2013年最新的冷笑话

2013年最新的冷笑话 1、听说朋友准备结婚了，我打电话先给他道喜。接电话的是他母亲，老太太高兴地说:“孩子大了，该结婚了～后来朋友接过电话，也无奈地 说:“孩子大了，该结婚了。 2、一妹纸,发表状态:“我做完手术了!” *丝:“疼不”,妹纸:“疼!” “现在不都无痛的么?” “滚,尼玛,我不是做人流!我是肛裂” *丝:“怎么 裂的啊…” “你管的着么,放屁撑裂的!” 3、現在的蚊子越來越有礼貌了，你跟他挥一挥手说拜拜，它非得亲你一口才走，整的我都不好意思了。 4、初二的某一天生物课，生物老实给我们介绍眼部结构，然后老师指着一个部位告诉我们这个地方叫眼肌，然后让我们跟着一起念。有一位同学反 应比较慢，等我们念完了，他跟着念出了鸡眼。然后呢?然后在办公室蹲了半天。 5、上学的时候老师给我们讲了个他的糗事:话说他第一次进一个班讲课的时候，边讲课边下地溜达，结果基本走到哪后面的同学都在议论些什么， 他以为是同学们对他有新鲜感，结果溜达了半节课，班级里有一个其他老师的孩子认识他，就偷偷给他写了个纸条:老师你裤门开了～～他顿时无地自容 了…… 6、一天，小和尚问师傅，人生的价值究竟是什么,他师傅笑而不语，从地上捡起了一块石头给他，说:你把这块石头拿到市场上去卖，无论别人出 多少你都不要卖。小和尚将信将疑的拿到了市场。。然后。。然后。。被城管打死了。。。 7、面馆…老板来碗削面…没面了…那来碗拉面，拉宽点…大妈，只能给你拉粗点…拉粗点。。。。粗点。。。。。 8、如果三国时有微博:董卓V:昨天我把貂蝉OOXX了，比老婆爽啊。 第二天，吕布转发并评论了该微博。 吕布V:我也把貂蝉OOXX了，确实比你老 婆爽啊 influence and the weak. In recent years, diversification of sources of rural middle school teachers, teachers ' professional qualities and also more uneven, and many young teachers lack expertise, competition consciousness and ability in the workplace also lead directly to the loss of students, affecting the social reputation of the school, to the construction and management of rural middle school teachers sounds the alarm. Therefore, in a certain sense, attention to professional growth of young teachers in middle schools in villages and towns, focus on the future development of rural middle school. According to yingde green Tang town middle school Township middle school young teachers professional development research subject research programme, we subject group in objective real, and science actual, and development need of principles, design survey questionnaire, full volume total 69 problem, main content is divided into three a part: first part: basic information second part: teachers professional development status, and is divided into eight a part: a, and teachers expertise and skills II, and teachers workload and burden three, and education resources and textbook using four, and research and teaching situation five, and The six teaching reflective behaviors of teachers, teachers ' learning and training in seven, teachers on the professional identity of eight, the leisure part teacher professional development of teachers through questionnaires, questionnaires, record computer processes such as statistical analysis, cost of the sky survey report. Second, the purpose of the investigation, methods and objects (a) the purpose of the survey the purpose of the survey is that real, comprehensive, fully understand our school (if there 9、根据我的分析研究，一个男人因为穷而找不到老婆的概率是百分之四十点七，而因为特别丑找不到老婆的概率则要低得多，为百分之六。像我这 样的男人要想提升自己找到老婆的概率只有把自己给毁容了才行，因为特别丑的女人找有钱老公的概率是百分之零，而找特别丑但还不是很穷的老公的 概率则是百分之百，把自己给毁容了可以提升自己被特别丑的女人找到的概率。结论:如果你不能提升自己找到老婆的概率，那么就提升老婆找到你的概 率。 10、有一吏人怕老婆，一天被妻打破了面皮，次日上堂，太守见面问之。吏谎说;“晚上乘凉被葡萄架倒下，故此刮破了。”太守不信说:“这一 定是被你妻打过了的，快差隶拿来严办。”不意大守夫人在后堂听到，大怒，抢出堂外。太守慌忙说:“你且暂退，我内衙的葡萄架也要倒了。” 11、 由于我长相有点出乎地球人的意料，但唱歌还凑活，上次去参加中国好声音，第一句唱出来，四位老师毫不犹豫的就转了过来，可是，可是， 当他们看到我就头也不回的转了回去，然后，就没有然后了………… 12、女:"一天最幸福的时刻就是下班后你骑自行车载着我到街角那边吃卤肉饭." 男:"说实话." 女:"你载我去吃卤肉饭." 男:"说实话." 女:"卤肉 饭....." 13、中国代表团访美在酒店吃饭，局长随地吐痰招邻座鄙视。 市长为不给国人丢脸，急中生智:八嘎～局长:哈依～邻桌的日本人很气愤，寻机报复，当街撒尿，被警察抓住，自称中国人。警察验血后说:你个死 骗子～你苯不超标铅不超标铬不超标三聚氰胺不超标,你敢说你是中国人, 14、请用一句话形容这个夏天很热。以下各种神回复:——大街上少了很多躺着装死和写粉笔字的人——出来逛街的都是生死之交——孩子刚脱离 父亲的呵护，就…挥发了——跑步不小心摔倒，诊断结果3度烧伤——尼玛，刚在超市买的鸡蛋半路被人撞了一下，摔出来的竟然全是荷包蛋——躺席子 上不翻身就沾锅了 influence and the weak. In recent years, diversification of sources of rural middle school teachers, teachers ' professional qualities and also more uneven, and many young teachers lack expertise, competition consciousness and ability in the workplace also lead directly to the loss of students, affecting the social reputation of the school, to the construction and management of rural middle school teachers sounds the alarm. Therefore, in a certain sense, attention to professional growth of young teachers in middle schools in villages and towns, focus on the future development of rural middle school. According to yingde green Tang town middle school Township middle school young teachers professional development research subject research programme, we subject group in objective real, and science actual, and development need of principles, design survey questionnaire, full volume total 69 problem, main content is divided into three a part: first part: basic information second part: teachers professional development status, and is divided into eight a part: a, and teachers expertise and skills II, and teachers workload and burden three, and education resources and textbook using four, and research and teaching situation five, and The six teaching reflective behaviors of teachers, teachers ' learning and training in seven, teachers on the professional identity of eight, the leisure part teacher professional development of teachers through questionnaires, questionnaires, record computer processes such as statistical analysis, cost of the sky survey report. Second, the purpose of the investigation, methods and objects (a) the purpose of the survey the purpose of the survey is that real, comprehensive, fully understand our school (if there 15、男孩见女孩愁眉不展，便安慰她道:“新年了，开心点。要不咱们把心里想的写在纸上，交给对方。”女孩点头。写完之后，男孩打开女孩的 纸条:我梦到考试不及格，好害怕。女孩打开男孩的纸条:祝你梦想成真。 16、“《康熙》现在真的很火啊，很多有影响力的大咖都争着抢着上康熙，因为只有上了康熙才能增加自己的曝光率，让全国人民都知道我～”想 到这里，鳌拜满足地提了提裤子，淫笑着走进了乾清宫，从里面反锁上了门。 17、#名言典故# 扁鹊见蔡桓公「为何放弃治疗」; 犹大卖主「警察叔叔就是这个人」; 烽火戏诸侯「哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈」; 指鹿为马「毫无PS痕迹 !」; 图穷匕现「我和小伙伴们都惊呆了」; 吴起杀妻「人干事?」; 梅德韦杰夫「普大!喜奔」; 歌唱家的李衙内「人奸不拆」。 influence and the weak. In recent years, diversification of sources of rural middle school teachers, teachers ' professional qualities and also more uneven, and many young teachers lack expertise, competition consciousness and ability in the workplace also lead directly to the loss of students, affecting the social reputation of the school, to the construction and management of rural middle school teachers sounds the alarm. Therefore, in a certain sense, attention to professional growth of young teachers in middle schools in villages and towns, focus on the future development of rural middle school. According to yingde green Tang town middle school Township middle school young teachers professional development research subject research programme, we subject group in objective real, and science actual, and development need of principles, design survey questionnaire, full volume total 69 problem, main content is divided into three a part: first part: basic information second part: teachers professional development status, and is divided into eight a part: a, and teachers expertise and skills II, and teachers workload and burden three, and education resources and textbook using four, and research and teaching situation five, and The six teaching reflective behaviors of teachers, teachers ' learning and training in seven, teachers on the professional identity of eight, the leisure part teacher professional development of teachers through questionnaires, questionnaires, record computer processes such as statistical analysis, cost of the sky survey report. Second, the purpose of the investigation, methods and objects (a) the purpose of the survey the purpose of the survey is that real, comprehensive, fully understand our school (if there 18、男人占有欲强，不是一件坏事，但千万别在众人面前暴露出来。女友和其他男孩说说笑笑，你就气得瞪眼睛、摆臭脸，只会风度尽失。正确做 法是:打断他们的谈话，对女友严肃而坚定地说:“你出来一下”，带她到走廊里，一把按到墙上，狠狠地吻她，而后在她耳畔低语:“对不起。我吃 醋了。”(仅限帅哥使用) 19、发现一个规律:现在女生心中四大男神，陈信宏、陈学东、柯震东、权志龙，名字发音都是以ong结尾的。以后判定男神有新指标，给儿子取名 也有方向了: 长得难看的都是ang结尾:郭德纲 潘长江 王宝强 杨臣刚 20、之前有个朋友借我钱去整容，整的挺成功的，我再也认不出是谁借我钱了。 21、小明是一名装潢工，他载着一扇门的时候掉到河里了。爬上来之后他正着急那门，这时河神拿着一扇银门问:「这时你掉的吗,」小明摇头。 河神又拿出一扇金门问:「这是你掉的吗,」小明擦擦眼泪，说:「我钢门掉了，你把它还给我就好。」河神笑着答应了，于是小明有了两个钢(肛) 门。 influence and the weak. In recent years, diversification of sources of rural middle school teachers, teachers ' professional qualities and also more uneven, and many young teachers lack expertise, competition consciousness and ability in the workplace also lead directly to the loss of students, affecting the social reputation of the school, to the construction and management of rural middle school teachers sounds the alarm. Therefore, in a certain sense, attention to professional growth of young teachers in middle schools in villages and towns, focus on the future development of rural middle school. According to yingde green Tang town middle school Township middle school young teachers professional development research subject research programme, we subject group in objective real, and science actual, and development need of principles, design survey questionnaire, full volume total 69 problem, main content is divided into three a part: first part: basic information second part: teachers professional development status, and is divided into eight a part: a, and teachers expertise and skills II, and teachers workload and burden three, and education resources and textbook using four, and research and teaching situation five, and The six teaching reflective behaviors of teachers, teachers ' learning and training in seven, teachers on the professional identity of eight, the leisure part teacher professional development of teachers through questionnaires, questionnaires, record computer processes such as statistical analysis, cost of the sky survey report. Second, the purpose of the investigation, methods and objects (a) the purpose of the survey the purpose of the survey is that real, comprehensive, fully understand our school (if there 22、很多人都听过这个乐观积极的残疾小男孩的故事，虽然只有八根手指，并且还患 有严重的脑积水，也不是他爹亲生的，但他依然坚强乐观的生 活着，感动了一代又一代青年小盆友。。。大头儿子 23、老外朋友问我傻B、牛B中“B”是什么意思。我告诉他，B是一个副词，形容很厉 influence and the weak. In recent years, diversification of sources of rural middle school teachers, teachers ' professional qualities and also more uneven, and many young teachers lack expertise, competition consciousness and ability in the workplace also lead directly to the loss of students, affecting the social reputation of the school, to the construction and management of rural middle school teachers sounds the alarm. Therefore, in a certain sense, attention to professional growth of young teachers in middle schools in villages and towns, focus on the future development of rural middle school. According to yingde green Tang town middle school Township middle school young teachers professional development research subject research programme, we subject group in objective real, and science actual, and development need of principles, design survey questionnaire, full volume total 69 problem, main content is divided into three a part: first part: basic information second part: teachers professional development status, and is divided into eight a part: a, and teachers expertise and skills II, and teachers workload and burden three, and education resources and textbook using four, and research and teaching situation five, and The six teaching reflective behaviors of teachers, teachers ' learning and training in seven, teachers on the professional identity of eight, the leisure part teacher professional development of teachers through questionnaires, questionnaires, record computer processes such as statistical analysis, cost of the sky survey report. Second, the purpose of the investigation, methods and objects (a) the purpose of the survey the purpose of the survey is that real, comprehensive, fully understand our school (if there 害，比如傻B就是“傻得很厉害”，牛B就是“牛得很厉害”， 装B就是“装得很厉害”。 所以下次你去中国朋友家吃饭，如果他妈妈烧的菜很好吃，你知道该怎么说了吧,——你妈B～ 24、“和女神在一起缠绵时最怕发生什么,”“醒了。” 25、 用颜文字是很有讲究的，做人也讲究个实诚。眼睛不够大的人就不要用“OwO”来卖萌了，骗谁呢，乖乖用“0w0”吧。 26、小侄子给他爸训哭了，我去安慰他“男孩子不能哭，不然长大了就找不到对象，找不到对象就没有老婆了”这熊孩子泪眼婆婆一抽一噎的望着 我说“好…好…好像你就有对象似的。好…好意思教训人。” 27、一姐们知道老公有三儿后没哭没闹,只是给孩子报了俩兴趣班,给自己办了两张美容卡,给两家老人又买了份意外保,自己买了 名牌包和衣服,她老公也并非超级有钱,这份开销不能拮据家人只能拮据小三,于是小三不满俩人不欢而散,这姐们事后只说了一句话:呵呵，和我比花钱 , 28、书中自有黄金屋，不是大款就伙夫。两情若是久长时，凑合过呗，还能离咋地。多情自古伤离别，只要撒种啥都往外结。南朝四百八十寺，七 天憋出六个字儿。衣带渐宽终不悔，还给寡妇挑过水。身无彩凤双飞翼，倪萍是我梦中情人，爱咋咋地～床前明月光，疑是地上霜，是我啊队长～别开 枪。 influence and the weak. In recent years, diversification of sources of rural middle school teachers, teachers ' professional qualities and also more uneven, and many young teachers lack expertise, competition consciousness and ability in the workplace also lead directly to the loss of students, affecting the social reputation of the school, to the construction and management of rural middle school teachers sounds the alarm. Therefore, in a certain sense, attention to professional growth of young teachers in middle schools in villages and towns, focus on the future development of rural middle school. According to yingde green Tang town middle school Township middle school young teachers professional development research subject research programme, we subject group in objective real, and science actual, and development need of principles, design survey questionnaire, full volume total 69 problem, main content is divided into three a part: first part: basic information second part: teachers professional development status, and is divided into eight a part: a, and teachers expertise and skills II, and teachers workload and burden three, and education resources and textbook using four, and research and teaching situation five, and The six teaching reflective behaviors of teachers, teachers ' learning and training in seven, teachers on the professional identity of eight, the leisure part teacher professional development of teachers through questionnaires, questionnaires, record computer processes such as statistical analysis, cost of the sky survey report. Second, the purpose of the investigation, methods and objects (a) the purpose of the survey the purpose of the survey is that real, comprehensive, fully understand our school (if there influence and the weak. In recent years, diversification of sources of rural middle school teachers, teachers ' professional qualities and also more uneven, and many young teachers lack expertise, competition consciousness and ability in the workplace also lead directly to the loss of students, affecting the social reputation of the school, to the construction and management of rural middle school teachers sounds the alarm. Therefore, in a certain sense, attention to professional growth of young teachers in middle schools in villages and towns, focus on the future development of rural middle school. According to yingde green Tang town middle school Township middle school young teachers professional development research subject research programme, we subject group in objective real, and science actual, and development need of principles, design survey questionnaire, full volume total 69 problem, main content is divided into three a part: first part: basic information second part: teachers professional development status, and is divided into eight a part: a, and teachers expertise and skills II, and teachers workload and burden three, and education resources and textbook using four, and research and teaching situation five, and The six teaching reflective behaviors of teachers, teachers ' learning and training in seven, teachers on the professional identity of eight, the leisure part teacher professional development of teachers through questionnaires, questionnaires, record computer processes such as statistical analysis, cost of the sky survey report. Second, the purpose of the investigation, methods and objects (a) the purpose of the survey the purpose of the survey is that real, comprehensive, fully understand our school (if there 29、在学校宿舍楼里半夜12点，夜深人静，四楼某脑残人士突然传出一声大吼:我家住在黄土高坡 ~~ 全楼无语中。。。 然后三楼某窗口悠悠的飘 出一句:你爸是你妈表哥 ~~~ 全楼沸腾了。。。 30、夏天特别适合相亲，相约去游泳，在水里游一圈，什么化妆品都没用，紧身衣也没用，美图软件也没用，各种三围尺寸肤质一目了然。如果觉 得合适就假装溺水，赶紧让对方人工呼吸。觉得不合适就说:我还不太会游泳，我去让教练教一会。然后看看教练是否合适。 来源 藕丝网www.ossoon.com influence and the weak. In recent years, diversification of sources of rural middle school teachers, teachers ' professional qualities and also more uneven, and many young teachers lack expertise, competition consciousness and ability in the workplace also lead directly to the loss of students, affecting the social reputation of the school, to the construction and management of rural middle school teachers sounds the alarm. Therefore, in a certain sense, attention to professional growth of young teachers in middle schools in villages and towns, focus on the future development of rural middle school. According to yingde green Tang town middle school Township middle school young teachers professional development research subject research programme, we subject group in objective real, and science actual, and development need of principles, design survey questionnaire, full volume total 69 problem, main content is divided into three a part: first part: basic information second part: teachers professional development status, and is divided into eight a part: a, and teachers expertise and skills II, and teachers workload and burden three, and education resources and textbook using four, and research and teaching situation five, and The six teaching reflective behaviors of teachers, teachers ' learning and training in seven, teachers on the professional identity of eight, the leisure part teacher professional development of teachers through questionnaires, questionnaires, record computer processes such as statistical analysis, cost of the sky survey report. Second, the purpose of the investigation, methods and objects (a) the purpose of the survey the purpose of the survey is that real, comprehensive, fully understand our school (if there