One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.Charles M. Schulz After The Wizard Of Oz I was typecast as a lion, and there aren't all that many parts for lions.Bert Lahr. Memory is like an orgasm. It's a lot better if you don't have to fake it.Seymore Cray (on virtual memory) Halloween is huge in my house and we really get into the spirits of things. Dee Snider. If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving. Henry Youngman. There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad.Salvador Dali Politics is the art of choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable. John Galbraith. In Australia, not reading poetry is the national pastime.Phyllis McGinley. When I was young I used to think that money was the most important thing in life. Now that I am old, I know it is.Oscar Wilde You don't have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time, well presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober!David Brent You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.Yogi Berra Seeing a murder on television... can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.Alfred Hitchcock Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.Mae West My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe.Jimmy Durante The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.Alfred Hitchcock. I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California. George W Bush Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.Victor Borge I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield. Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate.Ambrose Bierce Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.Woody Allen I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix. Dan Quayle Power means not having to respond. I don't know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but, by God, they terrify me.Duke of Wellington Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.George Bernard Shaw The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. Joan Rivers. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.Rita Rudner Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow.David Brent They told me that Gladstone read Homer for fun, which I thought served him right.Winston Churchill. I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.Woody Allen I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.Woody Allen Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.Laurence J. Peter An acquaintance is someone we know well enough to borrow from but not enough to lend to. Ambrose Bierce Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.John Benfield You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.Will Rogers If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.George Gobal. Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly. Ambrose Bierce. I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.Mark Twain I have been commissioned to write an autobiography and I would be grateful to any of your readers who could tell me what I was doing between 1960 and 1974.Jeffrey Bernard. An ambassador is a person who, having failed to secure an office from the people, is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.Ambrose Bierce A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.Yogi Berra Work is the curse of the drinking class. You go to your TV to turn your brain off. You go to the computer when you want to turn your brain on.Steve Jobs I like children - fried.W.C. Fields. There are no good girls gone wrong - just bad girls found out.Mae West Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.W. C. Fields The Book of Life begins with a man and a woman in a garden…It ends with Revelations.Oscar Wilde I work until beer o’clock.Stephen King On his 9 to 5 writing day, Time - 6 Oct 86 Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.Will Rogers The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. Albert Einstein. A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on.Sam Goldwyn I'm not cynical. Just experienced. Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty. Robert Frost. I wish you were a beer. Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss. Jim Murray. Jerry Lewis has been married twenty times. He gets married on a Tuesday, they find his wife dead in a swimming pool on Thursday. Maybe if you married someone who's old enough to swin next time, OK Jerry?Denis Leary I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.Dennis Miller O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.Saint Augustine O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.Saint Augustine Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.Groucho Marx I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!Will Rogers Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work.Will Rogers Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife. James H. Kabbler III. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.Marie Corelli I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.Tommy Cooper. The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.William Shakespeare Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.Benjamin Franklin It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge. Phyllis Diller. Software Engineering is that part of Computer Science which is too difficult for the Computer Scientist.F. L. Bauer Saint (n): A dead sinner revised and edited.Ambrose Bierce The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.Mark Twain When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.Peter O'Toole. Submitted by Jackie Fiorini If there was a clone of me, with my same looks and act, she would be my worst enemy.Jackie Fiorini As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.Albert Einstein One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. Jeffrey Bernard. Martyrdom: The only way a man can become famous without ability.Bernard Shaw What's another word for thesaurus?Steven Wright If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. Robert X. Cringely. Women have a much better time than men in this world. There are far more things forbidden to them.Oscar Wilde Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.Ed Gardner. There are lies, damned lies and statistics. Mark Twain. I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.Groucho Marx A good many young writers make the mistake of enclosing a stamped, self-addressed envelope, big enough for the manuscript to come back in. This is too much of a temptation to the editor.Ring Lardner He looked at foreign affairs through the wrong end of a municipal drainpipeOn Neville Chamberlain Winston Churchill One man's folly is another man's wife.Helen Rowland It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.George Burns 驾考宝典网 驾考宝典科目一 And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'Tommy Cooper Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, 'What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'.Steven Wright When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.George Burns I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.George Carlin I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse.Emo Philips It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.Woody Allen I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.Emo Philips A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.Spike Milligan My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.Emo Philips If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.Woody Allen I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.Woody Allen I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.Emo Philips I have an existential map. It has You are here written all over it.Steven Wright I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.Steven Wright New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.Emo Philips