老友记第一季第三集剧本

103 The OneWith the Thumb [Scene:[Scene:[Scene:[Scene: CentralCentralCentralCentral Perk,Perk,Perk,Perk, everyoneeveryoneeveryoneeveryone butbutbutbut PhoebePhoebePhoebePhoebe isisisis there.]there.]there.]there.] Phoebe: (entering) Hi guys! All: Hey, Pheebs! Hi! Ross:Hey. Oh, oh, how did it go? Phoebe: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said 'Weshould do this again!' All: Ohh. Ouch. Rachel: What? He said 'weshould do it again', that's good, right? Monica: Uh, no. Loosely translated 'Weshould do this again' means 'You will never see me naked'. Rachel: Since when? Joey: Since always. It's like dating language. You know, like 'It's not you' means 'It is you'. Chandler: Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you'. Phoebe: Or, or, you know, um, 'I think weshould see other people' means 'Ha, ha, I already am'. Rachel: And everybody knows this? Joey: Yeah. Cushions the blow. Chandler: Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm. Ross: That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm. Monica: Uh, Ross. Ross: What? Wh- hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was- it w- .....Oh my God, Chi-Chi! OpeningOpeningOpeningOpening CreditsCreditsCreditsCredits [Scene:[Scene:[Scene:[Scene: ChandlerChandlerChandlerChandler andandandand Joey's,Joey's,Joey's,Joey's,ChandlerChandlerChandlerChandler isisisis helpinghelpinghelpinghelping JoeyJoeyJoeyJoey rehearserehearserehearserehearse forforforfor aaaa part.]part.]part.]part.] Chandler: "So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?" Joey: "Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die." Chandler: Hey, that was really good! Joey: Thanks! Let's keep going. Chandler: Okay. "So. What do you want from me, Damone, huh?" Joey: "I just wanna go back to my cell. 'Cause in my cell, I can smoke." Chandler: "Smoke away." (Joey takes out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He fumbles and drops the lighter. Then he lights a cigarette, takes a drag, and coughs.) Chandler: I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone. Joey: What? Chandler: Relax your hand! (Joey lets his wrist go limp.) Chandler: Not so much! Joey: Whoah! Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hey! Chandler:Alright, now try taking a puff. (Joey tries and visibly winces.) Chandler:Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me. Joey: No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette. Chandler: It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here. (Joey reluctantly gives him the cigarette.) Chandler: Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand.When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete. Joey: You miss it? Chandler: Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. (Takes a puff.) Oh.. my.. God. (He continues to smoke.) Joey: Chandler, give me that. (trys to stop he.) Chandler: No. You've got options. You can smoke like this. (continues to smoke andwants go out.) Joey: Chandler.(continues to stop he.) Chandler: Or hold it in your mouth. Smoke like this. Joey: Give me the cigarette. Give me, give me. Chandler:Alright, you try. Joey: Thank you. (hold cigarette.) Okay, how's this. (Takes a puff.) Chandler: Okay, that's not bad. All right, when you're finished, it's cool if you flick it. (Joey flick the cigarette.) It's good. All right, you keep practicing and I'll go put out the sofa. [Scene,[Scene,[Scene,[Scene,CentralCentralCentralCentral Perk,Perk,Perk,Perk, everyoneeveryoneeveryoneeveryone exceptexceptexceptexcept PhoebePhoebePhoebePhoebe andandandand RachelRachelRachelRachel isisisis there.]there.]there.]there.] Monica: No, no, no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger. (The guys stretch out their fingers.) Joey: That's ridiculous! Ross:Can I use.. either thumb? Rachel: (carrying a tray of drinks) Alright, don't tell me, don't tell me! (Starts handing them out.) Decaf cappucino for Joey.. Coffee black.. Late.. And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at this! All: Yeah. Yeah, excellent. Rachel: (leaving to serveothers) Good forme! (The gang swaps all the drinks for what they ordered as Phoebe enters. She sits down without saying hi.) Joey: You okay, Phoebe? Phoebe: Yeah- no- I'm just- it's, I haven't worked- It's my bank. Monica: What did they do to you? Phoebe: It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT- Ross: Easy. Phoebe: - and there's five hundred extra dollars in my account. Chandler: Oh, Satan's minions at work again... Phoebe: Yes, now I have to go down there, and deal with them. Joey: What are you talking about? Keep it! Phoebe: It's not mine, I didn't earn it, if I kept it, it would be like stealing. Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping! Phoebe: Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear, with every step I took? 'Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.' And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping- 'Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine'... Monica: We're with you. We got it. (Chandler leans over the back of the couch out of sight.) Phoebe: Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt. Rachel: Chandler, what are you doing? Monica: (puling him up) Hey. What are you doing? (Chandler tries to shrug nonchalantly but eventually he has to exhale a mouthful of smoke.) All: Oh! Oh, God! Ross:What is this?! Chandler: I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking. Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you!You've been so good, for three years! Chandler:And this- is my reward! Ross: Hold on a second, alr ight? Think about what you went through the last time you quit. No. Forget about you, Just think about what you went through the last time you quit. Chandler: Okay, so this time I won't quit! All: Ohhh! Put it out! Chandler:All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out. (He drops it in Phoebe's coffee.) Phoebe: Oh, no! I- I can't drink this now! Monica: Alright. I'm gonna go change, I've got a date. Rachel: This Alan again? How's it goin'? Monica: It's going pretty good, you know? It's nice, and, we're having fun. Joey: So whendo we get to meet the guy? Monica: Let's see, today'sMonday... Never. All: Oh, come on! Come on! Monica: No. Not after what happened with Steve. Chandler: What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry. Monica: Look, I don't even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out. Rachel: Well, then can we meet him? Monica: Nope. Sorry. (Joey stretch out his fingers.) Ross: Joey, Let it go. [Scene:[Scene:[Scene:[Scene: Iridium,Iridium,Iridium,Iridium,MonicaMonicaMonicaMonica andandandand PaulaPaulaPaulaPaula areareareare atatatat work.]work.]work.]work.] Monica: I mean, why should I let them meet him? I mean, I bring a guy home, and within five minutes they're all over him. I mean, they're like- coyotes, picking off the weak members of the herd. Paula: Listen. As someone who's seen more than her fair share of bad beef, I'll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing. I mean, they'reyour friends, they're just looking out after you. Monica: I know. I just wish that once, I'd bring a guy home that they actually liked. Paula: Well, you do realise the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy.. [Scene:[Scene:[Scene:[Scene: MonicaMonicaMonicaMonica andandandand Rachel's,Rachel's,Rachel's,Rachel's, ChandlerChandlerChandlerChandler isisisis smokingsmokingsmokingsmoking outoutoutout onononon thethethethe balcony,balcony,balcony,balcony, PhoebePhoebePhoebePhoebe isisisis absent.]absent.]absent.]absent.] Joey: Let it go, Ross. Ross:Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi-Chi. Monica: Do you all promise? All: Yeah! We promise! We'll be good! Monica: (shouts to Chandler) Chandler? Do you promise to be good? (Chandler makes a 'Cross my heart' sign. It starts to rain and he taps on the window.) Joey: You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside! (Chandler sulkilty picks up a garbage can lid and uses it as an umbrella.) (Phoebe enters, walks to the couch, sits down, and begins to read a letter without saying hi.) Ross:Hey, Pheebs. Phoebe: 'Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this- (Searches in her purse) -football phone as our free gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousanddollars, and a football phone! Rachel: What bank is this? (The intercom buzzes.) Monica: Hey. It's him. (On the intercom) Who is it? Alan: (on the intercom) It's Alan. Joey: (shouting to Chandler) Chandler! He's here! (Chandler comes in, dripping wet.) Monica: (to all) Okay, please be good, please. Just remember how much you all like me. (She opens the door and Alan enters.) Monica: Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan. Alan: Hi. All: Hi, Alan. Alan: I've heard schho much about all you guyschh! (Everyone laughs.) [Time[Time[Time[Time lapse,lapse,lapse,lapse,AlanAlanAlanAlan isisisis leaving.]leaving.]leaving.]leaving.] Monica: (to Alan) Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow. (Alan exits, to all) Okay. Okay, let's let the Alan- bashing begin. Who's gonna take the first shot, hmm? (Silence.) Monica: C'mon! Ross: ...I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at- no, I'm sorry, I can't do this, can't do this. We loved him. All: Loved him! Yeah! He's great! Monica: Wait a minute! We're talking about someone that I'm going out with? All: Yeah! Rachel: And did you notice...? (She spreads her thumb and index finger.) The Guys: (reluctantly) Yeah. Joey: Know what was great? The wayhis smile was kinda crooked. Phoebe: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe! Ross: ...What shoe? Phoebe: From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...' (Dubious pause.) Ross: ...So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured. Rachel: What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this could be, you know, it. Monica: Really! Chandler: Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone. You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right? (Does the impression) Ross:You know what I like most about him, though? All: What? Ross: The wayhe makes me feel about myself. All: Yeah... Commercial Break [Scene:[Scene:[Scene:[Scene: CentralCentralCentralCentral Perk,Perk,Perk,Perk,MonicaMonicaMonicaMonica isisisis alonealonealonealone asasasas Ross,Ross,Ross,Ross, Rachel,Rachel,Rachel,Rachel,Chandler,Chandler,Chandler,Chandler, andandandand JoeyJoeyJoeyJoey enterenterenterenter dejectedlydejectedlydejectedlydejectedly inininin softballsoftballsoftballsoftball gear.]gear.]gear.]gear.] Monica: Hi.. how was the game? Ross:Well.. All: WEWON!! Thank you! Yes! Monica: Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible? Joey: Alan. Ross: He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-... Rachel: I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team. Chandler: Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thing or two about softball.. Monica: Can I ask you guys a question? Do you ever think thatAlan is maybe.. sometimes.. Ross:What? Monica: ..I dunno, a little tooAlan? Rachel: Well, no. That's impossible. You can never be too Alan. Ross:Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore. Chandler: I personally could have a gallon of Alan. [Scene:[Scene:[Scene:[Scene:AAAA street,street,street,street, PhoebePhoebePhoebePhoebewalkswalkswalkswalks upupupup totototo aaaa homelesshomelesshomelesshomeless personpersonpersonperson (Lizzie)(Lizzie)(Lizzie)(Lizzie) sheshesheshe knows.]knows.]knows.]knows.] Phoebe: Hey, Lizzie. Lizzie: Hey, Weird Girl. Phoebe: I brought you alphabet soup. Lizzie: Did you pick out the vowels? Phoebe: Yes. But I left in the Ys. 'Cause, you know, "sometimes y". Uh, I also have something else for you. (She searches in her purse.) Lizzie: Saltines? Phoebe: No, but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone? Lizzie: What? (She opens the envelope Phoebe has given her.) Oh my God, there's really money in here. Phoebe: I know. Lizzie: Weird Girl, what are you doing? Phoebe: No, I want you to have it. I don'twant it. Lizzie: No, no, I ha-I have to give you something. Phoebe: Oh, that's fine, no. Lizzie: Would you like my tin-foil hat? Phoebe: No. 'Cause you need that. No, it's okay, thanks. Lizzie: Please, let me do something. Phoebe: Okay, alr ight, you buy me a soda, and then we're even. Okay? Lizzie: Okay. Phoebe: Okay. [Scene:[Scene:[Scene:[Scene: Chandler'sChandler'sChandler'sChandler's office,office,office,office, ChandlerChandlerChandlerChandler lookslookslookslooks around,around,around,around, opensopensopensopens hishishishis deskdeskdeskdesk drawer,drawer,drawer,drawer, takestakestakestakes aaaa puffpuffpuffpuff ofofofof aaaa cigarette,cigarette,cigarette,cigarette, sprayssprayssprayssprays aroundaroundaroundaround somesomesomesome airairairair freshener,freshener,freshener,freshener, andandandand takestakestakestakes somesomesomesome breathbreathbreathbreath spray.spray.spray.spray. HeHeHeHe typestypestypestypes forforforfor aaaa littlelittlelittlelittle while,while,while,while, opensopensopensopens thethethethe drawerdrawerdrawerdrawer again,again,again,again, andandandand takestakestakestakes anotheranotheranotheranother dragdragdragdrag ofofofof thethethethe cigarecigarecigarecigarette.tte.tte.tte. WhileWhileWhileWhile notnotnotnot payingpayingpayingpaying attention,attention,attention,attention, hehehehe sprayssprayssprayssprays thethethethe breathbreathbreathbreath sprayspraysprayspray aroundaroundaroundaround thethethethe room,room,room,room, takestakestakestakes aaaa squirtsquirtsquirtsquirt ofofofof airairairair freshenerfreshenerfreshenerfreshener andandandand gags.]gags.]gags.]gags.] [Scene:[Scene:[Scene:[Scene:AAAA Street,Street,Street,Street, PhoebePhoebePhoebePhoebe andandandand LizzieLizzieLizzieLizzie areareareare atatatat aaaa hothothothot dogdogdogdog vendor.]vendor.]vendor.]vendor.] Lizzie: Keep the change. (To Phoebe) Sure you don't wanna pretze l? Phoebe: No, I'm fine. Lizzie: (leaves) See you. (Phoebe opens the can and reacts.) Phoebe: Huh! [Scene:[Scene:[Scene:[Scene: CentralCentralCentralCentral Perk,Perk,Perk,Perk, PhoebePhoebePhoebePhoebe isisisis tellingtellingtellingtellingeveryoneeveryoneeveryoneeveryone aboutaboutaboutabout herherherher discovery.]discovery.]discovery.]discovery.] Ross:A thumb?! (Phoebe nods.) All: Eww! Phoebe: I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker! Chandler: Well, maybe it's a contest, you know? Like, collect all five? Phoebe: Does, um, anyone wanna see? All: Nooo! (Chandler lights a cigarette.) All: Oh, hey, don't do that! Cut it out! Rachel: It's worse than the thumb! Chandler: Hey, this is so unfair! Monica: Oh, why is it unfair? Chandler: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this? (An awkward silence ensues.) Joey: ...Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody? Rachel: Well, I-I could live with out it. Joey: Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair? (Phoebe spits out her hair.) Ross:Oh, now, don't listen to him, Pheebs, I think it's endearing. Joey: Oh, (Imitating Ross) "you do, do you"? (Monica laughs and snorts.) Ross:You know, there's nothing wrongwith speaking correctly. Rachel: "Indeed there isn't"... I should really get back to work. Phoebe: Yeah, 'cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered. Rachel: Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on. (They degenerate into bickering and Chandler happily starts to smoke, undisturbed.) [Scene:[Scene:[Scene:[Scene: Iridium,Iridium,Iridium,Iridium,MonicaMonicaMonicaMonica andandandand PaulaPaulaPaulaPaula areareareareworking.]working.]working.]working.] Monica: Did you ever go out with a guy your friends all really like? Paula: No. Monica: Okay..Well, I'm going out with a guy my friends all really like. Paula: Wait wait.. we talking about the coyotes here? All right, a cow got through! Monica: Can you believe it? ...You know what? I just don't feel the thing. I mean, they feel the thing, I don't feel the thing. Paula: Honey.. you should always feel the thing. Listen, if that's how you feel about the guy, Monica, dump him! Monica: I know.. it's gonna be really hard. Paula: Well, he's a big boy, he'll get over it. Monica: No, he'll be fine. It's the other five I'm worried about. [Scene:[Scene:[Scene:[Scene: CentalCentalCentalCental Perk,Perk,Perk,Perk, JoeyJoeyJoeyJoey andandandand RossRossRossRoss areareareare persecutingpersecutingpersecutingpersecutingChandlerChandlerChandlerChandler aboutaboutaboutabout hishishishis smoking.]smoking.]smoking.]smoking.] Joey: Do you have any respect for your body? Ross:Don't you realise what you're-you're doing to yourself? Chandler: Hey, you know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it. Rachel: (holding the phone out to Chandler) Chandler? It's Alan, he wants to speak to you. Chandler: Really? He does? (taking the phone) Hey, buddy, what's up! Oh, she told you about that, huh.Well, yeah, I have one now and then.Well, yeah, now.Well, it's not that big- ..well, that's true,.. Gee, you know, no-one- no-one's ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks! (He hands the phone back and stubs out his cigarette.) Rachel: (to Ross, who has wanderedup)God, he's good. Ross: If only he were a woman. Rachel: Yeah. (They give each other a dubious look.) [Scene:[Scene:[Scene:[Scene: MonicaMonicaMonicaMonica andandandand Rachel's,Rachel's,Rachel's,Rachel's, everyondeveryondeveryondeveryondexceptexceptexceptexcept MonicaMonicaMonicaMonica andandandand JoeyJoeyJoeyJoey isisisis watchingwatchingwatchingwatching Lambchop.]Lambchop.]Lambchop.]Lambchop.] Chandler: Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too. Ross:Okay. I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch. (Does so.) Monica: (entering) Hey.Where's Joey? Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong? Rachel: I think he's across the hall. Monica: Thanks. (Goes to fetch him.) Ross: (finishing changing Chandler's nicotine patch) There y'go. Chandler: (deadpan) Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now. Ross:Hey Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Pheebs? Phoebe: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart? Ross:Hey, I might! Phoebe: Sorry. ..You know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousanddollars for the thumb. All: You're kidding. Oh my God. Phoebe:And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. ...What is up with the universe?! Joey: (dragged in by Monica, he has just gotten out of t