英语短篇小说 An Anxious Man

AnAnxiousManJamesLasdunIJosephNagelslumpedforward,headinhands.‘MyGod,’hegroaned.Elisesnappedoffthecarradio.‘Calmdown,Joseph.’‘That’sfourstraightdayssincewegothere.’‘Joseph,please.’‘Whatdoyouthinkwe’redownnow?Sixty?Eightythousand?’‘It’llcomeback.’‘Weshouldhavesoldeverythingafterthefirsttwenty.Thatwouldhavebeenanacceptableloss.Giventhatweweretoostupidtosellwhenwewereactuallyahead–‘Josephfeltthepetulantnoteinhisvoice,toldhimselftoshutup,andplungedon:‘Ididsayweshouldgetout,didn’tI?Frankly,itwasirresponsiblecommittingallthatmoney–‘shutup,shutup‘-nottomentiontheunseemlinessofbuyinginwhenyoudid–‘OhGod…Hiswifespokeicily:‘Ididn’thearyoucomplainwhenwewereahead.’‘Allright,butthat’snotthepoint.Thepointis–‘‘What?’Herfacehadtightenedangrilyonitself,alllineandbone.‘Thepointis…’Buthehadlosthistrainofthoughtandsatblinking,walledinathickgriefthatseemedforamomentunaccountedforbymoneyoranythingelsehecouldputhisfingeron.Elisegotoutofthecar.‘Let’sgoforaswim,shallwe,Darcy?’Sheopenedthereardoorfortheirdaughterandledheraway.Glumly,Josephwatchedthemwalkhandinhanddownthroughthescruboaksandpinestothesandyedgeofthekettlepond.Hegatheredthetwobagsfromtheshoppingexpeditionintohislap,burremainedinthecar,heavilyimmobile.Money…Forthefirsttimeintheirlivestheyhadsomecapital.IthadcomefromthesaleofanapartmentElisehadinherited,andithadarousedvolatileforcesintheirhousehold.Thoughnotavastamount–underaquarterofamilliondollarsafterestatetaxes–itwaslargeenough,ifconsideredasastakeratherthananesteff,toformthebasisofadreamofrealriches,andJosephhadfoundhimselfunexpectedlysusceptibletothisdream.Themoneyhadmadeasadealerinantiqueprintsandfurniturewasenough,combineswithElise’sincomefromoccasionalweb-designjobs,tokeeptheminmodestcomfort–twocars,anoldbrickhouseinAureliawithlilacbushesandagrapearbour,theyearlytripupheretotheCape–buttherewasn’tmuchleftoverforDarcy’scollegefund,letalonetheirretirement.Inthepastsuchmattershadn’ttroubledhimgreatly,butwiththeadventofElise’sinheritancehehadfeltsuddenlyawokenintonewandurgentresponsibilities.Attheiragetheyshouldn’tbeworryingabouthowtopayformedicalcoverageeveryyear,shouldthey?Ordebatingwhethertheycouldaffordthedentalandeye-carepackagetoo?Andwasn’titabouttimetheybuiltastudiosothatElisecouldconcentrateonherpainting?Themoreheconsideredthesethings,themorenecessary,asopposedtomerelydesirable,theyhadseemed,untilhebegantothinkthattogoonmuchlongerwithoutthemwouldbetoacceptfailure–amarginalexistencethatwoulddoubtlessgrowmorepinchedastimewentby,andendinsqualor.AfterprobatehadclearedandElisehadsoldtheapartment,theyhadgonetoamanonWallStreet,amoneymanagerwhodidn’tasarulehandleaccountsoflessthanamilliondollars,butwho,asaspecialfavourtothemutualacquaintancewhohadrecommendedhim,hadagreedtoconsiderallowingtheNagelstoinvesttheircapitalinoneofhisfunds.MortonDowell,theman’snamewas.Gazingoutatthepondglitteringthroughthepines,Josephrecalledhimvividly:atanned,smiling,sapphire-eyedmaninastripedshirtwithwhitecollarandcuffs,andapairofelasticizedsilversleevelinkscirclinghisarms.Ayoungassistant,baldingandgrave,hadshownthemintoDowell’scherry-panelledboweroverlookingGovernor’sIsland.There,sunkindimpledleatherarmchairs,JosephandElisehadlistenedtoDowellmuseinanEnglish-accenteddrawlonhis‘extraordinaryrunofgoodluck’thesepasttwentyyears,inclininghisheadinmodestdisavowalwhentheassistantmurmuredthathecouldthinkofabetterwordforitthanluck,whilecasuallyevokingimageafterimageofthetransformationshehadwroughtuponhisclients’lives,andhintingcasuallyatthespecialintimacieswithinthehighercirclesoffinancethathadenabledhimtoaccomplishthesetransformations.‘Ithinkit’sjustsomuchfuntohelppeopleattainthethingstheywantfromlife,’hehadsaid,‘beitayachtorahouseonStBart’soraSteinwayfortheirmusicalchild…’Josephhadlistened,mesmerized,hardlydaringtohopethatthismightypersonagewouldconsenttosprinklehismagicupontheirmodestcapital.HewasalmostovercomewithgratitudewhenattheendofthemeetingDowellappearedtohavedecidedtheywouldmakeacceptableclients,sendinghisassistanttofetchhiSovereignMutualFundprospectusforthemtotakehome.‘Whatacreep,’Elisehadmurmuredastheywaitedfortheelevatoroutside.‘Iwouldn’tleavehiminaroomwithDarcy’spiggybank.’\Stunned,Josephhadopenedhismouthtodefendtheman,butatoncefoundhimselfhesitating.Perhapsshewasright…Heknewhimselftobeapoorjudgeofpeople.He,whocoulddetectthemostskilfullyfakedMissiondeskorFederal-erasleighbedmerelybystandinginitspresenceforamoment,waslesssureofhimselfwhenitcametohumanbeings.Hetendedtolikethemonprinciple,buthissenseofwhattheywere,essentiallywasvague,unstable–qualitieshesuspectedmightbelinkedtosomecorrespondinginstabilityinhimself.WhereasElise,whohadlittleinterestinmaterialthings(andwhohadbeenaltogetherlessunsettledbyherinheritancethanhehad),tookakeenifsomewhatdetachedinterestinotherpeople,andwasshrewdatassessingthem.EvenastheirelevatorbegandescendingfromDowell’soffice,Josephhadfoundhissenseofthemanbeginningtofalter.Andbythetimetheygothomeithadreverseditselfentirely.Ofcourse,hehadthought,picturingtheman’stannedsmileandsparkingarmbandsagain;whatanobviousphony!Areptile!Heshudderedtothinkhoweasilyhehadbeentakenin.‘Youknowwhat?Youshouldinvestthemoneyyourself.’HehadtoldElise.‘Thathadcrossedmymind.’‘Youshoulddoit,Elise!Itcan’tbethathard.’Hewasbrimmingwithsuddenenthusiasmfortheidea.‘PerhapsIwillgiveitatry.’‘Youshould!Youhavegoodinstincts.That’sallthatmatters.Thesemoneymanagersarejustguessinglikeanyoneelse.You’dbeasgoodasanyofthem.’Andthisinfacthadappearedtobethecase.Afterbidinghertimeforseveralweeks,Elisehadmadehermovewithanaudacitythatstunnedhim.ItwasrightaftertheSeptember11attacks,whentheshell-shockedmarketsreopened.Overtendays,astheDowreeledandstaggered,sheboughtandboughtandbought,icilyresolutewhileJosephflailedaroundher,wrenchedbetweenhisfearfulcertaintythattheentirecapitalistsystemwasabouttocollapse,hisguiltyterrorofbeingpunishedbythegodsforattemptingtoprofitfromdisaster,andhisrisingexcitement,asthetideturnedandhecouldsee,ontheSchwabwebpageoverhiswife’sshoulder,thefigureintheTotalGaincolumnswellingdayafterdayinexuberantvindicationofherinstincts.Animmensecontentmenthadfilledhim.ThankGodshehadkeptthemoneyoutofthatfiendDowell’sclutches!Butthenthetidehadturnedagain.ThenumberthathadbeengrowingsorapidlyintheTotalGaincolumn,puttingoutathird,fourth,thenafifthfigure,likeashipunfurlingsailsinthegreatwindofprosperitythathadseemedsettoblowonceagainacrossAmerica,hadslowedtoahalt,lowereditssailsonebyone,andthen,terrifyingly,beguntosink.AndsuddenlyElise’sshrewdness,theinnatefinancialacumenhehadattributedtoher,hadbeguntolooklikenothingmorethanbeginner’sluck,whileinplaceofhiscontentment,amassofanxietiesbeganteeminginsidehim.Howexhaustingitallwas.Howhehatedit!Itwasasthough,ininvestingthemoney,Elisehadunwittinglyattachedhimbyinvisiblefilamentstosomevast,seethingcollectivepsychethatneverrested.Havingpaidnoattentiontofinancialmattersbefore,henowappearedtobeenslavedbythem.WhentheDoworNASDAQwentdown,hewasdraggedwiththem,unabletoenjoyabeautifulday,agoodmeal,orevenhisnightlygameofchequerswithhisdaughter.Almostworse,ontherareoccasionswhentheindiceswentup,aweirdstuporofhappinesswouldseizehim,nomatterwhatawfulthingsmightbegoingonaroundhim.Andmorethanjusthismood,themanagementofhisentiresenseofrealityseemedtohavebeenhandedovertothemarkets.GlimpsingintheTimesBusinessSection(pagesthatwouldformerlyhavegonestraightintotherecyclingbin)anarticleonmutualfundsbuckingthedownwardtrend,hehadseenMortonDowell’sSovereignFundamongtheluckyfew,andfeltsuddenlyafoolforhavingallowedwhatatonceseemedanactofastoundinglypoorjudgmenttosteerhimawayfromthatsterling,agileman…God!Allthatandthenightmarishdiscoverythatyoucouldnevergetoutonceyouwereinanyway–couldn’tsellwhenyouwereaheadbecauseyoumightmissoutongettingevenfurtherahead,couldn’tsellwhenyouweredownbecausethemarketmightcomesurgingbackthenextweek,leavingyouhighanddrywithyourlosses,thoughofcoursewhenitmerelycontinuedtankingyouwantedtotearyourhairoutfornothavinghadthehumilitytoacknowledgeyourmistake,andsalvage,sadderbutwider,whatyoucould.Whateveryoudid,itseemedyouwereboundtoregretdoingit,ornothavingdoneitsooner.Itwasasthoughsomemalicioushigherpower,havinginspectedtheworkingsofthehumanmind,hadcalibratedatormentforitbasedonpreciselytheinstinctsofdesireandcautionthatweresupposedtoenableittosurvive.Onecouldnomorehelponeselfthanthechickadeethatnestedinthelilacsoutsidetheirlivingroomcouldstopattackingitsownreflectioninthewindowalldaylongeveryspring,howeverbafflingandterribleeveryheadlongslamagainsttheglassmusthavefelt.Wearily,Josephclimbedoutofthecar.Inthekitchen,asheunpackedthegrocerybags,hemadeaconsciousefforttoflightoffhisgloom.Fourdaysintothevacationandhehadyettorelax.Itwasabsurd.Theweatherwasperfect,therentedhousepeaceful,thefreshwaterponditstoodbyclearasglass,theoceanbeachesbeyonditmagnificent.Andatthreehundreddollarsadayforthehousealonehecouldn’taffordnottobeenjoyinghimself.Hishandmadecontactwithasoft,coldpackageinsideoneofthebags.Ahyes.Herewassomethingonecouldcontemplatewithunequivocalrelish:apoundandahalfoffreshqueenscallopsforthegrilltonight.HehadboughtthematTaylor’s,whileEliseadDarcyshoppedattheproducestorenextdoor.Taylor’swasoneofthegloriesoftheCape,andasalways,ithadbeenpackedthatafternoon,vacationerscrushedupagainstthezincslope,anxiouslyeyeingthediminishingpilesofsnowywhitebassfilletsorglisteningpinktunasteaks,guardingtheirplaceinlinewithonefootwhilepeeringaheadtoseewhatsandygoldtreasureslayintheday’ssalverofsmokedseafood.Therehadbeenanincident:twowomenhadeachlaidclaimtothelastpairoflobstersinthetank.Thewomanwhowasfirstinlinehadbeendistracted,searchingforsomethinginherpurse,whentheteenageservercameover.Theotherwoman,tallandbronzed,inanoutfitofsometissueymaterialslungweblikebetweenthinchainsofbeadedgold,hadsilentlyhelduptwofingersandpointedtothelobsters,whichtheboywasalreadyweighingforherwhenthefirstwomanrealizedwhatwashappening.Sheprotestedthatshehadbeenfirstinline,buttheotherwomansimplyignoredher,handingtheboyseveralbillswithanintensesmileandtellinghimtokeepthechange,whiletheboyhimselfstoodinakindofparalysisthatseemedasmuchtodowithherimmaculatelyconstructedglamourtrainingitselfuponhimatfullbeamaswiththeawkwardnessofthesituation.‘We’llbegetting’moreinlater,’hehadmutteredlamelytothefirstwoman.‘Well,gosh…’shehadsaidbreathilyastheotherwoman,stillsmiling,strodeserenelyout,thetwolivelobstersswingingfromherhandintheirbagofcrushedice.Joseph,whohadobserveditall,hadfeltvaguelythatheoughttostandupforthewomaninfront.Butnobodyelsehadstirredanditdidn’tafterallseemamatterofgreatimportance,sothatintheendhehaddonenothing,afactofwhichhehadfeltfractionallyashamedasheleftthestore.Atanyratehehadhisscallops–huge,succulentones,withtheirdelicate-tastingpinkcoralsstillattached.Luckyhe’dboughtthembeforehearingtheday’snumbers,hethought,smilingalittle.OtherwisehemighthavebalkedattheastronomicalpriceTaylor’schargedperpound.Hestowedthemawaywithafeelingofminortriumph,asifhehadsnatchedthemfromtheveryjawsoftheNASDAQ.Therewasnosignofhiswifeanddaughterwhenhemadehiswaydowntothepond.Hestoodonthesmallprivatejettythatcamewiththehouse,wonderingifhewerebeingpunishedforhiscommentaboutthetimingofElise’sinvestments.Elisedidhaveapunitivestreak,andhiscommenthadundoubtedlybeenoffensive.Still,itwasunlikehertovanishaltogetherwithouttellinghim.Aslightanxietystirredinhim.Hefoughtit:hehadnoticedagrowingtendencytoworryrecently,andhewasawarethatheneededtogetagriponit.Theymusthavegoneofftopickblackberries,hetoldhimself,ormaybetheyhaddecidedtowalkoverthedunestotheocean.Atanyratehewouldhavehisswim–acrossthepondandback–beforeheallowedhimselftobecomeconcerned.Hesteppedintotheclearwater,walkedoutuptohisknees,thenplungedin,drawinghimselfforwardwithleisurelystrokes.Thetopfewinchesofwaterweresun-warmed;belowthatitwasabruptlycold.Therewerenootherpeoplearound.Thumbnail-sizedwaterskimmersteemedonthesurfaceaheadofhim,thousandsofthem,jettingtwitchilyineverydirection.The‘pond’(hewouldhavecalleditalake)wasaquartermilewide.Ittookhimtwentyminutestocrossit,andbyadeterminedeffortofwillhemanagednottolookbackoncetoseewhetherEliseandDarcyhadreturned.Atthefarshoreheclimbedouttotouchland,thenturnedaround,half-believingthathewouldberewardedforhisself-controlbythesightoffiguresonthejettybelowtheirhouse.Therewerenone.Easynow,heinstructedhimselfashewadedinagain.Therewasstillthejourneybackbeforehewasofficiallyallowedtoworry.Butknowingthatintwentyminutesyouweregoingtolegitimatelysuccumbtoanxietywasnotverydifferentfromsuccumbingtoitrightnow.Hecouldfeelinadvancehow,ashepassedthehalfwaypointonthepond,hewouldbeseizedbyamountingangeratElisefornotinforminghimofherplans,andhow,asheswamon,theangerwouldchangegraduallytofear,whichwasworsebecauseitindicated,diditnot,thatone’smindhadreachedsomelimitofreasonablehopeandswitcheditsbetfromherandDarcybeingperfectly,ifirresponsibly,safesomewheretotheirbeingcaughtupinsomedisaster.Howwearying,howhumiliatingitwastohavesolittlefaithinanything,tobesoabjectlyatthemercyofeverytremoroffearinone’smind…Unballastedbyanydefiniteconvictionsofhisown(convictions,helikedtojoke,wereforconvicts),heappearedtohavegoneadriftinarealmofpuresuperstition.IfIavoidlisteningtoMarketplaceforthreedays,theDowwillmiraculouslyrecover:Itdidnot.IfIclosemyeyesandholdmybreathforseventeenstrokesEliseandDarcywillbethereonthejetty…Theywerenot.Heswanon,thrustingoutviolentlyfromhisshoulders,ropesofcoolerwaterslippingaroundhisanklesashekickedbackanddown,ashardashecould,inanefforttoannihilatethedroneofhisownthoughts.Thesunwaslowinthesky,bandingeveryripplehemadewithacreamyglaze.Thelighthere!Thatwassomethingelsetorelish.Intheearlymorningitseemedtoglowfrominsidethetrees,spillingoutfromoneleafafteranotherasthesunrose,arich,gold-tintedgreen.Intheafternoonitturnedtothiscreamysilver.Then,itwasthelightitselfonebecameawareof,ratherthanthethingsitlit.Rightnow,infact,asJosephlookedacrossthepond,theglareofdirectandwater-reflectedlightwassobrighthecouldnolongerseethefarshore.Thisseemedpropitious,andhedeliberatelyrefrainedfromtryingtosquintthroughthedazzle,surrenderingtoit.Hehadcaughtthismomentonceortwicebeforeonthepond,anditdidhavesomemysterious,elevatingsplendouraboutithattookyououtofyourself.Everythingseemedpurelyanoccurrenceoflight:thewaterstreamingglassilyasheraisedeacharmfortitsstroke,bubblesslidingoverthecurvingripples,thewater-skimmersregisteringnolongerasfranticinsecthordesbutcareeningsaucersoflight,thewholeglitteringmassofphenomenasoabsorbingitemptiedyoursensofanythingbutitself,andforamomentyouhadtheimpressionyoucouldnotonlyseethelightbuttasteit,smellit,feelitonyourskin,andhearitringingallaroundyoulikeshakenbells.Darcywasstandingattheendofthejettywhenhecamethroughtheglare.Shewasleaningoverthewaterwithafishingnetinherhand.Anothergirlwasbesideher,shorterandplumper,holdingayellowbucket.Behindthem,alittlefurtheroffalongthebeach,satElise,drawinginhersketchpad.ForamomentJosephtriedtoresistthejoyfulreliefthatthesightoffered(reliefbeingjusttheobverseoftheirrationalanxietyofwhichhewastryingtocurehimself,andthereforeequallyundesirable),butitfloodedintohim.Theywerethere!Noharmhadcometothem!Heswamonhappily.Howlitheandsupplehisdaughterlookedinherswimsuit,herlegsgrowinglongnow,beautifullysmooth,herbrownhairalreadystreakedgoldfromthesun.Asurgeoflovecameintohim,andwithitafeelingofshame.Howcrazilyoutofperspectivehehadletthingsget,tohaveallowedmoneytoloomlargerinhismindthanhisowndaughter!Afeweveningsagoshehadbeentellinghimindetailtheplotofafilmshehadseen.Hehadpretendedtobepayingattention,butsopreoccupiedhadhebeenwiththeday’slossesthatevenhispretencehadbeenafailure.WithapangherememberedthelookofdismayonDarcy’sfaceassherealisedhewasn’tlisteningtoawordshewassaying.Howcouldhehavedonethat?Itwasunforgivable!Thegirlsdartedoffasheapproachedthejetty,runningdownapaththatledaroundthepond.Eliseremainedonherdeckchair.Shegreetedhimwithafriendlylook.‘Didyoumakeitallthewayacross?’sheasked.‘Alltheway.IseeDarcyfoundafriend.’‘Yes.She’sstayinginthenexthousedown.We’reinvitedoverforcocktailslateron.’‘Cocktails.My!’‘Isaidwe’dgo.Darcy’ssoexcitedtohaveaplaymate.’‘Issheboredhere?’‘No,butyouknowhowitis…’‘Ithoughtwemightrentbikestomorrow,andgowhalewatching.’‘Interestingconcept.’‘What?Oh!’Shewassmilingathim.Helaughed.Anotheroflife’sunequivocalpleasures:beingreinstatedinhiswife’sgoodgraces.Herubbedhimselfdry.Hefeltrefreshed,lightonhisfeet.AnhourlaterandheandElisewalkedovertojointheirdaughterathernewfriend’shouse.Atallwomancarryingapitcherofpurplishliquidgreetedthemonthedeck.‘TheycallthisaCapeCodder,’shesaid,holdingherfreehandouttoJoseph.‘Hi,I’mVeronica.’ShewasthewomanhehadseenearlieroninTaylor’s.Shehadchangedoutofthetissueytopintoasleevelessrobeofflowing,peach-colouredlinen,butJosephhadrecognizedheratonceasthevictorintheincidentwiththelobsters.Shepouredthedrinksandcalledintothehouse:‘Sugar…’Anoldermancameoutontothedeck,sunburned,withastrong,haggardfaceandvigoroussilverytuftssproutingathisopenshire.‘HalKaplan,’hesaid,grippingJoseph’shandandbaringarowofshinywhiteteethinabroadsmile.Veronicapoureddrinksandthefouradultssatatasteeltableonthedeck,wh8ilethegirlsplayeddownbythepond.Shespokerapidly,herlargeeyesmovingwithanintentsociabilitybetweenEliseandJoseph.Withinminutes,shehadspedtheconversationpasttheconventionalpleasantriestomoreintimatequestionsanddisclosures,inwhichshetookanunashamedlyflagrantdelight.SheandHalwereeachother’sthirdspouse,shevolunteered;theyhadmetonahelicopterrideintotheGrandCanyon.Thegirl,Karen,wasHal’sDaughterbyhissecondwife,whohaddiedinaspeedboatcrash.HeandVeronicahadbeentryingforayeartohaveachildoftheirown.Therewasn’tanythingphysicallywrongwitheitherofthem,butbecauseshewasapproachingfortyandtheydidn’twanttoriskmissingout,theyhaddecidedtosignupatanexpensiveclinicforinvitrofertilization,aprocessshedescribedindrolldetail,downtoherhusband’stwenty-minutesojournsinthe‘masturbatorium’.Don’tmindme,hertoneseemedtosignalassheprobedandconfided,I’mnotsomeoneyouhavetoseriously…‘Howaboutyouguys…?’sheasked.‘Howdidyoumeet?’Asheanswered,Josephfoundhimselfthinkingthatifhehadn’tseenherinTaylor’searlieron,hewouldhavetakenherforpreciselythecharminglyfrivolousandsweet-naturedpersonsheseemedintentonappearing.Andinfacthesodislikedholdinganegativeviewofpeoplethatherapidlyallowedhispresentimpressionofhertoeclipsetheearlierone.Hal,herhusband,hadbeenaneyesurgeoninMiamifortwenty-fiveyears.Nowhewasliving,asheputit,onhis‘wits’.Judgingfromthehousethey’drented–bigger,sleekerandglassierthanEliseandJoseph’s–hewasdoingallrightonthem.‘Karenisinlovewithyourdaughter,’VeronicasaidtoElise,‘sheisinlovewithher.’ElisemurmuredthatDarcywasthrilledtoo.Swallowsweredivingoverthepond,pickingoffskimmers.Asthesunwentdownbehindthetreesthewaterturnedagreenishblack,withascatteringoffieryripples.Thegirlscameup,wrappedintowels,shiveringalittle.Eliselookedatherwatch.‘Whydon’tyoustayandeatdinnerwithus?’Veronicaasked.Elisesmiled:‘Ohno,wecouldn’tpossibly…’‘It’dbenotrouble,really.’‘Sayyes,Mommy!’Darcycried.‘We&r