To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This - The New York Times

ToFallinLoveWithAnyone,DoThis-TheNewYorkTimesSTYLEToFallinLoveWithAnyone,DoThisJAN.9,2015ModernLoveByMANDYLENCATRONUpdated,Feb.13,2015|Totrythe36questionsdescribedbelow,downloadourfreeappforyourphone,tabletorotherdevice.Morethan20yearsago,thepsychologistArthurAronsucceededinmakingtwostrangersfallinloveinhislaboratory.Lastsummer,Iappliedhistechniqueinmyownlife,whichishowIfoundmyselfstandingonabridgeatmidnight,staringintoaman’seyesforexactlyfourminutes.Letmeexplain.Earlierintheevening,thatmanhadsaid:“Isuspect,givenafewcommonalities,youcouldfallinlovewithanyone.Ifso,howdoyouchoosesomeone?”HewasauniversityacquaintanceIoccasionallyranintoattheclimbinggymandhadthought,“Whatif?”IhadgottenaglimpseintohisdaysonInstagram.Butthiswasthefirsttimewehadhungoutone-on-one.“Actually,psychologistshavetriedmakingpeoplefallinlove,”Isaid,rememberingDr.Aron’sstudy.“It’sfascinating.I’vealwayswantedtotryit.”IfirstreadaboutthestudywhenIwasinthemidstofabreakup.EachtimeIthoughtofleaving,myheartoverruledmybrain.Ifeltstuck.So,likeagoodacademic,Iturnedtoscience,hopingtherewasawaytolovesmarter.Iexplainedthestudytomyuniversityacquaintance.Aheterosexualmanandwomanenterthelabthroughseparatedoors.Theysitfacetofaceandansweraseriesofincreasinglypersonalquestions.Thentheystaresilentlyintoeachother’seyesforfourminutes.Themosttantalizingdetail:Sixmonthslater,twoparticipantsweremarried.Theyinvitedtheentirelabtotheceremony.“Let’stryit,”hesaid.Letmeacknowledgethewaysourexperimentalreadyfailstolineupwiththestudy.First,wewereinabar,notalab.Second,weweren’tstrangers.Notonlythat,butIseenowthatoneneithersuggestsnoragreestotryanexperimentdesignedtocreateromanticloveifoneisn’topentothishappening.IGoogledDr.Aron’squestions;thereare36.WespentthenexttwohourspassingmyiPhoneacrossthetable,alternatelyposingeachquestion.Theybeganinnocuously:“Wouldyouliketobefamous?Inwhatway?”And“Whendidyoulastsingtoyourself?Tosomeoneelse?”Buttheyquicklybecameprobing.Inresponsetotheprompt,“Namethreethingsyouandyourpartnerappeartohaveincommon,”helookedatmeandsaid,“Ithinkwe’rebothinterestedineachother.”IgrinnedandgulpedmybeerashelistedtwomorecommonalitiesIthenpromptlyforgot.Weexchangedstoriesaboutthelasttimeweeachcried,andconfessedtheonethingwe’dliketoaskafortuneteller.Weexplainedourrelationshipswithourmothers.Thequestionsremindedmeoftheinfamousboilingfrogexperimentinwhichthefrogdoesn’tfeelthewatergettinghotteruntilit’stoolate.Withus,becausethelevelofvulnerabilityincreasedgradually,Ididn’tnoticewehadenteredintimateterritoryuntilwewerealreadythere,aprocessthatcantypicallytakeweeksormonths.Ilikedlearningaboutmyselfthroughmyanswers,butIlikedlearningthingsabouthimevenmore.Thebar,whichwasemptywhenwearrived,hadfilledupbythetimewepausedforabathroombreak.Isataloneatourtable,awareofmysurroundingsforthefirsttimeinanhour,andwonderedifanyonehadbeenlisteningtoourconversation.Iftheyhad,Ihadn’tnoticed.AndIdidn’tnoticeasthecrowdthinnedandthenightgotlate.Weallhaveanarrativeofourselvesthatweofferuptostrangersandacquaintances,butDr.Aron’squestionsmakeitimpossibletorelyonthatnarrative.OurswasthekindofacceleratedintimacyIrememberedfromsummercamp,stayingupallnightwithanewfriend,exchangingthedetailsofourshortlives.At13,awayfromhomeforthefirsttime,itfeltnaturaltogettoknowsomeonequickly.Butrarelydoesadultlifepresentuswithsuchcircumstances.ThemomentsIfoundmostuncomfortablewerenotwhenIhadtomakeconfessionsaboutmyself,buthadtoventureopinionsaboutmypartner.Forexample:“Alternatesharingsomethingyouconsiderapositivecharacteristicofyourpartner,atotaloffiveitems”(Question22),and“Tellyourpartnerwhatyoulikeaboutthem;beveryhonestthistimesayingthingsyoumightnotsaytosomeoneyou’vejustmet”(Question28).MuchofDr.Aron’sresearchfocusesoncreatinginterpersonalcloseness.Inparticular,severalstudiesinvestigatethewaysweincorporateothersintooursenseofself.It’seasytoseehowthequestionsencouragewhattheycall“self-expansion.”Sayingthingslike,“Ilikeyourvoice,yourtasteinbeer,thewayallyourfriendsseemtoadmireyou,”makescertainpositivequalitiesbelongingtoonepersonexplicitlyvaluabletotheother.It’sastounding,really,tohearwhatsomeoneadmiresinyou.Idon’tknowwhywedon’tgoaroundthoughtfullycomplimentingoneanotherallthetime.Wefinishedatmidnight,takingfarlongerthanthe90minutesfortheoriginalstudy.Lookingaroundthebar,IfeltasifIhadjustwokenup.“Thatwasn’tsobad,”Isaid.“Definitelylessuncomfortablethanthestaringintoeachother’seyespartwouldbe.”Hehesitatedandasked.“Doyouthinkweshoulddothat,too?”“Here?”Ilookedaroundthebar.Itseemedtooweird,toopublic.“Wecouldstandonthebridge,”hesaid,turningtowardthewindow.ThenightwaswarmandIwaswide-awake.Wewalkedtothehighestpoint,thenturnedtofaceeachother.IfumbledwithmyphoneasIsetthetimer.“O.K.,”Isaid,inhalingsharply.“O.K.,”hesaid,smiling.I’veskiedsteepslopesandhungfromarockfacebyashortlengthofrope,butstaringintosomeone’seyesforfoursilentminuteswasoneofthemorethrillingandterrifyingexperiencesofmylife.Ispentthefirstcoupleofminutesjusttryingtobreatheproperly.Therewasalotofnervoussmilinguntil,eventually,wesettledin.Iknowtheeyesarethewindowstothesoulorwhatever,buttherealcruxofthemomentwasnotjustthatIwasreallyseeingsomeone,butthatIwasseeingsomeonereallyseeingme.OnceIembracedtheterrorofthisrealizationandgaveittimetosubside,Iarrivedsomewhereunexpected.Ifeltbrave,andinastateofwonder.Partofthatwonderwasatmyownvulnerabilityandpartwastheweirdkindofwonderyougetfromsayingawordoverandoveruntilitlosesitsmeaningandbecomeswhatitactuallyis:anassemblageofsounds.Soitwaswiththeeye,whichisnotawindowtoanythingbutratheraclumpofveryusefulcells.ThesentimentassociatedwiththeeyefellawayandIwasstruckbyitsastoundingbiologicalreality:thesphericalnatureoftheeyeball,thevisiblemusculatureoftheirisandthesmoothwetglassofthecornea.Itwasstrangeandexquisite.Whenthetimerbuzzed,Iwassurprised—andalittlerelieved.ButIalsofeltasenseofloss.AlreadyIwasbeginningtoseeoureveningthroughthesurrealandunreliablelensofretrospect.Mostofusthinkaboutloveassomethingthathappenstous.Wefall.Wegetcrushed.ButwhatIlikeaboutthisstudyishowitassumesthatloveisanaction.Itassumesthatwhatmatterstomypartnermatterstomebecausewehaveatleastthreethingsincommon,becausewehavecloserelationshipswithourmothers,andbecauseheletmelookathim.Iwonderedwhatwouldcomeofourinteraction.Ifnothingelse,Ithoughtitwouldmakeagoodstory.ButIseenowthatthestoryisn’taboutus;it’saboutwhatitmeanstobothertoknowsomeone,whichisreallyastoryaboutwhatitmeanstobeknown.It’strueyoucan’tchoosewholovesyou,althoughI’vespentyearshopingotherwise,andyoucan’tcreateromanticfeelingsbasedonconveniencealone.Sciencetellsusbiologymatters;ourpheromonesandhormonesdoalotofworkbehindthescenes.Butdespiteallthis,I’vebeguntothinkloveisamorepliablethingthanwemakeitouttobe.ArthurAron’sstudytaughtmethatit’spossible—simple,even—togeneratetrustandintimacy,thefeelingsloveneedstothrive.15-7-6ToFallinLoveWithAnyone,DoThis-TheNewYorkTimesYou’reprobablywonderingifheandIfellinlove.Well,wedid.Althoughit’shardtocreditthestudyentirely(itmayhavehappenedanyway),thestudydidgiveusawayintoarelationshipthatfeelsdeliberate.Wespentweeksintheintimatespacewecreatedthatnight,waitingtoseewhatitcouldbecome.Lovedidn’thappentous.We’reinlovebecauseweeachmadethechoicetobe.MandyLenCatronteacheswritingattheUniversityofBritishColumbiainVancouverandisworkingonabookaboutthedangersoflovestories.SignuptoreceiveourNYTLivingnewsletter,aweeklyroundupoflifestylenewsfromtheStyle,Travel,FoodandHomesectionsdeliveredtoyourinbox.AversionofthisarticleappearsinprintonJanuary11,2015,onpageST6oftheNewYorkeditionwiththeheadline:ToFallinLoveWithAnyone,DoThis.©2015TheNewYorkTimesCompanywww.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/modern-love-to-fall-in-love-with-anyone-do-this.html?_r=06/6