大学综合英语第二册 基础英语 2 何兆熊 课文 14

THEWEDDINGSTORYbyJulianneHomokayCHARACTERSSTORYTELLER,astoryteller.Asoothingpresence.Maleorfemale,doesn'tmatter,aslongashugsareinspired.BRIDE,the"perfect"bride.GROOM,the"perfect"groom.SCENEAlandwheregrassisalwaysgreen,thesunisalwaysshining,andfencesarealwayswhitepicket.TIMEAsunnydayinsunnyJune,theheightoftheperfectweddingseason.InVermont.[LightsupontheSTORYTELLERreadingfromaleather-boundvolumewithgildedpages.]STORYTELLER:(closingthevolume)TheEnd.Goodnight,sleeptight,don’tletthebedbugsbite.What?Youwanttohearanotherone?Butit’saschoolnight.Okay,okay,justthisonce.I’msuchapushover.Whattypeofstoryshallwehear?(adlib.iftheaudienceyellsoutsuggestions)Howaboutafairytaleforourtimes?Afieldofdreamsfencedinbywhitepicket,astoryoftheyoungmanandwomanweallhopetobesomeday?Toobad,that’swhatyou’regetting.(TheSTORYTELLERopensthevolumebackup.LightsuponBRIDEandGROOMintraditionalgarbstandingontopofaweddingcake.)Onceuponatimetherewasayoungwoman,prettyasadayinJune.(TheBRIDEdoestheroyalwave.)Ayoungmanstoodbyherside,smartasawhipandhandsomeasapolohorse.(TheGROOMsalutes.)TheymetinhighschoolandfellinloveonamerrydayinMay.(TheBRIDEandGROOMwhispertoeachother.)Beforelong,theyoungmandroppedtohisknee,pulledadiamondfromhispocket,andwontheyoungwoman’shandinmarriage.BRIDE:Uh,excuseus,Mr.Storyteller?(TheSTORYTELLERlooksbackatthem,confused.TheBRIDEandGROOMsmileandwave.TheSTORYTELLERwavesback.)STORYTELLER:Movingrightalong.Withtheblessingsoftheircompatible—BRIDE:Mr.Storyteller!STORYTELLER:Excusemeamoment.(toBRIDE)Yes,whatisit?BRIDE:Wedidn’texactlymeetinhighschool.STORYTELLER:Yesyoudid,itsayssorighthere.BRIDE:Wemetinabar.GROOM:Andwedatedonandoffforfiveyearswhilesheexperimentedwithforeigners.STORYTELLER:Hownice.Well.Forourpurposes,let’ssayyoumetinhighschool,shallwe?(backtothekids)So.Withtheblessingsoftheircompatiblefamilies,theyoungmanandwomanweretobeBrideandGroom.BRIDE:(toGROOM)Waitaminute.AsIrecall,youkeptbreakingitoff.GROOM:What?BRIDE:Yeah.Thenyou’dwantmebacktheminuteIhadanewboyfriend.GROOM:Youcertainlydidn’twasteanytimerunningintothearmsofthefirstguywhohadanaccent.STORYTELLER:(toBRIDEandGROOM)Sssssh.Let’sdon’targueinfrontoftheimpressionableyoungsters.(tochildren)Thebridesoonsetinontheweddingpreparations.BRIDE:(toGROOM)Ineverrealizedyouwerearacist.GROOM:I’mnot,Iwasfinewiththefactyou’dsleptwithblackmen.BRIDE:You’reassumingthat“racism”automaticallyreferstoAfrican-Americans.Isn’tthataformofracismitself?STORYTELLER:Excuseme,ma’am,sir,firmiethosebouchessoIcanreturntothestorythankyou.GROOM:Byallmeans.Don’tletanythingsillylikeourissuesgetinyourway.STORYTELLER:Look,willyouplayalong?Thechildrenwillhaveampleopportunitytobedisillusionedlater,let’sjusthaveanicebedtimestory,okay?Okay.(tothechildren)ASIWASSAYING,thepreparations.Theyweretobemarriedinabeautifulchurch—GROOM:(underhisbreath)Drive-thruchapelinVegas.STORYTELLER:--followedbyanelegantreceptionatanoldinninVermont.BRIDE:(underherbreath)BackroomattheStarDustLounge.STORYTELLER:ThebrideputMarthaStewarttoshameasshehadtheeveningdesignedtothelastdetail—GROOM:(toBRIDE)Ha!Thatreallysoundslikeyou.STORYTELLER:--fromthelinennapkinstothecenterpiecesofpurplefreesiaandItalianruscus.BRIDE:(toGROOM)Ithinkhewasinvitedtosomeoneelse’swedding.GROOM:Andwhyisheassumingthebridealwayshasthetaste?Doesitneveroccurtoanyonethatthegroommightwanttoparticipate?Iworkedmywaythroughlawschoolasafloraldesigner,that’showIknowfreesiaisallwrongforacenterpiece,exceptmaybeasanaccentflower.BRIDE:Youwereafloraldesigner?GROOM:Youneedtobaseyourarrangementonamoresubstantialbloom,likealilyoranorchid.BRIDE:Brad,istheresomethingyouwanttotellme?STORYTELLER:Actually,thereissomethingIwanttotelltheseyoungsterssotheycangettobedatadecenthour.THESTORY.BRIDE:Wellhuffyhuffhuff.STORYTELLER:SO,theyhadtheirflawlessreceptionfor300guestsataturn-of-the-centuryinninVermont—BRIDE:Youknow,we’renotfromVermont.We’veneverevenbeentoVermont.STORYTELLER:--atwhichallhadadelightfultime.GROOM:(toBRIDE)WhatdoyoumeanistheresomethingIwanttotellyou?STORYTELLER:Immediatelyfollowingthesplendidreception—BRIDE:Imean,istheresomethingyouhaven’tbeenhonestwithmeabout?Withyourselfabout?GROOM:Likewhat?STORYTELLER:Thebride,atthetenderageof24—(TheGROOMlaughsoutloud.)WHAT?WHAT’SSOFUNNY?GROOM:She’snotevencloseto24.STORYTELLER:Nowjustwaitaminutehere,BusterBrown,whosestoryisthis?BRIDE/GROOM:Ours.STORYTELLER:Wrong.Thisisafairytale,I’mgoingforprototypes.BRIDE:ButI’m35.STORYTELLER:Inthisstory,you’re24.TheaverageAmericanwomangetsmarriedat24.BRIDE:Howold’sthatmakehim?STORYTELLER:27.Why,howoldishereally?GROOM:I’mtheonethat’s24.STORYTELLER:Isn’tthatalittleyoungtobegettingmarried?BRIDE:Howcome24’sokayformebutnotforhim?STORYTELLER:You’rethewoman.You’resupposedtobeyounger.BRIDE:Jesus.STORYTELLER:Now,beforeIwasinterruptedfortheumpteenthtime,boysandgirls,Iwassayingthatafterthereception,the24-year-oldbridewaswhiskedawayinahorse-drawncarriagebyher27-year-oldPrinceCharming.BRIDE:Whiskedawaywhere?STORYTELLER:Idon’tknow.To...the...airport.BRIDE:Whichone?STORYTELLER:TheAirportof...Vermont.BRIDE:There’soneinBurlingtonandoneinMontpelier.GROOM:Howdidyouknowthat?BRIDE:Imajoredingeography.GROOM:Youdid?BRIDE:(toSTORYTELLER)SoMr.FancyPants,whichonewasit?STORYTELLER:TheonewhereyoucaughtyourflighttoHawaiiforyourhoneymoon.BRIDE:Thiswholefairytaleiscompletelyoutofhand.Anyoneknowsthere’snoflightsfromVermonttoHawaii.YouhavetoflythroughLoganorLAX.Orboth.Andanyway,Ihighlydoubtthey’dletthehorsesintheterminal.STORYTELLER:Oh,forGod’ssake,what’sthebigdealintellingthechildrenanicelittlestory?BRIDE:Noone’slifeturnsoutlikethat.Howmanyofthosekidswillliveuptoyourversionofthestory?None!Theycan’t,it’stoomuchpressure.It’slikewhyCatholicwomenareallmessedup,youcan’tbeavirginANDbeamother.AndBrad,Iprobablyshouldn’thavemarriedyoutobeginwith.GROOM:Shayna,howcanyousaythat?BRIDE:You’reprobablygay.GROOM:What?BRIDE:Ohc’mon,howmanystraightmalefloraldesignersdoyouknow?GROOM:That’swhatyouthoughtIneededtobehonestabout?BRIDE:Youdidn’tevenknowImajoredinGeography!Listen,ifwe’retalkingaverageshere,mostpeopledon’tgetmarriedinVermont.Theygetmarriedintheirone-horsehometownsthathaveWalMartsandbadzoning.STORYTELLER:What’swrongwiththat?BRIDE:NOTHING.THAT’SMYPOINT.MOSTpeopledogetmarriedintheirhometowns.MOSTpeoplecheatontheirspousesorendupincounselingorselleverythingtheyowntogetintoalousynursinghome.Putthatinyourfairytaleandsmokeit.STORYTELLER:Noone’ssmokinganything.Therearechildrenpresent.BRIDE:AndGodforbidwetellthemwhatlifeisreallylike.GROOM:She’sgotapointthere.You’reopeningyourselfupformultipleclass-actionsuits,Mister.STORYTELLER:Fine.I’vehadit.Youwantthetruth,thewholetruth,andnothingbutthetruth,thewholeenchilada,theproverbialhook,line,andsinker?Wellfarbeitfrommetogivetheselittlesoulssomethingtowhichtoaspire.BRIDE/GROOM:Doit!Doit!(adlib.)STORYTELLER:I’mwarningyou,itwon’tbepretty.BRIDE/GROOM:Westandwarned.STORYTELLER:I’msuchapushover.(opensthevolumebackup)Onceuponatimeinatrailerparknotsofaraway,therelivedawomanapproachingmiddleagewhodrankalotofbourbon,smokedapackaday,hungoutinplaceswheretheythrowpeanutshellsonthefloor—BRIDE:Allrightalready.STORYTELLER:--andayoung,slightlyeffeminatemanwhotookituptheassoncefromafellowEagleScout,butsinceitonlyhappenedoncewhenhewas17anddrunkonKahlua,hestillconsideredhimselfstraight.GROOM:Heyheyhey.STORYTELLER:Thewomanandthemanmetinabaronenightwheretheygotdrunkandslepttogetherafterwardsatherplace.Sincethewomanfeltguiltyabouttheone-nightstand,shefeltsheneededtomakealegitimaterelationshipoutoftheencountertojustifythesex,eventhoughshereallyprefersblackmen.Tostaydeepinthedarkcloset,themanproposedtothewoman,andsinceshe’s35and,let’sfaceit,notgettinganyyounger,sheacceptedhispatheticofferbecauseitwasarealegoboosttohavesnaggedahotstudelevenyearsyoungerthanshe,evenifhedoeshavetheoccasionalproblemgettingastiffywithherbecausehe’sreallygay.AlthoughthemanofferedtoplantheentireweddingwithhisbestfriendSteve,thewomaninsistedtheyhireahorse-drawncarriagetodropthemoffattheAirportofVermont,fromwhichtheytooksixconnectingflightstoLasVegastogetmarriedbyanElvisimpersonator.Tocelebrate,theyshowedupattheStarDustLounge,atwhichtheyboughtallthebarpatronscheeseballsandBudweiser.WhentheyarrivedbackhomeinWeehawken,NewJersey,theGroom,unabletosuppresshisinnerselfforamomentlonger,tookupwithadragqueenfromSoHo,andtheBride,realizingshe’dneverbeamother,consoledherselfwithvodkaandXanaxanddiedofasomewhataccidentaloverdosethreeyearslater.TheGroom,now27,tookupwearingcowboyhatsandchaps,andmadetheunfortunatemistakeoftravelingtoWyomingonbusinesswherehewasdraggedtohisdeathbehinda4x4byabunchofhomophobicrednecks.Thedragqueenwroteashowaboutthethreeoftheminwhichheplayedalltheparts,wonaGeniusGrant,andlandedhisowntalkshowonNewYorkCitycableaccess.(shutsbook,exits)Ibidyougoodnightandsweetdreams,children.TheEnd.BRIDE/GROOM:(adlib.,followingtheSTORYTELLERoff)Uh,Mr.Storyteller,wait,it’sokay,youcantelltheotherversion,etc.(lightsdown.)