ithoughtyouwantedtocancel.[Leonard]:Ican't,becauseifIdon'tshowupshe'llstillbeexpectingyou.[Sheldon]:Whywouldshebeexpectingme?[Leonard]:Stopaskingmeallthesequestions.Ineedtotakeanothershower.[Penny]:Soaretherestoftheguysmeetingushere?[Leonard]:Oh,yeah…no.ItturnsoutthatRajandHowardhadtowork,andSheldon...hadacolonoscopyandhehasn'tquitebouncedbackyet.[Penny]:Oh,myunclejusthadacolonoscopy.[Leonard]:You'rekidding.Well,thenthat'ssomethingwehaveincommon.[Penny]:How?[Leonard]:Webothhavepeopleinourliveswhowannanipintestinalpolypsinthebud.[Penny]:So,what'snewintheworldofphysics?[Leonard]:Nothing.[Penny]:Really?Nothing?[Leonard]:Well,withtheexceptionofstringtheory,notmuchhashappenedsincethe1930sandyoucan'tprovestringtheory.Atbestyoucansay,“Hey,look,myideahasaninternallogicalconsistency”.[Penny]:Well,I'msurethingswillpickup.[Leonard]:What'snewatTheCheesecakeFactory?[Penny]:Oh,notmuch.Wedohaveachocolatekeylimethat'smovingprettywell.[Leonard]:Good.Um,whataboutyourhallwayfriend?[Penny]:Doug?Oh,Idon'tknow.Imean,youknow,he'sniceandfunny,but...[Lady]:CanIgetyoustartedwithsomedrinks?[Leonard]:No.Youweresaying?[Penny]:Idon'tknow,it'sjustme.I'mstillgettingoverthisbreakupwithKurt.AndthisthingwithDougwouldjustbereboundsex.[Leonard]:Don'tgetmestartedonreboundsex.[Penny]:It'sjust...it'smypattern.Ibreakup,thenIfindsomecuteguy,andthenit'sjust36meaninglesshoursof...Youknow.[Leonard]:I'mnotsurethatIdo.Um...isthatone36-hourexperienceoristhat36hoursspreadoutoversay...oneglorioussummer?[Penny]:No.It'susuallyoveraweekend,andtrustme,youdonotfeelgoodafterit.[Leonard]:Well,chafing,right?[Penny]:Emotionally.[Leonard]:Ofcourse,yeah.Emotionalchafing.Hey,doyouwanttoseesomethingcool?Icanmakethisolivegointothisglasswithouttouchingit.[Penny]:How?[Leonard]:Physics.[Penny]:Wow,Centrifugalforce.[Leonard]:Actually,it'scentripetalforce...Oh.Excuseme.Now,ifyouwereridingontheolive,you'dbeinanon-inertialreferenceframeandwould...[Penny]:Areyouokay?[Leonard]:Yeah,I'mokay.Didyouspillketchup?[Penny]:No.[Leonard]:I'mnotokay.[Penny]:Areyousureyoudon'twanttogototheemergencyroom?[Leonard]:No,no,I'mokay.Itstoppedbleeding.[Penny]:Iknow,butyoudidthrowup.Isn'tthatasignofaconcussion?[Leonard]:Yes,butIgetcarsick,too,so...Sorryaboutyourcar,bytheway.[Penny]:Oh,no,it'sfine.Yougotmostofitoutthewindow.[Leonard]:Thepoorguyonthebike.Well,Ihadanicetime.[Penny]:Yeah,metoo.Well,goodnight.[Leonard]:Goodnight.[Penny]:Leonard,wasthissupposedtobeadate?[Leonard]:This?No,ofcoursenot.Thiswasjustyouandmehangingoutwithabunchofguyswhodidn'tshowupcauseofworkandacolonoscopy.[Penny]:Okay,Iwasjustchecking.[Leonard]:WhenItakeagirlonadate,andIdo,sheknowsshe'sbeendated.IthinkImighthavealittleconcussion.I'mgonnagoliedownforawhile.Goodnight.[Sheldon]:So,howwasyourdate?[Leonard]:Awesome![Sheldon]:Scoreoneforliquorandpoorjudgment.-------------THEEND-------------