写作讲义（第三稿）part III sentences

Part III. Writing Sentences I. Common mistakes in writing sentences While writing, graduates are making all kinds of mistakes in sentences. In general these mistakes can be classified into the following types: Ⅰ. Chinglish (中文式英语) Ⅱ. Fragments （不完整句） Ⅲ. Run-on sentences （粘连句） Ⅳ. Ambiguous Reference of Pronouns（指代不清） Ⅴ. Disagreements （不一致） Ⅵ. Mistakes in Diction （用词错误） Ⅶ. Modifiers problems （修饰语毛病） II. Analysis and correction to the above mistakes 1. Chinglish While non-native speakers write, they are used to thinking in their native language, or they usually and simply exchange the single words and phrases, ignoring the structure of sentences. Thus they make sentences that may not have grammar mistakes but that are not what native speakers say or write. Example one: Have money equals have everything. Analysis: verbs cannot be used as subject and object, while their non-predicate forms can, so it can be improved as: Having money means having everything. Example two: The methods of getting to know the society on campus are very many. Analysis: there are mainly two mistakes in this sentence: 1) “There be” structure is specifically used to express “有”in Chinese. 2) According to the meaning of the sentence, it should be “outside the campus”. Improved: There are many ways to come to know society outside the campus. Example Three: Every time my father called me to learn English, I would try to find some excuse to avoid it. Analysis: In Chinese “叫” does not always equal to “call” in English. In addition, “To learn English” should be replaced by something more specific. Improved: Every time when my father asked me to do English lessons, I would try to find some excuse to avoid it. Example Four: He is older in appearance than in age. Analysis: It is right in grammar, but hard for native speakers to understand. Improved: He looks older than his years. We can find such examples here and there, for which the main reason is either the lack of ability to use English freely or the habit to translate in writing English. To avoid it, people can (1) Try to write something specific instead of expressing abstract ideas; (2) Try to control purposefully what you would like to express. Instead, write something simple and easy to express in English; (3) Try to divide what you are writing or thinking into simple components and write in comparatively short sentences. Surely you should pay attention to the relationship between the sentences in case they are coherent. Exercise Rewrite the following Chinglish into acceptable sentences: 1. With the popular more and more large, more and more people need to eat, wash and to irrigate. 2. So fresh water become more and more shortage 3. In China, there is an old sentence: birds die for foods, persons die for money. 4. If you have the mood, you can go fishing. 5. We were arranged to study English from Grade 3. 2. Fragments（不完整句） Every sentence must have a subject and a verb and must express a complete thought. A word group that lacks a subject or a verb and does not express a complete thought is a fragment. Following are the most common types of fragments that people write: (1) Dependent-word fragments (从属词不完整句) (2) –ing and to fragments (现在分词和不定式不完整句) (3) Added-detail fragments （附加细节不完整句） (4) Missing-subject fragments （主语缺位不完整句） The following will explain all the four types. 2.1 Dependent-word fragments Some word groups that begin with a dependent word are fragments. Following are a list of common dependent words. Whenever you start a sentence with one of these words, you must be careful that a fragment does not result. Dependent words after if, even if when; whenever although; though in order that where; wherever as since whether because that; so that which; whichever before unless while even though until who how what; whatever whose Example one: After I cashed my paycheck. I treated myself to dinner. Analysis: A dependent statement---one starting with a dependent word---cannot stand alone. After I cashed my paycheck is a dependent statement. It leaves us hanging. We expect to find out, in the same sentence, what happened after the writer cashed the check. When a writer does not follow through and complete a thought, a fragment results. Corrected: After I cashed my paycheck, I treated myself to dinner. In most cases you can correct a dependent-word fragment by attaching it to the sentence that comes after it or the sentence that comes before it. In example one, the fragment is attached to the sentence that comes after it. Example Two: I won’t leave the house. Until I hear from you. Analysis: Until I hear from you is a fragment and does not make sense standing by itself. Corrected: I won’t leave the house until I hear from you. In this example, the fragment is attached to the sentence that comes before it. Another way of correcting a dependent-word fragment is simply to eliminate the dependent word by rewriting the sentence. I cashed my paycheck and then treated myself to dinner. I will wait to hear from you. Notes: a. Use a comma if a dependent word group comes at the beginning of a sentence. See example one. However, do not generally use a comma if the dependent word group comes at the end of a sentence. See example two. b. Sometimes the dependent words who, that, which or where appear not at the very start but near the start of a word group. A fragment often results: Example three: I drove slowly past the old brick house. The place where I grew up. Analysis: The place where I grew up is not in itself a complete thought. We want to know in the same statement where was the place the writer grew up. The fragment can be corrected by attaching it to the sentence that comes before it: I drove slowly past the old brick house, the place where I grew up. Exercise Underline the dependent-word fragment in each item. Then rewrite the items, correcting each fragment by attaching it to the sentence that comes before or after it. Use a comma if necessary. 1. Whenever I spray deodorant. My cat arches her back. She thinks she is hearing a hissing enemy. 2. My father, a salesman, was on the road all week. We had a great time playing football in the house. Until he came home for the weekend. 3. If Kim takes too long saying good-bye to her boyfriend. Her father will start a flicking the porch light. Then he will come out with a flashlight. 4. After I got to class. I realized my report was still on the kitchen table. I had been working there the night before. 2.2 -ing and to Fragments When an -ing word appears at or near the start of a word group, a fragment may result. Such fragments often lack a subject and part of the verb. In the items below, underline the word groups that contain -ing words. Example Four: Ellen walked all over the neighborhood yesterday. Trying to find her dog Bo. Several people claimed they had seen him only hours before. Example Five: We sat back to watch the movie. Not expecting anything special. To our surprise, we clapped, cheered, and cried for the next two hours. Example Six: I telephoned the balloon store. It being the day before our wedding anniversary. I knew my wife would be surprised to receive a dozen heart-shaped balloons. How can people correct -ing fragments? For example four, attach the fragment to the sentence that comes before it or after it, whichever makes sense. It could read: “Ellen walked all over the neighborhood trying to find her dog Bo.” In example five, add a subject and change the -ing verb part to the correct form. It could read: “We didn’t expect anything special.” In example six, change being to the correct form of the verb be (am, are, is, was, were). It could read: “It was the day before our wedding anniversary.” When to appears at or near the start of a word group, a fragment sometimes results: Example seven: At the Chinese restaurant, Tim used chopsticks. To impress his date. He spent one hour eating a small bowl of rice. Analysis: The second word group is a fragment and can be corrected by adding it to the preceding sentence: At the Chinese restaurant, Tim used chopsticks to impress his date. Exercise: Underline the -ing or to fragment in each item. Then rewrite each item, correcting the fragment by using one of the three methods described above. 1. Looking at the worm of the table. Shelby groaned. She knew she wouldn’t like what the biology teacher said next. 2. I put a box of baking soda in the freezer. To get rid of the musty smell. However, my ice cubes still taste like old socks. 3. Staring at the clock on the far wall. I nervously began my speech. I was afraid to look at any of the people in the room. 4. To get to the bus station from here. You have to walk two blocks out of your way. The sidewalk is torn up because of construction work. 2.3 Added-detail Fragments Added-detail fragments lack a subject and a verb. They often begin with one of the following words: also, especially, except, for example, like, including, such as. People often write added-detail fragments for much the same reason they write –ing fragments. They think the subject and verb in one sentence will serve for the next word group. But the subject and the verb must be in each word group. Example Eight: Before a race, I eat starchy food. Such as bread and spaghetti. The carbohydrates provide quick energy. Analysis: Attach the fragment to the complete thought that precedes it. It could read: “Before a race, I eat starchy food such as bread and spaghetti. Example Nine: Bob is taking a night course in auto mechanics. Also, one in plumbing. He wants to save money on household repairs. Analysis: Add a subject and a verb to the fragment to make it a complete sentence. It could read: “Bob is taking a night course in auto mechanics. Also, he is taking one in plumbing.” Example Ten: My son keeps several pets in his room. Including hamsters and mice. Analysis: Insert the fragment within the preceding sentence. It could read: “My son keeps several pets in his room, including hamsters and mice.” Exercise Underline the fragment in each of the following items. Then make it a sentence by rewriting it, using the method described in parentheses. 1. Luis works evenings in a video store. He enjoys the fringe benefits. For example, seeing the new movies first.(Correct the fragment by adding the subject and verb he sees) 2. Bob’s fingernails are ragged from years of working as a mechanic. And his fingertips are always black. Like ink pads. (Attach the fragment to the preceding sentence.) 3. Electronic devices keep getting smaller. Such as video cameras and cell phones. Some are so tiny they look like toys. (Correct the fragment by inserting it in the preceding sentence) 2.4 Missing-subject Fragments In each item below, underline the word group in which the subject is missing: Example Eleven: Alicia loved getting wedding presents. But hated writing thank-you notes. Analysis: Attach the fragment to the preceding sentence. It could read: “Alicia loved getting wedding presents but hated writing thank-you notes.” Example Twelve: Mickey has orange soda and potato chips for breakfast. Then eats more junk food, like root beer and cookies, for lunch. Analysis: Add a subject (which can often be a pronoun standing for the subject in the preceding sentence). It could read: “Then he eats more junk food, like root beer and cookies, for lunch.” Exercise Rewrite the following sentences to correct the fragment. 1. Every other day, Kara runs two miles. Then does fifty sit-ups. She hasn’t lost weight, but she looks trimmer and more muscular. 2. I like all kinds of fresh pizza. But refuse to eat frozen pizza. The sauce is always dried out, and the crust tastes like leather. 3. Many people are allergic to seafood. They break out in hives when they eat it. And can even have trouble breathing. 4. To distract me, the dentist tugged at a corner of my mouth. Then jabbed a needle into my gums and injected a painkiller. I hardly felt it. 3. Run-on sentences A run-on is two complete thoughts that are run together with no adequate sign given to mark the break between them. Some run-ons have no punctuation at all to mark the break between the thoughts. Such run-ons are known as fused sentences: they are fused, or joined together, as if they were only one thought. Example One: The bus stopped suddenly I spilled coffee all over my shirt. Example Two: Mario told everyone in the room to be quiet his favorite show was on. In other run-ons, known as comma splices, a comma is used to connect, or “splice” together, the two complete thoughts. However, a comma alone is not enough to connect two complete thoughts. Some stronger connection than a comma alone is needed. Example Three: The bus stopped suddenly, I spilled coffee all over my shirt. Example Four: Mario told everyone in the room to be quiet, his favorite show was on. Comma splices are the most common kind of run-on. Students sense that some kind of connection is needed between two thoughts, and so they often put a comma at the dividing point. But the comma alone is not sufficient. A stronger, clearer mark is needed between the two complete thoughts. Attention: People often write run-ons when the second complete thought begins with one of the following words: I, we, there, now, you, they, this, then, he, she, it, that, next. How can people correct run-ons? Here are three common methods. (1) Use a period and a capital letter to break the two complete thoughts into separate sentences: The bus stopped suddenly. I spilled coffee all over my shirt. Mario told everyone in the room to be quiet. His favorite show was on. This method is used especially if the thoughts are not closely related or if another method would make the sentence too long. (2) Use a comma plus a joining word (and, but, for, or, nor, so, yet) to connect the two complete thoughts: The bus stopped suddenly, and I spilled coffee all over my shirt. Mario told everyone in the room to be quiet, for his favorite show was on. (3) Use a semicolon to connect the two complete thoughts: The bus stopped suddenly; I spilled coffee all over my shirt. Mario told everyone in the room to be quiet; his favorite show was on. A semicolon can be used with a transitional word and a comma to join two complete thoughts. For example: Example Five: Larry believes in being prepared for emergencies; therefore, he stockpiles canned goods in his basement. Example Six: I tried to cash my paycheck; however, I had forgotten to bring identification. Example Seven: Athletic shoes must fit perfectly; otherwise, wearers may injure their feet or ankles. Here are some common transitional words, also known as adverbial conjunctions: however, nevertheless, on the other hand, instead, meanwhile, otherwise, indeed, in addition, also, moreover, furthermore, as a result, thus, consequently, therefore. Exercise 1 Correct each run-on. If necessary, you can use any of the above three methods or any other ways. 1. I ran to the door my sister stormed in suddenly she burst into tears. 2. There are many ways we get to know the outside world. 3. In a word, the attitude towards money as far as I am concerned is that money is just a certain tool of payment. 4. There we may avoid things such as there is water but cannot use. Exercise 2 Write the numbers of the ten word groups that contain fragments or run-ons. Then, in the spaces between the lines, edit by making the necessary corrections. 1A unique object in my family's living room is an ashtray. 2Which I made in second grade.3I can still remember the pride I felt. 4When I presented it to my mother.5Now, I'm amazed that my parents didn't hide it away at the back of a shelf it is a remarkably ugly object. 6The ashtray is made out of brown clay which I had tried to mold into a perfect circle, unfortunately my class was only forty-five minutes long. 7The best I could do was to shape it into a lopsided oval.8lts most distinctive feature, though, was the grooves carved into its rim. 9I had theorized that each groove could hold a cigarette or cigar, I made at least fifty of them. 10l somehow failed to consider that the only person who smoked in my family was my father. 11Who smoked about five cigars a year. 12Further, although our living room is decorated in sedate tans and blues, my ashtray is bright purple. 13My favorite color at the time. 14For variety, it has stripes around its rim they are colored neon green. 15My parents have proudly displayed my little masterpiece on their coffee table for the past ten years. 16lf I ever wonder if my parents love me. 17l look at that ugly ashtray, the answer is plain to see. 4.Ambiguous Reference of Pronouns A sentence may be confusing and unclear if a pronoun appears to refer to more than one word or does not refer to any specific word. Example One: Peter told Alan that his wife is unhappy. Analysis: It is not clear whose wife is unhappy: Peter’s or Alan’s? Corrected: Peter told Alan, “My wife is unhappy.” Example Two: Kia is really a shy person, but she keeps it hidden. Analysis: There is no specific word that it refers to. It would not make sense to say, “Kia keeps shy hidden.” Corrected: Kia is really a shy person, but she keeps her shyness hidden. Example Three: Marsha attributed her success to her husband’s support, which was generous. Analysis: Does which mean that Marsha’s action was generous or that her husband’s support was generous? Corrected: Generously, Marsha attributed her success to her husband’s support. Or: Marsha attributed her success to her husband’s generous support. Exercise: Rewrite the following sentences to make clear the vague pronoun reference. Add, change, or omit words if necessary. 1. Mary was friendly to my sister because she wanted her to be her bridesmaid. 2. And we can also know the society by serving it yourself. 3. You should work hard with our hands 4. Money we often use it to buy something. 5. Disagreements In students’ writing, it is easy to find disagreements, including subject-verb, tense, number and pronoun disagreements. A verb must agree with its subject in number. A singular subject (one person or thing) takes a singular verb. A plural subject (more than one person or thing) takes a plural verb. Mistakes are sometimes made in the following situations: 1. When words come between the subject and the verb; 2. When a verb comes before the subject; 3. With compound subjects 4. With indefinite pronouns Example One: The sharp fangs in the dog’s mouth looks scary. Analysis: the subject (fangs) is plural, while the verb (looks) is singular. The words that come between the subject and the verb are a prepositional phrase: in the dog’s mouth. They should not cause the subject-verb disagreement. Corrected: The sharp fangs in the dog’s mouth look scary A verb agrees with its subject even when the verb comes before the subject. Words that may precede the subject include here, there, and, in question, who, which, what and where. Here are some examples in which the verb appears before the subject: There are wild dogs in our neighborhood. In the distance was a billow of black smoke. Here is the newspaper. Where are the children’s coats? If you are not sure about the subject, ask who or what of the verb. With the first example above, you might ask, “What are in our neighborhood?” The answer, wild dogs, is the subject. A compound subject is two subjects separated by a joining word, such as and. Subjects joined by and generally take a plural form. Example Two: Neither the union leaders nor the negotiator want the strike to continue. Analysis: When subjects are joined by either…or, neither…nor, not only…but also, the verb agrees with the subject closer to the verb. Corrected: Neither the union leaders nor the negotiator wants the strike to continue. Indefinite pronouns always take singular verbs, including one, anyone, everyone, someone; nobody, anybody, everybody, somebody; nothing, anything, everything, something; each, either, neither. Exercise Correct the following disagreements. 1. There is all kinds of people. 2. Some people thought that money is the source of happiness. 3. They will can buy happiness with money. 4. Nowadays, college students should getting to know the world outside the campus. 6. Mistakes in Diction According to Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English (New Edition), diction refers to the choice of words and phrases to express meaning. Students often choose a wrong word, ignoring its meaning or part of speech. Example One: Those customers are impatience. Analysis: Such verbs as be, look, appear, seem, become, sound, taste, and smell are always followed by adjectives, which are used to describe the subjects. Corrected: Those customers are impatient. Example Two: We must be on duty to the development of the world’s futural. Analysis: Students misunderstand the meaning of be on duty, and write a wrong word futural Corrected: We must be alert to issues that affect the world’s future development. Exercise Correct the following sentences with wrong diction. 1. The increasing use of chemical obstacles in agriculture also makes pollution. 2. Secondly, we should deduce the rate of people rising. 3. Addition to the rising of people, water pollution, the fresh water that can be used is in lack. 4. The father gentle hugged the sick child. 7. Modifiers problems Because of awkward placement, some modifiers do not describe what the writer intended them to describe. A misplaced modifier can make a sentence confusing or unintentionally funny. To avoid this, place words as close as possible to what they describe. Example One: George couldn’t drive to work in his small sports car with a broken leg. Analysis: The sports car had a broken leg? Corrected: With a broken leg, George couldn’t drive to work in his small sports car. A modifier that opens a sentence must be followed immediately by the word it is meant to describe. Otherwise, the modifier is said to be dangling, and the sentence takes on an unintended meaning. Example Two: While reading the newspaper, my dog sat with me on the front steps. Analysis: Who is reading the newspaper? The answer is not my dog but I. The subject I must be added. Or the subject can be placed within the opening word group. Corrected: While I was reading the newspaper, my dog sat with me on the front steps. Or: While reading the newspaper, I sat with my dog on the front steps. Example Three: While turning over the bacon, hot grease splashed my arm. Analysis: Who is turning over the bacon? The answer is not hot grease, as it unintentionally seems to be, but I. The subject I must be added. Corrected: While turning over the bacon, I was splashed by hot grease. Or: While I was turning over the bacon, hot grease splashed my arm. Exercise Make the changes needed to correct the dangling modifier in each sentence. 1. The speaker discussed the problem of crowded prisons at the college. 2. While taking a bath, a radio should never be left plugged into an outlet close to the tub. 3. At the age of ten, my grandfather died. 4. Constantly contacting the society, our knowledge will be improved. 5. Having admitted to the college, most of his time was spent writing and reading. III. Ways to revise sentences in essays In this part, students will learn how to revise sentences effectively so that sentences flow smoothly and clearly in essays. Here are the strategies to achieve it: 1. Use parallelism (使用排比) 2. Use a consistent point of view （保持前后一致） 3. Use specific words （选用具体词汇） 4. Use concise words （用词简洁） 5. Vary sentences （变换句型） 1. Use parallelism Words in a pair or a series should have parallel structure. By balancing the items in a pair or a series so that they have the same kind of structure, you will make the sentence clearer and easier to read. Compare the following sentences: Nonparallel (Not balanced) My job includes checking the inventory, initialing the orders, and to call the suppliers. The game-show contestant was told to be cheerful, charming and with enthusiasm. We painted the trim in the living room; the wallpaper was put up by a professional. Parallel (Balanced) My job includes checking the Inventory, initialing the orders, and calling the suppliers. (A balanced series of –ing words: checking, initialing, calling) The game-show contestant was told to be cheerful, charming and enthusiastic. (A balanced series of descriptive words: cheerful, charming and enthusiastic.) We painted the trim in the living room; a professional put up the wallpaper. (Balanced verbs and word order: We painted…; a professional put up…) Exercise Cross out and revise the unbalanced part of each of the following sentences. break example Chocolate makes me gain weight, lose my appetite, and breaking out in hives. 1. The novelty store sells hand buzzers, plastic fangs, and insects that are fake. 2. Many people share the same three intense fears: being in high places, working with numbers, and speeches. 3. To decide on a career, students should think closely about their interests, hobbies, and what they are skilled at. 4. At the body shop, the car was sanded down to the bare metal, painted with primer, and red enamel was sprayed on. 5. In order to become a dancer, Lola is taking lessons, working in amateur shows, and auditioned for professional companies. 6. Juan's last job offered security; a better chance for advancement is offered by his new job. 7. People in today's world often try to avoid silence, whether on the job, in school, or when relaxing at home. 8. Because the dying woman was dignified and with courage, she won everyone's respect. 9. The politician trusted no one, rewarded loyalty, and was dependent only on his own instincts. 10. If we're not careful, we'll leave the next generation polluted air, contaminated water, and forests that are dying. 11. Jesse prefers books that are short, scary, and filled with suspense. 12. A sale on electrical appliances, furniture for the office, and stereo equipment begins this Friday. 13. To escape the stresses of everyday life, I rely upon watching television, reading books, and my kitchen. 14. The keys to improving grades are to take effective notes in class, to plan study time, and preparing carefully for exams. 15. Qualities that I look for in friends are a sense of humor, being kind, and dependability. 16. My three favorite jobs were veterinary assistant, gardener, and selling toys. 17. Housekeeping shortcuts will help you speed up doing laundry, cleaning rooms, and food on the table. 18. Studying a little every day is more effective than to cram. 19. The chickens travel on a conveyor belt, where they are plucked, washed, rinsed, and bags are put on them. 20. The speaker impressed the audience because of his clear, reasonable presen​tation with friendliness as well. 2. Use a consistent point of view Do not shift verb tenses unnecessarily. If you begin writing a paper in the present tense, do not shift suddenly to the past. If you begin in the past, do not shift without reason to the present. Notice the inconsistent verb tenses in the following example: Example One: Jean punched down the risen yeast dough in the bowl. Then she dumps it onto the floured worktable and kneaded it into a smooth, shiny ball. Analysis: The verbs must be consistently either in the present tense or in the past tense. Corrected: Jean punches down the risen yeast dough in the bowl. Then she dumps it onto the floured worktable and kneads it into a smooth, shiny ball. Or: Jean punched down the risen yeast dough in the bowl. Then she dumped it onto the floured worktable and kneaded it into a smooth, shiny ball. While writing a paper, you should also not shift your point of view unnecessarily. Be consistent in your first-, second-, or third-person pronouns. Look at the examples. Inconsistent One of the fringe benefits of my job is that you can use a company credit card for gasoline. (The most common mistake people make is to let you slip into their writing after they start with another pronoun.) Though we like most of our neighbors, there are a few you can’t get along with. (The writer begins with the first-person pronouns we and our, but then shifts to the second-person you) Consistent One of the fringe benefits of my job is that I can use a company credit card for gasoline. Though we like most of our neighbors, there are a few we can’t get along with. Exercise Find the incorrect form and revise with the correct form in the following sentences. 1. An aggressive news photographer knocked a reporter to the ground as the movie stars arrive for the Academy Awards. 2. The winning wheelchair racer in the marathon slumped back in exhaustion and asks for some ice to soothe his blistered hands. 3. On the TV commercial for mail-order kitchen knives, an actor cuts a tree branch in half and sliced an aluminum can into ribbons. 4. "My husband is so dumb," said Martha, "that when he went to Las Vegas, he tries to play the soda machines." 5. The jeep swerved around the corner, went up on two wheels, and tips over on its side. 6. When I examined the used car, you could see that one of the front fenders had been replaced. 7. Ralph ripped open the bag of cheese puffs with his teeth, grabs handfuls of the salty orange squiggles, and stuffed them into his mouth. 8. From his perch high up on the rocky cliff, the eagle spots a white-tailed rabbit and swooped down toward his victim. 9. Several times a year, I like to take a day off, go away by myself, and recharged my mental batteries. 10. Aunt Flu tried to kiss her little nephew, but he runs out of the room. 11. In a zero-gravity atmosphere, water breaks up into droplets and floated around in space. 12. Many people are ignorant of side effects that diets can have on your health. 3. Use specific words To be an effective writer, you must use specific words rather than general words. Specific words create pictures in the reader’s mind. They help capture interest and make your meaning clear. Compare the following sentences: General She walked down the street. Animals came into the place. The man signed the paper. Specific Anne wandered slowly along Rogers Lane. Hungry lions padded silently into the sawdust-covered arena. The biology teacher hastily scribbled his name on the course withdrawal slip The specific sentences create clear pictures in our minds. The details show us exactly what has happened. Here are four ways to make sentences specific: (1) Use exact names. He sold his camper. Tom sold his Winnebago. (2) Use lively verbs. The flag moved in the breeze. The flag fluttered in the breeze. (3) Use descriptive words (modifiers) before nouns. A man strained to lift the crate. A heavyset, perspiring man strained to lift the heavy wooden crate. (4) Use words that relate to the senses ---- sight, hearing, taste, smell, touch. That woman jogs five miles a day. That fragile-looking, gray-haired woman jogs five miles a day. (sight) A noise told the crowd that there were two minutes left to play. A piercing whistle told the cheering crowd that there were two minutes left to play. (hearing) When he returned, all he found in the refrigerator was bread and milk. When he returned, all he found in the refrigerator was stale bread and sour milk. (taste) Neil stroked the kitten’s fur until he felt its tiny claws on his hand. Neil stroked the kitten’s velvety fur until he felt its tiny, needle-sharp claws on his hand. (touch) Fran placed a sachet in her bureau drawer. Fran placed a lilac-scented sachet in her bureau drawer. (smell) Exercise 1 Revise the following sentences, changing vague, indefinite words into sharp, specific ones. 1. Several of our appliances broke down at the same time. 2. Salty snacks are my diet downfall. 3. Our neighbor’s family room has a lot of electronic equipment. Exercise 2 With the help of the above methods, add specific details to the following sentences. Note the example. Example: The person got off the bus. The teenage boy bounded down the steps of the shiny yellow school bus. 1. She worked hard all summer. 2. The car would not start. 3. The test was difficult. 4. Use concise words Wordiness---using more words than necessary to express a meaning---is often a sign of lazy or careless writing. Your readers may resent the extra time and energy they must spend when you have not done the work needed to make your writing direct and concise. Example One: In this paper, I am planning to describe the hobby that I enjoy of collecting old comic books. Example Two: In Ben’ s opinion, he thinks that cable television will change and alter our lives in the future. Omitting needless words improves these sentences: One: I enjoy collecting old comic books. Two: Ben thinks that cable television will change our lives. Here are some wordy expressions that could be reduced to single words. Wordy form At the present time In the event that In the near future Due to the fact that For the reason that Is able to In every instance In this day and age During the time that A large number of Big in size Red in color Five in number Return back Good benefit Commute back and forth Postponed until later Short form Now If Soon Because Because Can Always Today While Many Big Red Five Return Benefit Commute Postponed Exercise： Revise the following sentences, omitting needless words. 1. In conclusion, I would like to end my essay by summarizing each of the major points that were covered within my paper. 2. Controlling the quality and level of the television shows that children watch is a continuing challenge to parents that they must meet on a daily basis. 3. In general, I am the sort of person who tends to be shy, especially in large crowds or with strangers I don't know well. 4. Someone who is analyzing magazine advertising can find hidden messages that, once uncovered, are seen to be clever and persuasive. 5. My greatest mistake that I made last week was to hurt my brother's feelings and then not to have the nerve to apologize and say how sorry I was. 6. In today's uncertain economic climate, it is clear that people, namely, average middle-class working people, have great difficulty saving much money or putting anything aside for emergencies. 7. We thought the television program that was on last night was enjoyable, whereas our parents reacted with dislike to the content of the show. 8. Because of the bad weather, the school district felt it would be safer to cancel classes and let everyone stay home than risk people having accidents on the way to school. 9. Out of all the regrets in my life so far, one of my greatest ones to the present time is that I did not take additional art classes when I was still in high school and had a chance to do so. 10. It seems obvious to me, and it should be to everyone else too, that people can be harmed as much by emotional abuse as by physical abuse, even if you don't lay a hand on them. 5. Vary Your Sentences One part of effective writing is to vary the kinds of sentences you write. If every sentence follows the same pattern, writing may become monotonous to read. This section explains four ways you can create variety and interest in your writing style. It also describes coordination and subordination---two important techniques for achieving different kinds of emphasis in writing. The following are four methods you can use to revise simple sentences, making them more complex and sophisticated: (1) Add a second complete thought (coordination). (2) Add a dependent thought (subordination). (3) Begin with a special opening word or phrase. (4) Place adjectives or verbs in a series. 5.1 Revise by adding a second complete thought When you add a second complete thought to a simple sentence, the result is a compound (or double) sentence. The two complete statements in a compound sentence are usually connected by a comma plus a joining or coordinating word (and, but, for, or, nor, so, yet). A compound sentence is used to give equal weight to two closely related ideas. The technique of showing that ideas have equal importance is called coordination. Following are some compound sentences. In each case, the sentence contains two ideas that the writer considers equal in importance. Example one: Greg worked on the engine for three hours, but the car still wouldn’t start. Example two: Bananas were on sale this week, so I bought a bunch for the children’s lunches. Example Three: We laced up our roller blades, and then we moved cautiously onto the rink. 5.2 Revise by adding a dependent thought When you add a dependent thought to a simple sentence, the result is a complex sentence. A dependent thought begins with one of the following subordinating words: after, though\ although, as, because, before, even though, how, if/even if, in order that, since, that\ so that, unless, until, what\ whatever, when\ whenever, where\wherever, whether, which\whichever, while, who, whose. A complex sentence is used to emphasize one idea over another. Look at the following complex sentence: Example four: Although the exam room was very quiet, I still couldn’t concentrate. The idea that the writer wishes to emphasize here－I still couldn’t concentrate－is expressed as a complete thought. The less important idea－Although the exam room was very quiet－is subordinated to the complete thought.. The technique of giving one idea less emphasis than another is called subordination. Following are other example of complex sentences. In each case, the part starting with the dependent word is the less emphasized part of the sentence. Example five: Even though I was tired, I stayed up to watch the horror movie. Example six: Before I take a bath, I check for spiders in the tub. Example seven: When Ivy feels nervous, she pulls on her earlobe. 5.3 Revise by beginning with a special opening word or phrase Among the special openers that can be used to start sentence are –ed words, -ing words, -ly words, to word groups, and prepositional phrase. Here are examples of all five kinds of openers: -ed word Concerned about his son’s fever, Paul called a doctor. -ing word Humming softly, the woman browsed through the rack of dresses. -ly word Hesitantly, Sue approached the instructor’s desk. to word group To protect her hair, Eva uses the lowest setting on her blow dryer. Prepositional phrase During the exam, drops of water fell from the ceiling. 5.4 Revise by Placing Adjectives or Verbs in a Series Various parts of a sentence may be placed in a series. Among these parts are adjectives (descriptive words) and verbs. Here are examples of both in a series: Adjectives I gently applied a sticky new Band-Aid to the deep, ragged cut on my finger. Verbs The truck bounced off a guardrail, sideswiped a tree, and plunged down the embankment. Exercise Combine the following pairs of simple sentences into one sentence. By adding a dependent thought: 1. I had forgotten to lock the front door. I had to drive back to the house. 2. The bear turned over the rotten log. Fat white grubs crawled in every direction. 3. Kevin had sent away for a set of tools. He changed his mind about spending the money. 4. Some people are allergic to wool. They buy only sweaters made from synthetic fibers. 5. An older woman in my typing class can type almost one hundred words a minute. She is having trouble landing a secretarial job. 6. The weather was cold and windy. Al brought a thick blanket to the football game. 7. Rita bit into the hard taffy. She broke a filling. By beginning with a special opening word or phrase: 1. The pelican scooped small fish into its baggy bill. It dipped into the waves. (-ing word) 2. Shirley signed the repair contract. She was reluctant. (-ly word) 3. The interns volunteered to work overtime. They wanted to improve their chances of promotion. (to word group) 4. The accused murderer grinned at the witnesses. He did this during the trial. (Prepositional phrase) 5. The vet's office was noisy and confusing. It was crowded with nervous pets. (-ed word) 6. Barry tried to find something worth watching. He flipped from channel to channel. (-ing word) By placing adjectives or verbs in a series 1. Jesse spun the basketball on one finger. He rolled it along his arms. He dribbled it between his legs. 2. The baby toddled across the rug. He picked up a button. He put the button in his mouth. 3. Water dribbled out of the tap. The water was brown. The water was foul-tasting. The tap was rusty. The tap was metal. 4. By 6 a.m. I had read the textbook chapter. I had taken notes on it. I had studied the notes. I had drunk eight cups of coffee. 5. The exterminator approached the wasps' nests hanging under the eaves. The nests were large. The nests were papery. The eaves were old. The eaves were wooden. 6. Reeds bordered the pond. The reeds were slim. The reeds were brown. The pond was green. The pond was stagnant. - 50 -