why i'm done trying to be “man enough”

whyi'mdonetryingtobe“manenough”Asanactor,Igetscriptsandit'smyjobtostayonscript,tosaymylinesandbringtolifeacharacterthatsomeoneelsewrote.Overthecourseofmycareer,I'vehadthegreathonorplayingsomeofthegreatestmalerolemodelseverrepresentedontelevision.Youmightrecognizemeas"MaleEscort#1.""PhotographerDateRapist,""ShirtlessDateRapist"fromtheaward-winning"SpringBreakSharkAttack.""ShirtlessMedicalStudent,""ShirtlessSteroid-UsingConMan"and,inmymostwell-knownrole,asRafael."ShirtlessMedicalStudent,""ShirtlessSteroid-UsingConMan"and,inmymostwell-knownrole,asRafael.Now,theserolesdon'trepresentthekindofmanIaminmyreallife,butthat'swhatIloveaboutacting.Igettoliveinsidecharactersverydifferentthanmyself.ButeverytimeIgotoneoftheseroles,Iwassurprised,becausemostofthemenIplayoozemachismo,charismaandpower,andwhenIlookinthemirror,that'sjustnothowIseemyself.ButitwashowHollywoodsawme,andovertime,InoticedaparallelbetweentherolesIwouldplayasamanbothon-screenandoff.I'vebeenpretendingtobeamanthatI'mnotmyentirelife.I'vebeenpretendingtobestrongwhenIfeltweak,confidentwhenIfeltinsecureandtoughwhenreallyIwashurting.IthinkforthemostpartI'vejustbeenkindofputtingonashow,butI'mtiredofperforming.AndIcantellyourightnowthatitisexhaustingtryingtobemanenoughforeveryoneallthetime.Now--right?Mybrotherheardthat.Now,foraslongasIcanremember,I'vebeentoldthekindofmanthatIshouldgrowuptobe.Asaboy,allIwantedwastobeacceptedandlikedbytheotherboys,butthatacceptancemeantIhadtoacquirethisalmostdisgustedviewofthefeminine,andsinceweweretoldthatfeminineistheoppositeofmasculine,Ieitherhadtorejectembodyinganyofthesequalitiesorfacerejectionmyself.Thisisthescriptthatwe'vebeengiven.Right?Girlsareweak,andboysarestrong.Thisiswhat'sbeingsubconsciouslycommunicatedtohundredsofmillionsofyoungboysandgirlsallovertheworld,justlikeitwaswithme.Well,Icameheretodaytosay,asamanthatthisiswrong,thisistoxic,andithastoend.Now,I'mnotheretogiveahistorylesson.Welikelyallknowhowwegothere,OK?ButI'mjustaguythatwokeupafter30yearsandrealizedthatIwaslivinginastateofconflict,conflictwithwhoIfeelIaminmycoreandconflictwithwhotheworldtellsmeasamanIshouldbe.ButIdon'thaveadesiretofitintothecurrentbrokendefinitionofmasculinity,becauseIdon'tjustwanttobeagoodman.Iwanttobeagoodhuman.AndIbelievetheonlywaythatcanhappenisifmenlearntonotonlyembracethequalitiesthatweweretoldarefeminineinourselvesbuttobewillingtostandup,tochampionandlearnfromthewomenwhoembodythem.Now,men--Iamnotsayingthateverythingwehavelearnedistoxic.OK?I'mnotsayingthere'sanythinginherentlywrongwithyouorme,andmen,I'mnotsayingwehavetostopbeingmen.Butweneedbalance,right?Weneedbalance,andtheonlywaythingswillchangeisifwetakearealhonestlookatthescriptsthathavebeenpasseddowntousfromgenerationtogenerationandtherolesthat,asmen,wechoosetotakeoninoureverydaylives.Sospeakingofscripts,thefirstscriptIevergotcamefrommydad.Mydadisawesome.He'sloving,he'skind,he'ssensitive,he'snurturing,he'shere.He'scrying.But,sorry,Dad,asakidIresentedhimforit,becauseIblamedhimformakingmesoft,whichwasn'twelcomedinthesmalltowninOregonthatwehadmovedto.BecausebeingsoftmeantthatIwasbullied.See,mydadwasn'ttraditionallymasculine,sohedidn'tteachmehowtousemyhands.Hedidn'tteachmehowtohunt,howtofight,youknow,manstuff.Insteadhetaughtmewhatheknew:thatbeingamanwasaboutsacrificeanddoingwhateveryoucantotakecareofandprovideforyourfamily.ButtherewasanotherroleIlearnedhowtoplayfrommydad,who,Idiscovered,learneditfromhisdad,astatesenatorwholaterinlifehadtoworknightsasajanitortosupporthisfamily,andhenevertoldasoul.Thatrolewastosufferinsecret.Andnowthreegenerationslater,Ifindmyselfplayingthatrole,too.Sowhycouldn'tmygrandfatherjustreachouttoanothermanandaskforhelp?Whydoesmydadtothisdaystillthinkhe'sgottodoitallonhisown?Iknowamanwhowouldratherdiethantellanothermanthatthey'rehurting.Butit'snotbecausewe'rejustall,like,strongsilenttypes.It'snot.Alotofusmenarereallygoodatmakingfriends,andtalking,justnotaboutanythingreal.Ifit'saboutworkorsportsorpoliticsorwomen,wehavenoproblemsharingouropinions,butifit'saboutourinsecuritiesorourstruggles,ourfearoffailure,thenit'salmostlikewebecomeparalyzed.Atleast,Ido.SosomeofthewaysthatIhavebeenpracticingbreakingfreeofthisbehaviorarebycreatingexperiencesthatforcemetobevulnerable.Soifthere'ssomethingI'mexperiencingshamearoundinmylife,Ipracticedivingstraightintoit,nomatterhowscaryitis--andsometimes,evenpublicly.BecausethenindoingsoItakeawayitspower,andmydisplayofvulnerabilitycaninsomecasesgiveothermenpermissiontodothesame.Asanexample,alittlewhileagoIwaswrestlingwithanissueinmylifethatIknewIneededtotalktomyguyfriendsabout,butIwassoparalyzedbyfearthattheywouldjudgemeandseemeasweakandIwouldlosemystandingasaleaderthatIknewIhadtotakethemoutoftownonathree-dayguystrip--Justtoopenup.Andguesswhat?Itwasn'tuntiltheendofthethirddaythatIfinallyfoundthestrengthtotalktothemaboutwhatIwasgoingthrough.ButwhenIdid,somethingamazinghappened.IrealizedthatIwasn'talone,becausemyguyshadalsobeenstruggling.AndassoonasIfoundthestrengthandthecouragetosharemyshame,itwasgone.Now,I'velearnedovertimethatifIwanttopracticevulnerability,thenIneedtobuildmyselfasystemofaccountability.SoI'vebeenreallyblessedasanactor.I'vebuiltareallywonderfulfanbase,really,reallysweetandengaged,andsoIdecidedtousemysocialplatformaskindofthisTrojanhorsewhereinIcouldcreateadailypracticeofauthenticityandvulnerability.Theresponsehasbeenincredible.It'sbeenaffirming,it'sbeenheartwarming.Igettonsofloveandpressandpositivemessagesdaily.Butit'sallfromacertaindemographic:women.Thisisreal.Whyareonlywomenfollowingme?Wherearethemen?Aboutayearago,Ipostedthisphoto.Now,afterwards,Iwasscrollingthroughsomeofthecomments,andInoticedthatoneofmyfemalefanshadtaggedherboyfriendinthepicture,andherboyfriendrespondedbysaying,"Pleasestoptaggingmeingayshit.Thx."Asifbeinggaymakesyoulessofaman,right?SoItookadeepbreath,andIresponded.Isaid,verypolitely,thatIwasjustcurious,becauseI'monanexplorationofmasculinity,andIwantedtoknowwhymyloveformywifequalifiedasgayshit.AndthenIsaid,honestlyIjustwantedtolearn.Now,heimmediatelywrotemeback.Ithoughthewasgoingtogooffonme,butinsteadheapologized.Hetoldmehow,growingup,publicdisplaysofaffectionwerelookeddownon.Hetoldmethathewaswrestlingandstrugglingwithhisego,andhowmuchhelovedhisgirlfriendandhowthankfulhewasforherpatience.Andthenafewweekslater,hemessagedmeagain.Thistimehesentmeaphotoofhimononekneeproposing.Andallhesaidwas,"Thankyou."I'vebeenthisguy.Igetit.See,publicly,hewasjustplayinghisrole,rejectingthefeminine,right?Butsecretlyhewaswaitingforpermissiontoexpresshimself,tobeseen,tobeheard,andallheneededwasanothermanholdinghimaccountableandcreatingasafespaceforhimtofeel,andthetransformationwasinstant.Ilovedthisexperience,becauseitshowedmethattransformationispossible,evenoverdirectmessages.SoIwantedtofigureouthowIcouldreachmoremen,butofcoursenoneofthemwerefollowingme.SoItriedanexperiment.Istartedpostingmorestereotypicallymasculinethings--Likemychallengingworkouts,mymealplans,myjourneytohealmybodyafteraninjury.Andguesswhathappened?Menstartedtowriteme.Andthen,outoftheblue,forthefirsttimeinmyentirecareer,amalefitnessmagazinecalledme,andtheysaidtheywantedtohonormeasoneoftheirgame-changers.Wasthatreallygame-changing?Orisitjustconforming?Andsee,that'stheproblem.It'stotallycoolformentofollowmewhenItalkaboutguystuffandIconformtogendernorms.ButifItalkabouthowmuchIlovemywifeormydaughterormy10-day-oldson,howIbelievethatmarriageischallengingbutbeautiful,orhowasamanIstrugglewithbodydysmorphia,orifIpromotegenderequality,thenonlythewomenshowup.Wherearethemen?Somen,men,men,men!Iunderstand.Growingup,wetendtochallengeeachother.We'vegottobethetoughest,thestrongest,thebravestmenthatwecanbe.Andformanyofus,myselfincluded,ouridentitiesarewrappedupinwhetherornotattheendofthedaywefeellikewe'remanenough.ButI'vegotachallengeforalltheguys,becausemenlovechallenges.Ichallengeyoutoseeifyoucanusethesamequalitiesthatyoufeelmakeyouamantogodeeperintoyourself.Yourstrength,yourbravery,yourtoughness:Canweredefinewhatthosemeanandusethemtoexploreourhearts?Areyoubraveenoughtobevulnerable?Toreachouttoanothermanwhenyouneedhelp?Todiveheadfirstintoyourshame?Areyoustrongenoughtobesensitive,tocrywhetheryouarehurtingoryou'rehappy,evenifitmakesyoulookweak?Areyouconfidentenoughtolistentothewomeninyourlife?Toheartheirideasandtheirsolutions?Toholdtheiranguishandactuallybelievethem,evenifwhatthey'resayingisagainstyou?Andwillyoubemanenoughtostanduptoothermenwhenyouhear"lockerroomtalk,"whenyouhearstoriesofsexualharassment?Whenyouhearyourboystalkingaboutgrabbingassorgettingherdrunk,willyouactuallystandupanddosomethingsothatonedaywedon'thavetoliveinaworldwhereawomanhastoriskeverythingandcomeforwardtosaythewords"metoo?"Thisisseriousstuff.I'vehadtotakeareal,honestlookatthewaysthatI'veunconsciouslybeenhurtingthewomeninmylife,andit'sugly.MywifetoldmethatIhadbeenactinginacertainwaythathurtherandnotcorrectingit.Basically,sometimeswhenshewouldgotospeak,athomeorinpublic,Iwouldjustcutheroffmid-sentenceandfinishherthoughtforher.It'sawful.TheworstpartwasthatIwascompletelyunawarewhenIwasdoingit.Itwasunconscious.SohereIamdoingmypart,tryingtobeafeminist,amplifyingthevoicesofwomenaroundtheworld,andyetathome,IamusingmyloudervoicetosilencethewomanIlovethemost.SoIhadtoaskmyselfatoughquestion:amImanenoughtojustshutthehellupandlisten?I'vegottobehonest.Iwishthatdidn'tgetanapplause.Guys,thisisreal.AndI'mjustscratchingthesurfacehere,becausethedeeperwego,theuglieritgets,Iguaranteeyou.Idon'thavetimetogetintopornandviolenceagainstwomenorthesplitofdomesticdutiesorthegenderpaygap.ButIbelievethatasmen,it'stimewestarttoseepastourprivilegeandrecognizethatwearenotjustpartoftheproblem.Fellas,wearetheproblem.Theglassceilingexistsbecauseweputitthere,andifwewanttobeapartofthesolution,thenwordsarenolongerenough.There'saquotethatIlovethatIgrewupwithfromtheBahá'íwritings.Itsaysthat"theworldofhumanityispossessedoftwowings,themaleandthefemale.Solongasthesetwowingsarenotequivalentinstrength,thebirdwillnotfly."Sowomen,onbehalfofmenallovertheworldwhofeelsimilartome,pleaseforgiveusforallthewaysthatwehavenotreliedonyourstrength.AndnowIwouldliketoaskyoutoformallyhelpus,becausewecannotdothisalone.Wearemen.We'regoingtomessup.We'regoingtosaythewrongthing.We'regoingtobetone-deaf.We'remorethanlikely,probably,goingtooffendyou.Butdon'tlosehope.We'reonlyherebecauseofyou,andlikeyou,asmen,weneedtostandupandbecomeyouralliesasyoufightagainstprettymucheverything.Weneedyourhelpincelebratingourvulnerabilityandbeingpatientwithusaswemakethisvery,verylongjourneyfromourheadstoourhearts.Andfinallytoparents:insteadofteachingourchildrentobebraveboysorprettygirls,canwemaybejustteachthemhowtobegoodhumans?Sobacktomydad.Growingup,yeah,likeeveryboy,Ihadmyfairshareofissues,butnowIrealizethatitwaseventhankstohissensitivityandemotionalintelligencethatIamabletostandhererightnowtalkingtoyouinthefirstplace.TheresentmentIhadformydadInowrealizehadnothingtodowithhim.Ithadeverythingtodowithmeandmylongingtobeacceptedandtoplayarolethatwasnevermeantforme.Sowhilemydadmayhavenottaughtmehowtousemyhands,hedidteachmehowtousemyheart,andtomethatmakeshimmoreamanthananything.