shine like the sun

shine like the sun 1. Blink Spock stood outside Starfleet Academy, watching the gentle waves in the gray water of the Bay. Behind him, cadets swarmed the Academy grounds in their scarlet uniforms. They gave him a wide berth, their sea of red ending a respectful distance away from the tall figure in instructor black. He was far too disciplined to shiver in the cool breeze, but internally he acknowledged that San Francisco would never feel warm enough. Although the day would pass for "sunny" by the standards of the city, the feeble rays of Earth's star paled in comparison to the fiery blaze of Vulcan's sun. He did not regret choosing Starfleet over the Vulcan Science Academy. But his beloved desert sun had been the price he'd had to pay for this self-imposed exile from Vulcan's warmth. His internal clock told him that only twelve minutes remained before he was expected to oversee another cadet attempt the Kobayashi Maru. Attempt being the operative word; the cadet would fail, as had all previous cadets. Nevertheless, it was time to go. He strolled away, leaving the chill air of San Francisco for the equally chill air of the Academy. ***** "How the hell did that kid beat your test?" Spock's gaze, like the other Starfleet instructors', was riveted on the examinee, slicing through the thin glass separating the instructors from the simulation chamber. Below, on the simulation bridge where the Kobayashi Maru exam was administered, Spock could see the disbelieving expression on Nyota's face as she stared at the test taker; the "kid" the other instructor referred to, a human male named James Tiberius Kirk. Cadet Kirk smirked smugly up at the group of his instructors - the most elite minds in all of Starfleet. He was flagrant in his disrespect. He had flaunted his derision for the Kobayshi Maru during the test, and now, having somehow achieved the test's objective, Kirk had the gall to smirk at them, so full of smug pride that his cheeks were flushed pink with his triumph. Flecks of apple still dotted the cadet's chin. Spock could not recall seeing such a self-satisfied expression since his meeting with the Vulcan Science Academy years before. "I do not know," he said, his voice devoid of emotion. ***** "This session has been called to resolve a troubling matter. James T. Kirk, step forward." As the administrator had requested, Cadet Kirk walked to the front of the packed auditorium. Spock watched, noting a vague sense of satisfaction in himself at the confused, apprehensive look on Kirk's face. He was certain his satisfaction at Cadet Kirk's reprimand was not an emotion; not due to any sense of self-righteousness or vengeance. Spock simply believed in rules, and he experienced satisfaction when those who circumvented rules were made to account for their actions. "Cadet Kirk, evidence has been submitted to this council suggesting that you violated the ethical code of conduct pursuant to regulation 17.43 of the Starfleet code. Is there anything you care to say before we begin?" Kirk bent to the microphone. "I believe I have the right to face my accuser directly?" Spock had anticipated Kirk's request. He had done some research on the cadet when bringing the action against Kirk, and he suspected that the human, who was both intelligent and exceptionally aesthetically pleasing for his species, was unaccustomed to being challenged for his willful disobedience. Had he not been a Vulcan, Spock might have taken a perverse pleasure in being the one who, in Earth vernacular, put Kirk in his place. He stood. "Step forward please," the administrator requested. Spock walked to the front. Earth's lighter gravity lent an ease and grace to his physical movements that humans could not hope to match. He was aware that all eyes were on him. Especially Kirk's; which Spock could see, even from a distance, were preternaturally blue. "This is Commander Spock," the administrator said, as Spock took his place at a podium opposite Kirk. "He is one of our most distinguished graduates. He's programmed the Kobayashi Maru exam for the last 4 years." The administrator nodded very respectfully at Spock. "Commander." Spock assumed control of the hearing, and addressed Kirk directly. "Cadet Kirk, you somehow managed to install and activate a subroutine in the programming code, thereby changing the conditions of the test." "Your point being?" Kirk was being belligerent, and deliberately obtuse. Very well. Spock would spell it out for him in small words he could understand. "In academic vernacular - you cheated." There was a shocked murmur in the crowd. But far from being intimidated by Spock's accusation, the cadet seemed unimpressed. "Let me ask you something I think we all know the answer to. The test itself is a cheat, isn't it? You programmed it to be unwinnable." Spock was momentarily surprised - although he did not allow it to show on his face. He had not anticipated this insight. Still, Kirk's insight had only taken him halfway to understanding the test. "Your argument precludes the existence of a no-win scenario." "I don't believe in no-win scenarios." "Then not only did you violate the rules, you also failed to understand the principle lesson." "Please, enlighten me." Such flagrant disrespect for a superior officer. Spock did not approve. He did not approve of anything he had learned of the cadet to date. Reading Kirk's file had been morbidly fascinating. Kirk had been a model student and child up until age nine - at which point he'd had his first run-in with the law, when he'd driven his stepfather's antique car off a cliff at a speed far exceeding the legal limit. His record contained a few more incidents in the subsequent years - although briefly going completely blank around 13, almost as if Kirk hadn't existed at that age. At 14, Kirk's record exploded with offenses. He'd become a criminal; a repeat offender and a juvenile delinquent who served multiple stints in jail. He attended no schooling; showing up only on the last day of class to pass the exam required to continue to the next level. He'd been in the hospital repeatedly since childhood, requiring treatment for broken bones and bruises. He had a taste, it seemed, for fighting. And of course, for women. Nyota had told him everything of Kirk's well-known reputation among the females of the Academy: of his blatant womanizing; his continuous attempts to engage Nyota in intercourse; and his manipulations of her Orion roommate, Cadet Gaila. The cadet's deplorable character would prove a disgrace to Starfleet if he were ever allowed onto the bridge of a Starship. Spock's test was designed, in part, to keep people like Kirk from ever achieving that role. Spock decided on an explanation of his test that would penetrate even James Kirk's thick skull. "You of all people should know, Cadet Kirk: a captain cannot cheat death." There was a scandalized rumble from the crowd. "I of all people?" Kirk repeated, his fingers tightening their grip on the podium until his knuckles were white. "Your father, Lietenant George Kirk, assumed command of his vessel before being killed in action, did he not?" Spock spoke dispassionately, but he knew his words would likely incite an emotional response in Kirk. It was a failing of humans that they allowed themselves to be controlled by their passions. It would not be Spock's fault if Kirk let himself be goaded into anger by a simple explanation. The muscles in Kirk's jaw worked for a moment, but admirably, he didn't lose his temper. "I don't think you like the fact that I beat your test," he said insolently. Kirk's tone was rude enough that Spock could have disciplined him further, but Spock let it pass. As the cadet was clearly unaware, Vulcans were quite above liking or disliking things. Spock continued. "Furthermore, you have failed to define the purpose of the test." "Enlighten me again," Kirk said shortly. "The purpose to experience fear," Spock said serenely, although he himself, of course, did not experience the emotion of fear. "Fear in the face of certain death. To accept that fear and maintain control of oneself and one's crew. This is a quality expected in every Starfleet captain." There was a sudden interruption. "Excuse me, sir." Spock watched as a runner took the message to the present officers. It would be gratifying, Spock acknowledged, to finish Kirk's hearing, which Spock predicted would continue no longer than 4.457 Earth minutes. Cadet Kirk would no doubt be expelled from Starfleet for cheating, and the probability that Spock would ever have see him again would be reduced to less than 3.721%. He closed his eyes to blink - ***** "Spock, come man! Wake up, you stupid hobgoblin - if you don't make on it, Jim will kill of us - " both A loud voice, highly emotional and accented like those from the southern United States on Earth, nearly burst Spock's delicate eardrums. Spock opened his eyes. They immediately widened in shock. He was on a bed in what appeared to be a starship sickbay. A human male in a Starfleet medical uniform was bent over him. There was an excruciating pounding in his brain. Spock was much too disciplined to wince, but the headache was the worst he had ever experienced. Seeing Spock's open eyes, the stranger whooped loudly. "Thatta boy, Spock!" He turned and called over his shoulder. "Chapel! Damn Vulcan finally woke! Get Jim down here right away!" There was a pleased exclamation from a female. The man turned back with a smile, and clapped Spock on the arm. Spock was about to protest the touch - but he was too surprised by the emotions the touch transferred to speak. The stranger was genuinely relieved that Spock was alive. Happy, even. Spock tried to think around the pounding in his head. His telepathic shields were down, which implied injury. He must have had an accident at the hearing and been taken to a ship for treatment. Unusual procedure, to be sure, but it was the most likely explanation. Strange that he could not remember any accident. "I assume you are an actual Starfleet doctor?" he asked acerbically, motioning to the uniform. "And not simply a purveyor of snake oil and trinkets?" The human bristled. "Dammit, Spock, you know I - " Spock held up a hand. "Just tell me why I am in a starship sickbay. Succinctly, if you please." The man rolled his eyes. "Jimmy's gonna owe me big for putting up with you." "My explanation, Doctor..." Spock trailed off expectantly, waiting for the stranger to fill in his name. The doctor was involved in a PADD and didn't seem to notice. "You fell and knocked your head when the ship got hit. I tell ya, none of us expected " so much phaser power from those poachers - "Poachers?" Spock repeated in confusion, the first stirrings of true misgiving in his mind. The doctor looked up. "Don't you worry none," he said reassuringly. "Jim destroyed them. Nothing but space dust left. Between you and me, I don't think anyone's gonna be in a hurry to come after you again. Not now that they've seen what Jim'll do to them." The doctor went back to his PADD. Spock stared at him. He had apparently gravely misinterpreted the situation. His aching head seized on the thing that had jumped out most at him. "Who is Jim?" The doctor went deathly still. A moment later, he looked up, his face pale. "Good God, man," he said, his honeyed southern drawl slightly hoarse. "You don't remember who - " "Spock!" A handsome man with a muscular build and dark blonde hair suddenly burst into the room. Spock recognized him instantly. Cadet James Kirk. Spock opened his mouth to speak - but human arms were suddenly tight around his neck. "Spock," Kirk whispered, pressing his face against Spock's cheek. The clinical part of Spock registered that the human's eyelashes were damp, but the observation was immediately washed away by the wave of Kirk's emotions. Pouring into his unshielded mind through Kirk's skin were the emotions flooding Kirk: relief, delight, love, devotion, and a thousand other human feelings of joy. If the doctor had felt genuine happiness that Spock was alive, Spock's life seemed to give Kirk a reason to live. The sensation of so much human love was exquisite. Spock wanted to soak it in, drown in its strength, lose himself completely. His touch telepathy roared to life as never before; demanding more; shocking Spock with its hunger for Kirk. He had never before so powerfully experienced another being, except - Except during a mind meld. With a flash of understanding, Spock realized the emotions weren't just coming through Kirk's touch. They were streaming directly into Spock's mind, into the exact spot where Spock had previously possessed a marriage bond to T'Pring. Theirs had been the weakest mental link, heavily shielded and blocked on both ends by their mutual desire to have as little to do with each other as possible. That link, his marriage bond to T'Pring, was gone without a trace. bond. And James Kirk's In its place was a new bond. A breathtakingly strong emotions were streaming into Spock through it, like a bright ray of brilliant sunshine piercing through the clouds on a rainy San Francisco day. There could be no doubt. They were bonded. Cadet James Kirk was now his bondmate. Spock's eyes suddenly widened in horror. Cadet James Kirk. The cheating, promiscuous criminal from the hearing. Was his bondmate. And as if he had been doused with freezing ice water, all of Spock's pleasure from the link was gone. In its place was cold fury. "Remove yourself from me at once," he spat. Kirk flinched. A spike of bewildered hurt came through their bond. "Spock?" Angry at what he now decided was the pollution of Kirk's emotions, too furious to touch Kirk a second more, Spock shoved Kirk off him - a little harder than he'd meant to. Kirk stumbled backwards from the force, hitting the wall with a painful thud. "Hey now!" the doctor said sharply, coming forward. "What the hell do you - " "How did you do it, Cadet?" Spock hissed. The accident, the shock, the injury - Spock's control over himself was shredded. The thought that he was bonded to this criminal eroded any logic that tried to remain. Disgust, - these emotions and more battered down the last of loathing, repulsion Spock's shields and filled his being. "How did you bond us?" Kirk's eyes - and even in his anger, Spock found them striking - were wide. "What?" he said helplessly. He was clutching the wall, as if he needed the help to stand. The doctor was suddenly between them, as if to protect Kirk from Spock. "What's the last thing you remember?" he demanded of Spock. Spock jerked his head in Kirk's direction. "This cadet's trial for his contemptible attempt to cheat on his Kobayashi Maru." The doctor blanched. Behind him, Kirk went white as a sheet. Through their bond, Spock felt the spike of Kirk's distress. It was disgusting, he now thought, having this loathsome human's touch in his own mind. Like sewage dumped in a pristine lake, or white sands befouled with vile refuse, Kirk's feelings were dirtying the orderly plains of his own mind. There was a terrible rush of pain from Kirk. Spock thought he might vomit if Kirk couldn't keep his emotions to himself. "Shield your mind, Cadet Kirk," he snarled. There was a broken sound from Kirk. "I - I don't know what that means - " And suddenly, Spock realized that he himself was not shielded. Kirk could feel exactly what Spock felt. Every emotion Spock was experiencing was being broadcast directly into Kirk's mind through their bond. Enraged at the invasion of his privacy, Spock slammed down his mental shields as hard as he could - so hard that Kirk winced in physical pain. His knees buckled, and he started to slip down the wall. "Jim!" The doctor grabbed Kirk by the upper arm, holding him up. "Get out, both of you," Spock snapped. "My controls are breaking. I must center myself with meditation immediately. I must be alone." The doctor looked apoplectic. "Now you listen here - " "Leave," Spock ground out through clenched teeth. "Unless you wish the full wrath of an uncontrolled Vulcan to descend upon you." The southern doctor looked like he was ready for a fight - but Kirk suddenly broke away from the doctor's grasp. "Let's go," he said, his voice choked. "But Jim - " "Give him whatever he wants, Bones." And Kirk was gone. With one last glare at Spock, the doctor chased after him. Spock rose, locked the door and shuttered the window. With privacy at last, he closed his eyes. ***** 2. Liar Spock walked onto the bridge of the Enterprise, his spine ramrod straight, his hands clasped tightly behind his back. The crew respectfully averted their eyes as he entered. Too respectfully. They'd clearly been briefed on Spock's amnesia. As Spock passed Kirk in the Captain's chair, heading to his own station on the bridge, he heard Kirk swallow. Kirk's jumbled emotions - too jumbled for Spock to instantly read, and he couldn't be bothered to parse them out - reached Spock through their bond. "Welcome back, Commander." Kirk's voice was perfectly professional. Only Spock, with a private line straight into Kirk's emotions, would have been aware of the turmoil that Kirk was feeling. Spock ignored him. Taking a seat at his station, he turned and offered Nyota, who was seated at the station on his right, a cordial nod. "Lieutenant," he said, with what was, for him, warmth. "May I offer my congratulations on your involvement in the Narada incident, and on your promotion to the position of Communications Officer." Nyota looked a little awkward. "So you read all the files I sent you?" she asked. "You're updated on everything that's happened in the last year?" After a long meditation, Spock had spent hours reading everything he could get his hands on. "Yes. I believe I am now aware of all pertinent events that have occurred in the eleven months, two weeks, four days, sixteen hours and twenty minutes since my last memory." Nyota nodded slowly. "I'm so sorry about your mother," she said softly. The simple phrase threatened Spock's composure more than he wanted to admit. Meditation had revealed that his self-control was affected by the amnesia. The injury to his brain sorely strained his ability to keep his own powerful emotions in check. In part, he blamed Kirk as well; for subjecting Spock to the constant onslaught of Kirk's feelings. Kirk was struggling to deal with Spock's amnesia and, in Spock's opinion, not doing very well. For over twenty-four hours now, it had felt as if Spock had an injured sehlat in his mind, whimpering for his attention. But Spock's mind, and his logical discipline, were strong. He would deal with the injury, and would ignore Kirk's mental presence. "Kadiith," he said simply, knowing Nyota would understand the Vulcan saying. What is, . It was a tragedy, as was the loss of Vulcan, but Spock would not yield is to grief or anger. Nyota hesitated. "You know," she began. "I don't know what you read, but Kirk was really the one who - " "I am not eager to discuss the merits of Captain Kirk." Spock had read the now-Admiral Pike's account. He knew exactly what Kirk had done, down to the reason why Kirk was seated in the Captain's chair and Spock remained First Officer. He simply could not fathom why he had returned to the Enterprise after the Narada incident. From what he had read, Kirk had done nothing to warrant Spock's loyalty. Logically, Spock should have gone to New Vulcan to help his people. Nyota looked like she was going to press the issue of Kirk. But then there was a small beep, and she immediately turned her attention back to her station, the consummate professional. Spock continued to gaze in her direction as she worked. He had found her an exceptional being at the Academy; beautiful, obviously, but also brilliant. Spock's position as her teacher, not to mention his engagement to T'Pring, had prevented him from pursuing a relationship with her. It had not prevented the occasional thought that perhaps, if they were both Fleet officers and he had no bond to T'Pring, he would like to approach her as a mate. "Mr. Spock?" Spock briefly closed his eyes, suppressing the tide of emotions that rose up. Even the mere sound of Kirk's voice threatened his control. Turning in his chair, he swiveled to find Kirk standing on his left side. He raised an eyebrow; demanding an explanation for the interruption while offering no words. "Nice to have you back on the bridge," Kirk said easily. Spock was grudgingly impressed. Kirk's bearing, his casual and friendly manner of speaking, his pleasant attitude - it all suggested that he was perfectly functional. Anyone seeing their exchange would think Kirk at the height of personal comfort. Spock, however, was the direct recipient of Kirk's emotions, which still streamed unchecked into him. Kirk was a mess inside - a miserable ball of unpleasant emotion. But no one but Spock would ever know. He continued to stare at Kirk with a raised eyebrow, waiting for him to say something worth responding to. "You're still shielding from me," Kirk suddenly blurted. "Indeed," Spock said flatly. "And I have no intentions of unshielding. I value my privacy." "Oh." The word was said neutrally enough. Inside, however, Spock could feel Kirk fighting dismay. "You - uh - get caught up?" Kirk asked, accompanied by a spike of concern for Spock that momentarily override Kirk's other emotions. "On everything relevant," Spock said, with customary coolness, referring to the reading he had completed. Kirk winced. "But we haven't talked at all." Spock was momentarily thrown by the seeming non-sequitur. Then he realized that Kirk had taken his statement to imply that discussion of their bond was not important or relevant to Spock. That was not accurate, but Spock didn't bother to correct him. "Do you require a conversation at this time? We are on duty. Captain," he added coldly. Kirk seemed to falter. "I - " Spock waited. After a moment, Kirk shook his head, and returned to his chair. A staccato of self-doubt beat its way down the bond. Self-doubt, Spock thought, was preferable to the cockiness Kirk no doubt normally exuded. Yet again, he wondered why he had ever consented to a bond. The only person who could really tell him would be Kirk - and based on what he knew of Kirk's character, Spock did not trust Kirk to tell the truth. For now, then, Spock could only speculate. Maybe so we could touch him when we want, his mind suggested. A possibility. Though it irritated him, Spock had to acknowledge that touching Kirk had made his telepathy sing. For those few seconds before he realized who he was bonded to, Spock had felt like a child discovering his telepathy for the first time. Ironic that such a Vulcan biological trait would so thoroughly awaken only to the touch of a human. Perhaps he had found himself without a bondmate at T'Pring's death, and allowed Kirk's enticing touch to cloud his mind as some allowed his pretty face to cloud theirs. This explanation for the bond merited further examination. Spock turned back to his station only to find Nyota staring at him. "Yes, Lieutenant?" "Do you have to be such a dick to him?" Spock blinked. "How curious that you now rise to his defense," he said. "In my last memory, you rather despised him yourself." "I was wrong about him," Nyota said defensively. "I'm not too proud to admit it. He's a good guy." "Do good guys typically persist in requesting intercourse from women long after they have refused?" Nyota bristled. "You're twisting things. It wasn't ever like that with us." "I submit that it was. You despised him with good reason." She shook her head stubbornly. "He's a good guy and a great captain." Spock was surprised that such a level-headed woman had fallen victim to Kirk's wiles. "Human memory is a fickle thing," Spock said carefully. "And James Kirk is a master manipulator. No doubt he has wormed his way into the good graces of this ship, causing all aboard to view him much more positively than he deserves." Her eyes narrowed angrily. "His crew adores him. With good reason. And " if you would just - A burst of static came from her station. Nyota hastened to deal with it. Then Spock's console beeped, and they were too busy with duties to speak again for the rest of their shift. ***** After Alpha shift had ended, Spock joined the others in the mess for dinner. Accustomed to eating human vegetarian food under Captain Pike, he was surprised to find that the replicators now held several of his preferred Vulcan dishes. Getting a bowl of plomeek soup, he carried it to the table where Nyota sat with the female from sickbay, Nurse Chapel. "May I join you?" Nyota's gaze flicked to a nearby table, where Kirk sat alone, an untouched tray in front of him. "Why don't you sit with Kirk?" "Because I have no desire to," Spock explained easily. A jab of hurt flowed down the bond, and Spock knew Kirk had heard him. But it was hardly his fault if Kirk was eavesdropping. Nyota pursed her lips, and grudgingly moved her tray, clearing space for Spock. Spock shot a look at Chapel, having hoped he could continue his private conversation with Nyota. Chapel seemed to get the hint. "Well, I better be getting back to sickbay," she said apologetically to Nyota. "See you later?" They exchanged a quick hug and fond smiles. "Your head alright, Mr. Spock?" "It is adequate," Spock replied brusquely, as he sat across from Nyota. Once Chapel had gone, Spock decided to broach another subject that had been puzzling him. "In my last memory, you and I were quite close," he said, cocking his head to one side. "None of my reading materials explained why, when my previous bond was broken and we were both officers, we did not begin a relationship." Nyota shot another look at Kirk, who was sitting very stiffly at his table. "We did try," she said. "It didn't work out." "Why not?" Spock persisted. "You must know I was very impressed by you." Bitter jealousy was flooding into Spock's head from Kirk. Spock tried as best he could to ignore it. "If you must know," Nyota said tightly. "I broke up with you." Spock blinked to hide his surprise. "Look," she said, folding her arms over her chest. "Why are you treating Jim like this? He's your bondmate." "He is," Spock acknowledged. "And I can only assume that fact is due to a colossal error on my part." There was a terrible spike of pain down their bond from Kirk. Spock bit back a sigh. He didn't choose to cause Kirk this pain. If it was causing him such distress, Kirk needed to stop listening to their conversation. And Spock needed to do something about Kirk's inability to shield. Nyota sat forward. "Why would you assume it's an error?" she demanded. "Even if you don't remember, why can't you trust yourself? Why can't you trust that you made a good decision in Kirk?" "Because all logical evidence points to contrary," Spock said patiently. "Captain Kirk is a criminal with no respect for regulation or authority. He is a ruthless manipulator. And with his history of womanizing and promiscuity, I can only imagine that he is a faithless mate who does not practice fidelity." There was a sudden crash. Kirk had stood up so fast that he'd knocked his chair over. He disappeared down the hallway, almost at a run. Spock tried to weather the tide of sickness that streamed through the bond. Nyota gave Spock an ugly look. " is why I broke up with you, Spock," This she hissed. "Because you don't care about human feelings. You choose not to have them, but you get some kind of sick joy out of stomping all over ours. Like at Kirk's trial, which I know you remember - rubbing his face in his father's death, hurting him on purpose." She leaned forward. "Kirk is the best thing that ever happened to you. He brought the light to your eyes. You don't remember it now, but you love him. And you're never going to forgive yourself when you learn what you've done." She bolted after Kirk, leaving Spock alone at the table. Spock suppressed a sigh, and some choice thoughts about humans and their sentimentality. He set about methodically finishing his soup, ignoring the stares of the others in the mess. ***** Spock found Kirk a short time later, lifting weights in the gym. He was lying on his back on a padded bench, dressed in athletic shorts and a tight tank, bench-pressing a heavy weight - heavy, at least, by human standards. Spock's eyes widened. He had always just assumed he would be attracted to slender bodies, like most Vulcans possessed. But as he stared at Kirk's large muscles, which shifted and flexed as he moved, he knew he'd been very wrong. Seeing Kirk's thicker build only partially clothed sent a hot flush through Spock; a desire to touch and explore. Kirk was damp with sweat from his efforts - another sight that was very un-Vulcan, and strangely erotic. Vulcans were a desert species bred to conserve water, while human bodies were so carelessly, deliciously, wasteful. The wet sheen of Kirk's skin made Spock itch to touch him; to lick him. Even his hairline was damp, and his handsome face was flushed pink with exertion, setting off the blue of his eyes. Spock stood, transfixed, unable to take his eyes off Kirk. He had to admit, on an aesthetic level, Kirk was absolutely exceptional. Kirk suddenly noticed him. He quickly reset the weight in its place, and sat up on the padded bench. "What's up?" he said warily, his breathing slightly heavier than normal. Spock shook himself, irritated that he'd been caught staring. He'd come here for a purpose, yet instead he'd let himself be distracted by Kirk's looks like a foolish Academy cadet. "I am continuously receiving your emotions through our bond. I ask that you block the bond so that I do not have to experience them." Kirk swallowed. "I don't know how," he said quietly. "I did not teach you to shield?" "No," he admitted. "I didn't even know you could block our bond until you did it in sickbay." Spock raised a brow. "Understand that I find that impossible to believe. Vulcans almost universally block their bonds for privacy's sake. It would be illogical of me to have chosen to experience your mind at all times." Kirk smiled bitterly, without a trace of humor. "I agree with you there," he said tonelessly. "But I'm telling the truth." He was. Spock felt it through the bond. He suppressed another sigh. "Very well," he said shortly, raising a hand. "I will block the bond in your mind myself, through a meld." "You want to do to my mind what you did to yours?" "Affirmative." Kirk was suddenly on his feet, backing away from Spock. "No." " "No? Captain, you cannot expect me to continue - Kirk shook his head. "I don't want you to feel this," he said fiercely. Bizarrely, Spock was now feeling protectiveness streaming through their bond, as if Kirk felt he was somehow defending Spock from something dangerous. It was - maddeningly pleasant. "Feel what, exactly?" Spock asked, forcing away any pleasure associated with this warm emotion from Kirk. "The emptiness." "Emptiness," Spock repeated. "I do not understand." "There's a - a blankness," Kirk tried to explain, the language of Standard clearly inadequate to describe the psychic sensation. "In my head, where you used to be. You're just - gone. It's - I don't want you to feel it." Kirk's distress was palpable through the bond. Whatever he was experiencing in his head as a result of Spock's shields was certainly unpleasant. Spock, however, had no frame of reference for it. "My previous mate, T'Pring, kept her end shielded at all times. I did not experience this - emptiness - you describe. I do not believe I will feel it now." "It's not worth risking," Kirk said stubbornly. "With all due respect, Captain," Spock said patiently. "Emptiness would be far preferable to the influx of your emotions that I now must endure." The fight seemed to leech out of Kirk like air from a popped balloon. He leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. Spock waited, trying to stay detached from the emotions jackhammering into him through their bond. Unworthiness seemed to feature very prominently, along with self-disgust and resignation. Spock was somewhat surprised at the lack of anger. Come to think of it, Kirk had not once gotten angry with Spock. He'd been unexpectedly patient and accommodating since Spock had awoken. As if to confirm this, Kirk rubbed his eyes with one hand. "Okay," he said. "Okay. If it's really what you want, you can block it." He lifted his head. The sheen on his eyes made the color very bright. Averting his gaze from Spock's, he tilted his face, offering his temple and cheek trustingly. For a moment, Kirk's vulnerability set off something deep in Spock, an echoing desire to shelter that vulnerability and keep it safe. Spock suppressed it before it could blossom into an actual want. With ruthless efficiency, he put his fingers on Kirk's meld points, careful not to touch any extra inch of Kirk's skin that sang its siren song to Spock's telepathy. But even confined to the meld points, Kirk's skin was soft beneath Spock's sensitive fingers, soft enough that he wanted to stroke the pads of his fingers over its silky texture. He suppressed that desire too. "My mind to your mind..." Kirk's mind unlike any mind Spock has melded with before. It's dynamic and brilliant - like the hot desert sun dancing a fiery pattern on the sands. It illuminates him; envelops him; seeps into him. It wraps him in warmth and brightness. It would light every dark crevice in Spock's mind; shine its rays into all the lonely corners; chase away the lingering cold - if only Spock would let it. Spock wants to bask in it; let it penetrate him; let it in - Spock yanked out of Kirk's mind almost violently. He was breathing harshly. He stared at Kirk, fighting his own emotions, which threatened to boil over and control him. "You - " Spock's throat was too tight to speak. Kirk looked a little woozy from the meld; not quite steady on his feet. "Did you do it?" he asked, trying to subtlety reach for the wall behind him for support. "No. I did not shield you." Spock's fingers itched to touch Kirk's skin again. His mind craved to return to Kirk's mind. He should have known; should have realized that if Kirk's touch was so addictive, his mind would be exponentially more so. It was suddenly so clear. "But I believe your machinations are now revealed. I know how you tricked me into a bond." Utter confusion met his statement. "What?" The itch in his fingers, the desire for Kirk - it was almost overpowering. Spock ruthlessly suppressed it. "You seduced me," he accused. "You used your mind to seduce a telepath as you seduce women with your looks." "I never - " Kirk swallowed. "Spock, it's just my mind. I don't know how to seduce anyone with my mind. It just - it just is." Kirk's words, and the bond, attested to Kirk's honesty. Spock made himself see reason. Kirk was psi-null. He would not have been able to change his mind to seduce Spock anymore than Spock could rearrange his face to seduce Kirk. It was just one more quality Kirk possessed that made him unfairly attractive. "You possess too many unjust advantages." Spock muttered resentfully. "Have all your romantic companions suffered thus?" um - " His lower lip Kirk made a forced shrugging movement. "You're - trembled. He quickly bit it harshly. "You're the only relationship I've ever had." Spock didn't quite know what to make of that. They stood in silence for a moment. Finally, Kirk took a breath and said, a little shakily, "I know you hate feeling my emotions. Did you want to try again to shield the bond?" Yes, Spock did. He wanted to dive into that golden sunlit mind and never leave. "No," he lied. "I do not wish to ever touch your mind again." And he walked away from Kirk, ignoring the raw pain bleeding across the bond as he left. ***** Spock returned to his quarters, which looked identical to those he had kept under Captain Pike. He took a seat at his desk to think. The situation was utterly intolerable. Spock simply could not carry on like this. He clearly could not afford to enter Kirk's mind ever again; undoubtedly the seductive temptation of his thoughts had been the breaking point that got Spock into trouble in the first place. Spock was certain that he'd been suckered into a bond with Kirk due to exposure to that addictive mind. If he could not enter Kirk's mind, he could not shield the bond or teach Kirk to shield it. And since he could not bear to continue feeling Kirk's emotions, he was left with only one option. He would have to break their bond. It was an unpleasant course of action, to say the least. The cultural taboo against bond-breaking was strong. Vulcan society frowned heavily upon males breaking bonds, to the point of ostracizing those few who did. Unbonded males were dangerous and unpredictable, and the demands of a peaceful society meant males were expected to be bonded at all times. The biological drive against bond-breaking was even stronger. Due to their violent mating drive, a bond was an absolutely necessity for a Vulcan male. To be unbonded at the onset of Pon Farr was to invite first madness, and then death. So terrible was the thought of being unbonded during Pon Farr that most Vulcan males would do anything to protect their bond, even their mate was the most undesirable of partners. But that did not mean bonds were unbreakable. And Spock was no stranger to going against Vulcan cultural norms. Working from his computer terminal, Spock accessed the Vulcan Science Academy database. He was pleased to find that the scientists had thought to save their voluminous research off-planet, and that his family's password still worked. It was the work of over an hour to find what he needed. Obviously information on bond-breaking was not something Vulcans thought should be readily available. Finally, however, Spock located an obscure treatise on the subject, buried deep within the Biology section of the database. The text was written in a little-used variant of the Vulcan language, and to protect the species' privacy, there was no translation. Spock, however, was adept at all dialects of Vulcan. He began to read. He had already known, as all Vulcans did, that a bond could be broken by a challenge from the mate when the male entered Pon Farr. This was the ancient method, handed down from the time of the beginning. It had not been used in generations, and with good reason: the challenge required combat to the death. Even in the unlikely event he did someday enter Pon Farr, Spock had no wish to die nor to cause another's death. What he had wanted to know - and what the treatise confirmed - was the second method. Bonds could be severed by trained Vulcan mind healers. However, the text warned, healers were extremely reluctant to break a bond at the male's request. To secure their assistance, Spock would need to show that the bond was flawed in some manner, or that it had been created under false pretenses. Considering Kirk's character and history, and Vulcans' xenophobic prejudice (of which he was all too familiar with from childhood), Spock put his chances at convincing a healer to break their bond at 92.78%. Further research yielded the names of three surviving healors with the telepathic capacity to break a mating bond. All three currently resided on New Vulcan, in the new desert temple that had been built for healing purposes. Very well, then. The Enterprise must go to New Vulcan. Logging out, Spock went to Kirk's quarters, opening the doors without bothering to announce himself. "Captain Kirk," he said sharply, as he moved through the quarters, searching for Kirk. He found Kirk, most illogically, seated on the floor, his back against his bed. He was wearing a faded academy t-shirt and sweat pants, and looked even younger than he had at his Kobayashi Maru trial. His hair was damp from a shower. As he looked up at Spock from the floor, his expression was guarded. In Spock's head, Kirk's emotions felt like a cringing sehlat, huddled as if expecting a painful blow. Spock refused to feel even a moment's softness for Kirk. "I am sure you will not be surprised to learn that I can no longer carry on in this manner." "I'm sorry," Kirk said, swallowing. "If I knew how to shield the bond for you, I would. But I - " "I have determined that shielding is insufficient." Spock took a breath. "We must break the bond." A deafening silence met him. "Break it?" Kirk finally said. His voice cracked as he spoke. "Yes. As soon as possible." "But - but you said - " Kirk seemed to be unable to grasp this. "You said our bond was forever. You said it was unbreakable." "Then I lied to you," Spock said, slightly impatiently. He chided himself for feeling the emotion of impatience. He needed to have Kirk out of his head, and to have the full serenity of logic again. "It will require a Vulcan healer and thus a trip to New Vulcan, but bonds most certainly can be broken." "You wouldn't have lied to me," Kirk protested, a little desperately. "Why would you lie?" Spock wasn't sure why he would have told Kirk the bond was unbreakable. It was an inaccurate statement. He tried to think of an explanation for his previous actions. "You are a very attractive individual," he offered honestly. "Perhaps I wished to copulate with you and felt it the most successful method of achieving my goal." Kirk reacted as if Spock had slapped him, flinching back. "You think you lied about our bond to get me into bed?" "It is a strong possibility," Spock said dispassionately, feeling Kirk's betrayal through their bond and wondering why Kirk would be upset by this explanation. "You are very ill-suited for me. It is logical to think I may have intended our bond only as a means to an end." Kirk buried his face in his hands. "No," he said, a little desperately. "I don't believe it. You would never have lied to me." "Please face the facts, Captain Kirk," Spock said, possibly patronizingly. "It appears that I did." The sehlat of Kirk's emotions howled with pain in Spock's head. A long minute passed. When Kirk spoke again, even Spock, with his superior hearing, could barely hear him. "Okay," he said, as if the word cost him his soul to say. "We'll - we'll break the bond. Whatever makes you happy." "Vulcans do not feel happiness, Captain." Kirk let out the bitterest laugh Spock had ever heard. "That's another lie you told me, then." Spock didn't know what to say to that. ***** 3. Portcullis Kirk made all the arrangements for them. Spock didn't have to lift a finger. Kirk had somehow earned enough clout in the last year to not only get Starfleet to allow a temporary deviation from their assignment, but to get the Vulcan elders to instantly welcome the Enterprise to their planet, and to grant Kirk an appointment with the very busy Vulcan healers. As the healers might have refused to break the bond if given advance warning, Spock insisted the purpose of their visit be kept secret and that Kirk tell no one of their plan. Kirk, as Spock now expected he would, gave Spock what he wanted. Shortly after the Enterprise was en-route to New Vulcan, Spock found himself forced to endure a follow-up exam with Dr. McCoy. "I oughtta smack you," McCoy muttered grouchily, as he scanned Spock with his tricorder. "I would advise you not to try it," Spock said dryly. Choosing to associate with this emotional Southerner was another decision of the past year that he simply could not understand. "You are more likely to hurt your hand than me." McCoy rolled his eyes. "I'm pretty sure it violates my oath to hit a patient. Besides, I'm more scared of what Jim would do to me if I tried to hurt you." "You jest." "I don't." McCoy looked at his tricorder readings. "You can't remember how protective he is of you. Trust me. He'd kill me. Mind you, I oughtta hit you anyway, because you damn well deserve it." McCoy fixed him with a glare. "You should be ashamed of yourself, Spock. Putting Jim through hell like you have. I probably would hit you, oath be damned - if I didn't know you were going to New Vulcan get your memories back." Spock raised a brow. "This is a diplomatic mission to check the security guarding New Vulcan from poachers," he said, citing the explanation they'd given to Starfleet. McCoy waived it off. "Sure it is. On the record. But I'm your doctor, and I know you got an appointment with a healer. And if I were a gambling man, I'd be betting 10 to 1 that you're going to try and get that mind of yours fixed right up." Spock steepled his fingers. He had no intention of telling McCoy that he'd decided to ask that no attempt be made to restore his memories. However he and Kirk had ended up in a bond, he was sure it had somehow involved Kirk manipulating him. He did not wish for the memories of such manipulations to be returned to him. It was already difficult enough to fight his biology, which screamed at him to save his bond. If his memories were returned, he would likely lose the battle. "We should be there in two days," McCoy said, checking a PADD. "Not a moment too soon in my book. Whether you realize it now or not, Jim's damn good to you. You'll be happy to remember your bond with him." Happy. For some reason, the word made something stick in Spock's throat. ***** Kirk and Spock exchanged fewer than a dozen words the entire two-day trip to New Vulcan. Since their last discussion, the only emotion coming down the bond had been extreme numbness. That suited Spock just fine - the less he felt from Kirk, the better. He got the sense that Kirk was avoiding him. He'd even arranged for them to beam down separately, letting Spock go down first, alone. Spock knew the healing temple was located a good distance outside the main colony, New Shikahr. In the interest of privacy, and to prevent questioning, Spock chose a beam-down point outside the colony. He now materialized alone, on the wild, yet-uncolonized sands of the new planet Vulcans called home. Seeing the surroundings for the first time, even he could not prevent the slight flutter of his heart. Whoever had chosen the planet for the colony had chosen very well. He was in a beautiful desert; surrounded by towering rock cliffs, glittering sand, and a scarlet sky that seemed to glow from within. And the sun; the hot sun that beat so welcomingly down on him, a warm embrace for one of Vulcan's prodigal sons. Kirk would be following shortly, but for the moment Spock was alone; alone to indulge himself shamelessly in his secret love. He turned his face up to the sun and closed his eyes. He let the rays penetrate his skin; warming it, driving away the perpetual chill of life on the ship. Contentment welled up in him as he basked in the heat, soaking in the desert sun's brilliance. It had been years since he'd been truly warm, and now he turned his palms up, letting the heat thaw his sensitive hands; the cold of years away forgotten. If he had known how, he would have purred. "Las'hark." A quiet voice behind him startled Spock. He had been so caught up in his sun worship that he hadn't heard Kirk materialize. Humiliated at being caught in such a private, emotional moment, his self-control still precarious, he whirled around. "How do you know the Vulcan word for sun?" he demanded of Kirk. "Does it matter?" Kirk asked tiredly. Spock took a deep breath, turning away. "No," he acknowledged, trying to keep his control, unendingly irritated with himself. "It does not matter." He felt Kirk move a step closer. His quiet voice came again. "Do you - " Kirk swallowed. "Do you like the sun?" Spock distantly registered that a small touch of hope had fluttered through their bond from Kirk, the first such emotion in days. Still humiliated, he ignored it. Adopting the coldest, most unemotional voice he had, a voice that had once made his own mother cry, he turned back to Kirk. "Of course I do not like the sun. To claim such would be the height of farce. It is nothing but a conflagration of elements. It simply exists. I feel nothing for the sun." A burst of pain, of heartbreak, came streaming through the bond, so potent that Spock was forced to take a step back. He looked up in surprise, meeting Kirk's eyes - And with an unfamiliar sinking feeling, Spock suddenly knew that, for the first time in his life, he had failed a test. In Kirk's beautiful eyes, he saw something violently close - like shutters slammed down, or a castle portcullis falling - Then Kirk's eyes were blank. And so was the bond. As a throbbing emptiness spread through Spock's mind where Kirk's presence had been a moment before, swallowing the space like a black hole sucks in all light, Spock realized what had happened. Kirk's human mind had reached its limit. It had endured too much hurt. Like amputating a gangrenous limb, Kirk's psi-null mind had somehow found a way to cut off the source of its pain. Kirk had finally shielded himself from Spock. ***** 4. Shaken The blazing sun of New Vulcan hugged the desert landscape with its rays, making the sand sparkle like white glitter beneath the feet of the two travelers. A hot wind that cooled nothing rose up, and blew the sand idly around. The towering rock cliffs jutted up towards the sun, and the scarlet sky bathed the entire world in a deep, reddish hue. But Spock could focus on none of the desert's beauty. The sehlat in his mind was gone; replaced by a horrible black hole that throbbed and ached. Where Kirk's presence had been before, there was now only a sucking crater, gaping like an open wound. An emptiness, Kirk had called it. A terrible understatement. Spock heard Kirk breathing next to him, and felt a uncomfortable jab of guilt. Kirk had tried to protect Spock from feeling this emptiness, but Spock had been too sure of his own rightness to let him. The thought that he could have been so wrong, and Kirk have been so right, left him shaken to his core. He conceded that he'd had no way to know what Kirk was trying to protect him from; he'd felt nothing like this when T'Pring blocked her side of their pitiful mental link, and the emptiness was far worse than Kirk had let on. But if Spock was wrong about the feel of a blocked bond being preferable to Kirk's emotions, it begged the question: Had he been wrong about anything else? Because if there was a chance that he was somehow mistaken about Kirk, and he was on his way to break a mating bond with a partner who had not wronged him - Spock's skin began to crawl. He tried to repress the feeling, reminding himself that the conclusion that Kirk was an unsuitable mate was a logical one. He would never have selected Kirk as a mate without Kirk's manipulation, due to his criminal record, his cheating, his womanizing, his - His protectiveness of you from the blocked bond. Spock tried again to push the thought away. But deep within his mind, thousands of years of Vulcan biology began, very quietly, to worry. Unbidden, his gaze cut to Kirk - and he felt a moment of alarm. Kirk was sweating profusely, his uncovered face darkly pink. Kirk had not uttered a single word since they began to walk; not made so much as a sound of discomfort. But Spock now questioned the wisdom of walking to the healing temple. He himself had welcomed the chance to walk in the sun - but humans were softer creatures, not built for the hardships of the desert. And they had quite a distance still to go. "Captain," Spock said, breaking the silence. "Allow me to call for a shuttlecraft to take you to the temple." "No." "But - " "I don't need anything from you." Kirk's tone was short; clipped. Spock persisted. "It is 119 degrees Fahrenheit, and the atmosphere here is much thinner than on Earth. This cannot be comfortable for a human." "Please don't pretend you care about my comfort." The comment stung. "Captain, I am still your First Officer and - " "I'm fine." Was he? Spock no longer had any way to know. The shields Kirk's mind had raised were staggering powerful. Spock could not read even the slightest hint of his emotions through their bond anymore, and Kirk's face and voice revealed nothing. Without their link, Spock was now all too aware of just how good Kirk was at hiding his true feelings. The black hole in his head ached; an unrelenting reminder that Kirk had blocked the bond. "Captain," he said, swallowing his pride. "It appears you were - ah - correct about the blocked bond. It is - not pleasant." Kirk set his jaw. "I don't know how to unshield it, Spock," he said tersely. Spock had, in truth, been about to offer to unshield his own side. But Kirk's words made temptation flare up in Spock. He spoke without thinking. "I could meld us - " Spock's hand reached out of its own accord, eager to touch. Kirk jerked away from him, as if Spock was a poisonous asp. "I'd rather you didn't," he said through gritted teeth. Spock's hand fell away, unfulfilled. He hadn't thought Kirk would reject his touch. As a male Vulcan, it bothered him on a very instinctual level - a mate who rejected his touch was a mate who might choose to challenge the bond; might choose the kal-if-fee at Pon Farr. But it also bothered him because it meant that the hurt that had caused Kirk's psi-null mind to shield was still there. The emptiness caused by those shields again taunted him. You were wrong, , it told him, the gaping crater throbbing. Wrong. And Kirk was right. Spock Spock made his offer. "I did not truly understand your pain before. If you like - I will unshield my side for you." "Don't bother." "But I - " "It's a matter of hours. Then there won't be any bond to feel." No bond. Despite the desert heat, Spock was suddenly chilled. ***** They walked on. Kirk refused every attempt Spock made to ease the journey for him. He would not even drink Spock's water. As they approached the healing temple, Spock spotted several makeshift camps lining the pathway. Dozens of Vulcans were here with mind-injuries, still waiting to see a healer. Spock felt a moment of deep pain for his people; so many broken links, so many hurting survivors. Heads turned, and popped out from behind the cloths folds of the tents as they passed, keen Vulcan hearing easily able to discern their steps on the desert sands. Seeing the waiting crowds, Spock marveled that Kirk was able to get their appointment with such short notice. He marveled too that no one seemed the slightest bit displeased that Kirk and Spock were cutting to the front of the line, so to speak. To be so quickly and graciously accommodated, Kirk must have been held in very high regard by the Vulcans. And Spock was about to have their bond severed. Spock's skin began to crawl again. And this time, no matter what mind trick he employed, he could not make it stop. Finally, they reached the base of the stone steps of the temple. The temple was at the top of a rocky cliff; its stairs carved straight into the rock, dusted with scattered patches of hot, glittering sand. As Kirk took the first step, his foot slipped. With a cry he stumbled and fell, tumbling face first onto the carved rock. He reached out with his hands but didn't catch himself in time, and Spock heard the smack when Kirk's head forcefully hit the solid rock stairs. "Captain!" Spock dropped to his knees and reached for Kirk. "Don't touch me." Spock froze. Kirk's tone cut through him like a knife; a hard mix of anger, bitterness and betrayal; the first indication Spock had of Kirk's feelings since Kirk had blocked the link. Spock didn't touch him, but he couldn't bring himself to move away. "But Captain," he said impotently, not knowing what to do, " - you are bleeding - " The rock had cut a long gash onto Kirk's forehead, over one eye. Blood welled up from the cut; the red color even more vivid than the sky. Kirk roughly wiped the blood out of his vision and shoved himself to his feet. Wobbling a bit, he grabbed the hem of his uniform tunic and pulled it off, leaving just the formfitting black undershirt beneath. It clung like a second skin to muscles swollen from the heat. He held the tunic to his head, pressing it to the cut to staunch the bleeding. "There. Fixed." Spock was appalled. "Captain, that is absolutely unacceptable," he said, rising smoothly. He reached for Kirk again. Kirk yanked away quickly; so quickly that he swayed unsteadily on his feet. Spock got the message: Kirk still did not want to be touched. And it still bothered Spock. But he clasped his hands behind his back, because he did not want Kirk to further injure himself trying to get away. "You struck your head on rock and could have a concussion. If you will not allow me to treat your injury we must contact the Enterprise - " "This place is a healing temple. They'll heal it." "They are mind-healers only," Spock emphasized. "They will not know how to - " "Then Bones can fix me later, back on the ship. Do you know how hard it was to get this appointment? We're not stopping now." And turning away, the discussion apparently closed, Kirk resumed his climb of the long flight of stair up to the temple. The atavistic part of Spock reared up in alarm at Kirk's determination to reach the place of bond-breaking. The primal fear of being left bondless - by his mate told Spock to stop his bondmate Spock grit his teeth, and reminded himself - reminded his Vulcan blood - that he wanted this bond broken. Kirk's cooperation was a good thing. Swallowing the ancient drives, he caught up to Kirk. ***** The first room of the temple was again crowded by Vulcans. When Kirk, however, quietly gave their names to the temple keeper, they were immediately ushered behind a hanging cloth, into a private waiting area. If the keeper was surprised that Kirk continued to hold a shirt to his head, she said nothing. The room's rough-hewn rock walls were broken only by a single carved bench. A flight of stairs lead up and out of the room. The keeper bowed slightly and left, leaving them in an uncomfortable silence. Kirk dabbed at the cut on his head with the tunic. It was still bleeding. Spock looked down, and discovered he was wringing his hands. He'd been wrong about the pain of a blocked bond. Spock closed his eyes. He took a breath. That one revelation had shaken the foundation of his whole certainty, and now the worry that had been creeping up on him during their walk attacked his mind full force, making him question everything. Had he, somehow, been wrong about Kirk? Kirk was well-respected by the Vulcan race; he was beloved by his crew; he was protective of Spock - - and he had the most beautiful mind Spock had ever seen. Am I a fool? Spock asked himself fearfully. Am I wrong to seek to break our bond? His hands began to tremble. Because if he was wrong - Before he could finish the thought, one of the healers came down the steps. She was at least 200 years old; with a wrinkled face and gray hair. "What can we do for you, Sarek's son and Captain Kirk?" she asked. Spock had formed his explanation on the ship, about Kirk's duplicity and deplorable character and manipulations. An explanation with a 92.78% chance of success. It died on his lips. He tried to think logically, tried again to remind himself that Kirk was a repeat offender - that Kirk had cheated on the Kobayashi Maru - that Kirk had tried again and again to copulate with Nyota - But the blocked bond throbbed unsettlingly in his head, and all he could remember was how fiercely the human had tried to protect Spock from feeling it too. "We want you to break our bond." Kirk's voice, hoarse from the heat and lack of water, echoed around the chamber. We??? Betrayal thrummed through Spock, hot and ugly. He forced it away. You will , he ordered himself. You have no right. This is your not feel betrayed . Your mate is doing this for you. desire. Your idea "Break your bond?" The healer's disapproval was tangible. "May I ask why?" Run, Jim! Spock bit down on his lip to stop himself from crying it aloud to Kirk. He looked at the floor. The fight was rising up in him; the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end. His primal instincts told him to grab Kirk and run; carry Kirk far away from this evil place - But Kirk once again answered when Spock could not speak. "It was created under false pretenses." Spock jerked in shock. He shot a confused look at Kirk. "Very well," the healer said, obviously not pleased but willing to break a bond at the request of a human mate. "If Spock will join me in the antechamber? I need only access one mind. I would prefer it be Vulcan." She gestured to the bench. "Captain Kirk, you may wait here. It should not hurt unduly." Kirk nodded in understanding, and the healer turned and returned up the flight of stairs. Spock seized the brief moment of privacy. "You admit that you tricked me into a bond?" he asked, his voice rough and almost unrecognizable. "Not my false pretenses, Spock." Kirk stared straight ahead, and did not look at Spock. "Yours." ***** The stairs to the healer's antechamber were far too few. Spock climbed as slowly as he could, but still found himself in the healer's antechamber much too quickly. The room was heavily perfumed with incense - a smell Spock was certain would induce instant nausea in the future. Besides the stairs, a single doorway led from the room. Spock tried on shaking. His heart hammered in to move forward, and found he was full- his side as his body screamed at him to run away and keep the bond - a bond meant safety, family, mate, life. "Your distress is natural," the healer said, her tone flat and unemotional. "All Vulcan males react very poorly to bond-breaking, but we must respect the wishes of your mate. We must prevent the kal-li-fee, the challenge. If he tries to break the bond during your Pon Farr, you or another will die. This way is preferable." She gestured to the center of the room, where a skylight carved into the rock let in the faintest hint of red from the burning sky above. "Lay upon the mat," she said, kneeling at one end. Spock did not want to. Now that the moment had come, he did not want to have his bond broken. He pressed himself back against the wall behind him. "No, I - I have amnesia," he blurted out. "You cannot break my link when I do not even remember forming it." "Restoring memory loss is extremely difficult. In most cases, impossible." The healer spoke without a trace of sympathy. "If you wish, you may make a future appointment to have your memory loss evaluated. It will not interfere with today's bond-breaking." She gestured to the mat in front of her. "You must submit, or I will be forced to call for assistance." Panic began to steal up Spock's spine. Things had gone horribly wrong. He'd been so certain of his own rightness - so certain that Kirk had somehow tricked him. Now doubt had swept in and crippled him - but too late to stop the wheels he'd set in motion. He was trapped in a nightmare of his own making, his bond about to be broken against his will. His hands scrambled against the wall behind him. "No," he said, dangerously close to losing all control. "Please - " "T'Prynne, ." stop Spock shot a pathetically grateful look in the direction of the new voice. Another elderly Vulcan had entered the room, a male. He was a stranger to Spock - but there was something almost hauntingly familiar about him, something that made Spock trust him immediately. T'Prynne looked at the newcomer blandly. "I need more time. He is fighting the breaking." "I will deal with him," the stranger said. "You have many patients of your own waiting." "This is important to me." "As you wish." And if she had merely discussed the weather with Spock, not tried to sever his soul in half, she calmly left. The instant she was gone, the new Vulcan grabbed him by the shoulders. "Spock," he said, shaking him. "How are you here to break your bond? What have you done?" Spock met the stranger's warm brown eyes, the exact same color as his own. He seemed so familiar - and he seemed to recognize Spock. "Do I know you?" The eyes widened with surprise. Ancient fingers touched Spock's temple, and the eyes suddenly lit with understanding. "Amnesia," he said softly. He sighed. "Jim did not tell me. Is he with you here?" Spock winced at the name of his bondmate. "I do not want my bond broken," he quietly begged. "Of course you do not," the stranger said sharply. "Look at how your body fights the very idea. You have made yourself sick. Your mind may have forgotten, but your blood knows, Spock. It knows that you belong to Jim." Yes. The truth of this stranger's words pierced Spock's core. He made a sudden decision. "I want my memories of Jim back." And he meant it; meant it with all his soul. "Can you restore them?" "I will do all within my power." He put both hands on Spock's face, in the mind meld position. The he closed his eyes. "My mind to your mind..." Spock floats in the sea of their meld, immune to all feeling but the gentle, somehow familiar touch of this stranger's mind. It seems to go on forever, the soft but precise prodding and prying of this older Vulcan's thoughts against his. And then suddenly, Spock feels a small movement, like two sides of a fissure have suddenly come back together - - and like a dam bursting, his memories come rushing back. ***** "Bond with me." Kirk stares at Spock in surprise. "You can't be serious," he says. * Kirk, Spock discovers, plays chess. Two nights after the Enterprise leaves Earth, Spock finds himself invited to Kirk's quarters for a game. He accepts, only because one of his experiments is processing and will take 67 minutes to finish. They play a friendly game. Spock's mind is on other things as he runs through his route, logical moves that have defeated every human he's ever played. Kirk will be no different; the moves will defeat him too. "Checkmate," Kirk suddenly says. Spock freezes. He stares at the board in shock. He hasn't been checkmated since he was twelve. He lifts his eyes to see Kirk grinning impishly at him. "You have to stop making assumptions about me, Spock." The words are said jokingly - Kirk clearly doesn't mean them. It occurs to Spock they might be sound advice anyway * "I am very serious," Spock says. "But you've seen my criminal record. You know my past. Who in their right mind would want a relationship with me?" "I would." * "It has come to my attention," Spock says, as he moves a knight in their third chess match, "that there are now Vulcan food options in the replicator." "Maybe Scotty's been - " "Mr. Scott is an engineer. Changing the replicator requires exceptional programming skills such as yours. And even at your skill level I estimate it would have taken at least 38.6 hours of off-duty work to achieve." It happens to be the nicest thing anyone has ever done for Spock. He doesn't say that part. Kirk knows Spock's caught him. He smiles ruefully. "Look, I know I'm inexperienced, but I want to take care of my crew." He swallows and adds, a little uncomfortably, "Like my dad did. I want to be the same kind of captain he was." Spock opens his mouth to point out that, logically, since Kirk has been captain longer than eight minutes he is already nothing like his father - And then he stops himself. He's suddenly single, and Nyota's rejection is fresh in his mind, accusing him of purposefully hurting human feelings. He dislikes discovering she's right. Perhaps Kirk is simply trying to honor his father's memory. Perhaps Spock should do the same. It cannot hurt if Spock tries, at least a little, to be more like the kind of human his mother was. He searches for something to say that is logical and truthful, but also, possibly, nice. "You already possess several similarities to your father's style of captaincy," he tries. The brilliant smile that lights up Kirk's face is like the sun breaking out from behind a cloud. He is so beautiful that Spock momentarily forgets to breathe. And he decides, in his dazed state, that he's going to be the one who puts more of these smiles on Kirk's face. Then Kirk innocently says, "Checkmate, by the way." Enchanting smile notwithstanding, there may be a nerve pinch coming Kirk's way. Even if it is - possibly - a slightly smitten one. * " "Spock, I'm not good enough for - Spock kisses him, cutting off the tide of self-doubt Kirk is all too good at. "Las'hark," he says. Kirk looks confused. "What does that mean?" * "Are you ever really warm?" Kirk asks, as he moves a pawn. His manner suggests that if Spock says no, Kirk will do all he can to fix it for him. Spock considers the question, in its innocent sweetness. Kirk is surprisingly protective - but nearly impossible to protect. He's been hurt too many times to trust anyone to take care of him. Getting close to Kirk has taken Spock months. But they are close now - closer then Spock's ever been to anyone in his life. Close enough that Kirk knows about the bullying classmates of Spock's past, and Spock finally knows - and has plans for - the bullying stepfather that drove Kirk to delinquency. "Vulcans were made for desert climes," he finally answers, pushing away the sadness that threatens every time he thinks of his lost planet. Instead, he thinks of Kirk. "But I find that in your company, I am - warm enough." Kirk goes faintly pink. "Oh," he says shyly. "Well - good." He is endearing like this, and Spock itches to touch him. The truth is that being near Kirk warms him like nothing else ever has. He wants more of this human's light to shine on him - wants more of his time, his attention, his presence, his touch. Spock ponders, briefly, if this is what it feels like to be in love. "Also, checkmate." Spock's eyes narrow. He's either going to kill Kirk - or marry him. * "It is the Vulcan word for sun," Spock quietly explains. "I loved the desert sun beyond all else on my planet. But I can bear its loss because I have your warmth and light now. You have become my sun, Jim." * "Checkma - " Spock knocks the chessboard off the table, grabs Kirk by the collar of his tunic and yanks him down, so they're sprawled together in a tangled heap on the table. "Spock, what the - " Spock swallows Kirk's words with a fervent kiss, trying to communicate his affection and desire for this exceptional human - his miniature sun. "Bond with me." * Kirk stares at him for a moment, clearly stunned by Spock's confession. And then he's kissing Spock wildly, and his thoughts are brilliant sunbeams as he whispers "Yes." ***** 5. Unbreakable Spock jerked out of the meld; his memory fully restored, his breathing heavy. Horror was spreading through him very quickly as he realized the minded self-righteousness, he'd done full extent of what, in his narrow- to Kirk. He met the eyes of his counterpart, which were almost unrecognizable as his own, narrowed as they were with anger. "You make amends for what you have done," his elder said, his voice low and threatening. "Or I will see Jim taken from you." Spock didn't need to be told twice. He dashed for the staircase and sprinted down the stairs, down to the bench was Kirk was meant to be waiting for him. "Jim!" he called as he ran. "Jim!" At the bottom of the stairs, he froze. The bench was empty - because Kirk's crumpled form was on the floor. Lying unnaturally still. Cold fear seized Spock. He ran to Kirk's side and fell to his knees. He rolled Kirk onto his back. He was still breathing, but unconscious. The tunic, bunched on the floor nearby, was soaked through with blood, which still trickled from the cut on Kirk's forehead. From this close, Spock could see blisters had formed where the hot sand had touched his face, and the furious red that was already developing where his unprotected skin had been tormented by the sun. He'd lied to Spock about the extent of his injuries. And with no bond to tell him the truth, Spock had fallen for his lies. Blindly reaching for his communicator, he hailed the Enterprise. "This is Spock. Two to beam up, immediately. Tell Dr. McCoy to have a medical team standing by. The captain is injured." He snapped the device shut and gathered Kirk into his arms. "Is there a problem?" The keeper queried, as she stepped through the privacy curtain. "We no longer have need of your services," Spock said darkly, and held Kirk's unconscious body in his arms as their atoms broke apart. ***** Hours after their return to the , Spock still sat in the chair Enterprise next to Kirk's bed, unable to take his eyes off his unconscious bondmate. The cut on his head was swathed in white bandages, and his face glistened with medicinal cream to treat his burns. The monitor Kirk was hooked to seemed to beep very slowly to Spock, although he knew that was just the normal speed of the sluggish human heart. He'd unblocked his own side of the bond immediately, of course. Kirk's side, however, was still tightly shielded. The black hole in his head where Kirk's sunny presence should have been was even more unbearable now that his memories had returned. He should have realized, even in his amnesiac state, that bond with Kirk was too strong - that it could not be so completely shielded without leaving a terrible blankness in its place. He should have known. But instead, in his arrogance, he had put his psi-null mate through this pain. That knowledge was what hurt the worst. He missed Kirk's mind so much he thought he might break; he could only imagine what Kirk had suffered. McCoy appeared in the doorway. He walked up to Kirk's other side, and began checking his readings on the monitor. "It's a mild concussion, Spock. He'll be okay." "But he lost a great deal of blood." "That's a head wound for you. Even a shallow cut will bleed like crazy." McCoy tactfully changed the subject. "How's everything on the bridge?" "Adequate." The Enterprise had just received new orders; to head to Delta Vega and investigate. Intelligence suggested that the largest band of would-be Vulcan poachers had set up their base of operations on the freezing planet. "We are enroute to Delta Vega now." "Good. I hope the base is there. Jim's gonna end those bastards." Spock's throat tightened. Kirk had spent much of the last year as a champion of the Vulcan race; destroying every poaching ship that tried to prey on their now-endangered species. A fact that would have been easy enough to see, if his amnesiac self had only bothered to look. McCoy seemed to notice his tension. "Why don't you go get some rest? I'll call you when he wakes." "I would prefer to remain." McCoy nodded slowly. "I told you you'd be damn glad to get your memories back," he said, with the satisfaction of one who has been proved right. "Indeed," Spock managed to say. "Although I am not sure Jim will forgive me for my actions during my amnesia." "Course he will," McCoy said faithfully. "He's Jim." "You do not possess all the facts, Doctor," Spock said. He was sick to his stomach just thinking about it. "You do not know why we were on New Vulcan." "Sure I do. To get your memories ba - " "No." Spock could not meet McCoy's eyes. "I had requested that we break our bond." There was a brief moment of loaded silence. "Get out." Spock looked up. McCoy had gone white with fury. "Get out of my sickbay before I deck you." "Doctor, I - " "Now." Spock knew when to push things with McCoy - and when to concede. He left without further argument. ***** Spock waited until Dr. McCoy's shift had ended, and then an extra 30 minutes, just to be certain the doctor would be out of sickbay. Then he snuck back in and resumed his seat next to Kirk's bed. Jim, he thought to himself, trying to send his sorrow and apology down their bond. Las'hark. Forgive me. He'd worked so hard to get this human as a bondmate. And because, under amnesia, he'd been too proud to admit he could have been wrong, he might have destroyed it all. He closed his eyes, lost for a moment to his own guilt and misery. "What are you doing here?" Kirk's hoarse voice shocked Spock out of his thoughts. With Kirk's half of the bond still blocked, he hadn't felt Kirk awaken. He opened his eyes to see Kirk staring at him, his normally bright eyes dead and lifeless. "Jim - " Spock said, emotion making his voice tight. Kirk blinked for a second. His hand came up and touched his forehead. Spock watched the movement, knowing Kirk was feeling the unshielded bond in his head again. "You got your memories back." Spock reached for his hand, desperately wanting to hold it in his own. "Yes, I - " Kirk yanked his hand away before they could touch. "You were supposed to break the bond, Spock." A pang went through Spock at the rejection. He swallowed. "Jim - there are no words - I am so - " "Don't apologize," Kirk said harshly. "You were obviously going to break it someday anyway." Spock was on his feet. "Never," he said, distraught at the very thought. "I promise you - " "Your promises don't mean shit to me anymore." Kirk shifted in the bed, trying to sit up. Spock hovered uselessly, knowing his touch would be rejected but wanting to lay his hurt mate back down. "Jim, you are injured - please remain still - " "Forget it," Kirk snapped. "I'm going back down to New Vulcan. I still want them to break the bond." Spock world tilted, abruptly and horribly. "What?" he said hoarsely. "Why?" "Because you're a liar." The word was like a physical blow. "I - " , Spock." "You said the bond was unbreakable Spock's skin began to crawl again. He closed his eyes, his stomach sinking, remembering a night months ago and a moment of weakness that was going to haunt him. * "So our bond - this is forever, right?" Kirk asked, blue eyes intent on Spock. Forever. Infinite in duration unless interfered with. "Yes," Spock replies honestly. They will be bonded until they die, and maybe beyond. Kirk grins, and then he suddenly tumbles Spock down onto the bed. "Good," he says happily, crawling on top of Spock. "I'm glad our bond will be unbreakable." Unbreakable. Impossible to end. "Jim," Spock starts to say, because the term 'unbreakable' is not accurate. But Kirk leans down and kisses him, and it's urgent and demanding and all the sweeter for it. Spock abandons his thoughts; he can tell Kirk later. But 'later,' Kirk is sleeping peacefully, curled up trustingly in the crook of Spock's arm, and Spock's Vulcan blood is thrumming with pleasure at the thought of a mate who wants an unbreakable bond. He will tell Kirk, he decides, the next time Kirk mentions it. But then Kirk never brings it up again - and so neither does he. * Spock struggled to think of how to make amends for his weakness. "Unbreakable," he started, "was not my choice of word - " ." Kirk's tone was accusing. "You I thought the bond "But you knewknew was unbreakable, and you told me I was wrong. Was it funny to you? never The stupid, gullible human who thought he'd be yours forever?" "Absolutely not," Spock said forcefully. "Jim, surely you can feel my affection for you through our bond - " "How should I know what I feel?" Kirk snapped. "How do I know any of it's real? You're the telepath; I bet you can control it, send any emotion you want down our bond and make me believe in it." "Jim, no," Spock said, horrified at the thought of abusing their link in such manner. "I - " "And for that matter - why aren't you shielded now?" "Never again," Spock said lowly, sick at the thought that he'd caused Kirk to feel the empty ache of a blocked bond in the first place. Kirk wouldn't hear it. "Most Vulcans shield their bonds. You said so." His gaze was very cold. "Why didn't you tell me that before, or teach me how to shield?" Yet another selfish mistake Spock had made that would now cost him. But he owed Kirk the honest truth. "Because I did not want to." "You didn't want to," Kirk repeated flatly. Spock shook his head. "The feel of your thoughts against mine was a constant delight," he confessed quietly. "I adored your presence in my mind. I did not want you to shield from me; it would have been like clouds blocking the su -." "Don't you dare." Kirk's was tight with fury and hurt; angrier than Spock had yet heard him. "Don't you dare say that word." "But - " "Shut up. I'm not falling for your lies any more. The bond itself was a lie, and I want it broken. We're going back down to New Vulcan." He started to sit up again. "We cannot," Spock blurted desperately. "We cannot go back to New Vulcan because we are enroute to Delta Vega on a mission. Starfleet orders, Captain." "Bullshit." Spock blindly reached for his PADD and shoved it at Kirk. Kirk scanned it for a moment, then tossed the PADD away. "Fine," he said tightly. "We'll go to Delta Vega and deal with the poachers. And then we're coming right back here and breaking the bond." "But - " "And as far as I'm concerned, it's already broken," Kirk said harshly. "Understand? Humans don't bond - we break up. And I'm ending this farce of a relationship now. We're not bondmates anymore." "Jim - " "It's over, Spock." The words hit like a physical blow, like a knife in his gut. And Spock suddenly understood, with painful accuracy, exactly what humans meant by the phrase heart-break. Kirk's anger had spiked his heart rate, and the increased speed of his monitor brought Nurse Chapel rushing in. "Captain! You're awake! Are you - " She saw Spock and stilled. "Dr. McCoy says you're not supposed to be in here, Mr. Spock," she said uncertainly. "He was just leaving," Kirk said pointedly. Defeated, Spock made his way to the exit. As he did so, he heard Chapel fussing. "Captain, you have to let me deal with that cut on your head. If I don't treat it properly, it will scar your handsome face." "Good," came Kirk's terse reply. And Spock froze, as another memory came barreling back. * Kirk has a scar on his forearm, and he won't tell Spock where it's from or why he won't let Dr. McCoy remove it. It is yet another mystery from what Spock feels is Kirk's very mysterious past. But the day after Spock tells Kirk he wants to bond, he and Kirk are in bed together - and he sees that the scar has been removed. He traces his fingers over the now-smooth skin and looks at Kirk questioningly. Kirk hesitantly explains. "When I was nine, my stepfather threw me through a window for wrecking his car." There is a funny ringing in Spock's ears as Kirk struggles to tell the story. "My arm got cut pretty bad. And I - I asked the doctors to leave the scar." He swallows. "To remind me not to count on anyone but myself, because even people who are supposed to love you will hurt you." "And now?" "Now I have you." Kirk's smile warms Spock like lying in a patch of sunlight. "And I kinda like being proved wrong." * Dr. McCoy was going to have no need to hit Spock. Spock was going to hit himself. ***** 6. Biology McCoy refused to release Kirk from sickbay, so Spock found himself in command of the Enterprise for the duration of the trip to Delta Vega. McCoy also refused to let Spock back in to sickbay, and Kirk backed McCoy up; he didn't want to see Spock, or hear anything Spock had to say. Spock could not fault him. He was sadly reminded of his amnesic self, when he hadn't wanted to meld with Kirk; hadn't wanted any more information to threaten what he was convinced he knew. So he went about running Kirk's ship for him as best as he could, foregoing sleep and trying to ignore the aching blankness in his mind. He felt strange - painfully lonely, yes, but also tense and aggressive. But he tried very hard to suppress it; to let only the most gentle of emotions slip through the bond. He wondered if Kirk believed any of them to be true. In the hours before the ship was scheduled to land, Spock found himself on the observation deck, staring out into the stars. It was particularly cold on the deck; the clear viewing panel lacking the insulation of the rest of the ship. He resisted the urge to rub the chilled skin of his arms. It would do him no good anyway; the warmth he wanted came from Kirk, and he'd driven it away. "Hey." A gruff Southern drawl interrupted his thoughts. Spock turned to see McCoy coming into the room. , a voice inside his He keeps you from your bondmate head said. He is weak, unworthy - you could destroy him with your bare hands - Spock was shocked at himself. He suppressed the violent thought immediately. "Doctor," he said, fighting to keep his voice neutral. "I did not expect to see you." "Don't know why not," McCoy said grumpily. "We live on the same ship." For now you live, said the voice in his head. But if you have tried to - Spock cut off the thought before it could turn take Jim from me, I will into an actual threat, more than a little disturbed. The ache of the blocked bond must have been straining him more than he'd realized. Aloud he said, "I understood you were - what is the human expression - not speaking to me." "Yeah, well, Jim's mad at me too now." McCoy made a face. "I figure we got that in common." Spock considered this. Strangely, it pleased him that McCoy had fallen into disfavor with Kirk, enough that he felt his anger towards McCoy pass, as if McCoy was no longer a threat to his claim on Kirk. He moved over, making room for McCoy on the bench in front of the stars. "Why is Jim angry with you?" he asked, as McCoy sat next to him. "I healed his forehead scar." Spock's eyebrow shot up. "I didn't know he wanted to keep it," McCoy said defensively. "Well, if you did not know - " "And when he explained why, I told him to stop being a damn drama queen and that I wasn't sorry for taking it off." "Oh." Spock was rather impressed by McCoy's nerve. "I meant every word too. I know he's been through hell, but that boy needs to heal, not hoard up more scars and grudges against the galaxy." McCoy made a grouchy noise. "Then after he threw me out, I realized what a big fat hypocrite I was because I was still mad at you myself." "So you came to find me?" McCoy snorted. "Something like that. Thought we could sit together in the doghouse." Spock looked around in confusion. "This is the observation deck, Doctor." McCoy waved his confusion off. "Look, just - don't give up on him, okay? Keep at it until he takes you back. He's a stubborn brat, and I don't think either of us blame him for it, but underneath his tough guy armor is a sweet kid who's awfully vulnerable, and just wants somebody to love." "Of course I will not give up, as you phrase it," Spock said honestly. "I will keep him as my bondmate or die trying." McCoy looked at him askance. "Crazy Vulcan," he said, shaking his head. But Spock saw the hint of a smile around his lips. ***** When Spock returned to his room, the sound of the shower greeted him from the bathroom he shared with Kirk. Kirk was finally out of sickbay then. Listening to the water flowing, an immense wave of longing swept over him. His feet moved of their own volition, and he found himself across the room, at the bathroom between their quarters. Kneeling on the floor, he put his hands on the closed bathroom door. Closing his eyes, he reached out with his telepathy, and found Kirk's presence in the shower. Sadness went through him. Jim, he thought, his aching for Kirk even more painful than the ache of their blocked bond. . Las'hark. I miss you There was a sudden clatter on the other side of the door; like feet hitting the floor outside the shower. The door suddenly swished open, and Kirk was there, towel wrapped around him. He was fully healed - strong, healthy and scar-free; and so very beautiful that Spock felt weak. "Spock, are you oka - " Kirk stopped. He looked down, to where Spock was kneeling in front of him - hands still raised and no doubt flooding their bond with his sheepish guilt. Kirk set his jaw. "I thought you were hurt. But you're not, are you?" he said flatly. Spock shook his head. "Of course you're not." Kirk narrowed his eyes. "So what, exactly, do you think you're doing?" "Um." Spock could not believe his lack of eloquence. He looked up at Kirk beseechingly, having no idea how to say using my telepathy to be with you without sounding - well, creepy, as McCoy would say. in the shower "Don't give me those big brown puppy dog eyes," Kirk said warningly. Spock furrowed his brow. "Puppy dog eyes," he repeated to himself. "Why do humans insist on making references to canines?" Against his will, his eyes stole towards Kirk's bare stomach, where droplets of water glistened enticingly on Kirk's muscles. "Because we - wait, are you checking me out?" The sight of all that wet skin made Spock feel feverish. His mouth was suddenly achingly dry; desperate to lick the water off. "Spock?" A single drop began a journey down Kirk's torso, and Spock's eyes marked it, following it along its path over Kirk's ribs, down his stomach, towards the white folds of the towel. And he began to imagine where the water might end up, if it slipped below the towel, moving ever down towards - "Spock!" Kirk snapped. Spock froze. He looked back up to see Kirk glaring down at him. "Um," he said again, and cursed his suddenly useless tongue. "What the hell are you playing at?" "Nothing," Spock protested. "Bullshit. Your pupils are too big and your skin is flushed," Kirk accused. "Are you trying to make me think you still want me?" "I most certainly still - " Kirk cut him off. "I told you, we're not bondmates anymore. The bond might as well not exist. We're getting it broken after this mission. Until then, stay out of my head." And he shut the bathroom doors in Spock's face. ***** After that disastrous interaction with Kirk, Spock sought the serenity of the bridge. He was less than surprised to find McCoy on the bridge as well, hanging out with Scotty at the bridge's Warp Core module. Apparently they were both in need of a distraction from Kirk's anger. Spock went to his Science Officer station, hoping there'd be some form of new data for him to examine. "Hey," Nyota said, as he took a seat and pulled up some charts. "You okay?" "I beg your pardon?" "You look a little flushed." Spock flushed further, ashamed that she had noticed. "It is nothing," he said curtly. Nyota nodded slowly. "Kirk still refusing to take you back?" she asked sympathetically. Refusing to take him back. What a human way to phrase things. His mate wanted to destroy their bond. Kirk wanted to leave him. And it was Spock's own fault. "I would prefer not to discuss it," he ground out, striving for a polite tone of voice. "Sure," Nyota said kindly. "What do you think - " "Keptin!" Chekov's happy voice rang out. Spock turned forcefully in his chair to see that Kirk had just walked onto the bridge. A chorus of welcome backs and enthusiastic glad you're betters came from the crew, so obviously thrilled to have their young captain alive and well. Their voices grated on Spock's nerves - too many people, too happy to see his bondmate. Spock's throat tightened at how good Kirk looked; dressed impeccably in his uniform, his hair the slightest bit damp. Kirk dropped into his chair and smiled at everyone. He looked relaxed and fresh. Spock wondered if it was a facade, or if it was real. Without the bond, he'd never know. 'Without the bond' is your new life, his mind reminded him. Your bond is . His hands began to tremble. He gripped the armrests of his chair doomed tightly to stop them. "Sulu, how we doing?" "Just entering orbit around Delta Vega now, Captain," Sulu said proudly. "Can't say I'm glad to be back," Kirk said dryly, garnering laughs from his crew. Spock dropped his head, fresh shame washing through him. When he looked up, he found Kirk's unreadable eyes on him. He looked away guiltily, his fingers tightening their grip on the armrests of his chair. "We've got life signs on the far side of the planet," Sulu added. "Nowhere near the Federation base. Might just be the poaching operation." "Mark it and head straight for it," Kirk ordered. Scotty moved forward. "It's good ta have ya back, Cap'in," he said fondly, and clapped Kirk on the shoulder. "'Tis never the same without ya." Kirk looked up at him and smiled. "Thanks Scotty." Distantly, Spock realized he was squeezing the armrests so tightly that they were starting to warp beneath his strength. But he barely registered it, too intent on staring at the point where Scotty's hand touched Kirk's shoulder. Scotty is a good man, his mind reminded him. Honorable. Unlike - you, he has never turned his back on Jim. And he is so very fond of Kirk reached up and gave the hand resting on his shoulder a friendly pat. Spock's vision, and his mind, went blank with fury. "Sweet heavens, back down man!" "Kommander Spock, you vill hurt Scotty!" "Spock, stop!" Spock blinked as Kirk's voice brought him back to himself - and found he was across the bridge, his hands around Scotty's throat, Scotty pinned against the wall. He didn't even remember leaving his seat. He quickly released Scotty, backing off. The bridge crew were all staring at him fearfully, except for McCoy, who looked worried, and Kirk, who looked furious. "You are dismissed from the bridge, Commander," Kirk said, in his captain's voice, tight with repressed anger. "Report to your quarters immediately." Spock felt strangely light-headed. There was a ringing in his ears. "Jim - " "I said dismissed." Spock took two deep breaths. Then he obeyed, walking to the turbolift with a calm he absolutely did not feel. As he pressed the button to shut the doors, McCoy jumped in with him. He had his tricorder out and was scanning Spock as the lift began to move. "Doctor," Spock began, irritation rising up in him. "Crazy adrenaline levels, testosterone off the charts, attacking the man who touched Jim - what the hell is going on with you, Spock?" "I am sure I do not - " Spock suddenly went very, very still. "No," he whispered futilely, as fear seized him. "It cannot be." The doors to the lift opened at his floor. McCoy made a noise of frustration. "Spock? What can't - " "I must be alone," Spock said stiffly, and nearly ran from McCoy to his quarters. ***** "Spock, let me in." Kirk's voice over his intercom sounded like it was coming from very far away. Spock did not rise to answer it. He didn't trust himself to move. His quarters had lost their starship feel, lit as they were by the flickering light of his firepot, a jar of flames resting on the floor in front of where he knelt. He stared into the fire and continued his attempts to meditate. He was failing. He knew why. "Spock." Kirk's voice held a note of warning. "Open this door." Spock barely heard him. The flames danced in front of him, taunting him and his inability to find mental peace. There would be no peace for him now, he knew; he would burn as the flames did. A small whoosh noise told him Kirk had overridden his lock. He looked up to see Kirk standing across from him, on the other side of the firepot, arms folded over his chest. Stunning, as ever, to behold. "It's hot as New Vulcan in here." Spock's hands trembled. He dropped his gaze back to the fire. He did not want to think about New Vulcan; where he'd nearly lost his bond. New Vulcan had caused his current state. "Plan on telling your captain what's wrong with you?" Spock owed Kirk that. He owed Kirk so much more than that. But he didn't know if he could speak. Kirk waited a beat. When Spock hadn't managed to say anything, Kirk gave an irritated sigh. "Yeah, well, don't bother. I figured it out myself." Spock's eyes darted up to Kirk. His lips were pressed in a thin, angry line; his eyes narrowed in frustration. He was still breath-takingly beautiful. Desire began to pool low in Spock's belly - desire that he could not sate. "You warned me about it months ago. You're in that time of mating, aren't you? You're in Pon Farr." Spock closed his eyes. He had been illogically afraid to even think the word, and now Kirk had said it. My Vulcan blood knows. It knows Jim wants to break our bond. And it is . afraid Spock knew what had happened to him. His Vulcan biology had come too close to loosing its bond. And in its instinctual fear, it had flung Spock headfirst into Pon Farr - into an atavistic state where he could stake on his mate the most ancient claim his people had. "Yes," he finally whispered hoarsely, his primal lust for Kirk warring with his self-loathing and his fear. "It is Pon Farr." "Good." "Good?" Spock repeated, nonplussed. "You going into Pon Farr is the best thing that could have happened. It solves everything." Spock looked up at Kirk, confusion furrowing his brow. "Jim?" he asked tentatively. Then Kirk spoke - "Kal-if-fee." - and the bottom dropped out of Spock's world. ***** 7. Challenged Kal-if-fee. Something primal and fierce, far beyond what logic could suppress, suddenly tore through Spock. "Who is thy champion?" he hissed furiously, his own voice so deep as to be unrecognizable. "I will rend the limbs from his body and leave his corpse for the le-matya." Kirk recoiled from him, true fear in his eyes. Spock suddenly realized he was on his feet, although he had no memory of standing, and his teeth were bared and his fists clenched. , he tried to tell You must be calm himself. You are scaring him. "Jim," he whispered, forcing his fists to unclench. There was a burning rage at the back of his skull, but he found he could still speak gently to his mate. "Jim, you are safe. You are in no danger from me." Kirk seemed to suddenly realize that he was cowering against the wall. He shook himself irritably. Spock knew that Kirk did not like to be afraid; it would not sit well with him at all to be afraid of his own First Officer. He slowly walked back to Spock, watching Spock with wary eyes. "That's so - so violent," he said, sounding the tiniest bit petulant, like he was upset with Spock for scaring him. Spock could only stare at him. How could Kirk not have expected he'd be ready to kill? Even now, Spock could feel his body temperature increase, as his mate's challenge threatened to turn the burn of Pon Farr into the blood fever, the Plak Tow. With the blood fever would come madness and an inability to control himself. Spock fought to keep it suppressed; to keep his mind. "You challenged," he said. His body burned painfully, and for the first time in his life he knew that he could easily kill. "Of course I challenged," Kirk said impatiently, as if Spock should have expected it. "But no thanks to you." Repressed anger vibrated in his voice. "You never bothered to tell me I could challenge the bond. Guess that little detail fell under the whole I'm not going to tell Jim our bond can plan?" be broken "I - " "Luckily, I'm not too bad with computers." Kirk's tone was sharp and sarcastic. "But you knew that already, didn't you?" Spock felt his hands start to tremble at Kirk's reference to the Kobayashi Maru. He steepled his fingers to try and make them stop. The emotion flooding his body made him feel dizzy, and he was sure the blood in his veins was slowly coming to a boil. "Yes," he said, finding that it was hard to speak. "Well, when I decided to see if you'd hidden any other ways to break our bond from me, I very conveniently discovered you had already looked." Fire was licking the base of Spock's skull. He tried to focus on Kirk's " words; on what Kirk was implying. "You - "I hacked your search history, yes." Kirk folded his arms over his chest. "Got into your Vulcan Science Academy databases and found your little treatise on bond-breaking - the one you read when you wanted to break our bond. And I learned all about the Kal-if-fee; that I could be the one to break our bond." Spock winced at the reminder of his own treachery against their bond. "But that treatise was in Vulcan," he said, trying to focus. "Untranslated. And you do not speak or read Vulcan." "Wow," Kirk said dryly. "You must think I'm really stupid." "No. I believe you to be a genius," Spock said honestly. Kirk scoffed. "Obviously not, if you think I'm too dumb to use a Vulcan-to-Standard translator." Spock struggled to speak, to explain the full situation to Kirk. "The treatise was in a very obscure dialect of Vulcan. A translator would have struggled; perhaps mistranslated certain words." For a split second, Spock thought Kirk might have looked uncertain. Maybe. But the light was dim, and the moment passed so quickly that Spock decided he hadn't seen it after all. "I don't think it did," Kirk said coldly. "After all, I got the challenge right, didn't I?" A logical point. Spock bent his head; and his last hopes that Kirk had not truly understood what he was doing fled him. "Yes," he whispered. "You did." He swallowed thickly. For a moment, the rational part of his mind felt strangely bereft, the fire in his blood tempered by heartbreak at the thought that Kirk would rather see him fight, maybe even die, than keep their bond. But it was Kirk's right to make Spock fight for him. And Spock could feel his normally dormant battle instincts rising; his body beginning to itch for the fight. "You must name thy champion, Jim." Kirk laughed bitterly. "Are you seriously pretending you don't already know who it's going to be?" Spock honestly did not know - and he found that he didn't much care. Any who tried to take Kirk was an enemy; he'd fight an armed Klingon to keep Kirk. "Tell me," he implored, his voice low and dangerous. "Tell me what scum dares try and claim you; what nirak thinks steal my bondmate." An animal-like growl left his throat. "Tell me so that I may annihilate him for his trespass." Kirk opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came out. He seemed a little unsure of himself in the face of Spock's threats. Distantly, the scientist in Spock registered that his hormones were beginning to swamp him again; rage at the unknown challenger fueling the burn. Jim is not accustomed , he reminded himself. You are frightening him. You must stay to your anger calm. He struggled to keep the Plak Tow in check, even as he tried to learn his new foe's identity. "I must know thy champion, because I am going to fight for you, James Kirk. And I am going to win." Yes. He would battle his challenger, and he welcomed the idea now; lusted for an enemy's blood to sate his rage. "I will rip your champion to shreds with my bare hands." Kirk hesitated again. But after a second, he drew himself up to his full height determinedly. "I'm my own champion," he said, a little stiffly. "Just like I'll always have to be." "No." Spock felt like he'd been doused with cold water. Not Jim. His blood roared up with fire now that a champion had been named - but his mating instincts screamed at him not hurt his bondmate The polarities inside him made him sway on his feet. He felt like he might vomit. "No," he said again, refusing to accept it. "No, you cannot. It is not allowed." "Well, tough shit," Kirk said defiantly. "I pick myself." "But I cannot fight you," Spock said desperately, wondering if he might explode from the impotent rage that now had nowhere to go. "Well, of course we're not going to really fight," Kirk said dismissively. "Don't worry; I worked it out already. You're going to concede to me. Then I'll have won myself and the bond will break." Spock stared at him; the human who was so certain he'd solved his problem, who perhaps did not comprehend how deep Spock's love for him ran - or how sible," he said fiercely. Vulcan biology worked. "Impos Kirk looked taken aback. "Why?" "Because I will not concede the fight." "What?" Kirk looked confused. "Spock, come on, just say - " "No," Spock said angrily, the fire of the Plak Tow spurring him on. "I will not. You are mine. And while I live and breathe, there is no force in the galaxy that can make me willingly let you go." Spock made a derisive noise as the fire inside him increased its burn. "Concede," he repeated in scorn, his blood boiling and his hands itching to attack. "I will never. If another wants you, he will have to kill me to pry you from my arms." Kirk stared. "Now wait one fucking minute - " he said, sounding a little helpless. "I just said I'm my own champion. Are you really going to fight me for me?" "I - " Spock froze. The thought of fighting Kirk was repulsive. It acted again like ice water - cooling the blood fever, making him cold. He seized the moment of clarity and tried to think. With an enemy named, his body would demand to descend into the Plak Tow, where Spock could fight at his most mindless and brutal. But Spock feared what could happen in the Plak Tow; that he might see Kirk only as an opponent, and not as his beloved mate. He would be beyond the control of his rational mind - and Kirk could die at his hand. The thought nearly paralyzed him with horror. "I will not fight you," he said shakily. "No, my Jim; I would never risk your life in such a manner." "Okay then," Kirk said tentatively, like he was unsure how to take that comment. "So you conce - " "NO!" Kirk flinched in fear. Spock was so torn apart internally that he wanted to cry. "I will not concede," he said again. "The thought of willingly relinquishing you is anathema to me. I would rather die." And as he spoke the words, Spock ; he knew that was the only solution. knew Since he could not fight for Kirk, he would die - either at the hands of champion or by his own biology. It was a price Spock would gladly Kirk's pay to protect Kirk; to ensure Kirk came out of his alive. Spock Kal-if-fee closed his eyes and accepted his fate. "You must end this now." He lowered his hands to stand defenseless before Kirk. "You must act very quickly, before the Plak Tow sets in. If you do not have your phaser, any of the weapons on my wall will work." "So you - wait, weapons?" "Please make haste, Jim. If I fall into the Plak Tow, I will lose my mind, and there is no telling what I will do to keep you. You must not be around me when I am in the Plak Tow; I could kill you." "But I don't understand - why can't you just concede - " "I will never concede a fight for you. While I live, I will make sure you belong to me. If you wish to be free of the bond, your champion - you - must kill me. But you knew this - you knew this was the meaning of the Kal-if-fee." His words were met by a sharp intake of breath. "Wait, Spock, I - " Kirk voice was choked. Spock opened his eyes to see Kirk had gone very pale. "I don't want to kill you." "As you wish," Spock said quietly. He approached Kirk, who looked like he was frozen where he stood. "Pon Farr will kill me for you, then. I will leave the ship and find my death on Delta Vega." "What?" Kirk's eyes and voice were panicked. "No - wait - I've made a mistake - done something I didn't really understand - Spock - " "It is well, Jim," Spock said, trying to soothe Kirk's distress. "I would prefer death to life without you." "No - Spock, listen - " Spock got close, in Kirk's personal space. "My apologies for what I am about to do," he interrupted. "The Plak Tow is rising. I cannot risk being around you when I succumb to it. You must be protected from me." "But - " Spock leaned in, and pressed his nose to Kirk's soft cheek. "," Las'hark he breathed, so quietly he didn't know if Kirk could hear him. Kirk grabbed him by the upper arms. "Spock - " Moving too fast for Kirk to stop him, Spock broke Kirk's hold and delivered a nerve pinch to Kirk's shoulder. Kirk slumped immediately, unconscious. Spock caught him, and lifted him easily into his arms. He carried Kirk to his bed and gently laid him down. Sparing only enough time to kiss his forehead, Spock slipped from his quarters to the transporter room. He was still First Officer of the Enterprise. He would have no trouble being beamed down to Delta Vega. ***** 8. Frozen The surface of Delta Vega was a frozen wasteland. White snow extended as far the eye could see, and the sky was gray and pale. Snow drifts fell from the sky, landing on Spock's head and shoulders, dampening his hair and skin as it melted almost immediately from his body heat. He stumbled through the powdery snow, so different from the sands he and Kirk had walked through on New Vulcan. He knew he was on his way to frostbite; still dressed in nothing but his Starfleet uniform. In his haste to get off the ship before he became a danger to anyone, he had not taken time to put on a coat or gloves. It hardly mattered; his own biology would kill him soon enough. His fight to keep his mind was a losing battle. He could feel the Plak Tow consuming him; burning him from the inside out. Already his vision was tunneling; black dots sparkling at the edges of his eyes. His hands were numb with cold, but within his core an all consuming fire raged. Soon he would lose all awareness of anything but the burn of the Plak Tow, and when those coals burnt out, he would die. He suddenly tripped over a small rock; one he hadn't seen with his senses functioning at barely a percentage of their normal acuity. He fell face first into the cold snow, which painfully seared the bare skin of his face, so ill-suited for the cold. He tried to get up, and found his arms were trembling too much to find purchase against the deep snow. After a moment, he stopped fighting and simply lay in the snow bank, panting. The snow continued to fall, and he could feel it landing on his neck and head; melting and sending ice-cold water trickling down into his uniform. His eyes stared, unseeing, into the whiteness in front of him, broken only by a dark structure in the distance. It was fitting, he thought, that he would die in this barren coldness with no sun to warm him. He closed his eyes. ***** "Hey Ruark, you see that?" "Is that a body?" Voices. Spock tried to process what he was hearing as greedy hands pawed at him, shoving him over onto his back. He was not completely gone to the Plak Tow, then, if he still could discern what was happening to him. He managed to open his eyes. Squinting against the falling snow assaulting his face, Spock could just make out the dark shapes of two Tiburonians above him. "It's a Vulcan!" The larger of the two said in shock. He was tall and very thickly built. Spock felt calloused fingers tugging on his ear. "Hoff, it's our lucky day!" Hoff, a skinny and weedy looking male, pointed at Spock's tunic. "Look, a Starfleet uniform!" He sounded excited. "There's only one Vulcan in Starfleet - we caught Commander Spock!" "Spock?" The burly one looked nervous. "Maybe this ain't such a good idea, Hoff." Hoff made a scoffing noise. "Don't be stupid, Ruark. Spock here's a hybrid. His genetics are one of a kind. He's worth more than any of the full Vulcans we got back at the base. He'll make us a goddamn fortune." "But I hear he's Captain Kirk's pet," Ruark said worriedly. "And Kirk's real attached to him. Destroyed that whole ship that tried to steal Spock from him, didn't he?" "If he's so special to Kirk, what's he doing wandering on this planet alone and frozen half to death?" Hoff said belligerently. "He looks like shit. I bet he was marooned here." is "Maybe it's a trap," Ruark said dubiously. "Maybe the Enterprise nearby." "Maybe you just don't got the ears for the job," Hoff shot back. "He's obviously been abandoned." Ruark lifted one of Spock's eyelids open further. Spock tried to glare, but it was beyond his power. "I dunno, Hoff. He looks really sick." Hoth rolled his eyes. "I said that, didn't I? And that's the only reason he ain't fighting us. We gotta act now, before he gets better. Give me your rope." Spock was shoved onto his side, his hands pulled behind his back. Something unpleasantly stiff was being wound tightly around his wrists. Distantly, he registered that he would like to wreck vengeance on these two poachers. But he simply did not have the strength - or the will - to resist. Spock was then roughly hauled to his feet. "Come on, Ruark, he ain't gonna hurt us. He can't even walk," Hoff said. "Don't be such a baby." "But - " "Get over here and help, or I ain't sharing the profits with you." With an irritated sigh, Ruark came to Spock's other side and grabbed him by the upper arm. Together, the two poachers half-dragged, half-carried Spock towards the black structure Spock had seen in the distance. ***** "You just wait, Ruark," Hoff was saying eagerly, as they got closer to what looked, to Spock's fuzzy vision, like a large, hastily-built structure. Spock thought he might have seen more bodies moving in the distance, but he wasn't sure. He didn't care. "I know an Empress who collects unique and endangered things, and she's dying for a pet." Spock distantly considered that the poachers were in for a sore disappointment if they thought he'd live long enough for them to sell him. "And if she don't want to pay our price," Hoff continued greedily, "there's a group of scientists who - " shit! There was a deafening snoic blast that reverberated across the snowy world, rattling the ice and shaking the snow drifts. Something enormous suddenly buzzed low over their heads. Ruark and Hoff hit the snow on their stomachs, throwing Spock down hard with them. Then phasers opened full fire; lighting up the gray and white landscape in a blaze of color and sending their piercing sounds echoing across Delta Vega. Ruark let out a very shrill scream for a male his size. "Hoff, Hoff, it's !" He pointed wildly. "I told you we shouldn't take the goddamn Enterprise him!" "Shitshitshit!" Hoff yelled. "She's hitting the base!" Spock tried to focus on the distant structure across the horizon of snow that filled his eyes. He could barely see, but the vibrant color of phaser fire blasting from the silvery shape created a light show that even his eyes could see. Flames roared up from the building ahead as every blast found its mark. Distantly, Spock thought he heard more yells of outrage. Hoff suddenly sprang to his feet. "You just quadrupled in value, Spock," he said, yanking Spock violently up. "Seeing as we're now the only sellers on the market." "Hoff, let him go!" Ruark said, standing too. "I was right; it's a trap! The Enterprise came for him, don't you see?" Hoff was dragging Spock in the opposite direction from the burning wreckage of the building. "All I see is selling this half-breed and retiring on Risa with Orion slavegirls! Now stop crying and help me!" "But we're fucking dead if Kirk finds us!" "So help me so he won't!" With a curse, Ruark grabbed Spock's other arm. Spock barely registered that he was being hurriedly pulled through banks of snow - and then abruptly, his captors stopped short, jarring Spock painfully. Something had just materialized on the snow right in front of them. Then a human voice, cold as the ice, spoke. "Let him go." ! Jim Life suddenly pulsed through Spock. His vision came rushing back, bright and sharp and filled with the beautiful sight of Kirk in front of them, blocking their path with his phaser raised. He lunged forward in Kirk's direction desperately. Hoff and Ruark barely held on to him as he tried to rip from their grasp. Hoff grabbed him by the hair and pulled Spock backwards, right in front of his body as a living shield. "Don't shoot," he said nastily, as he and Ruark held him back. "You'll damage the goods." Spock struggled in their grip. The ropes around his wrists held fast, clearly designed to subdue a Vulcan. Spock strained toward Kirk anyway. He tried to speak. "Jim - " It came out as a harsh, needy whine. Kirk did not lower the phaser. He glared at Hoff. "That's my Vulcan, asshole." "Finders keepers," Hoff said defiantly. "Jim - " Spock yanked and twisted against his captors, but they had his strength and there were two of them. "Jim - " "Let. Him. Go." Kirk's voice was tight with fury. "No way," Hoff spat. "You got any idea what he's worth? He gonna make someone a nice pet. Or science experiment." Kirk's eyes narrowed scarily. "You just signed your death warrant," he said, without inflection, sounding 100% sincere. He turned to point the phaser between Ruark's eyes. The huge Tiburonian gave his high-pitched scream and let go of Spock immediately. That was all Spock needed. With a burst of strength born of the Plak Tow, he yanked free of Hoff's grip. He tried to lunge in Kirk's direction - and, clumsy and stiff, he promptly fell face first into the deep snow. He kicked wildly, arms still tied behind his back, trying to roll over, his world reduced to a single thought - - get to Jim Two precise bursts of phaser fire suddenly sliced through the air above him. Hoff and Ruark both hit the ground with hard , heavily stunned. thunks "You fuckers are getting locked up for ," Kirk muttered angrily. life Spock was blind and deaf to the showdown between Kirk and the poachers. He cared about one thing only. "Jim - " He fought wildly against the ropes that bound him, nearly desperate to get to Kirk. A fresh wave of fever swept through him, igniting him like a firestarter. "Jim - " Kirk was suddenly kneeling at his side. "Are you hurt?" Spock shook his head, still face down in the snow. He didn't know if he was trying to get to Kirk to mate with him - or attack him. "Jim - " "Let me get this rope off - " "NO!" Spock shook his head more violently, even as he strained against the rope. "Do not free me! Plak Tow - champion - might attack - run away, Jim - " Kirk abandoned his wrists. Instead, Spock was quickly but carefully rolled onto his back. He was still struggling against the ropes - but then gloved hands cupped his face. Spock stilled; the gentle touch so unexpected and surprising that it momentarily cooled the flames inside him. He looked up to meet Kirk's eyes in confusion. "Spock, listen to me. I was an idiot." His blue eyes were so bright; brilliant, brilliant blue against the dead white and gray of Delta Vega. "I didn't know - I mistranslated the words, I had no idea the Kal-if-fee was a fight to the death. That you would never concede; that you would die rather than let the bond be broken." Kirk's words were just a jumbled mess to Spock's ears; he couldn't understand what Kirk was saying. He turned his head and pressed his face into Kirk's gloved hands. "My Jim," he said. If he comprehended nothing else, he understood that Kirk was here with him. Kirk was still talking; the words pouring out of him in flustered bursts. "I called you - the other you - as soon as I woke up from the nerve pinch. And he told me what I'd done and - oh Spock, I was so afraid. I just wanted to break the bond - I never wanted you dead. And then I found out you had run away to die - run away to save life - found out I'd as good as killed my you - " He made a choked noise. "My Jim," Spock said again, looking up at Kirk with adoration. "You're gonna be okay," Kirk was saying, almost as if he was trying to convince himself. "I'm going to get you back to the ship; I'll fix this - I'll fix you; you're gonna be fine - " Spock let his words wash over him. He would get to end his life happily, basking in the light of his miniature sun. Sun. Spock suddenly realized there was something important he had to tell Kirk - a confession - something Kirk absolutely had to know before the fever consumed him. Employing all of his mental concentration, he forced himself to pull up from the Plak Tow. It was horribly painful, like a burning brand on every inch of his skin. But he had to speak. "Las'hark." Kirk swallowed thickly. "Spock - " "Las'hark," Spock said again. "I lied to you about the sun, Jim." Kirk made a small, choked noise. "It's okay, Spock, I kn - " "I lied on New Vulcan," Spock interrupted insistently. "On New Vulcan, when you asked if I liked the sun. I lied, Jim. I lied to you." Kirk went very still - except the hands holding Spock's face, which began to tremble slightly. "What are you trying to say?" he asked hoarsely. "I lied when I said I felt nothing for the sun." "But - but why - " Spock struggled against the blood fever; looking deep into Kirk's eyes, wanting Kirk to know what he spoke to be the truth. "I lied because I was ashamed that I loved the sun so much." Utterly spent, he closed his eyes to let the Plak Tow take him back down to its depths. "SPOCK!" There was a sudden movement - a in the world - and then - shift through the fog Spock gasped, eyes flying open as Kirk's emotions burst of his brain like a ray of brilliant sunshine; pouring into him and filling the empty black hole in Spock's head until it overflowed with hope and determination and love and - - the bond was unshielded. And Spock suddenly realized that the world had shifted and moved because he was in Kirk's arms, being carried across the snow. "Jim - " "Yeah that's right," Kirk said grimly, staggering in the deep snow under Spock's weight. "You better say my name, you lying son of a bitch." the bond - what - " "Jim - "Hush. That's enough. Don't try to talk anymore." Kirk was panting with his effort. "Save your strength." "But Jim - " "Shush, Spock!" Spock was suddenly deposited, surprisingly gently, on the ground on his back. He looked up and saw the icey roof of a cave above him - and then gloved hands were cupping his face again, and Kirk's face appeared above him. "Spock, you need to listen to me," he said seriously. "I take it back." Spock blinked at him, not understanding. "Jim?" "Shh, just listen." Kirk leaned down, so that their faces were only inches apart. "I take back the Kal-if-fee." Spock stared at his bondmate. A ray of hope filled him - but no; it could not be true. Spock had not heard right. Spock had to defeat Kirk's champion to keep him. He tried to speak. "The fight - " "Was always against me. Against my fear; my insecurity; my inability to trust. Against my refusal to believe that you could ever really love me." Kirk looked deep into his eyes. "And you won, Spock. I withdraw the challenge. I'm still your bondmate." And then he kissed Spock; the sweetest, most soul-stealing kiss Spock had ever experienced. He grew instantly hard; the battle mindset dissolving on the spot and leaving behind only a frantic, painfully desperate urge to mate. "Jim - " he choked out, aware that if he did not mate in minutes, the Plak Tow would kill him. Kirk somehow must have known, because he broke the kiss, and gloved fingers were suddenly at the fastenings of Spock's trousers, yanking impatiently at the buttons and zipper. Spock yelped as a cool human mouth closed around him. He bucked up, wanting Kirk's mouth so much but it wasn't enough - it wasn't going to be enough - Kirk suddenly shifted, taking his mouth away. Spock nearly cried with the loss. But then a flicker of determination, mixed with a touch of nervousness and apprehension came through the bond, and before Spock's fever-addled brain could figure out what that meant, his cock was enveloped by something perfectly tight - and he was lost. He thrust once, twice, three times - and then came so hard that he jackknifed up off the ground and nearly sent Kirk sprawling off him. Orgasm barreled through his feverish mind like a rush of cool water, clearing his head and restoring his sanity and reason. He panted, still half-sitting up with his arms still tied tightly behind his back, and stared in shock at the human straddling his lap. "Are you going to be okay?" Kirk asked, blinking hard. Spock nodded slowly, never taking his eyes off Kirk's face. "...You saved my life," he finally said. "Good." Kirk made a small sound, and Spock saw that his blue eyes were glossy with unshed tears. "But that will be the one and only time you ever get to spit-fuck me," he said, wiping clumsily at his eyes. Spock could only stare at him helplessly; a little in awe of Kirk and what Kirk had done for him. "I love you," he blurted, as awkwardly as a smitten teenager. Kirk went faintly pink, as he always did whenever Spock expressed the depth of his affection. He ducked his head. "Come on, let's get you back to the ship," he mumbled, fumbling for his communicator. "Your ears are gonna get frostbite." ***** 9. Sun-worship Spock lay in his bed, all of his body, including his head, buried beneath several layers of blankets. McCoy had grudgingly released him from sickbay under the caveat that Spock, quote, keep his desert-bred behind warm in for at least twenty-four hours. Spock was, for once, most willing to bed follow his doctor's orders. As he lay in his warm cocoon, the bond nearly glowed with Kirk's presence; the piece of him that had been missing for days. His mind rejoiced to have its human back; as if he'd stepped out from a cave into the sunlight. He knew that through their link, Kirk would feel Spock's mental celebrations at Kirk's return, and wondered what he thought of it. Wanting to keep the bond safe, he mentally curled around their link; transmitting his feelings of protectiveness towards their bond and the precious human it connected him to. The Plak Tow had passed; defeated by Kirk's actions in the cave. He burned no longer. He had his life, and his sanity, and his bond back - all thanks to Kirk. He hadn't seen Kirk since they beamed back from Delta Vega. McCoy had said something about Kirk being busy; something along the lines of Starfleet being pissed that Kirk had taken out the poaching base without clearing it with them first, and Kirk telling them to get fucked. Spock was certain Starfleet wouldn't press the issue; the Enterprise had scanned the building and beamed up all the kidnapped Vulcans, five in total, before destroying the poaching base. Vulcan would probably give Kirk, their constant vanguard, a commendation. There was a sudden buzz at the door. No doubt it was Dr. McCoy, come to check on him. "Enter," Spock called, not leaving his nest of blankets. The door swished open. A moment passed. Then Spock heard a hesitant voice. "Hey." Jim. Spock immediately pulled the blankets off his head. "Captain," he said, striving for a professional tone despite being in a sleep robe with no doubt messy hair. He started to get out of bed. Kirk waved at him. "You're supposed to be in bed. Don't get up." Spock cautiously lay back down, against the pillows. "I apologize for my state," he said, trying to pull his robe closed. "I would have dressed had I known you were coming, but I was expecting Dr. McCoy." Kirk raised his eyebrows. "That's not funny," he said lightly. "You know I'm the jealous type." Spock blinked in surprise. As he tried not to get his hopes up too high, Kirk took a seat on the edge of his bed. "We should talk," he said. "Or, well, I should talk. And - maybe you can listen?" Spock nodded. He watched Kirk with wide eyes, waiting. The bond in his head was vibrating with such a complicated plethora of feelings that he couldn't get a handle on Kirk's emotional state, no matter how hard he tried. Kirk cleared his throat. "You - uh - " He faltered, obviously having trouble putting his feelings into words. "You - it was tough," he finally said. "When you had amnesia." Spock wilted. He knew what it cost Kirk to admit even that much. He slunk down against the pillows, wanting to crawl up in a little ball of shame under the covers. "Hey, stop that," Kirk tapped himself on the forehead. "I can feel all your self-loathing, you know." "I will never cease regretting that I hurt you," Spock said quietly. "No, I guess you won't." Kirk chewed on his lip for a moment. "But what I wanted to tell you was - I fucked up too." "You?" Spock was taken aback. "Jim, you did nothing - " "No, I did. I never really let myself believe in you, you know?" He took what seemed like a fortifying breath. "I just - I never had anyone before you. And on some level, I believe I had you. I believed what we didn't had was too good to be real." Kirk looked so young and vulnerable as he struggled to explain. Spock's arms ached to hold him, but he wasn't sure if his touch would be welcome. "It is very real," he offered. "I belong to you." Kirk blushed and looked down. He fiddled with Spock's comforter for a moment. "What I'm trying to say is that, somewhere deep inside me, I always expected you to eventually leave me. So when you got amnesia, it was almost as if I'd been waiting for something like that to happen. And I let my faith in you, and in our bond, be taken from me." Spock shook his head. "Do not blame yourself. I treated you with such callousness that your loss of faith was inevitable," he said. "I had no regard for your feelings; placed no value on your emotions." "But when we first met, you were like that with everyone. You had let all those bullies in your childhood convince you emotion deserved your scorn," Kirk said, his speech stilted and hesitant but earnest. "And when we first met, I had let my life turn me into a criminal who would manipulate and cheat to get my way. But I forgot that we both had changed. I let that pointy-eared bastard you used to be convince me not to trust the pointy-eared sweetheart you'd become." Spock furrowed his brow. "Sweetheart?" he repeated dubiously. Kirk's expression softened. "You're all curled up in bed; big brown eyes and blankets up to your pointy ears. Trust me; it fits." Spock still found it an unlikely endearment, but he let it slide; Kirk could call him anything he wished. "You should not forgive me," he said honestly. "I lead you astray and betrayed your trust. I let you believe our bond was unbreakable out of a selfish wish that you would not ever desire to break it." "Yeah, you did." Kirk looked pensive. "But see, I was thinking about that. And really, it might as well be unbreakable." Spock raised a brow. "Clearly, the events of the last few days prove that - " "Prove that the bond pretty much refuses to let us break it." Spock's brain did a small paradigm shift, and his heart gave a leap. "I had not thought to consider it in that manner." A tiny smile crossed Kirk's face. "Yeah. The older you - he told me how scared you were in the healing temple. That you begged to keep our bond long before your memories came back." "That is true." "And I couldn't go through with the Kal-if-fee once I knew what it really was." "Also true." Kirk gave a little shrug. "So I'm thinking the chances that either of us could actually break the bond are pretty close to zero." A small, besotted smile lifted the corners of Spock's mouth. "I believe you are correct." There was a moment of comfortable, promising silence. The bond shone bright in Spock's head. "How are you doing?" Kirk suddenly asked. "You were out in the snow a long time." Spock touched one ear tip. It was still sore. "Dr. McCoy says I might avoid any permanent damage if I keep warm." Kirk cocked his head. "Did he have any suggestions for how to do that?" "Blankets. Or - body heat," Spock said, a little hopefully. He tried as best as he could to look cuddly - not an easy feat for a skinny Vulcan, all bones and unyielding muscle. And based on the amusement that came through the bond from Kirk, he failed as spectacularly as he'd expected he would. But then Kirk smiled at him. "Come on then. Scoot over." And to Spock's delight, he kicked off his boots and stripped off his uniform tunic. Spock quickly made room in the bed as Kirk crawled up next to him. Kirk stayed on the outside of the blankets - understandable, since the room was already quite warm by human standards. "Come here," he said, holding out an arm. He did a much better job of looking cuddly than Spock could ever hope to manage. Spock went to him willingly, intending to curl up against his chest. But the instant Spock's hand touched the bare skin of Kirk's stomach, where Kirk's undershirt had ridden up, a scorching fire roared up within him again, clouding his mind and sending hot arousal shooting through him. He grabbed Kirk by his upper arms and flipped him over, rolling them until he was on top; pressing Kirk down into the mattress on his back and pining him tightly in a hold he would never have be able to break. "Whoa." Kirk stared up at him in shock, looking like his breath had been stolen away. "Are you still in Pon Farr?" Apparently he was. His voice failing him, Spock found he could only nod. His heart was pounding in his side. He been taken as much by surprise by his own actions as Kirk had been. He held Kirk immobile under him; not knowing if he would be allowed to take his bondmate, but unwilling to let him go regardless. He was already completely hard; his erection pressed tightly to Kirk's hip. He wanted to thrust against Kirk but somehow, he was able to hold himself back. He would only take what Kirk was ready and willing to give. After a moment Kirk, flushed and pink-cheeked beneath him, tried to lift his hand. Spock reluctantly allowed the movement, keeping his hands on Kirk's shoulders to be certain that Kirk could not leave the bed. And then Kirk slid his hand behind Spock's head, buried his fingers in Spock's hair, and tugged him down into a kiss. Spock made a guttural noise against Kirk's lips as heat instantly flooded him. He kissed Kirk forcefully, his lips laying claim to the chapped human ones below, and his tongue seeking out every inch of Kirk's mouth for his own. Kirk made a needy sound beneath him, his fingers tightening their grip in Spock's hair. Mine, Spock thought, knowing his feelings of possessiveness would flow through the bond into Kirk. He insinuated himself between Kirk's legs, the blankets hopelessly twisted around his own. His hard cock came in contact with a matching hardness beneath him, and he was powerless to keep from thrusting against it. , he thought again. He turned his head and bit greedily at Kirk's neck Mine as he continued frotting against him, the taste of Kirk's skin so heady that it sent him even further out of control. He kissed Kirk's collarbone and then tried to go lower, furious when he found the cloth of Kirk's shirt impeding him. He ripped at the fabric, which shredded easily beneath his hands. Kirk's eyes widened. "Did you just rip my shirt?" he asked, trying to sit partway up. Spock jammed his hand between their bodies and squeezed Kirk's cock in his palm. Kirk's eyes rolled back, and he collapsed back on the pillow. "I guess I can get a new shirt," he said weakly. "But Spock, let me get off my pants." Spock shook his head, moving back enough to cover the newly revealed stomach with kisses. "Spock, just let me - did you just growl at me?" Spock ignored the accusation and pressed his face to Kirk's hard cock, which was straining against the soft fabric of his pants. "You're not ripping my pants off," Kirk ordered, but his conviction was wavering. Spock pawed at the fastenings of the pants, popping off the button and probably ripping the zipper as he yanked them open to reveal the tight boxer briefs beneath. Kirk took a sharp breath. "Spock," he said warningly. In answer, Spock mouthed his dick through his briefs, fully communicating his intentions. Kirk made a strangled sound. "Fuck it," he said, with feeling. "I can get new pants too." Spock eagerly ripped his pants the rest of the way, leaving Kirk in nothing but his black boxer briefs. Those too he tore apart, and then pulled off his own sleep robe and tossed it unconcernedly to the floor. With Spock momentarily distracted by his own clothes, Kirk started to sit up. Spock narrowed his eyes, and instantly sprawled back on top of him, stretching out so that their naked bodies were flush together. He grabbed Kirk's wrists and pinned them to the pillow next to his head. Kirk made a soft groan of pleasure as their naked bodies brushed. "I was just getting comfortable," he said, his fingers petting against Spock's reassuringly. "I wasn't going anywhere." Spock looked at him suspiciously. Kirk seemed to get it. His eyes softened. "I'm not going to leave you, or challenge your claim on me, or anything," he said gently. "I promise." Worries assuaged, Spock let go of his wrists. Kirk brought his arms up around Spock. "See?" he said reassuringly, as his fingers traced soothing patterns on Spock's back. "I'm yours." Mine. Spock was going to claim him so that Kirk would never have cause to doubt it again. But then he suddenly thought ahead, to the consequences of the path they were on. Fear gripped him as the rational part of his mind, the small part still in control, realized that he might inadvertently cause injury to Kirk's body, considering their earlier rough coupling in the ice cave. He started to move to the side, thinking to pull Kirk over on him and let Kirk take the top role. Kirk suddenly gripped him tightly. He wasn't strong enough to stop Spock if Spock wanted to move them, but Spock was accustomed to accommodating a human bondmate with only human strength. He let Kirk hold him in place. Kirk didn't quite meet his eyes. "Stay like this?" he said, a little awkwardly. There was a touch of uncertainty in the hands on Spock's back, like part of Kirk still expected his wishes to be rejected. It had always been a struggle for Kirk to ask for what he wanted, and Spock knew how hard that simple statement was for Kirk. He would not make Kirk find more words; he would give Kirk what he needed. He kissed Kirk forcefully again, and sent his unchained emotions down their bond, sharing their staccato of possessiveness, of mine mine mine. Kirk shuddered beneath him, and the bond vibrated with his pleasure at being so wanted. And when Kirk ended the kiss with his need to breathe, Spock began to pepper Kirk's face with territorial kisses - his forehead, his meld points, his cheeks - and then down to his throat. His blood burned to mate, yes, but Spock would be patient. He would wait to join them until Kirk burned as he did. Trailing his kisses down Kirk's body, he reached his straining erection. And without hesitating, he took it all the way into his mouth; employing his control over his body to deep throat Kirk's cock. Kirk made an incredible noise that was music to Spock's ears. Spock pulled off just long enough to grab the lubricant he kept in his bedside drawer before sucking Kirk's hard length back down. As he worked Kirk's cock with his tongue and throat, he slowly, with great care and lots of lubricant, pressed his finger inside Kirk. Kirk accepted it easily; apparently healed from the cave and eager to be taken like this. Ignoring how his own body nearly branded him with its need, Spock concentrated on Kirk's pleasure, adding a second finger and stretching him carefully. He made sure to brush Kirk's prostate often, relaxing and pleasuring him simultaneously. Under the gentle assault of his mouth and fingers, he repeatedly brought Kirk right to the edge but did not let him fall. After the third time of almost reaching orgasm and being denied, Kirk let out a cry of frustration. "Are you trying to drive me insane?" he demanded, his voice strained. Spock pulled off his cock but kept three fingers inside that tight heat, rotating them carefully. He made himself speak. "No," he managed to say, his voice rough and unfamiliar. "I am engaging in the primitive ritual of sun-worship." Kirk groaned at Spock's words, in a heated mix of lust and yearning. "I think you've infected me with your Pon Farr," he whispered, his eyes dark blue and his pupils blown wide. "Through the bond. My body is burning for you." Hearing such words from his mate, Spock could wait no longer. He removed his fingers and fell flush on top of Kirk. He grabbed one of Kirk's legs behind the knee and pulled it up, while Kirk wrapped his other leg around Spock's thighs. With infinite care, Spock pushed inside. His body shuddered as his cock was tightly gripped by Kirk's body. It was exquisite; the pleasure of his body exceeded only by the amazing feeling of their bond pulsing with Kirk's warm emotions. As Spock pressed all the way inside, Kirk arched up into him, head falling back on the pillows. His eyes fluttered closed, and he pulled Spock closer with hands tight at his shoulders. His body tensed tantalizingly around Spock; his beautiful muscles flexing with his straining need to come. Spock desperately wanted to thrust, knowing that both of their arousals had been stoked almost dangerously high. But he held back, wanting one more thing first. "Jim," he whispered hoarsely. Kirk's eyes opened just a crack, enough that Spock could see pools of blue behind his dark lashes. Spock pulled almost out, and then thrust in once. Only once; and then he stilled again, Kirk tight and open around his cock, the tip of his cock briefly nudging against Kirk's prostate. Kirk keened beneath him. He thrashed and bucked beneath Spock, but Spock grit his teeth and would not let him come; held them both at the edge of orgasm. "Spock," he said, begging. "Please." Spock shoved a hand between them and wrapped it around Kirk's cock. Kirk made a high-pitched keening sound again, but Spock refused to move his hand. He simply held Kirk's cock tightly in his fist. "Spock - " he said again, desperately. "Jim, you must listen." Spock pulled out one inch, and then drove in as deep as he could, knowing the tip of his cock would press against Kirk's prostate again. Kirk let out the neediest whimper. His nails dug into Spock's shoulders. Spock knew he was teetering right on the knife's edge of orgasm. He was staring up at Spock with glazed blue eyes, fuzzy with arousal and need. But he was listening. "Las'hark," Spock said; promised really. "Without you, there is no light in my world, Jim. I was cold and bereft without you. I cannot live without my sun." Kirk blinked at him, blue eyes preternaturally bright. Spock held his gaze firmly. It was absolute torture to still their bodies' need, but Spock was determined to see some kind of acknowledgement that Kirk understood his words - understood his importance to Spock - before he'd let them fall. Finally, Kirk gave the tiniest nod. Spock's heart leapt, and he could hold back no longer. With an animal-like snarl he began to rut into Kirk, jerking Kirk's cock with his fist as he thrust into him. Kirk let out a cry that sounded ripped from body, and Spock felt his orgasm slam into him through their bond. His mate's pleasure set off an echoing reaction in Spock, and orgasm ricocheted through him too, driving all conscious thought from his mind as it enveloped both of them in its brilliant, white light. ***** It took several minutes for Spock to be able to speak - or really, even move. Finally, he shifted to the side, enough that he could curl up with his head on Kirk's chest, tucked beneath Kirk's chin. Kirk flung an arm out and fumbled for the covers. Finding them, he pulled them up around Spock's shoulders, leaving himself uncovered. Then he wrapped his arm on top of the covers around Spock. Contentment buzzed down the bond from Kirk, and Spock reveled in it. Kirk's hand came to rest on Spock's head, and he began gently petting the tip of Spock's ear, warming away the last of the cold with his touch. Spock pressed his face as close as he could to Kirk's chest. He felt so in love he feared he might burst. "So - is Pon Farr over for real this time?" "I find I wish to tell you no, so that I may copulate with you repeatedly." Kirk laughed; a beautiful, clear sound. "Sneaky," he said, and Spock basked in affection that came through their bond. Suddenly, Kirk's hand stilled. "You're happy," he said, as if in realization. Spock nodded. "Very," he confessed. "I mean, you're definitely happy; I can feel it through our bond." Kirk seemed puzzled by this. "But when you had amnesia, you told me Vulcans couldn't feel happiness. Was amnesiac you just a big fat lying liar?" "Yes," Spock said honestly, making Kirk chuckle. "But in the situation you speak of, he told you what he thought was the truth. I used to believe Vulcans could not feel happiness, because I had not ever experienced it myself." "What changed?" Kirk asked curiously. Spock rolled enough on his back to look up at Kirk. "I became acquainted with you." Kirk went pink. "Oh," he said, a little dumbly. He swallowed. "Well - good." Spock made a contented hum, and rolled back on his side, tucking his head back into its spot beneath Kirk's chin. After a moment, Kirk's arms, both of them, came around him tightly. "You're mine. You know that." "Affirmative," Spock said agreeably. "And I'm crazy about you." "A fact for which I am exceedingly grateful." "But if I have to land on the surface of that godforsaken ice cube ever Delta Vega again because of something you did, you lying little liar, you're gonna be in big trouble." Spock smiled to himself; warm and content in Kirk's arms. The cold of Delta Vega had stood no chance against the power of his miniature sun. He looked up at Kirk again, knowing his eyes were expressing very un-Vulcan-like levels of adoration. "Las'hark," he said meaningfully, giving Kirk a pointed look. "Yeah, yeah," Kirk said, a little gruffly. But his eyes were bright as the stars that shine their light on all the galaxy's planets. "I'm your sun." ***** ~ Finis ~