The Penis Monologues Meets The Vagina Monologues

The Penis Monologues Meets The Vagina Monologues 1 The Penis Monologues Meets The Vagina Monologues a short performance piece or play by Stephen Peace sweeping@mindspring.com ? to view other plays by Stephen Peace visit stephenpeace.homestead.com/index.html 2 MAN The title of this little performance piece is the ―Penis Monologues Meets The Vagina Monologues‖. ----And ―little piece‖ refers to a short play not, uh, you know, a little piece. (frowns, thinks) or maybe I should just call this ―When Privates Meet!‖ Stands at attention and salutes, then shrugs. No, I think I‘ll keep it Penis and Vagina. ------You‘ve probably noticed by now that there is just something less mysterious about a penis than there is about a vagina. Nods. I don‘t know, all the guys I knew when I was young liked running around with their penis hard and sticking out or bulging in their pants. It wasn‘t hard to get a guy to admit that it was hard, that is until he had to stand up in class or in front of some girl or worse yet, her parents. Those are the times that guys wished they had an on off switch. Flips a light switch and then points his finger down. Women just never had the same pleasure in having something to grab onto in public like a guy does. You still see some guys walking around in public playing with themselves. It‘s frowned on, but it just isn‘t as frowned on as if you saw a woman walking around playing with herself. Women‘s vaginas are harder to get to. That is what puts the mystique in vaginas. They don‘t stick out. Wait, wait, maybe I am ahead of all of you on this. (Holds up his hand) Wait, -- not like ahead, you know like the head of a penis, (smiles) some of you have got sick minds. – No, what I mean is that maybe a lot of you haven‘t even heard of The Vagina Monologues. (Looks) See, some of you haven‘t heard of The Vagina Monologues, and I can see you squirming in your seats. –You know that is one of the beauties of that play. You see The Vagina Monologues is a play about vaginas. – Kind of hard to grasp. –(smiles) there you go with your dirty minds. ---See, that is the point. If you talk about a word, then you find that the word loses some of the mystery or mystique of the words. Think about it. In your life you hear a lot of other words for vagina, rather than vagina. What word immediately comes to your mind? Slight pause. Yup, that‘s the word! We hear penis or dick a lot more than we hear vagina. I don‘t even think I knew what vagina meant until I was in high school, --- and it sure wasn‘t something that one 3 mentioned in public or in mixed company without getting your face slapped. And When I ran a free porn check on my computer, to see if there was any porn on it, the computer goes nuts and thinks that penis and vagina are dirty words. Shrugs. I think they are just normal words for parts of our bodies. –Is eyelid a dirty word? When I was young, I wondered about erections, but I had an older brother and his friends to show me theirs, and to tell me the mysteries of life. --You know the mysteries like women have babies from toilet seats; and the mystery thing, you know, the thing that babies came out of was somewhere near the butt and you sure didn‘t want to go near no butts, because that is where po poo comes from. I got what most young boys got about vaginas: a lot of bad information. I guess I didn‘t get a lot of good information, because I guess women also didn‘t have a lot of good information about their vaginas, and if they did, then they sure weren‘t going to tell a boy. That was also a long time ago where most men were the doctors and they probably grew up with the same information I had received. And from what I can tell of the doctors I have known sure weren‘t going to change their thinking. I didn‘t think having an erection was odd, basically because I had really become aware of my penis when I was about five. I remember vividly I had gone out on my grandmother‘s front porch. I got a hard on and I didn‘t know how to get rid of it, and I sure wasn‘t going back inside until it went away. (Smiles) But I must admit, I did like the sensation. I remember when I read that The Vagina Monologues Play was coming to my town I showed the article to a couple of different people. The guys when they read the words vagina jumped like they had been shot. The women squirmed and giggled. Or went, ―Oh My!‖ The article said in some western cities they even had to use a different name when they advertised, because the papers wouldn‘t print vagina. One intrepid female soul, one of my colleagues at work,--whose husband just happened to be out of town that night, went to see the Monologues. She came back a revolutionary. She said she later had a conversation with her mother about vaginas. It was the very first conversation she had ever had with her mother on any sex or sexual topics, ever. And you know, the woman and I talked about vaginas for over an hour. (whispers) And this was at work. 4 So, what is my point? Well, I guess it is that if we talk about something then we demystify it. And if we share our ideas and experiences, then we demystify the opposite sex. So, I think it is time that vaginas and penises meet out in the open. Just try and visualize it, vaginas and penises meeting out in the open. (smiles) You guys have got dirty minds. Some people have told me that I need to lengthen this monologue, make it longer. Smiles. I‘m not sure if they were going Freudian on me or not. When that is all you‘ve got, then that is all you‘ve got, as many a man will tell a woman. Standing Naked In The Big Game Bar A man moving slowly and walking kind of bow legged Enters the bar. He pauses and looks around the room. He sees the pink elephant sitting at a stool and sits one Seat away from it. A bartender comes up to him, wipes the bar in front of him and simultaneous speakes. BARTENDER What‘l ya have? MAN You got Killian‘s Red? BARTENDER Draft and bottle. MAN Draft. BARTENDER nods and walks away. The man looks at the elephant. MAN Come here often? 5 He then shrugs. You‘re not the talkative kind, huh? He smiles as the bartender returns with the drink. I see you‘ll let any kind in this bar. BARTENDER Huh? MAN I see you let pink stuffed elephants in this bar. BARTENDER I‘m just baby sitting him for a friend, that‘ll be $2.50. Man pulls out some bills and gives them to the Bartender. MAN Keep the change. BARTENDER nods, then walks away. The man takes a big sip of his beer. Then he looks at the elephant again. He raises his beer in a salute to the elephant. Here‘s to you my naked pink friend. He sips the beer. Then turns away from the elephant And to no one in particular speaks his thought out loud. Is there one among us who can, with grace and dignity, stand naked in the public square? He looks at the elephant. Oh excuse me, it was just a train of thought type thing. –You know me saying you were naked and then I just started thinking about what someone once asked me. ―Is there one among us who can, with grace and dignity, stand naked in the public square?‖ He nods. 6 Did you know, in the Middle East,before the days of the Ottoman Empire, if a person went parading down the street buck naked, any offense committed was on the part of anyone who looked, and not the person who was naked. —Interesting twist, huh? He drinks his beer. Is there one among us with grace and dignity is the real question? Stand naked, no, not today. They just cut my balls off, heck, I can barely sit. Actually, I shouldn‘t even be here. And I damned sure shouldn‘t be drinking any beer after taking a pain pill. But hey, you won‘t tell and I sure as hell won‘t tell. No, actually, the doctor barely missed cutting them off. I got a V job. He cut them other things right below my balls. He drinks. I‘m assuming you‘re a guy elephant, even if you are pink or whatever color that is. I think with elephants, especially stuffed ones, that you can be whatever sex I want you to be. He looks at the elephant confidingly. You see, you don‘t talk like this around chicks, about almost losing your manhood. Have you ever streaked? He looks at the elephant and raises his eyebrows. I know, I know, that is a dumb question, you streak everyday. I‘ve streaked. (drinks) Kind of liberating ain‘t it? I mean it must feel really good to not care what anyone thinks and to be sitting in a bar butt naked? I streaked when it was all the fad in college. It was fun the first night, and then it got perverted. My University even hit the news with a streaking parachutist. Then the second night all the towns‘ people and weirdoes came out. We were young, we were foolish and we were having fun. Then it got sick and the sickness killed the fun. Drinks and thinks. And on rape. --- What a switch, more of that train of thought stuff. I was thinking about sick, and naked, and girls, and rape just popped into my head. I once thought about it. I was drunk and stoned, and playing strip poker with several girls, and more guys. The guys were cheating, naturally, and everybody was almost naked, then 7 some guy started whispering that we ought to have some group sex (rape ?em I think was his quote). I will get naked in front of hundreds of people, but I ain‘t about to have group sex. Well, then my brain kicked in enough that I was pissed that the thought had even crossed my mind. I don‘t like being manipulated, and now, years later I realized that the whisperer was actually wanting to do it, but he wanted to create some pack mentality. I got up and left. I was really amazed that I was so out of control that I had even considered it. I quit smoking Weed about that time. Some consensual sex did occur, but I wondered what might have happened if I had stayed? Then I wonder about the responsibility of the girls who were near or pretty near naked in front of guys they barely knew? They should have known that guys only think about two things, dogs and cars—(that is when they are well past puberty) prior to that it is sex. Have you ever written anything and put a sex related title on it? I write, mostly plays but I do write other things. --Try it, it is like streaking. Especially if you put some sex related title on something you write.—You‘ll get a hell of a lot of attention and many perverts. But who isn‘t a pervert in someway, come on, don‘t you ever have some fantasy or thoughts? Then your mind kicks back in and that, along with society stops you. If you don‘t stop, then are you really a pervert? What is? Another train of thought, I was once accused of being a rapist, yup, that‘s a fact. Mistaken identity and all. I happen to be over 6 foot and have dark brown hair, and still got most of it thank you. But I matched a drawing a victim had given to police. I was out jogging and saw the wanted poster on a pole and went, ―Oh, Shit!‖ I would have turned me in I looked so much like the guy. He had brown hair and a beard, I had brown hair and a beard. By the time I got home a detective had left a message for me to call. I did and he asked me some questions about hair color and size. I told him and then he told me my past record was clean. They had done a complete background check on me. Again I said, ―Oh, Shit!‖ As it turned out the rapist was shorter and had sandy blond hair. I told the detective I hoped they caught the guy, and they did. They got the asshole and put him away. Rape is about control, violence and power. Read the book by Eldridge Cleaver called Soul On Ice if you don‘t believe me. Eldridge Cleaver was a serial rapist and landed in jail. Then he wrote his book and he was accepted by a lot of people, because, he had supposedly been driven to rape by white guys. To me he was a rapist who wrote a book. He finishes his drink. Well, little pink elephant guy, I‘ve finished my beer and enjoyed the talk. Hey, hey, have a nice day and please and please, please, I hope I didn‘t offend you, but hey, I know I left a lot of ―bullshit‖ to shoot at! You know one of the things about bullshit 8 is that it don‘t stick to you if you don‘t let it. And that is straight from the Zen Book On Bullshit!!! And, I was just reminded by a sharp shooting pain that I almost got my balls cut off today and I need to go home and take some more pain pills. He stands slowly. You know what they say? He adjusts his pants. Well at this moment it escapes me. He nods. But I did enjoy the beer and I enjoyed the company. But between you and me, Leans toward the elephant. If I ever come in here again and see you, then just act like we‘ve never seen each other before. --You know, guys ain‘t supposed to be carrying on conversations with stuffed animals. He nods and lights dim. Elephant disappears and bartender takes a seat. I was talking with this friend of mine, whom I hadn‘t seen in awhile and I was inquiring how things were going, and he replied. BARTENDER Okay. MAN Now that is a leading answer or a leading question, I don‘t know which, but I followed up. ---Is something going on? BARTENDER Well I‘m probably going to have a biopsy on my prostate. MAN Wow, hope it‘s nothing bad. 9 BARTENDER My doctor did a psa test and it came back a little high for my age. MAN Wow, it is amazing how a thing that you can‘t see can kill you. BARTENDER I hope not. I guess the prostate is something that men don‘t worry about until they get to a certain age and then they start dreading any talk about it. Men have just heard to many stories about out of whack or cancerous prostates. What worries men the most is that a doctor will treat it and then the man won‘t be able to have an erection. BARTENDER (groan) Oooh. I think, subconsciously, men would almost rather die than not be able to have an erection. Bartender nods, then stops and shrugs unsure. BARTENDER Shakespeare should have said ---―The prostate is the thing in which to catch the conscious of the king‖. MAN The best way I can describe a prostate, without getting medical, is, it is something that a guy has that a woman doesn‘t. BARTENDER Well, actually there are a few other things that are different if you haven‘t noticed? MAN nods. MAN --This ―thing‖ called the prostate, another friend of mine, with a colorful way of talking, calls it the ―prostrate‖. BARTENDER/NEW FRIEND Well, I had this prostrate ccheck up ?cause I was havin‘ trouble peeing. 10 MAN After listening to him talk about his ―prostrate‖ for a few minutes, I informed him that it was pros-tate, not pros-trate. BARTENDER / FRIEND (laughs) Well it should be prostrate, because if you don‘t check it then that is what it will do for you. It will prostrate you! Bartender laughs at his own joke. MAN That‘s his humor. --- Anyway, this ―thing‖ straddles the urethra or pee thing, and it sits way down inside but close to the ball thingies. The problem with it is that as a guys gets older it grows. Well, that squeezes the pee thing and makes it hard to pee. Older guys have to get up in the middle of the night and go pee. I used to think that was silly, until it happened to me. HE gets an uncomfortable look on his face. Then it‘s just a drag. Young guys know it is comming; they just tend to be in denial. Because they think FRIEND I‘m young and that just happens to old farts. MAN (to friend) Then one day they are a old fart. FRIEND (uncomfortable) Shit. MAN Another thing about the prostate that is irritating is that the stupid thing has a tendency to get cancer. BARTENDER –CANCER! MAN Cancer. BARTENDER has begun to walk nervously. BARTNDER Ugh, that is the big baddy that everybody hates. 11 MAN And if you are afraid of cancer the way to check on this little prostate thing is to have someone stick his or her finger up your butt and feel around. MAN makes a face. Hopefully, the person that sticks their finger up that –uh, place is a close friend of yours. BARTENDER Don‘t look at me. MAN Well, I ain‘t doing you neither. BARTENDER Well, get a doctor that‘s what they make the big bucks for. MAN I recently had a physical from a lady doctor. BARTENDER (surprised) You did? MAN nods. MAN I made the appointment with a HMO (Health Maintenance Organization) , and to get seen quickly, I normally take the first available doctor. This one was a lady. BARTENDER That could be embarrassing. MAN You know with guys one of the things they hate about physicals is the ―turn your head and cough thing‖. BARTENDER But the thought of a woman sticking her gloved finger up my--- MAN Well, I was mulling all of this over when the time came. I figured I was a guy and guys weren‘t supposed to be afraid of anything, so what do I care if a lady doctor is going to, you know up my, umm---then I thought, don‘t worry just drop your pants and turn around. Hey, it wasn‘t half bad. 12 BARTENDER It wasn‘t? BARTENDER Well at least a lady doctor has smaller fingers, what if you had some big guy with a catchers mit for hands? Yeah, yeah, you seen some doctors hands. They shoulda been boxers. Yeah, yeah, from now on I want a woman doctor with small hands. Lights dim and bartender exits. LIGHTS rise. MAN ATHLETES AND RAPE This is an interesting phenomenon that a lot of athletes think it is okay to rape a woman or sometimes many women. I wonder if it is just an American thing or is it a worldwide problem? I can tick off several different incidents just in my neck of the woods or things I know about. Three baseball players at the College I used to attend, which is a damned fine place called West Georgia, ―allegedly,‖ raped an unconscious female student. She was at their apartment drinking or something and then she passed out. They then thought it was their God given right, since they were baseball players to rape and sodomize the woman. And being the intellectual geniuses they are, they thought they would videotape the evidence; excuse me the incident for posterity. The girl didn‘t remember anything, since she was passed out, so how could she give permission for three different guys to stick their penises into her vagina and mouth. –It‘s gross isn‘t it? But the idiots taped it. No joke, they taped it and to show how masculine they were, they showed it to other people. ATHLETE walks out. What makes it eve stupider is that about three weeks earlier a similar incident happened at University of Georgia. Three athletes raped a woman, well actually two, she had at the beginning, consensual sex with one of the guys, and he being a fine fellow asked his friends. Leers at an imaginary prostrate woman. ATHLETE Hey, you want a piece of this bitch? MAN Hey, athletes believe in share and share alike. 13 ATHLETE It‘s called team work! MAN Yeah right, spell it! ATHLETE T-E-A-M, ---Hey, fuck you! MAN ---Then it turns out that one of the guys had sexually molested at least two other women at a junior college where he had attended. ATHLETE Hey, they were all lyin‘ bitches! MAN What‘s the story? Why do they think they are entitled to rape someone? ATHLETE Fuck you, I ain‘t raped nobody. MAN Don‘t you have classes or talks on date rape? ATHLETE I‘m a P.E. Major, that must be some other major! MAN Shouldn‘t you know that things like rape are wrong? ATHLETE Fuck you man, she‘s just a fuckin‘ bitch! MAN Someday you may be a father… ATHLETE (aside) Someday, fuck man. (smiles and holds up two fingers) Two girlfriends with two kids. MAN Well how would you feel if some jock with a sense of entitlement to sex, raped and sodomized your daughter? ATHLETE A sense of what? 14 MAN Entitlement. – He thinks it‘s his right ?cause he is an athlete. ATHLETE Ain’t never had no problems with bitches. MAN I don‘t get it, who would want to be with you? ATHLETE Fuck you! ATHLETE shoots the man a bird. Oh, and don‘t get me started on Mike Tyson, he is a perfect example of what is wrong with testosterone gone wild. ---But then, he gets paid very well, to be a rapist, ear biter and World Champion boxer. Oh, after thought and post script, and also after the trial of the three athletes who ―allegedly raped‖.the girl. --- Guess what? They all got away with it. One did not stand trial and the other two were found not guilty! ATHLETES (smiles) Lifes a bitch ain‘t it? ATHLETE walks off lights dim and man moves to New position. Lights rise. MAN And now a ―WORD ABOUT CIRCUMCISION‖. He winks. This is another word that makes grown men cringe. Talk with a man about circumcision if you don‘t believe me. Just walk up in the local bar or coffee shop and strike up a casual conversation with a guy about circumcisions and see if he doesn‘t get a funny look on his face. Smiles. You see, most men, at the thought or maybe even remembrance, --- that at sometime, some doctor had this sharp, dagger, razor like thing down near his penis is enough to raise goose bumps on their skin. And then, if you want to really get them, tell them to try and visualize that this mad doctor drug that razor sharp dagger around the poor little 15 defenseless penis in a circle, and blood was squirting out like a faucet all over the place, and that the poor little defenseless thing was trying to run, but that there was nowhere to hide, well, this is enough for grown men to cringe, some even faint,-- some have even been known to visit therapists over the matter. If you don‘t believe me, just ask a non- circumcised guy if it is something that he would do willingly? Inside the bar. MAN (describes) Man walks up to the bar. He walks to bar with the red elephant on stool. He looks at the red elephant. He nods to elephant. The elephant doesn‘t say anything. The Bartender walks up to the man. BARTENDER Whatt‘ll ya have? MAN A good Dog Wood pale ale of a good vintage would be nice? BARTENDER We got a great vintage bottled just last week. MAN That would do nicely. The bartender exits, the man diddles with His napkin and drums his fingers. The bartender returns with the bottle. MAN Can I have a glass? BARTENDER What‘s the matter, are you a sissy? MAN Now that is an interesting question. 16 Bartender shakes his head and exits. He promptly returns with a glass. BARTENDER Now, I guess you would like a napkin? MAN Yes, that would be nice. Bartender frowns and takes a wadded up Napkin out of his pants pocket and gets the wrinkles Out and places it on the counter. MAN Thank you. Bartender starts to leave. MAN Oh, excuse me? BARTENDER Now what do you want? MAN Can I ask you a question? BARTENDER Sure shoot. MAN Are you circumcised? BARTENDER (amazed) Say whut? MAN Are you circumcised? BARTENDER No, as a matter of fact, I‘m not and I‘ve always wanted to be open about it. As a matter of fact, do you know a good female doctor who does that kind of work? You know, possibly a plastic surgeon. I think a female doctor would do better work, because she has smaller hands. You know, maybe they would be gentler? I always get female doctors because of their hands. You know, that prostate exam is the pits. 17 HE nods. Oh, but I‘m getting off of the subject, we were talking about me getting a circumcision, we‘ll I would like a good doctor with plenty of references, Nods. or if they are a quack then I would want one that could add some length and maybe a little reinforcement, if you get my drift, because you know, I have noticed the little soldier kind of flagging a bit. The man looks at the bartender and doesn‘t speak. He takes money out of his pocket and throws it on the Counter. MAN Man are you a sick-o. HE storms out. The bartender picks up the money and takes away the beer, The napkin he folds backup and puts it in his pocket. He exits and man renters checking for the bartender. A good example of what might happen to a non-circumcised adult guy if he gets a circumcision is in the Bible. I am sure many of you know the story, but for them that don‘t I will tell you a rough estimation of the story. You see, the Hebrews, who were in tribes, met up with this other tribe of non-Hebrews called Gentiles, ---- and somehow the Hebrews talked the gentile guys into converting to becoming Hebrews. ---But, the deal was, that all of the men in this other tribe had to get circumcised. But, the Hebrews must have neglected to tell these other Gentile guys that this was something that they the Hebrew guys did just after they were born. (smiles) ----Just a slight glitch in their business presentation, I would think. So, the king of this gentile group or somebody agreed that this would be a good thing. Duh? In the meantime somebody had raped somebody, and somebody else had gotten mad.--- So, this somebody that had gotten mad decided to kill all the guys of this gentile group that was being circumcised, ---that, if you remember, were going to come over to the tribe. So, these guys that were circumcised had these little tents over their sliced up penises, and were also having fevers. ----Somebody slicing on my penis and me a full-grown man 18 would give me a fever. And this was in the days before pain killers, anesthetics and aspirin. Anyway, guess what happened? They killed all of the guys with the sliced up penises. DUH! And oh, there is this little fact that I forgot to tell you. My meat is intact. That‘s right, GENTILE Oh, and another thing, if you come near me with a knife, prepare to die! LIGHTS BEGIN TO Dim. Wait, wait, it ain‘t over! ---this is another post script type thing. WHERE YOU STAND DEPNEDS ON WHERE YOU SIT That is an old adage that I now believe in religiously. When I was a teenager I had one view about girls. Then when I got married I had another. Now that I‘m a dad, I can see the dad‘s point of view and I will not like some perverted boy with sex on his mind calling on my little girl. I been there, I know what they are capable of thinking and doing. Don‘t let them fool ya‘ they are all sex craved perverts. I know, ?cuse I was one, now I‘m kind a neutered. I was watching Ozzie Ozborne on TV. He‘s a hoot, but many already know that. He was sitting on a couch with his wife and daughter. (this is paraphrased a bit, can‘t remember exactly) The daughter says in her English accent, Kelly:―mom, you faarted.‖ Sharon: I didn‘t that came from down there. Kelly: From your vagina? Sharon: There you go with that crap talk. Ozzie(disgusted): We ought to just call you vagina mouth! MAN They were shocked by Kelly saying vagina! --- OZZIE OZBORNE WAS SHOCKED! WHY the BLEEP, Bleep, Bleep? I thought that was funny, my twenty year old daughter didn‘t. --She said she didn‘t like all of this vagina talk and didn‘t like the Vagina Monologues. I asked if she had read them or seen the play? She hadn‘t, she just didn‘t like talk like that. Man shrugs. 19 I think that is interesting. I would have thought she‘d been one that thought talking about vaginas was natural. She‘s a college student and they are usually way out there and like to shcok their parents.. ---But, what is natural? I was reading in Collin Campbell‘s book on Myth, --Kind of a boring book, unless you‘re into myth, but if you are, then its got everything you ever wanted to know about myths.! And he said that everything is related to myth. Let me repeat that again. everything is related to myth. Then that is the reason vagina‘s and penises aren‘t talked about in public places. –They are mythical and of mythical proportions. Looks down. Well, maybe not everything. So, I am getting close to the end of this performance ―piece‖ and I hope we all now have a better understanding of the penis and vagina. And so this is a challenge to all of you. A friend of me always like to challenge me to do things. A challenge is adult language for a kid‘s ―I double dog dare you‖. And so, I double dog dare you or challenge you all to go out into the world and talk with the next stranger you meet, in a meaningful way about –the ---uuh, you know, the you know and the –uh, you know the other thingie! T-h-e e-n-d. —Thank God!