DifficultConversations高难度谈话英文版

DifficultConversations高难度谈话英文版 about the authors Douglas Stone is a Lecturer on Law at Harvard Law School and a partner at Triad Consulting Group com a consulting rm specializing in negotiation communication and conict resolu- tion He consults to universities law rms nancial institutions non- prots governments and businesses large and small Stone has taught and mediated in South Africa Cyprus South Korea and at the Organization of African Unity in Ethiopia and his articles have appeared in publications ranging from The New York Times to Parents magazine He is a graduate of Harvard Law School where for ten years he served as Associate Director of the Harvard Negotiation Project He is currently researching the interplay between trauma and forgiveness especially in the context of race gender or divided communities He can be reached at dstonecom Bruce Patton is Deputy Director of the Harvard Negotiation Project which he co-founded and a partner in CMIVantage Partners LLC vantagepartnerscom a global consulting rm that helps organizations build their capacity to manage relationships negotia- tions and conict with suppliers customers alliance partners cross- matrix teammates in ways that create rather than destroy value Patton has also helped structure the South African constitutional process craft a resolution of the 1980 Iranian hostage conict and facilitate labor agreements for educational reform Appointed Thaddeus R Beal Lecturer on Law in 1987 he has taught negotiation at Harvard since 1981 A graduate of Harvard College and Harvard Law School Patton is co-author of the bestseller Getting to Yes Second Edition Penguin 1991 and can be reached at bpattoncom Sheila Heen is a Lecturer on Law at Harvard Law School and a part- ner at Triad Consulting Group a rm dedicated to assisting individu- als and organizations with their toughest conversations Heen coaches executives facing difcult choices labor-management teams locked in conict family businesses facing succession issues and communi- ties divided by racial strife Her clients range from Fidelity Invest- ments to the Singapore Supreme Court from the US Air Force to the Carlson Family from Greek and Turkish Cypriots to The Citadel Military College of South Carolina At Harvard Heen teaches nego- tiation to students and professionals and writes regularly on the sub- ject of communication and conict management She lives in Cambridge Massachusetts with her husband and her son and can be reached at heencom DOUGLAS STONE BRUCE PATTON SHEILA HEEN Difcult Conversations H o w t o D i s c u s s W h a t M a t t e r s M o s t PENGUIN BOOKS penguin books Published by the Penguin Group Penguin Putnam Inc 375 Hudson Street New York New York 10014 com Penguin Books Ltd 27 Wrights Lane London W8 5TZ England Penguin Books Australia Ltd Ringwood Victoria Australia Penguin Books Canada Ltd 10 Alcorn Avenue Toronto Ontario Canada M4V 3B2 Penguin Books NZ Ltd 182–190 Wairau Road Auckland 10 New Zealand Penguin Books Ltd Registered Offices Harmondsworth Middlesex England First published in the United States of America by Viking Penguin a member of Penguin Putnam Inc 1999 Published in Penguin Books 2000 Electronic edition published October 2003 Copyright Douglas Stone Bruce M Patton and Sheila Heen 1999 Foreword copyright Roger Fisher 1999 All rights reserved authors note Research at Harvard University is undertaken with the expectation of publication In such publication the authors alone are responsible for statements of fact opinions recommendations and conclusions expressed Publication in no way implies approval or endorsement by Harvard University any of its faculties or by the President and Fellows of Harvard College the library of congress has cataloged the hardcover edition as follows Stone Douglas Difficult conversations how to discuss what matters most Douglas Stone Bruce Patton Sheila Heen p cm ISBN 0-670-88339-5 hc ISBN 0 14 028852 X pbk ISBN 0 7865 1102 8 MSReader ISBN 0 7865 1103 6 Adobe Reader 1 Interpersonal communication 2 Interpersonal communicationCase studies I Patton Bruce II Heen Sheila III Title BF637C45S78 1999 1582dc21 98–33346 Set in Electra Designed by Francesca Belanger Making or distributing electronic copies of this book constitutes copyright infringement and could subject the infringer to criminal and civil liability To our families with love and gratitude and to our friend and mentor Roger Fisher for his vision and commitment Foreword The Harvard Negotiation Project is best known for a book on nego- tiation and problem-solving called Getting to YES that has sold more than three million copies Since its publication in 1981 readers all over the world have been persuaded that negotiators are more effec- tive when they move away from adversarial posturing and instead work jointly to satisfy the interests of both sides The Harvard Method as it is sometimes called emphasizes the importance of easy two-way communication Yet in both negotiations and daily life for good reasons or bad we often dont talk to each other and dont want to And sometimes when we do talk things only get worse Feelings anger guilt hurt escalate We become more and more sure that we are right and so do those with whom we disagree This is the realm of Difcult Conversations and why it is such a powerful and urgently needed book It explores what it is that makes conversations difcult why we avoid them and why we often handle them badly Although the inquiry grew initially from a desire to help negotiators the subject has far deeper implications Difcult Conver- sations addresses a critical aspect of human interaction It applies to how we deal with children parents landlords tenants suppliers customers bankers brokers neighbors team members patients em- ployees and colleagues of any kind In this book my colleagues Doug Bruce and Sheila take us by the hand and show us how to open the door to greater fulllment in any relationship They provide the stance of mind and heart and viii For eword the skills of expression needed to achieve effective communication across the gulf of real differences in experiences beliefs and feelings whether in personal relations business dealings or international affairs These are the skills needed to take a serious disagreement within a business organization and transform it from a drag on competitive- ness into an engine for innovation These are the skills we all can use to make a marriage more enjoyable and durable and to make rela- tions between parents and teenagers something far better than a war zone These skills can heal the wounds that keep so many of us apart They offer each of us a better future Returning from several years in the US Army Air Force during World War II I discovered that my roommate two of my closest friends and dozens of classmates had been killed in that war Ever since I have worked to improve the skills with which we deal with our differences to improve the prospects for our childrens future and to enlist others in that cause This brilliant and compelling book by my younger colleagues at the Harvard Negotiation Project leaves me feeling optimistic that progress is being made on all three counts Roger Fisher Cambridge Massachusetts Acknowledgments This book draws from many wells The stories and conversations we share throughout the book come from our own lives and from our work with a diverse group of students colleagues and clients For variety and to protect conden- tiality many of these stories are amalgams of different peoples expe- riences that shared common and important dynamics and as a rule all identifying facts have been changed We are deeply grateful to those weve worked with for sharing with us so generously the con- versations with which they were struggling It is from their openness and their courage to try something new that we have learned the most In addition to our own research and reection this work incor- porates and builds on ideas from many other disciplines Our train- ing was originally in negotiation mediation and law but this book draws at least as much from the elds of organizational behavior cog- nitive client-centered and family therapies social psychology com- munication theory and the growing body of work around the idea of dialogue This work began in a teaching collaboration with faculty from the Family Institute of Cambridge who have contributed to it in countless ways Dr Richard Chasin and Dr Richard Lee worked with Bruce Patton and Roger Fisher to develop what we call the In- terpersonal Skills Exercise itself inspired by a demonstration offered by psychodrama specialists Dr Carl and Sharon Hollander in which participants are coached on their toughest conversations This exercise has been at the heart of Harvard Law Schools Negotiation x Acknowledgments Workshop and of our learning for more than a decade In teaching this exercise with us Dick Rick Sallyann Roth Jody Scheier and their associates from the Family Institute have taught us about family dynamics inuence common reasons people get stuck and how to care for people in pain We are also grateful to Chris Argyris and to the partners of Action Design Diana McLain Smith Bob Putnam and Phil McArthur Their insights into the dilemmas of organizational life and inter- personal structures have proven invaluable to our understanding of conversations how they go awry and how to put them back on course A great many concepts in this book including joint contribu- tion impact versus intent and interpersonal intersections are de- rived from their work They are also the source of the two-column tool the ladder and footprint metaphors and methods of mapping The two rules for expressing feelings come from Bob Putnam Our understanding of how to tell your story and get off to a good start re- ects the work of Don Schn and Diana Smith on framing and input from John Richardson on roles Diana and our colleagues at Vantage Partners have offered many useful illustrations of how these ideas explain and help with the challenges of organizational life From the eld of cognitive therapy we have beneted from the research and writings of Aaron Beck and David Burns We are par- ticularly indebted to them for their research on how cognitive distor- tions affect our self-image and emotions David Kantor a founder of family therapy and of the Family Institute has helped us in under- standing the landscape of what we call the Identity Conversation and how it plays out in group dynamics Insights from social psychology and communication theory are too pervasive to cite It is perhaps a testament to the power of these insights that many of them are no longer the province of specialists However we owe a great debt to the late Jeff Rubin for bringing many ideas to our attention as well as for his unceasing support and encour- agement Our work on listening and the power of authenticity was in- uenced by Carl Rogers Sheila Reindl and Suzanne Repetto John Grinder gave us the concept of three viewpoints or positions that Acknowledgments xi correspond to your perspective the other persons perspective and an observers perspective In the eld of dialogue we owe a debt of gratitude to Laura Chasin and her collaborators at the Public Conversations Project to our friends at Conict Management Group and to Erica Fox From them we have learned about the transformative power of telling ones story and speaking to the heart of the matter a subject on which Bill Isaacs Louise Diamond Richard Moon and others are also doing important work For providing early encouragement and opportunities to teach what we were learning we wish to thank Roger Fisher Bob Mnookin Frank Sander and David Herwitz of Harvard Law School Rob Ricigliano Joe Stanford and Don Thompson of Conict Manage- ment Group Eric Kornhauser of Conict Management Australasia Shirley Knight of CIBC Bank in Canada Archie Epps Harvard Col- lege Dean of Students Colonels Denny Carpenter and Joe Trez of The Citadel in South Carolina and Gary Jusela and Nancy Ann Stebbins of the Boeing Company and Carolyn Gellerman who in- troduced us Deborah Kolb of the Program on Negotiation and our colleagues at Conict Management Inc Our friend and associate Stephen Smith helped us develop our work with family businesses and foundations and introduced us to our agent Esther Newberg who along with her team at ICM has been terric We are grateful for their condence in us and their support over the years We are also blessed with a talented and caring group of friends and co-workers who put aside their busy schedules to read drafts make suggestions and cheer us on along the way Roger Fisher Erica Fox Michael Moftt Scott Peppet John Richardson Rob Ricigliano and Diana Smith have lived with us and the work for perhaps longer than they would have chosen By critiquing rewriting or outlining al- ternative sections or whole chapters each has had a signicant and lasting impact on the product For stories feedback and support we are grateful to Denis Achacoso Lisle Baker Bob Bordone Bill Bres- lin Scott Brown Stevenson Carlbach Toni Chayes Diana Chigas Amy Edmondson and George Daley Elizabeth England Danny Er- tel Keith Fitzgerald Ron Fortgang Brian Ganson Lori Goldenthal xii Acknowledgments Mark Gordon Sherlock Graham-Haynes Eric Hall Terry Hill Ed Hillis Ted Johnson Helen Kim Stu Kliman Linda Kluz Diane Koskinas Jim Lawrence Susan McCafferty Charlotte McCormick Patrick McWhinney Jamie Moftt Linda Netsch Monica Parker Robert and Susan Richardson Don Rubenstein and Sylvie Carr Carol Rubin Jeff Seul Drew Tulumello Robin Weatherill Jeff Weiss Jim Young Louisa Hackett and many others Our families have spent years wondering if any such book as this would ever actually come to be They have read and critiqued drafts offered unconditional and greatly appreciated advice and moral sup- port and politely gone along with our versions of family stories for which we love them all the more and are deeply grateful Robbie and David Blackett Jack and Joyce Heen Jill and Jason Grennan Stacy Heen Bill and Carol Patton Bryan Patton and Devra Sisitsky John and Benjamin Richardson Diana Smith Don and Anne Stone Julie Stone and Dennis Doherty and Randy Stone We could not have asked for a better editor and team at Viking Penguin Our editor Jane von Mehren is not only intelligent and in- sightful but also fun and easy to work with Jane Susan Petersen Barbara Grossman Ivan Held Alisa Wyatt and the team saw immedi- ately what we were working toward and we very much appreciate their commitment to put it in the hands of as many people as possible Our line editor Beena Kamlani and copy editor Janet Renard had the courage to take on the three of us and the manuscript is the better for it even if we have insisted on using the plural they them etc to refer to indenite singular antecedents as a way to maintain gender neutrality As this usage has recently grown more common in speech younger readers may think it quite natural However we apologize in advance to those who nd it unusual or jarring Finally Maggie Payette and Francesca Belanger our designers have done a great job of making the cover and text distinctive accessible and beautiful As usual the good things about this book owe a great deal to others while errors and omissions are solely our responsibility Doug Bruce Sheila Cambridge Massachusetts Contents Foreword by Roger Fisher vii Acknowledgments ix Introduction xv The Problem 1 1 Sort Out the Three Conversations 3 Shift to a Learning Stance 21 The What Happened Conversation 23 2 Stop Arguing About Whos Right Explore Each Others Stories 25 3 Dont Assume They Meant It Disentangle Intent from Impact 44 4 Abandon Blame Map the Contribution System 58 The Feelings Conversation 83 5 Have Your Feelings Or They Will Have You 85 The Identity Conversation 109 6 Ground Your Identity Ask Yourself Whats at Stake 111 xiv Contents Create a Learning Conversation 129 7 Whats Your Purpose When to Raise It and When to Let Go 131 8 Getting Started Begin from the Third Story 147 9 Learning Listen from the Inside Out 163 10 Expression Speak for Yourself with Clarity and Power 185 11 Problem-Solving Take the Lead 201 12 Putting It All Together 217 A Road Map to Difficult Conversations 235 A Note on Some Relevant Organizations 249 Introduction Asking for a raise Ending a relationship Giving a critical perfor- mance review Saying no to someone in need Confronting disre- spectful or hurtful behavior Disagreeing with the majority in a group Apologizing At work at home and across the backyard fence difcult conver- sations are attempted or avoided every day A Difficult Conversation Is Anything You Find It Hard to Talk About Sexuality race gender politics and religion come quickly to mind as difcult topics to discuss and for many of us they are But discom- fort and awkwardness are not limited to topics on the editorial page Anytime we feel vulnerable or our self-esteem is implicated when the issues at stake are important and the outcome uncertain when we care deeply about what is being discussed or about the people with whom we are discussing it there is potential for us to experience the conversation as difcult We all have conversations that we dread and nd unpleasant that we avoid or face up to like bad medicine One of the senior engineers at your company an old friend has become a liability Management has picked you to re him xvi Introduction You overheard your mother-in-law telling a neighbor that your sons are spoiled and undisciplined As you prepare to spend the holidays at her house youre not sure the two of you can get through the week without a confrontation The project you are working on took twice as long as you told the client it would You cant afford not to bill for the extra time but you dread informing the client You want to tell your father how much you love him but fear that the intimacy might make both of you feel awkward You recently learned that several black colleagues on the police force refer to you as an Uncle Tom Youre infuriated but you arent sure whether talking about it would accomplish anything And of course theres the stuff of everyday life conversations that feel more ordinary but cause anxiety nonetheless returning mer- chandise without a receipt asking your secretary to do some photo- copying telling the painters not to smoke in the house These are the interactions we put off when we can and stumble through when we must The ones we practice over and over in our head trying to g- ure out in advance what to say and wondering afterward what we should have said What makes these situations so hard to face Its our fear of the consequences whether we raise the issue or try to avoid it The Dilemma Avoid or Confront It Seems There Is No Good Path We all know this dilemma We go round and round on the same questions Should I raise this Or should I keep it to myself Perhaps the neighbors dog keeps you up at night Should I talk to them you wonder At rst you decide not to Maybe the bark- Introduction xvii ing will stop Maybe Ill get used to it But then the dog barks again and you resolve that tomorrow you are going to talk to the neighbors once and for all Now you lie awake for a different reason The thought of getting into a ght with the neighbors about their dog makes you nervous You want the neighbors to like you maybe youre overreacting Even- tually you come back to thinking its better to say nothing and this calms your nerves But just as you drop off to sleep that darn dog howls again and your cycle of indecision starts anew There doesnt seem to be any choice that will allow you to sleep Why is it so difcult to decide whether to avoid or to confront Because at some level we know the truth If we try to avoid the prob- lem well feel taken advantage of our feelings will fester well won- der why we dont stick up for ourselves and well rob the other person of the opportunity to improve things But if we confront the problem things might get even worse We may be rejected or at- tacked we might hurt the other person in ways we didnt intend and the relationship might suffer There Is No Such Thing as a Diplomatic Hand Grenade Desperate for a way out of the dilemma we wonder if it is possible to be so tactful so overwhelmingly pleasant that everything ends up ne Tact is good but its not the answer to difcult conversations Tact wont make conversations with your father more intimate or take away your clients anger over the increased bill Nor is there a simple diplomatic way to re your friend to let your mother-in-law know that she drives you crazy or to confront your colleagues hurt- ful prejudices Delivering a difcult message is like throwing a hand grenade Coated with sugar thrown hard or soft a hand grenade is still going to do damage Try as you may theres no way to throw a hand xviii Introduction grenade with tact or to outrun the consequences And keeping it to yourself is no better Choosing not to deliver a difcult message is like hanging on to a hand grenade once youve pulled the pin So we feel stuck We need advice that is more powerful than Be diplomatic or Try to stay positive The problems run deeper than that so must the answers This Book Can Help There is hope Working at the Harvard Negotiation Project with thousands of people on all kinds of difcult conversations we have found a way to make these conversations less stressful and more pro- ductive A way to deal creatively with tough problems while treating people with decency and integrity An approach that is helpful to your peace of mind whether or not others join in We are going to help you get out of the hand grenade business al- together by getting you out of the business of delivering and receiv- ing messages We will show you how to turn the damaging battle of warring messages into the more constructive approach we call a learning conversation The Rewards Are Worth the Effort Of course changing how you deal with difcult conversations takes work Like changing your golf swing adapting to drive on the other side of the road or learning a new language the change can feel awkward at rst And it can feel threatening breaking out of your comfort zone is rarely easy and is never risk-free It requires you to look hard at yourself and sometimes to change and grow But better the ache of muscles growing from an unaccustomed workout than the sting of wounds from an unnecessary ght And the potential rewards are rich If you follow the steps pre- sented in this book you will nd difcult conversations becoming easier and causing less anxiety You will be more effective and hap- Introduction xix pier with the results And as your anxiety goes down and your satisfac- tion goes up you will nd that you are choosing to engage more often in conversations that you should have been having all along In fact the people weve worked with who have learned new ap- proaches to dealing with their most challenging conversations report less anxiety and greater effectiveness in all of their conversations They nd they are less afraid of what others might say They have a heightened sense of freedom of action in tough situations more self- condence and a stronger sense of integrity and self-respect They also learn that more often than not dealing constructively with tough topics and awkward situations strengthens a relationship And thats an opportunity too good to pass up Skeptical A Few Thoughts If youre skeptical thats understandable You may have been strug- gling with these issues for weeks months or years The problems are complex and the people involved are not easy to deal with How can reading a book make a difference There are limits to how much you can learn about human inter-