【精品】油麻地28

【精品】油麻地28 Project B 50516774 “油麻地” 聰明地運用了 “show-not-tell”原則和孩童的目光看周圍發生的事物,原本平常不 過的事情也變得趣味盎然,一些孩童沒意義的舉動(用食指塞洞),使文章更傳 神。文章篇幅較短,仍有可發展的空間。(Phoebe) I’d love to see more connection between the three sections. Why three only and not more? Concise and special. It’s a magical Yaumatei shown through the eyes of a child. What to improve? The child’s participation can be more active. Perceptual details can be extended more to size, proportion, shapes, lines and sound. The more concrete the physical details, the powerful the piece would be. Yes, the kid may not be able to recognize too many Chinese characters. But you can play with his recognition. Adults’ activities can be give more dramatic emphasis as well. Great attempt. A lot more can be done to make it even stronger. (Linda) 50547683 “女人街” 有效的做到女人街人多事多、看不盡聽不完、應接不暇的情景,皆因細節充 足,段接段的換景換書寫物件構成明顯的前進感。 人物的行為活動其實很不易寫,而你算是寫得整潔有條理,不拖泥帶水。似乎 你也相當刻意地把零散的事件之間構築某種因果的聯繫,其實並不必然需要如 此。問題就是?如何在寫法上做到東一片西一片、翻開、獨立不相關、又重疊 共存的效果。物質相對活動來說,你是偏重了後者。 從描述對綜合申說的比例看,則後者份量頗高,共占了四段, 差不多跟描述的 部分一樣的比重。或許描述的部分可以多一點,那讀者就能不用你說也自然的 想到你要下的結論。 [Linda] 50555150 “呼嗚呼嗚白光管” Strong introduction. Motivation made clear from the very beginning. Good attempt to bring in all kinds of details. However, moving on to p. 2, 3 and afterwards, the descriptive exercise seems to be conducted for the sake of the act itself. :像為描述而描述,未能扣緊你的前提。: 當然在文學實驗的歷史中,也有某種挑戰寫實主義的方法單以敘物和物的變化 為小說內容。如果真的要做到,就要特別刻意的抓住物理上的特質或表層的感 官上的變動,或許人的出現就變得異樣與不尋常。 文章題目所意味的似乎跟文章的寫法有點距離。 I appreciate the multiple view you’ve attempted about the space. The division of sections highlight the emphasis on the various senses. In terms of overall tone, you want to be less uncertain: right now, the writing style and method is fluctuating between narrating, describing and magical vision. As said, the “white” florescent lights and the “woo-foo-woo-foo” sound-scape should be more integrated to communicate the sense of lonesomeness of the alley. [Linda] 50556262 “新世紀廣場” 文章描述了新世紀廣場的繁榮, 人多旅客多, 新市鎮來的孩子有點難以適應, 人們 對貧富懸殊的不滿等。文章有許多伏線, 好像還未有充分發展, 例如 故事 滥竽充数故事班主任管理故事5分钟二年级语文看图讲故事传统美德小故事50字120个国学经典故事ppt 為何發 生在1000年前? 新世紀廣場除了人多,其實是一個怎樣的地方? 人物的名稱是約 翰、瑪莉, 看的是格林童話, 吃的是西餅, 又有總督, 好像在指向一個非現代、不 中不西的地方,是殖民地,但這樣的安排在文章中又有何意義?是一種文化特色? 或是文化不協調? 文中論及的政治批評比較一般,好像可以發生在任何一個地方, 可以再作發展。 文章用了一些特別的比喻,例如橙汁酸酸甜甜, 像玩旋轉木馬, 是不錯的嘗試,但 可以更準確一點說明為何喝橙汁像玩木馬,是形容攪動時的情形? 頗欣賞文章中的兒童式對話, 帶出小孩的天真和現實的無奈。(Phoebe) I want to know the exact year in which you write. Next question is: why is such distance in time crucial in our understanding of the place? What do we gain from it? How did you (the writer) benefit from that distance in time? The writing method here is standard way to approach a story, with people as the main action-makers. You have also taken a character-oriented approach. All is this is fine for story-writing. However, for the same reasons you’ve missed the chance of dwelling on the material surface of the place and thus the employment of details to refresh your readers’ impression/experience of a familiar place – which is what Project B is about. You are welcome to re-submit ... (Linda) 50556495 “星期六,紅磡火車站,第五卡” Extensive description of certain moment in the train. Some of them are quite unique. The atmosphere is strange and lonely. People are non-human and mechanical. 你已捉 到一些感覺，如何令它深刻一些,文章較多無邊際、無目的的描述,或許需要 多一點組織,找一個獨特的視點,又或是你可以介入多一點,寫寫你的感受, 你如何和環境互動之類。(Phoebe) 50558833 “寄‘黑白镇’” A very thoughtful and productive narrative design: the chain letter format and the switch of living space allow you to take the POV of a stranger and to bring in a double viewpoint. The sense of estrangement comes out strongly for Kwun Tong. You are definitely good at inventing narrative space. Keep this as your strength. Perhaps also because your effort is so much onto the overall design, you haven’t really got to work out your experiment to discover the power of details and the many ways to use details. It doesn’t mean you have not used details. But perhaps the presentation of details can be more integrated with the viewing perspective. For example, you can further strengthening the presentation of details via the various activities of the letter writers: is s/he watching from afar from a window on a high floor? Is s/he watching while walking on the street? Is s/he watching at night or in the evening? Good work. Much room to make it even better. (Linda) 50559461 “長發” 鏡頭由一個遠境慢慢聚焦,寫小販攤檔的盛况和轉變,文章組織得相當流暢和 完整。既有現况的橫度和歷史的縱度,富層次感。可再努力的地方,相信是文 字的質素,如何把該地描繪得更細緻、生動和獨特,而不只是現實的鋪陳。 (Phoebe) Very heart-warming piece, which shows you feel really close to the play. 语调平淡，就像街坊街里细数家常。对一个从未到过长发的陌生人来说 有白描的作用。Since you actually grew up there, you want to show more of your unique perspective of the place, or even a contrast between how you looked at it as a child and how you see the place now. Lots of room for you to bring in stronger texture via comparison and contrast. You must have seen something that no one else notices and that’s why we want to learn about the place through you. (Linda) 50559701 “鄉?港” 文章流暢、情感細緻。選取的角度有相當潛力,現在點出了一些大圍的建築和 人的活動,由外藉人來看亦顯出了其獨特的地方。這個外藉人有不錯的觀察能 力,文縐縐,不大似苦力。文化差異亦是一個可發展的方向。文章在地方描寫 上可寫得再細緻一點。(Phoebe) A stranger’s POV may help to generate new discoveries. But the piece bends more towards history and a particular mode of living, therefore missing the key task of this assignment which is to exercise the power of details. A fine piece of writing nonetheless, carefully planned and executed, and I appreciate your concern for the marginal group. (Linda) 50560195 “離開 ? 是為了回來” Congratulations for the successful practice of the “show-not-tell” principle. Personal and insightful…managed to open up new meanings and audio-visual experiences of the place Tai Hang. There’s also an obvious attempt to maximize your descriptive activity via the five senses. “久別重逢”的抽象感覺,透過具體的細節的鋪排、有空間導向的描述,都變 得很立體,令讀者可以跟著你走,隨走隨聽,進入你的個人回憶的世界。 不少地方可以更具體,進一步強化質感。:見原文的標注: 組織方面,可以較刻意的以童年時候的感官記憶和當下的所見所聞的對比與融 和契合作為骨幹,又或物質與人物、活動的互相參雜,或類似的骨幹,去強化 細節的編排與分佈。換句話說,兩個時空的分割與流動可以更進一步的化為結 構、風格。而現時文中你主要以直書 -- 如“和十三年前一模一樣”等 – 作 交代,也就是說把兩層時空還原為單一:即現在:的視點。 A very genuine attempt to revisit your childhood. A heartwarming piece. [Linda] 50560564 “灣仔的軒尼詩道” 文章記錄了一些語言和對話, 生動地描繪了該地的一些文化特色, 當中夾雜著個 人的反思, 自己如何隨環境改變, 增加了文章的趣味性和層次感, 描繪巴士長龍的 一段相當傳神, 描述行人和自己的關係那部分則比較鬆散, 裏面一些想多認識周 遭的人但又不宜深究的矛盾心情有潛力再發展。可以想想, 地上的階磚和小孩的 繪畫那段如何扣緊全篇。灣仔的平民化生活和別的地方的平民化生活又有何不 同,你擁有敏銳的觸覺, 可再多鍛鍊組織能力。(Phoebe) 一件小事，能否足够的说明一个地方,也许，就视乎那一件小事是否有代表 性，也视乎那件小事是否包揽不同的该地方的生活面和物质的操作。 也很想知道，为什麽有需要写这麽的一件小事,想强调的是甚麽的感情, 整体来说，行文算简洁有条理，在布局上则要多下功夫。(Linda) 50561653 “平面都市” > You’ve picked some very unique angles to portray the place in question. Flatness, fragments, collection of elliptical speeches, and the reduction of objects to graphic surfaces are highly innovative attempts to make a familiar place unfamiliar – and therefore re-open the conclusions of a place that everyone knows. I need to congratulate you on rather successfully taking up this rather difficult task. For you have managed to sustain your descriptive task and survive the difficulty of staying on the minute details. You’ve also proved your ability to see things different, thus creating a strong sense of strangeness in the readers’ mind. Strong vocalization. > However, as I emphasized in class, this is not meant to be a guessing game for your instructors. You did not specify the place you’re writing about: it therefore works against the purpose of helping your readers to refresh their impression of a place they find too familiar to think about. Without knowing the place, we are like just studying the surface of anything. > More precise details and more rigorous editing would help in the final project. (Linda) 50564907 “城 … 成了” 文章相當活潑和富想像力,天馬行空,但又似乎太遠了,不見你對現實的描繪 能力,未能達到功課的要求。我相當欢賞你的文章,裡面有不少精采的比喻, 可保留,但需要加寫或重寫來顯示你對現實描繪的實力。(Phoebe) 50567750 “被遗弃的皇后” 有文化历史的视野。写的方面也很用心，不算精雕也算细琢。 Section One is a nice attempt to depict the gradual process of aging. Perhaps the minute and fine changes in physical qualities of matters can be more accurate and more carefully integrated with the connotations of aging. Right now, the figurative use of language is still a bit too much on top of everything. Think of how to write the process in such a way that it is shown through the effects of weathering (erosion)… Mobilize your knowledge in geography, physics and chemistry… Having said this, I don’t mean at all to discourage you to explore the process method. Quite the opposite: you’ve done an amazing job and I do want to see you do it even better. We can talk more on this. Section Two is a nice little portrait of some anonymous human relationship that can only be observed but not understood. You have cleverly made use of the power of “the observer with limited knowledge.” Congratulations… I also like the nice blend of the subjective (your feelings for the place) and the objective (the observable). A better integration of the two sections can be achieved by providing a structural framework that holds the two together. I almost felt like there should be a third section to make the structure complete. Perhaps the last page should only be treated as notes because you really don’t need to tell your readers what to think if the main text itself is strong enough. I think I got the point already via Sections I & II. So the last page is surplus, or – as I said – should better be treated as footnotes only. (Linda) 50570545 “I go there everyday, one day I saw your face.” 多重聲音、人的活動、奇特的氣味、紛陳的環境、加上不同時間的描寫使街市 顯得很立體。用輪椅貫穿文章,它猶如陳伯的一個朋友,時而旁觀、時而打聽 他的變化和故事,使文章顯得有趣味性和完整。在文章中,輪椅的特性並不顯 著。(Phoebe) You want 简洁而有层次。I like the title of your piece -- catchy, descriptive and personal. Simple, clear, step-by-step… very effective. Analogies are humble yet very accurate and communicative. You want to think more about how to maximize the imaginary perception of a wheel-chair. No one knows how a wheel-chair thinks and feels… So here lies tremendous freedom for you to invent. Along this line, I think you could have been much more courageous. You want to imagine how a wheel-chair – based on its usage and its to create a totally new physical material make-up, its features of mobility etc. – grammar of a wheel-chair’s participation in the human world. For example, you can argue that wheel chairs are more sensitive to speed, or to colors (which you seem to suggest), or to body warmth etc. etc. … plenty of possibilities. Here and there, I see problems such as a line or two about the wheel chair’s value judgment of the world which is actually your own. No matter what, I definitely support and appreciate your attempt. Work on it further… Lastly, you want to think of whether the wheelchair or Uncle Chan is the main I suppose the latter is. So, the question becomes: how does a wheelchair’s character – perspective lend us insight for Uncle Chan? How unique is it? Would Uncle Chan’s wrist-watch also do the same? A far more lively portrait of Uncle Chan than the place. (Linda) 50571660 “百慕達三角” 文章以百慕達三角比喻銅鑼灣,難度頗高,有觸覺,部分地方有精采的比喻, 和社會批評。既寫航程、旅程、遊客、潮流、名牌、盲從、地理、傳聞,要照 顧的東西太多,感覺到作者的吃力,所說的地方既不夠 “百慕達”又不大 “銅 鑼灣”,不大是歷險,又不大是逛街。文章寫得不錯,要改進,或許要先狠下 心,決定兩地誰主誰客,孰輕孰重,那樣或許可以寫得順暢一點。(Phoebe) Engaging opening. Full of interesting thick details. It seems to me your focus is not so much on objects or activities but more on the overall effect of space and the sense of disorientation for those moving around, and you’ve done a great done in that respect. Your portrayal of Causeway via the Bermuda Triangle definitely opens up with perception of the place for me and thank! Here and there, you could have given a few more hints on details that give us stronger ties to the place represented – Causeway Bay. Overall effect is strong, but hard to realize it’s Causeway Bay without your disclosing it in the endnotes. Ambitious work. (Linda) 50572330 “藍田” 你似帶讀者遊了藍田一圈, 漫無目的地邊看邊寫,由地鐵站出發,走走停停, 看著尋 常不過, 鉅細無遺的風景, 看似客觀,又淡淡滲入主觀的期望,如作者對報紙檔老 板娘的興趣, 在山頂的個人回憶與將來的期望等,間中也談及一些地方歷史。 我頗喜歡篇中淡淡的、平常不過、不乏趣味的描寫, 全篇沒有故事, 沒有高潮 , 只有一些碎片, 一些可以多發展的碎片, 彷彿可以繼續無休止的寫下去, 段落與段 落的連繫頗薄弱, 或許可以安排文章的一些原素或人重覆但有變化的再出現來加 強段落間的聯繫。篇中談及城市發展變遷部分,仍有發展的空間。 (Phoebe) A pleasant, broad and balanced overview of Lam Tin. It provides me with a typographical profile and I learn the geography. Need to exercise a better sense of judgment for what details are more important and require you to spend more time than others. Many of the details are a bit general. The key question is: how is Lam Tin different from other districts in Hong Kong? It seems the fact of Lam Tin being a hill, with a foot-hill and a small portion of sky are more unique. But you’ve let them go too easily. “Show-not-tell” principle not solid enough. For example, “不断不断的改变” should be shown, not just stated. Again, it’s about your sense of judgment, the ability to distinguish the essentials from the non-essentials and the sensitivity to which part(s) of your description carries more potential and should be given emphasis. Learn to visualize your details. (Linda) 50572606 “活在陌生和熟悉的角度” 你選擇的視點相當有趣,所描述的環境和人們活動的變化亦相當細緻,文章寫 得相當用心,裡面描述的反反覆覆的心情亦提供了想像的空間。或許多做一些 資料搜集,看鐘樓的歷史,本在火車站,現在成為地標的轉變,可以令文章的 思想豐富一些,不只是一些年老的感慨。(Phoebe) 细致的感触，写的编排也相当用心。最好可以把间中还出现的少许陈腔滥调 – 如:“夕阳无限好，只是近黄昏”、“景色优美”、“醉人夜景”等-- 删掉更 好。这些问题课上都提出多次，此处不再骜述。不少的场面– 如:“特别人 多”、“海面上还是繁忙依旧”等 – 都因为缺乏小节而模糊不清，必须大大 改进。Nonetheless, I still find your collage approach a strong decision and that has given your place a lot of life. (Linda) 50572759 “重組 ? 人言禾口” (Sino Centre) > A good attempt to capture the micro-movements of image and sound inside the Sino Centre. > In terms of an overall portrait of a place, the various sections demonstrate your attentiveness to what’s going on and your fine analysis of the emotive qualities as well as physical movements of the place. Strong lateral thinking provides sufficient support to the entire work: you’ve managed to take many productive angles, from the first personal detached observer to the subjective “I,” from sight and sound to actions, from a local person’s point of view to a foreigner’s, from more lyrical, descriptive approach to commentary to fantasy… > Episodic structure is fine. But you want to have a stronger focus as well, even if the episodes can be read in any sequential order. It seems to me that the closing down rdthof the 3 and 4 floor is a repeated subject matter. The task awaiting you is how to make such repetition more productive. You also want to reconsider the function of the individual episodes. For example, the part about the pulling up and down of the steel gates can be used as “interludes” or transitional segments between the episodes with different characters. That would help to give a musical/rhythmic character to the piece; and perhaps to give a “timeless” quality to the place. Following the example, the exact location of the episode with the police raiding the place should be treated with care. > Also, different episodes should be written a bit more differently in terms of style, speed and tone. For example, the raiding scene should emphasize uniformity and diversity of movement and sound; the girl’s wandering experience should highlight more of the objects that catch her gaze; the female tourist’s hesitancy should concentrate on her bodily movement in a more fragmentary style etc. >As for descriptive rigor, tighter writing is required: check all the adjectives, nouns and verbs you use, see if you can replace adjectives with even more accurate details, nouns with the actual names of the object with basic qualifiers, and verbs with specific actions etc. Tighter writing here means you spend the same amount of words but the content is richer, and details more specific. Still a bit too burdened with “telling.” Learn to rely on more “showing.” >>A promising beginning on the whole: you’ve begun to make effort to notice details and to mobilize them for your writing activity. More practice for the “showing” of the “show-not-tell” principle seems necessary to make the strength mentioned in the second paragraph above pay off. Practice more and with more rigorous editing, specificity of details, accuracy of analogies, especially to make the various tactics – tuning of speed and perspective etc. -- more integrated. [Linda] 50577720 “天天走的路” Good demonstration of the “show-not-tell” principle. Very detail description of the human activities and the details built up a unique atmosphere. You can push the atmosphere further, for examples, by telling your own feelings. Most of the views are the full views of the place. You might try to have some close up. The ending is a sharp cut. It seems that the writing can go further: to describe another world which contrast the one you mentioned or it is only a repeated world, people are doing something different but they are the same. (Phoebe) Very visual. Able to see overall movements and varied rhythms within the space. The space you portrayed also carries a mysterious sense of time. 很能写出那种似机 械又像有人在遥遥操控、人身不由己的状态，给那个你书写的地方赋予特别的 个性。The strong sense of geometric abstraction is particularly powerful. Great attempt. (Linda) 50578291 “紙船” 一篇音樂會遊記,遊來遊去,視點頗為散渙,相當多樣化,營造出一個繽紛但 朦朧的世界,有些描述頗有趣,若集中和深刻一點便更好了。紙船的出現頗為 突兀,亦不見和全篇的關係,為何用來做題和作結呢,(Phoebe) Full of details, but requires a stronger sense of organization. There is a basic location and you take the approach of describing the process (journey) of moving into the crowd. The strength of automatism can be felt as the piece of full of free-flowing thoughts and observation. It also presents the mind of someone who constantly gets distracted by sights and sounds. However, the sights and sounds lack the strength of the “show-not-tell” principle and are therefore rather blurry. How to make them more specific? Why, for example, do you say that blue and green are charming? What did you exactly see? Give us a full picture of the sensation so we also find the colors charming where they appeared. Many such examples. Need to learn to edit your text. Like last time, you’ve got a draft that is full of potentials, but you fall short of playing the good editor for your own writing to strengthen the good points. Also, need to improve with the depiction of details – be more concrete and physical. (Linda) 50579908 “彩雲(村)” 文章由大環境聚焦到大排檔, 許許多多的細節, 甚有層次且豐富地去表現一種隨 意, 不太講究, 得過且過的生活。 多段的結尾都說:「日子就這樣過。」文章寫 得不錯。若進一步問,或許可以問,作為作者的你又怎樣看這樣的生活態度? 文章許多伏線稍嫌描述得不夠深刻。是欣賞? 是消極,是無力,是民間智慧?是 有趣? 是親切?有靭力,沒追求?可再在文字的質素和描繪深度方面再下工夫。 (Phoebe) 本来是一个面目模糊的地方，都因你的文字而忽然着了色、线条浮现，有了方 位、有了尺度。 也很喜欢你做到的有效的渐变的视线转移，由广到近再到看者的本位。叙事整 体上有清楚的节奏感。人和物和其中的活动溶合得调和适中，大体上生气泱 然。 可以做得更好的是如何看得更深，以至这个素描是绝对的彩云村而不是别的。 你最个人的、主观的、特殊的感思与所见以至遐想也可以暗暗或不着痕迹的描 进大蓝图，令全文的层次更丰富。 (Linda) 50581770 “找時間” Congratulations! This is a beautiful piece. Simple plot line provides a reasonable structure for you to paint a thick portrait of the place. The work benefits from the vigorous realization of divergent and lateral thinking. Thickness and choice of details works through without unnecessarily slowing down the reading process. Good judgment of how far to go with the use of details. 很豐富的質感,多得適度的小節和細節書寫的濃度,構成活生生的葵盛邨,亦 具有大體上的秩序感,由長廊到電梯間到樓外到平臺,拉闊後又漸入至各類店 鋪以及其中的人物、活動。整體而言,領會到擴散式和橫向思考的好處並能付 諸實行。細節豐盈而令讀者想看下去,又不失故事主線的暗中的引導,都是良 好判斷力的表現。 Here and there, the piece is still a bit too much marred by technical problems: 錯字、 別字、造句、上文下理,尤其標點的使用。 Need to exercise more rigorous editing after the creation process. Ending/resolution is a bit rushed and too much an easy way out. The story may also benefit from a bit of more personal events/memories and personalized portrayal. p.s.: your photos and raw notes seem to suggest a very different Kwai Shing West Estate than the final writing. [Linda] 50587773 “公園” 文筆細緻,觀察入微,公園位置和樹的描述也相當獨特,數冷氣機的一段富幽 默感,可能因為篇幅太短,還是不大清楚這個公園是怎樣的。(Phoebe) 50587945 “給楊受成先生” 文章設定了一個非常有趣的境遇, 可以用上不同的材料來形容該地方, 例如:因為 主角是明星關係, 用了大量電影的情景來作比喻, 運用起來合情合理,為著逃避 耳目, 對周圍環境和人物的分析更是一絕。用眼前景物和明星拍片的環境作一強 烈對比, 亦是一個相當聰明的安排。或許因為通篇是對話的限制, 所以略有點不 夠深入的感覺, 但總的來說, 文章為 “show-not-tell” 原則做了一個不錯的示範。 寫法亦相當 divergent, 組織能力不俗,文章亦相當完整。(Phoebe) Honestly, it’s not easy to assess your work this time. While the piece reveals some interesting thoughts about certain corners of Hong Kong’s city space, your choice of form and style leaves me with almost no room to judge you against the main criteria of this project – that is, (1) craftsmanship in descriptive power, (2) the ability to use details effectively, and (3) a work that demonstrates your power of seeing and the fruitfulness of your exercises of observation. While enjoying the humor of your piece, I am left with nothing on the level of language to keep open a discussion with you. Perhaps as a creative work on its own, your piece is intriguing and revealing; and it does show your insight about the places portrayed. But as a project with research as basis and certain aspects of writing skill as objectives, this seems to be the wrong submission. (Linda) 50591006 “鄉下仔看大城市” 文章似用了象徵詩學的寫法,先有觀點,再去引證。這種寫法需要有層次感, 一步步去引證你的觀點。文章有時做得不錯 (例如互不關心對比店員們虛假的 關心)有時做得不夠 (為何要對穿拖鞋的老伯有情感,隨機跟縱兩女孩就認為她 們是城市人的代表,)部分地方太概括,缺實感,欠細緻。若人人都是那樣形容 城市,你如何可以告訴讀者更多東西,「 鄉下仔」是個可以發揮的角度,例如 描述鄉間的經驗去對比城市的經驗,除了田野、肉包、油條、豆漿,應該還有 許多東西可以說的。為了聚焦而跟縱人,亦是有趣的做法,有潛力再發展。 (Phoebe) 50591621 “那,一個角落” 一時是萬年油、一時是垃圾桶、一時是咖啡杯,切入點相當有趣,每段也有一 些有趣的細節和觀察。每個段落都寫得不錯,通篇卻好像還可以組織得好一 點,這裡可以是旺角,也可以是銅鑼灣。(Phoebe) 流畅的文字，触觉多样化而特殊，令我想读下去。虽是同一个我熟识的铜锣 湾，却令我有新的体验。细节丰富，也具想象力。若能在整体上更有焦点、多 考虑布局会更好。呼喊一两个店子的真实的名字可令全文更传神，更铜锣湾。 (Linda) 50593210 “尖沙咀近海濱公園一帶” 文章寫得相當細緻豐富,一些比喻亦相當精妙。組織、剪裁方面或許要下些工 夫,現在是事實的鋪陳較多,多細部,乏焦點和發展。(Phoebe) Great effort in crafting details to bring the place to life. You have mentioned colors many times. Perhaps you want to learn to make descriptions of colors more specific, such as using metaphors and analogies in general. Consider also the effects of colors, which do not result from the type of color itself, but from texture, as well as what the object is viewed against. I agree with Phoebe that the whole piece needs better organization, cutting up of sentences, paragraphing etc. If you want to communicate the juxtaposition of many different things together, you need to do it deliberately, not just by putting everything into the same paragraph. For example, you’ve spent quite a bit of time on the surfaces (exterior) of buildings. You can consider how to use these sections: as a broad view introduction to human activities in different locations; to alternate between buildings and people as if they were two different set of co-existing characters; and so on. The piece is not lacking in nice little scenarios and tableau-like situations. Again, deliberate organization is necessary. You also want to reinforce the element of sound, which you’ve introduced in the opening. Lots of potential. Can be a great piece with a few re-writes and thoughtful organization. (Linda) 50593510 “被劃分的國” 成功地運用了 “show-not-tell” principle 去描述電車、西營盤的地理環境,用詞經 濟有効,平常的風景也顯出了一番新意象。看的東西有點浮光掠影,若可以更 深、更透,便更好了。(Phoebe) A very spatial approach to the display and sectional division of texts. You’ve taken more or less a method of abstraction to embrace the whole space: part of it is very graphic and geometrical, other parts more on movement, hearing and breathing. The enigmatic character of Western District could be enriched with some concrete details, such as (including) a few shops with concrete names and addresses… I suppose the very concrete and specific would be an good element to contrast with the very abstract. A strong sense of structure nonetheless. (Linda) 50595017 “Clinic” This is a really enclosed space full of people, noise and small actions. While not forgetting about the significance of the physical space arrangement, you’ve managed to give us a quick scan of a broad variety of people with observable features and human actions (including conversations). Just wondering whether there’s a way to show (via writing) the simultaneous actions that come and go, sometimes overlapping, sometimes conflicting one another. Right now, the work looks like a neat set of notes of documentation. What are some of the possible ways to organize these materials other than by time? I’m not sure if Scene 4 – the revealing of the story as fiction not actual events – is a bit of an unnecessary cheat. In the end, you’re truly fictionalizing by telling us that what you really saw and heard was actual part of a shooting project – thus undermining (weakening) the power of the details, and almost renouncing altogether the value of the pieces. As a reader, I feel disappointed that I’ve been wasting my time to read and to believe and to care for what you write. Be very careful with using this kind of tactics. The same applies to writing an exciting story and in the end telling your readers that it’s just a dream. That effect is more destructive than just a matter of an anti-climax. It’s often frustrating and defeating the purpose of writing. Otherwise, the piece is carefully crafted and it shows your attentive “seeing.” (Linda) 50596548 “廿四小時營業” 文章設定了一個不錯的視點, 從商業經營角度寫出此地和別的地方不同之處。文 章最成功的地方從一個人物的性格, 他的工作、家人與生活, 側面反映了該地的 一些特色。文章組織得不錯, 同時亦相當有層次。(Phoebe) The choice of first-person perspective is an effective one, which gives your portrait a strong focus. Great attempt to work on details and stay with details. To make it more powerful, you may want to consider the distance you (the “I”) take in seeing. Right now, the viewing distance is more or less constant. Perhaps you can play a bit more with varying the way you see. For example, of all the people and activities that flow around and in front of you, I want to know what captures your attention more intensely, and how what you see somehow forms how you feel. Very solid work. (Linda) 50596550 “我看見、我聽見之失憶” 文章運用了一個相當獨特的視點,從不知道,到看不見,聽不見,製造了一個 有趣的空間讓自己發揮。有聲沒畫的描寫相當豐富,有影無聲方面則還有發展 空間,或許可描述感官突然喪失,現實如何失去實感。(可參考董啟章:《安卓 珍尼》裡面的”聰明世界”)而有關問題所引起的心理恐慌,你已描繪得相當不 錯。由全知者突變為第一身亦加強了詭異的氣氛。欢賞你為自己製造了一些寫 作上的難度。故事有趣,描繪空間的能力可再鍛鍊鍛鍊。(Phoebe) Carefully constructed narrative to allow yourself the room for detailed portrayal of a place. Appreciate especially your effort to play with hearing versus seeing. This piece cares more about human actions in a place than space itself. Or if it’s about space, it’s about the dream space in a train. It’s definitely a finely crafted piece and your narrative technique is very refined. It seems, though, you’re running away from the main task of this project, which is to dwell on concrete space and its material quality. Although as a short story it’s highly enjoyable, it’s a pity that you have not really subject yourself to the really test of the assignment. Don’t forget, this assignment is titled “empirical city.” Are you re-defining what it means to be “empirical”? (Linda) 50596561 “尋覓…蘭桂坊” A very sincere attempt to open up the descriptive and narrative possibilities of the place. Overall structure is stronger than the interiors of individual sections. Contrast between day time and night-life is a promising design. The strongest section is the one about the street performers. The piece shows the effects of your visits and your observation exercises. You’ve begun to collect your own impression for this location and see what you alone see. The next step – to give material substance to these impressions and perceptions – doesn’t seem to be as effective. You want to identify the many details that form the impressions you’ve collected. What exactly was it that you saw and heard that gave you the feelings you’re articulating? It seems you’re not totally aware of these details and therefore not always able to help the readers hear and see exactly what you did. 以主客觀互扣為基調,似乎還是以主觀為主導,勝過客觀。有些地方亦過於主 觀而沒有足夠的細節的支援,減低了閱讀的投入,如?“紅黃綠是有意思和規 律,互相配合,控制著周邊的腳步„”。 需要繼續練習的有兩方面?可經驗的物質細節在描述上的適量的細密程度,還 有細節的準確性。 也動用了不同人物的主觀性,可讀下去時你並沒有盡用那些人物的特殊視野或 觸覺。 另一個可考慮之處是描述語調的時間性。文中可見有動用此時此地的現在式, 不過解釋性文字的插入減低了現在進行式的果效。 “事實上,我甚麼也找不到”是有效的路標,保證全文的秩序感。再進深一 點,卻又不太明確,不知道該視作對比、否定、還是私人的感思的介入。“找 不到”變為“找到了”是個有趣的轉變,但入夜後你眼中的蘭桂坊有似乎跟一 般人所經驗的沒有太大的不同,缺乏了一點驚喜。 The use of the big wine barrel [大酒桶] as the key analogy is a good idea. However, there is not sufficient contemplation on the smaller details and physical/functional features of a “barrel,” and therefore no effective adoption of those details to translate them into features of the place you’re portraying. You also want to re-consider: what is the strength of the “poetics of signification” (which you have practiced here) as opposed to the “poetics of discovery”? How to make the former work? How does the “show-not-tell” principle come to play a role in this? Need to refresh your language via the employment of concrete details. Make us see exactly what you see so we can draw the same conclusion you did. [Linda] 50596653 “金鳳茶餐廳” 文筆流暢活潑,文字、口語、圖像有效地交替應用。從位置、相貌、食物、人 物、人物關係及一些蛛絲馬跡,再加上大量對比,成功地描繪了這個既討厭亦 可愛的地方。如何將這裡獨特的人倫關係推向一個更深的層次,或許是文章可 繼續發展的地方。(Phoebe) This is a nice portrait of a tea cafe. 全文很强调“看”这个动作和有秩序的 “看”，以至方位、高低、角度等变成为经验的主导。你也采用了“并贴”的 方法去写，强调多面体。这一切的仔细的实验手法都值得嘉奖、鼓励。 However, I still feel that something is missing to demonstrate how these experimental methods pay off. At this point, the piece is more like a series of exercises than a powerful portrait that reveals the secret or uniqueness of the place via experimental methods. A very conscientious piece nonetheless. I can feel the effects of your keen observation exercise. (Linda) 50596665 “迷一般的石牆陣 – 官塘工業區” 文章選用了晚上站在頂樓的視點來形容這地方,相當直接了當。聲音方面結合 環境的描述最為出色,氣味和人的活動的描寫也算不錯。相比之下,圖像的處 理便有點乏味 (這方面不會影响評核)。部分地方,稍嫌陳腔,例如乏味的飯 堂、憤世嫉俗的band sound,若有更仔細的描述或許可改善。(Phoebe) Strong introduction – which already sufficiently prepares me for a special trip into a place I know only vaguely. Still, I find the use of many adjectives a bit too general and lack of impact. Learn the show-not-tell principle: replace them with details, concrete details, textures via physical qualities, analogies to make abstract sensations more imaginable… 有气氛，有个人的特殊视野。Also appreciate the action-oriented approach to creative work in this project. Overall, the piece shows your attentiveness to the environment… a close study of the Kwun Tong. Unique angles, yet a bit flat. Power of seeing demonstrated, yet needs to be complemented accordingly by powerful details (strong description), which I requested in the previous paragraph. Ending a bit abrupt. (Linda) 50600646 “the Empirical City: Hung Hom Ferry” Congratulations for choosing a highly innovative format – a multi-lateral narrative (ensemble structure) -- to highlight the simultaneity of sights and sounds. My only comment is: you could be much bolder in applying a fuller range of music- for dynamics, tonality, rhythmic patterns etc. – to create new notational elements – expressive possibilities of the written word. You may also want to “spatialize” the presentation of the lines on the surface of the paper to show how the themes interweave. The first line of the score could be improved with more details. Some descriptive texts could be presented as fragments, echoes, noise and counter-phrasings etc. [Linda] 50601888 “迷失” 文章用了孩童的目光看周圍發生的事物,描寫得相當細緻,尤其是派傳單的一 段,組織得不錯。等四段描述一些看得見但不明所以的事情,對比等五段看不 見但卻有定案的事情,是一段不錯的人的活動的描寫。除了人的活動外,可擴 闊描述一些景觀、氣味、聲音,使該地更立體。文章若再發展,可問旺角西洋 菜街的行人專用區和銅鑼灣的行人專用區有何分別,還有若是孩童的話,語調 有點過於拘謹,可多想想這個小孩的性格。(Phoebe) Close to a documentary account of a place yet via fictionalization. Shows your keen observation. A little girl’s POV is a good thought, but wouldn’t an adult have seen or experienced something very similar? Very lively description of activities and a variety of people. Full of good drama as well. 可以写得再深刻、特殊一点，以至 读者可因你的看见而对旺角有刷新的看法。(Linda)